Post Content

Slylock Fox, 7/14/22

Here’s another sad scene from the tail end of those terrifying weeks when humans lost control of their planet to the Animals that would soon form the regime for which Slylock Fox serves as an enforcer. This doctor, one of the few H. sapiens survivors, hears a rumor of another free human holed up in the desert somewhere. He hitches a ride out there with a sympathetic horse, but when all he finds are dry bones, his mind finally snaps. “He could still be alive!” he shouts through the tears. “Let me check his vital signs!” “C’mon, doc,” the horse says, in shock at seeing the Earth’s former dominant species reduced to such a pathetic state. “Come back to the city! An amnesty’s been declared! They need medicos in the Reserved Zones!” But he’s not listening. That vulture, now — he knows what’s up. He knows these soft humans can die from a broken heart just as easily as from a hoofed or fanged attack. He knows there’s good eating coming.

Dennis the Menace, 7/14/22

What specific sort of menace is Dennis about to unleash with that hammer? A lot of people are going to say “balls-oriented menace” but I think our boy’s smart enough to know that he can do more lasting damage if he aims for the knees.

Post Content

Mary Worth, 7/13/22

Sorry to be BRIEFLY relatively serious on here but, let’s not forget that Jared and Dawn got together in the first place because she had been involved in a office romance with an older man who — oopsie! — turned out to be married, and Jared was there with his suave moves to pick up the pieces of Dawn’s shattered emotional state and claim him as his girlfriend/wounded baby bird. Fortunately for Dawn, she experiences emotional trauma all the time and has learned to bounce back quickly from it, so Jared had no choice to abandon his girlfriend who is capable of having fun and move on to a new one who has physical scars, not just emotional ones. Jared is a real creep in other words??? I hate him???? I want only bad things to happen to him?????

Funky Winkerbean, 7/13/22

Speaking of unpleasant people whom I dislike, the lesson that the Funkyverse is learning from Crankshaft’s untrammeled reign of terror is that the average newspaper comics reader wants to see irritated old men being unpleasant to people for no real reason, and … honestly, they’re probably not wrong!

Post Content

Hi and Lois, 7/12/22

Though I strongly believe in the comedy principle that specific things are funnier than vague things, I have kind of come to respect the fact that most comics dads have the same extremely ill-defined white-collar jobs they’ve had since the ’50s. Their wives got their jobs in the more specific ’80s and ’90s, so they’re in identifiable businesses like “real estate” or “catering,” but the husbands are still going to generic offices doing generic professional stuff in the year 2022. Today even Mr. Foofram looks utterly exhausted by this ruse, as he urges his employees to give 110% with an affect indicating that he’s giving about 35%, 40% tops.

Crankshaft, 7/12/22

On Sunday, America’s comics-reading public was “treated” to Ed Crankshaft — and this is no time for delicacy, so I’m just going to say it — fucking his girlfriend in a car less than three feet away from impressionable children. Today we learn that he likes to leave plates of rotting meat out to attract flies. I fear that this strip is beginning to realize that its main character will never experience any pushback or consequences for his actions, and that’s taking things to a very dark place.