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Funky Winkerbean, 3/2/22

I truly enjoy the fact that these two old timer comics artist have been dragged out of retirement (one of them was actually dragged back to life from the realm of ghosts and spirits) to add a little Golden Age verve to Atomik Comix, only to be told they should do a comic where their super-powered heroes should battle, like, a metaphor, man. Their facial expressions in the final panel are absolutely appropriate.

Beetle Bailey, 3/2/22

TIRED: Sarge and Beetle’s public antagonism is a cover for a secret sexual relationship that has a lot less reason to be secret now that gay service members can serve openly.
WIRED: Pvt. Blips and Spc. Gizmo are a couple of real freaks whose kinks cannot be accommodated by banal physical reality. They spend all day plugged into their Oculus Rifts and teledildonic rigs so they can enjoy the experience of 69ing each other in the metaverse as two unicorns with multiple sets of genitalia or whatever. These kids are the nastiest people in this comic and I am here for it.

Blondie, 3/2/22

I was about to say that a doctor saying, “C’mon, can’t you open wider than that?” to a child would be fine but saying it to an adult would be extremely creepy. But isn’t Dagwood essentially a child, with his constant cheerful indulgence of his own appetites, his love of dressing up, and his inability to take his job seriously? He definitely should be condescended to like an 8-year-old and his doctor knows it. Anyway, he also has throat cancer.

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Blondie, 3/1/22

Sorry, I know Blondie loves nothing more than mash together their characters’ extremely broadly defined character traits with whatever “topical content” they can think of, but I have to call bullshit on this one. Sure, Dagwood Bumstead 1.0, the wealthy, dissolute failson, would’ve hopped on the Panama Limited in Chicago and turned his Pullman Car into an impromptu speakeasy before rolling into New Orleans the next morning, then spent the next week in a gin and ether haze throwing beads at flappers. But 2022 Dagwood Bumstead is a smug, polo-shirt wearing suburbanite who doesn’t spend any time in whatever city his suburb is next to and he absolutely isn’t going to some gross place like New Orleans where he might see poor people enjoying themselves in an uncouth manner. I suppose it’s possible he used the request to get Mr. Dithers to “compromise” on letting him dress like a jackass at work, but I honestly don’t think Dithers needs much prompting to let Dagwood embarrass himself in public.

Mary Worth, 3/1/22

Cal and Toby’s frisbee banter is very weird, as they’re repeatedly complimenting each other on their skills at an extremely simple pastime for children. I’m wondering if Cal is supposed to be an Ultimate Frisbee player, which is somewhat more difficult, but the syndicate made them take out “Ultimate” because it wasn’t relatable or maybe was trademarked, and then the artist interpreted the resulting dialogue by having these two just hurling a frisbee at each other with maximum force from like two feet away.

The Lockhorns, 3/1/22

Gotta love the little puff of breath in front of Leroy, telling you this is a cold day. He could’ve stayed home, or in the car, but he braved the chill to follow Loretta right up to the door of the spa so he could lob this little poison dart at her at the very last minute and ensure that the entire experience was ruined for her.

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Mary Worth, 2/28/22

Look, folks, if you can’t handle “Josh falls in love with a new Mary Worth plot” after so many damn years on this blog, then I don’t even know why you’re reading this blog at this point, but I am definitely in love with today’s strip, in which Cal and “Ms. C” flirt by flinging a frisbee back and forth at one another at point-blank range. See, Cal’s mom, playing frisbee isn’t a waste of time, because if Toby manages to break Cal’s hand, he’s probably guaranteed an A in her class and he won’t even have to go anymore.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/28/22

One of my low-key favorite running bits in Snuffy Smith is that Snuffy constantly cheats at poker and routinely gets the shit beat out of him for it. Anyway, I really enjoy today’s strip because you can see everyone’s face begin to darken between panels one and two and realize that another explosion of brutal violence is on the horizon. Lukey is unconcerned about the coming assault on his best friend, though. It’s none of his business! Snuffy brought it on himself, as usual!

Slylock Fox, 2/28/22

The answer to the riddle is that someone gave birth on this cursed sea voyage, and I for one am upset that there’s some adorable baby animal on board that we don’t get to see, even though it probably would’ve given away the answer. Anyway that baby is dead now! It drowned, because there weren’t enough life jackets.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/28/22

I know I call Pete “Mopey Pete” all the time on this blog, but even I’m surprised to hear that he’s always “lightening the mood” around the Atomic Comix bullpen with propaganda for the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement. “Have you met any of the people in this comic strip?” he asks. “We’re all completely irredeemable.”