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Mary Worth, 12/12/22

Good morning and happy Monday, everybody! Definitely what we all wanted after putting a relaxing weekend behind us to log in and see this:

Look, there’s been a lot of buzz about AI programs that can generate art from prompts lately, but I’m pretty sure none of them could take “show the weird fake-happy-but-actually-enraged face your old-enough-to-be-your-mother babysitter would make at you to mock you for the infantile games you played at dinner with your former babysitter, who looks just like her” and come up with … this:

That’s the human touch, baby! That’s the level of passive aggression only Mary Worth and its carbon-based creative team can deliver, which why I’m proud to keep you up to date on it. Ha ha, look at how chill Zak is in panel two! This is all just a normal part of the world, to him!

Funky Winkerbean, 12/12/22

I’m sorry, did you find the big “actually, everything weird that’s happened in this strip for the past ten years is due to time travel” reveal to be disappointing? Well, you’ll be happy to hear we’re shifting to an “it was all a dream” ending, something that has never disappointed anyone ever.

Gasoline Alley, 12/12/22

I love that Walt’s big garbage truck ride was part of his “bucket list” — that is, the things he wanted to do before he died — but he assures Mayor Melba that he’ll treasure the memory “forever.” Because that’s how long he’ll be alive! He’ll keep aging and aging but never know the sweet release of death! Sorry, Mayor Melba, you’re just a walk-on player in somebody else’s hell.

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 12/11/22

There’s a lot going on in this panel — Max trying and failing to pump iron; how peevish the alligator gym attendent is about this crime; “Biceppe’s”; the fact that Harry Ape is wearing a fedora to the gym — and I love all of it. I also love the solution to the mystery, which plays on our idea that ape feet are really pretty hand-like, so it makes sense that they’d leave prints, but also lets us know that human toeprints could be used as evidence as well, so you’d better not be out there committing crimes barefoot. Anyway, it’s really too bad for Harry that when the ascendent animals took over the wreckage of our civilization, they couldn’t figure out our advanced “gloves, but for feet” technology.

Mary Worth, 12/11/22

I honestly cannot get over the fact that Iris is more or less ignoring the weird hot babysitter sexual roleplay vibe Zak and Nan have been putting out for this entire encounter and only seems to care about how much she and Nan look alike. (And I guess that Nan can’t remember her name, which is genuinely annoying.) Anyway, she seems not to be hung up on the age gap thing at the moment, so it’s good that she didn’t verbalize the Doublement commercial joke, because they haven’t aired those since the mid ’80s and Zak definitely would not get it.

Hi and Lois, 12/11/12

Every once in a while Hi and Lois decides its mission is to paint an uncompromising portrait of middle-class suburban life. Like today, for instance, when the joke is that a man has cheaped out on a Christmas tree, then tried and failed to lie to his wife about it.

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Zits, 12/10/22

The thing about dad jokes is that they are corny but actually perfectly constructed. Think about the classic “I’m hungry!” “Hi, hungry, I’m dad.” It’s corny as hell but pure and precise and not clunky at all. Claiming that Harley-Davidson underwear is the same thing as “a Harley” represents a failure to respect the linguistic disconnect — “underwear” is not a singular noun, you would never say “an underwear” or anything like that. This violates the form of the dad joke and I declare Walt a dad joke moron.

Family Circus, 12/10/22

Speaking of morons, I was going to go on a whole riff here about how “horn” and “corn” derive from the same Indo-European etymological root, but you know what? Billy’s too dumb to ever appreciate it, not that I’d be explaining it to him, obviously, but still: it’s wasted on him, thematically. And you! It’s Saturday, maybe I should go outside!