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Let’s get right into the day … and right into the comment of the week:

“As a scholar of game theory and social choice, Elmo knows that any binary selection system will inevitably fail Arrow’s impossibility theorem, and only a numerical scaled preference can deliver a truly fair result. Just one of the hundreds of rationalisations that Elmo’s multi-million dollar consultancy will bring to North Pole Inc.” –Schroduck

“If, tomorrow, Toby walks in and all three women recreate the classic ‘Spider-man pointing’ meme, I’ll take back every negative thing I’ve ever said about this strip.” –John Plugger Mellencamp

“I was going to make a joke about the guy Greymuzzle will introduce Dick and Sam to. He’s a furry-porn artist but actually redraws the art from other more talented artists. ‘Dick Tracy, I’d like you to meet Dick Trace-y.’” –The Rambling Otter

“‘Serve cheerfully’!? In the grim police state that is Dick Tracy’s world, a jury summons can not only require your intellectual labor, but pile on emotional labor too.” –Peanut Gallery

“Elmo, Santa Claus is a fifth-century bishop, his ethical system is completely rigid and completely incomprehensible to modern people. How many Arians did you slap this year? See, this is why no children get Christmas present and parents have to buy them!” –Ettorre

“I can’t get over how the janitor is just sitting there cheerfully recounting his Hague-Tribunal-worthy crimes against humanity. I hesitate to use the term ‘history’s greatest monster,’ or at least I used to. Have I been subconsciously reserving it?” –Violet

“She’s watching them feed each other with chopsticks but still only focused on how much they look alike. If I wore a Wilbur mask I could fuck Entertainer Esme over the dinner table and everyone would only focus on how good a mask it is.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Jeez Alice. All Dennis asked for was a pair of dress slacks, a fur-lined navy peacoat, and a festive scarf. He just wants to look as smart as Joey and the other executives for their corporate holiday party!” –Carsick Yankee

“We’re just a couple days away from Future Janitor casually dropping ‘…and of course, Bull Bushka had to die.’”–Biiirdmaaan!

“If Lisa didn’t die, there wouldn’t be Lisa’s Story and without Lisa’s Story, Les Moore wouldn’t have the Best Actress Oscar in his possession that will very soon, fingers crossed, be the murder weapon that does him in if we’re going to get any sort of satisfying conclusion to this strip.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Downside? You want a downside? How about your mailman robot achieving sentience, linking up with the USPS Collective and enslaving you? ~Chuckle~” –MKay

“Also, all those times where, uh, things that were supposed to be funny didn’t quite land? That was caused by a feedback loop in the space-time continuum. Hard to explain the physics, but all those gags were actually hilarious.” –pugfuggly

“Oh, the luxurious perks of diner ownership. A common man like myself can only dream of being able to prepare and eat scrambled eggs and buttered toast at any time!” –jroggs

“Regional branding is quaint, but ultimately won’t hold up when some Big Box Cartel moves to town and forces a hostile takeover of your operations. Every mom-and-pop drug den will be shut down.” –Philip

“Wait, Cranky is passed out and not complaining. Seems like the best case to me — oh, he’s going to pee on himself, isn’t he?” –But What Do I Know?

“Judging from the sign in the stands, the team is now known as the Milford Rocks, no doubt due to their uncanny propensity for sinking to the bottom.” –Pozzo

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Shoe, 12/9/22

I suppose it’s possible that immediately before the action we see here in the strip, Loon was pridefully boasting of his achievements or good qualities to this bird-priest and earned this stern rebuke. But his posture (slouched, staring off into the middle distance, seemingly unaware that the bird-priest is even there) makes me doubt that. From context, it seems like this clergybird is just quoting (misquoting, actually) judgemental bible verses at random. If this is the state of bird Christianity, it’s no wonder that bird Judaism is flourishing.

Judge Parker, 12/9/22

This dude in the vest is some former Sam Driver client whose name I can’t be bothered to remember or look up and who now serves as his guide through the seedy Cavelton criminal underworld. He says it’s too dangerous for him to tell Sam the details he needs, but fortunately for Sam and us he simply cannot let an exposition-prompt such as “like they went after Judge Duncan” pass him by. Sure he could’ve just said “Yep!” while smiling tightly, but who could resist the chance to dish out “Oh, you mean Judge Meth-Head, the judge who loves to buy meth?” gossip to someone who clearly hasn’t heard it yet.

Gil Thorp, 12/9/2

“Look at that! Oh, right, you can’t, because nobody drew it. Well, take our word for it, it was pretty cool.”

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Judge Parker, 12/8/22

When I was a teen, there was a syndicated War of the Worlds show that was a sequel to the 1950s movie version, but set in the present-day (i.e., the late ’80s) when the aliens from the movie — who were not dead after all, just in suspended animation and kept in secret labs around the world — started waking up and making a comeback. I pretty instantly fell in love with this show, and so was somewhat discomfited when the second season started and abruptly the time period was shifted to a dystopian, riot-scarred “near future” where society had begun to unravel, and several beloved (by me) characters were killed off almost right away and new boring ones introduced. This was before obsessive online fandom was a thing, so there was no real way for 14-year-old me to know that a new showrunner had been brought in to change things up, but shoutout to the War of the Worlds (1988 TV series) superfan who put all the drama on the Wikipedia article.

My point is that Cavelton, the Connecticut-ish Judge Parker setting, has always been pretty bucolic and suburban, but suddenly we’re expected to believe that since 2018 it’s been in the grips of “the C18,” a deadly drug gang. Well, I’m not 14 anymore and I’m not going to just accept this. I’m calling it now: these C18 guys are just as boring as everyone else in this drippy town, as evidenced by the fact that their attempt to come up with a cool name like “MS-13” produced extremely dopey results.

Crankshaft, 12/8/22

You’re talking to a janitor from the future about how the book you’re about to write will create a utopia. Meanwhile, or maybe ten years ago, who can say, I’m passed out drunk in a Santa costume in the middle of the day. We are not the same.