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Hagar the Horrible, 9/14/22

Feels like someone over at Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC is trying to feed into my “when exactly in history does Hagar the Horrible take place” — and it’s working! So, some fun facts: England really did have a King Edgar, and he really did come to the throne as a scruffy teen. He became king in 959, though he succeeded his brother, not his father, who had died years earlier, and his coronation ceremony was devised by Saint Dunstan (a bishop, not an orangutang) and (topical!) is the basis for the ceremony still used by British monarchs to this day. His Wikipedia article claims that “Scandinavia was ‘largely quiescent’ during this period and Viking activity directed towards England was much reduced,” but we all know that records from this era are spotty, because it’s clear that he got his palace utterly plundered by Hagar fairly early in his reign.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/14/22

Sorry, it turns out we couldn’t squeeze much drama out of “Buck is in charge of an old person,” so instead we’ve got … these two! A boring teen and her single mom, whose latest romance fizzled in an extremely uninteresting way! Um. Tune in tomorrow when … hopefully Sarah has another head injury?

Pluggers, 9/14/22

Do … do pluggers think you’re supposed to type on your phone with your thumbs? And that having more thumbs would therefore be helpful? Because that would explain a lot (about why they’re bad at typing on their phones).

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Dustin, 9/13/22

You gotta respect (and by “you gotta respect” I mean “you are not at all required to respect, and in fact I’d think a lot less of you if you did”) Dustin’s dad total commitment to the bit, with the bit being that he does not love or like his son and wishes he didn’t have to see or deal with him. He’ll tell anyone! Even people who’ve never met Dustin! I honestly love the salesman’s facial expression in the second panel here. “The fuck, man? I just want to sell you a couch, I did not consent to participate in your family’s psychodrama.”

Hi and Lois, 9/13/22

This may be one of the first ever Hi and Lois strips I can remember that doesn’t depict any of the core cast. I guess we’re supposed to assume that it’s either Hi or Thirsty on the other end of that Zoom call (I mean, Thirsty’s been “quiet quitting” for years) but I think it’d be funnier if Mr. Foofram has been getting in touch with each of his employees one by one, desperate to get someone to come back and keep him company in the expensive real estate he occupies, only to be repeatedly rebuffed, producing that facial expression.

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Judge Parker, 9/12/22

Hey, remember when Judge Parker Senior ran a vanity campaign for mayor, and not only didn’t win but ended up dropping out before the election even happened, which is even more embarrassing? Well, now another member of the local nobility wants in on that, apparently. Alan at least had the vague outlines of a political platform for his abortive stab at relevance — I described it at the time as “prison abolition and left-leaning NIMBYISM from a perspective of noblesse oblige” — but I’m assuming that the extremely divorced Abbey’s main goal in seeking political power will just be revenge on her various enemies, which frankly has a much greater chance of success.

Mary Worth, 9/12/22

Oh, sorry, since Dawn successfully self-actualized her breakup I thought maybe we’d be getting a new storyline this week, but no, we need Mary to explain what Dawn has learned first. Panel two makes it clear that Dawn has long experience in this scenario and knows that if she assumes an absolutely neutral facial expression this won’t last as long, or at least she can retreat to her mind palace while she waits for it to blow over.

Dick Tracy, 9/12/22

“By which I mean, you’re still gonna wear this stuff when we have sex, right? That’s kinda what I signed up for.”