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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/11/21

GTV8 ANCHOR BRYCE NEWMARK: Tonight’s top story: One local big sister, previously believed to be “basically OK,” has now been discovered to be “a big ol’ jerk.” Chad?

REPORTER CHAD HARRINGTON: That’s correct, Bryce. Sources on the ground have determined that this elder sibling, far from being “all right I guess” or even just “whatever,” is in fact “a big ol’ jerk.” We’re probing more deeply into this story and will keep you appraised of developments

NEWMARK: Is it possible that the big sister question is actually “a total doody head”?

HARRINGTON: We don’t have any solid information on that point yet. But a lot of our sources are definitely pointing in that direction.

NEWMARK: Say, wasn’t there something involving a comic book about a police cat in this story somewhere?

HARRINGTON: Maybe, but literally who cares!

[EVERYONE IN THE STUDIO LAUGHS]

Gasoline Alley, 12/11/21

Look, I don’t feel like explaining what’s happening in Gasoline Alley and you frankly don’t want to sit through the explanation, but just trust me when I say that the sudden presence of a sinister, grinning talking doll that says things like “Where do you want to go?” and “What’s the hold up?” when innocent children get nervous about the promise to transport them across time and space via dark magic came very much out of nowhere and I am here for it.

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WHOOMP HERE IT IS COTW!

This is the most sexual this strip has ever been or will be again. Ten years from now the fans will still be talking about that time a gal on the wrong side of the law indirectly referred to her [insert Depression-era slang term for ‘breasts’].” –Lee Sherman

RUNNERS UP TOOOO

“I’m convinced that nothing in the funny pages has the comedic verve of two parties having a gentle, amiable chat where they conclude that Wilbur’s not such a bad guy, then smash cutting to Wilbur slipping further into his pursuits of being the worst guy.” –Notbooked, on Twitter

“The bonus joke in that last panel is that Granny has ben wandering around for 40 minutes looking for the linen closet.” –pugfuggly

“The most obvious reading of ‘NOGUNCLOG’ isn’t ‘Nog Unclog’ but ‘No Gun Clog,’ so presumably Crankshaft has just been knocking back bottles of solvent meant for cleaning out rifle barrels.” –Schroduck

“That is a terrifyingly precise GPS on Blondie’s phone. I wanna check if Dithers runs a military contractor or something, but probably not. Not because I think Dagwood would refuse to work on projects like that, I just don’t think he could resist licking his chops, imagining food, and saying stuff like ‘precision scone strikes!’ or ‘acceptable collateral ham-age!’” –Dan

“I’m more concerned than I should be that Snuffy’s butt-kicking, while inarguably long overdue, has broken him so completely that he refuses to acknowledge that it even happened. That, and that he now says weirdly stilted things like ‘A stiffly starched curtain, then,’ apparently. How he’s even become aware of the concept of dry cleaning is a thread to be pulled another day — I can only withstand so much cognitive dissonance from my comic strips in one sitting.” –Doctor Moreau

“So you can’t buy a doorknob in Hootin’ Holler but you can find 36 x 20 overalls?” –Mikey

“I’m so amused at how checked out so many of the characters are to their own snooze-worthy stories. I’m pretty sure panel #3 would have would have been exactly the same if Rex had, say, mentioned Sarah caused the explosion that rocked downtown a few weeks ago.” –2+2=7

“Of course Trixie has trouble walking. She has only three toes. Three toes!” –Guillermo el chiclero

“Institutions tend to replicate themselves, so the firefighters need a pyromaniac to justify their existence. It’s social ecology and it’s beautiful.” –Ettorre

“Is this going to be Hi and Lois’s go-to joke structure for a while? ‘It’s amazing how actors can remember all those lines — I can’t even speak!’ ‘It’s amazing how scientists cure diseases — I think a sunbeam is a person!’ ‘It’s amazing how baseball players hit home runs — I can’t go to the bathroom on my own!’ Yeah we get it Trixie you’re a baby and you can’t do anything!” –jenna

“It would be very funny if we went through this whole media circus in agonizing soap opera time, weeks of people being interviewed, the Morgans fretting about what this unwanted attention could do to Sarah, all for it to wrap up in a month when the interviews are edited down to a thirty second package that gets bumped at the last minute when somebody sends in a home video of a raccoon that got stuck in their pool.” –BananaSam

“Who knew that the overall message of Mary Worth was ‘There is no God?’” –Applemask

“Once again, we have to wonder why the owners of a condo complex in one of the most expensive beach cities in the U.S., in the hottest real-estate market ever, would devote acres and acres of prime property to landscaped walking paths instead of developing them. (‘Oh, wait,’ said the armchair detective who’s been on the case for years, secretly following the exploits of Santa Royale’s most notorious creep. ‘That’s where Wilbur’s bodies are buried!’)” –BigTed

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Dick Tracy, 12/10/21

Ever since the raid on Apparatus HQ, Dick’s been hard at work down in the phrenology lab, trying to determine if the Ace of Spades’s gimp mask concealed a sloping Italianate brow, or, worse, the lantern jaw of an Irishman.

Blondie, 12/10/21

[adds “nice, plump gobbler combo” to the list of phrases that if I encounter them again I will immediately call the police]

Mary Worth, 12/10/21

God damn it, if this isn’t some kind of Wilbur fantasty sequence I am calling on all Comics Curmudgeon readers to immediately riot in the streets!!!! THEY CAN’T GET AWAY WITH THIS

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/10/21

She … she called the news hotline and told them all about it? Try to keep up, kid.