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They won’t even release the podcast until Marty nails down another mattress ad

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Beetle Bailey, 8/12/22

Wow, we all spent a lot of time making fun Beetle Bailey as a “lazy bum” and a “moron” and a “disgrace to the U.S. military,” but it turns out he’s quite capable of using his military training to quickly and accurately assess threats to unit’s current position. Unfortunately, his “unit” consists of three guys in a trench with two WWI-era rifles between them and they’re about to be annihilated by artillery fire, but still, it’s nice to know he’s not the dummy we all thought he was.

Gil Thorp, 8/12/22

I apologize for my earlier misstatement: Marty Moon doesn’t have a radio show, he has a podcast, which he records at a radio station, but still: he’s moved away from tired, legacy media like radio waves and is now in tune with what the hip kids are into with their iPhones and cyberspace and stuff, because he is a media leader who keeps up with the times. Either that or WDIG won’t let him do live on-air stuff anymore, ever since “the incident.”

Marvin, 8/12/22

Marvin’s grandpa’s friend (no, I’m not going to try to remember his name and I never will) really has spent the entire week staring his own mortality and failure as a person in the face, but it’s almost the weekend so today we’re gonna “have a little fun” (talk about the cruel games he and his wife play because they have come to despite each other but cannot imagine being apart).

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Ghost-who-cannot-die [an aide whispers in my ear] wait what

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Gil Thorp, 8/11/22

Inveterate heel Marty Moon has done exactly two nice things in his entire life: in 2008 he pretended to be a kid’s dad so the kid and his siblings didn’t get taken into foster care, and today he defended Gil’s sexual constancy on air. Only Marty gets to talk shit about Gil, new guy!

Hi and Lois, 8/11/22

Love the captain’s facial expression in this strip, though I’m honestly not sure if it’s meant to indicate “Ahh, you’ll get to see some pirates soon, all right … when the pirates I’ve made a deal with show up and take you all hostage, paying me a portion of the ransom like we arranged” or “Wow I am extremely high, good thing it’s making me even better at steering this boat.”

The Phantom, 8/11/22

Oh, hey, uh, they killed the Phantom? The Phantom is dead? RIP the Phantom, 1936-2022, I guess?

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Dream hater

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Mary Worth, 8/10/22

A relatively recent and welcome addition to the Mary Worth storytelling canon is the wacky dream sequence, in which the characters confront whatever their current dilemma is in a series of images that are simultaneously hallucinatory and extremely on the nose. Anyway, it’s already Wednesday, so we’d better get full week and half of whatever Weston chimera, half-Dawn and half-Wilbur, is going to be the horrified and horrifying subject of this next nightmare. Not sure if Dawn’s “AUGGGH!” is meant to indicate that we’re already in the dream and she’s beginning to experience the awful physical transformation into Wilburdom, or if it’s just because her lower GI tract is firing on all cylinders thanks to that chili.

The Lockhorns, 8/10/12

Absolutely loving the contrast between Loretta’s whimsical flotation device and her utterly dead facial expression here. Maybe she thought this would get Leroy’s goat more than it actually ended up doing, or maybe she thought they’d both have a little laugh about it. But you can tell that she realized it would just make her look dumb before Leroy even saw her. It was too late to change course, though. A Lockhorn always commits to the bit.

Hi and Lois, 8/10/22

“Ha ha, it’s funny because he’s a known alcoholic, and we’re using beer, the very thing to which he’s tragically addicted, to convince him to take care of our house! We’re drinking wine, because we’re sophisticates. Hey, have you seen the kids? Did we forget to bring them?”