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Family Circus, 5/22/22

There’s “I increasingly find Pluggers relatable” old and then there’s “I unironically find the Family Circus funny” old, but I have to say, I unironically find today’s Family Circus funny. The punchline is good, of course, but I also enjoy how sad Billy looks. You’ve ruined his day, Big Daddy Keane! I was going to say that it’s OK for me to enjoy this Family Circus because of how mean it is, but maybe that’s why all the old people have always liked it. All those kindly grandmas cutting out the panels and hanging them on their fridge thinking, “That’s right, Billy, you’re an ignorant little shit, just like my daughter’s eldest.”

The Lockhorns, 5/22/22

I have, of course, been on Team Enjoying The Lockhorns Unironically since my youth, and I deeply respect that rather than phoning in Sundays with a single giant panel the creators instead deliver five separate individual weekday-equivalent panels, each with its own gag. This collection, like most Sunday groups, consists mostly of bangers: top right and lower left are the weakest but even these are passable wordplay; top left shows an actual awareness of how a newfangled social media thing works; middle is a moodily drawn glimpse into a sadly disordered mind; and bottom right is a great visual gag. At least there’s some consistency in this crazy, topsy turvy world, and it’s how much Leroy and Loretta hate each other.

Gasoline Alley, 5/22/22

Oh, has that all been too much sweetness and light for you? Fine: I will never say a kind word about Gasoline Alley. Never, do you hear me? Today’s strip features two senile old men talking nonsense to each other and neither of them can remember whether they’ve said it or heard it before, and is thus a perfect metaphor for the experience of reading the comic strip Gasoline Alley.

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Daddy Daze, 5/21/22

I generally think of piles of leaves as pretty ephemeral things, but apparently the one next to the Daddy Daze Daddy’s house has been there mouldering and rotting long enough that he expects his ex, who does not (and perhaps never did?) live there, to know about it, which may say a lot about why they broke up.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/21/22

THE COMIC STRIP MARVIN [juvenile, anti-intellectual]: Haw haw, this baby peed in his diaper!

THE COMIC STRIP FUNKY WINKERBEAN [imparting profound, soul-burdening wisdom]: Someday — perhaps someday soon — you will grow old and die, and as part of that process, you will inevitably piss yourself, so you’d better buy some diapers now to prepare.

Dick Tracy, 5/21/22

“I’ve decide to go by a norman human name and stop dressing in impractical knight’s garb so I cHAHA JUST KIDDING I’M A DICK TRACY CHARACTER, THIS IS OUR ENTIRE DEAL”

Slylock Fox, 5/21/22

Slylock Fox’s Which Two Scenes Are Exactly Alike? Presents: FRANKENBART: The Frankenstein Made Out Of Bart Simpsons’ Corpse

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The comment of the week? It’s coming sooner than you think.

“What’s the angle here? Shady Shrew sinks his boat to collect the insurance money which, by definition, is only just going to offset the price of the boat that he totaled to perpetuate the scheme. It’s not a failing upholstery business, just sell the boat if you need the cash, man. Unless there’s something more here … pretty intense to send all the evidence to the bottom of the ocean, somebody’s going to have to make a long and hazardous dive to investigate, maybe a nosy fox who’s been a thorn in your side for too long. You know as well as anyone that the gifts of this new era of animal dominion haven’t been evenly distributed and nobody has it worse that the fish. Great big brains like the rest of us but they still live like beasts, cowering naked in the mud. Wouldn’t be hard to find a desperate shark who’s willing to take a payday just for doing what comes naturally, one last time.” –BananaSam

The runners up are also hilarious!

“I’m actually kind of delighted to see the grade-school-level kitty and woof-woof drawings Toby has taught the students in her art class to create. Is it possible that Helen was the only decent educator at Santa Royale Community College? Now that she’s leaving, Cal and Maddie will learn even less than before — though they’ll be free to continue their blossoming romance as they graduate into the supermarket shelf-stocking and checkout-clerking industries, which we all know can be fine careers for this town’s less-prepared couples. And if they ever want to learn about, say, Camus, they can do so by reading the newspaper’s comics page!” –BigTed

“The photographer doesn’t get it! On Instagram, you send the same picture to all your followers! Personalized pictures for each follower is OnlyFans. And OnlyFans in the Funkyverse is just pictures of a chemo machine.” –Ettorre

“It’s a safe bet that the worst strips from a given franchise are the ones that originate with the author either overhearing or just imagining a perfect setup for a punchline and then rushing to grab their felt tip™ and commit the joke to paper. ‘Haha that kid said gram but what if the person he said it to thought he meant grandma! That’s comedy gold!!! Gold! And what’s up with Ovaltine? Looks more like Roundtine to me iykwim, aittyd!’” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“It’s fustratin’ howz I works so hard, wif the moonshinin’ an’ chicken nabbin’ an’ suchlike, but I got nuffin t’show fur’t cuz Loweezy spends all th’ money on brazeers.” –Violet

“So, what exactly is Dagwood’s schedule where he is clearly ready for work and outside at Elmo’s bus stop? Has Dagwood already flattened the mailman? Does he go back to bed to set up that gag?” –Kevin on Earth

“Is Snuffy canonically a glutton? He’s lazy, uneducated, a miser, an irresponsible gambler, and a miscreant, sure, but I don’t think he’s really been characterized as having a big appetite. It’s not looking good if the writers of this strip weren’t able to get to #8 on their countdown without having to pilfer traits from Dagwood Bumstead.” –jroggs

“I really like how Henry’s ‘friend’ looks like he’s primed and ready to burst out of the house in a huff, but decided to restrain himself for just a minute to hear what Dennis had to say. ‘Is this one of those kids who says the darndest things? I’ll wait to hear the punchline and then I’m so outta here!’” –pugfuggly

“Absolutely believe that Ian’s takeaway from all this is that he has a rare gift, and must pursue a carREER… in the THEAtre! That is the one and only lesson he’s learned. Wouldn’t even swear he remembers who Cal and Helen are.” –Dan

“Gil has totally bought into the idea that a blind person’s other senses make up for his loss of sight as he speaks in a normal voice to someone, as far as pictured here, who is no longer on the field.” –Hibbleton

“Feeling very cheated that we aren’t getting Leroy’s side of the conversation here. ‘So, it’s like a ledger, but made of blocks. And, uh, you put the blocks in a chain and … each block has an ape on it. And you can’t funge the ape, because it’s already chained up. But you need to pay for the gas to mine the ape, you see, so it can go to the metaverse. And that’s why … no, let me start over, I forgot that you can use multiple slurp juices on a single ape.’” –Schroduck

“Last week it was sloppy Joe sweaters, today it’s Bitcoin. We may be completely off track on the great Lockhorns generation debate. I’m hesitant to even acknowledge it, but … we may need to consider the possibility that Loretta and Leroy are ageless demigods, living among humankind as some kind of punishment, either for their sins or for ours.” –Austria

“Alexander was just off put by the sound of trillions of souls screaming in agony that escaped through his father’s clenched teeth.” –Dread

“Office Worker With Hair and a Normal Waist: ‘I’ll trade ya for this urine specimen!’” —
Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Is there a hole in the seat of his pants for his tail to fit through? Uh oh, now I’m wondering if any of these birds have buttocks. Welp, I knew this day would come someday. [EJECTS BRAIN]” –made of wince

“‘Toby, have I ever told you that I would do anything for you?’ ‘…no?’ ‘Phew!’” –matt w

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