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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/23/23

Like all industries, the newspaper soap opera strip game is inevitably prone to jealousies and copycat moves when one strip has a true breakout moment — like, say, when a character falls to his death off a cruise ship, except it turns out that he didn’t really die, actually. Still, it’s hard to top the original, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I feel like Wilbur earned his not-death, in that we had quite a bit of lead-up involving him getting drunk, feuding with Estelle, doing the “King of the World” thing, etc. Whereas this storyline seemed to be hinting instead at some battle of wits between Rene and Hank Jr. that might eventually escalate to a battle of fists, but instead we just get Rene going from 0 to murder in a single panel, and Hank foiling said murder attempt two panels later by simply stepping out of the way, an act that can never be spun as “exciting” even if the narration box describes it with an exclamation point. Anyway, I’m not sure if Rene is actually dead or just Wilbur dead, but I do hope that either way a few hours in the bosom of the sea dissolves a lot of that spirit gum so that, when they fish him/his corpse out, his dumb chinbeard is only halfway attached.

Mary Worth, 4/23/23

Speaking of people who died, but then didn’t die, but then died a much more crushing death, which is to say a romantic and emotional death, here’s Wilbur, sob-singing his way through 1976 banger “Don’t Cry Out Loud” in front of a karaoke crowd that I assume is cringing so hard they’re sustaining internal organ damage, and then we smash cut to Dr. Ed and Estelle publicly canoodling and declaring their love for one another. It’s perfect, and now that you’ve read it, you can go do some lawn work or spring cleaning or just lie down and have a nice little Sunday nap, because all is right with the world.

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Six Chix, 4/22/23

I feel like there are few more depressing sentences in the English language than “cake is biodegradable,” which implies that these people aren’t going to eat this delicious cake but are rather just going to leave it out in this open field to slowly rot. These are (I think?) children and the cake is almost as big as they are, so it’s unrealistic to expect them to eat all of it, but still, it’s quite melancholy. I suppose it’s supposed to be the Earth Day equivalent of that time a British train museum tossed a chocolate cake into a locomotive’s firebox for its 145th birthday, but like, a lot less fun.

Rhymes With Orange, 4/22/23

A lot of strips did Earth Day jokes today, and I spent quite a while trying to figure out if this was one of them, but I don’t think it was! I think it’s just a strip asking us to contemplate whether a bird cleaning the food out of a crocodile’s teeth is an erotic experience, for either party.

Mary Worth, 4/22/23

If you were at a karaoke studio and a visibly angry man got on stage and announced “This song is dedicated to me … because I need to hear this!”, how excited would you be for what was about to happen, on a scale from 10 to some kind of number that’s so large that only our most powerful computers could even generate it?

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This week’s top comment? Is that what you’re after? Well, good news: here it is.

“Being presented with ‘so many things to do’ and then opting for ‘wandering around a bit before going back to our room’ is ridiculously on brand for Rex Morgan protagonists.” –TheDiva

There were many competitors for this top spot! Here are the runners up.

“So, uh, why is Dagwood’s ‘treasure chest’ clearly one of those rock band touring cases? I refuse to believe Dagwood has ever seen any form of live music that didn’t involve the Charleston, and I certainly refuse to believe he was a roadie for the kind of insufferable alt rock band that would wear that kind of hat.” –Schroduck

“The titular leading lady of the strip rarely gets to exhibit any personality beyond being a plank-like straight man for Dagwood’s antics, but it’s always regrettable when those uncommon opportunities arise. Women-be-shopping, judgmental gossiping, and a psychotically violent impulse towards anachronistic headwear. That’s all you’ll ever know about Blondie Bumstead, and you’ll wish you knew less.” –jroggs

“Shouldn’t the hat be riding on top of Dagwood’s cowlicks? You can’t tell me those things bend.” –matt w

“Excited to learn about Hootin’ Holler’s burgeoning zine culture.” –MRNA Loy, on Twitter

“No … Rod, these are bottles of root beer. He’s in really bad shape, man.” –taig

“Retirement, lesson 1: Keep your arms crossed at all times. Lesson 2: Take off the ski mask. Jeez, give the guy a chance, will ya? He’s already halfway through the course!” –Peanut Gallery

“Of course he doesn’t recognize you, that room is nearly pitch black with a bit of grey(?) ambient light. See those people in the background? That’s how you look to them!” –pugfuggly

“When the bill for veterinary services is presented, I hope the woman with the dog knows enough to at least try ‘we can discuss compensation later [wink].’” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

If the Wilbur Weston drinking game requires us to take a shot every time he responds to ‘How are you?’ with ‘Not great,’ we might as well call the paramedics now.” –BigTed

“Does he know? Is Gil aware of the 145 dropped subplots out there?” –2+2=7

“Hank and Yvonne. We’re on history’s most boring honeymoon!” –MKay

“Dennis, in his quest to be a demagogue, has already begun the work of rhetorically denying the terrible things he will say in his speeches, which his followers will believe, no Ministry of Truth needed. Right now it’s lying about saying some soft swear words, but this will build faster than anyone, even us long-time readers, will be ready for.” –Philip

“Lois put her children in front of a channel known for its nudity without even checking before what they were watching. This strip is slowly evolving from the 1950s to the 1980s.” –Ettorre

“It’s a good thing Ed and Estelle only go to The Piano Bar and not The Karaoke Club. What? The Piano Bar is closed tonight? Fate rears its comb-overed head…” –Myrtle

“Old Purple Dress is over there thinking, ‘I was just going to come in, sell her a few tubes of Rodan & Fields Lash Boost, then get the hell out of here. How did it come to this?’” –Old School Allie Cat

“Manners, schmanners. Menace, penace. Why’s this panel shaped like Alberta?” –pastordan

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