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Mary Worth, 7/13/22

Sorry to be BRIEFLY relatively serious on here but, let’s not forget that Jared and Dawn got together in the first place because she had been involved in a office romance with an older man who — oopsie! — turned out to be married, and Jared was there with his suave moves to pick up the pieces of Dawn’s shattered emotional state and claim him as his girlfriend/wounded baby bird. Fortunately for Dawn, she experiences emotional trauma all the time and has learned to bounce back quickly from it, so Jared had no choice to abandon his girlfriend who is capable of having fun and move on to a new one who has physical scars, not just emotional ones. Jared is a real creep in other words??? I hate him???? I want only bad things to happen to him?????

Funky Winkerbean, 7/13/22

Speaking of unpleasant people whom I dislike, the lesson that the Funkyverse is learning from Crankshaft’s untrammeled reign of terror is that the average newspaper comics reader wants to see irritated old men being unpleasant to people for no real reason, and … honestly, they’re probably not wrong!

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Hi and Lois, 7/12/22

Though I strongly believe in the comedy principle that specific things are funnier than vague things, I have kind of come to respect the fact that most comics dads have the same extremely ill-defined white-collar jobs they’ve had since the ’50s. Their wives got their jobs in the more specific ’80s and ’90s, so they’re in identifiable businesses like “real estate” or “catering,” but the husbands are still going to generic offices doing generic professional stuff in the year 2022. Today even Mr. Foofram looks utterly exhausted by this ruse, as he urges his employees to give 110% with an affect indicating that he’s giving about 35%, 40% tops.

Crankshaft, 7/12/22

On Sunday, America’s comics-reading public was “treated” to Ed Crankshaft — and this is no time for delicacy, so I’m just going to say it — fucking his girlfriend in a car less than three feet away from impressionable children. Today we learn that he likes to leave plates of rotting meat out to attract flies. I fear that this strip is beginning to realize that its main character will never experience any pushback or consequences for his actions, and that’s taking things to a very dark place.

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Gil Thorp, 7/11/22

Big news, everybody! Neal Rubin, who in my mind had been writing Gil Thorp forever but in fact started the gig just a few months before I launched this blog in 2004 (nervous, uncomfortable laughter), has written his last storyline and is passing the baton to new hands. It seems that the subtle “Be Seeing You” in Thursday’s strip wasn’t a reference to The Prisoner so much as a good-bye, though I could see how writing Gil Thorp might eventually come to feel like being trapped in a bizarre small town where full of weird people with inscrutable motives and nobody can give you a straight answer about what’s happening.

Anyway, the new writer is comic book vet Henry Barajas, who claims that the strip “holds a special place in my heart,” so it’s exciting to see what happens next! Day 1 is here to reassure us that this isn’t going to be some gritty reimagined Thorpiverse or anything. Gil is the coach, Gil is good, Gil is getting a major award in the middle of the summer, how dare you impugn Gil’s good name, ALL HAIL GIL

Mary Worth, 7/11/22

Speaking of impugning people’s good names, I’m afraid I misunderstood the original strip in which Jess appeared as saying that she had been the victim of domestic violence, when in fact she suffered an attack by a stranger in the course of a robbery. Does this make her resulting meet-cute with Jared less distressing? I’ve given it a lot of thought, and while the whole thing is still bad, I’m willing to downgrade it from “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO” to “eeeuuurrrggggghhhhh.” I’m not made of stone!

Marvin, 7/11/22

Really appreciate how much effort has been put into the blazing rays of the sun outside the window in today’s Marvin to make sure we understand that a smugly smiling Jeff is talking about getting “peace and quiet” by leaving his terrible son out in the summer heat, to die.