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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/9/21

I honestly kind of respect how many no shits this local news crew gives about this extremely pointless segment. Like, normally they would’ve called in advance, made sure everyone relevant to the story was available and in the same room before they started, talked them through the questions they were going to ask, gotten consent forms signed by their parents, etc. But, whatever, channel [squints] “GTV8” does it cinéma vérité style, letting the chain of connections and relationships that ultimately brought the truth to light unspool for the viewers at home exactly as the documentarians are discovering them. I certainly hope that this entire thing is being broadcast live, as was the hour or so they spent standing around on the Morgans’ doorstep earlier.

Gil Thorp, 12/9/21

God bless Gil Thorp, a soap opera strip that I believe on the whole fulfills its basic mission of delivering goofy teen sports-related drama pretty well, but not every storyline can be a winner, and this fall’s has definitely been something of a dud. How appropriate, then, that it ends due to something happening off-panel, completely outside the control of the protagonists. I do appreciate that Marty is trying to sound like a big-time sports journalist who’s just had an intern run in to the studio to keep him updated on the latest scores even though he’s clearly just reading them off his phone.

Dick Tracy, 12/9/21

You ever wonder what happens if the new bras they give you before you go into witness protection don’t fit right? Well, don’t worry: that’s when the Federal Boob Inspectors swing into action.

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Hi and Lois, 12/8/21

I’m reasonably sure we’ve never actually seen Trixie walking before? It’s 100% appropriate that this is the context in which she takes her first steps: just left alone in the middle of floor, with her parents nowhere to be seen and possibly not even in the house.

Crankshaft, 12/8/21

Man, wouldn’t it be great if this is how we found out that Crankshaft died? “Hey, we realized that your father hasn’t been a huge inconvenience and waste of first responder time and energy this year. Is something up with him?” “Oh, yeah, he died.” [starting tomorrow a tire ad is run in this spot on the comics page]

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/7/21

So Nancy finally got herself motivated to put an evil scheme in motion, for certain limited definitions of “evil” and “scheme,” and decided to blow Sarah’s cover about the whole Kitty Cop pseudonym thing, and because there are no murders or political corruption or even fun car chases in the Morgans’ boring burg, the local news is camped out on their front steps demanding an interview. Just in time for Niki to show up with tonight’s dinner! These days, Niki is merely yet another bland teen character in Rex Morgan, M.D., but you might recall that he arrived in the strip as a petty thief who stole June’s purse. Eventually, of course, he was brought to the side of boring goodness when Rex took him on a wholesome, manly fishing vacation. Anyway, I have vague memories that among Nancy’s other crimes, she at one point tried to steal Niki away from Kelly (who also used to be a bajillion times more interesting than she is now), so it would be fun if Niki had gone back to the dark side and is wearing a wire so that he can sneak in to the Morgan house and get an interview with Sarah that will make Nancy rich and the Morgans embarrassed, but “fun” is the one thing this strip doesn’t do so it definitely won’t happen.

Dennis the Menace, 12/7/21

Not sure what’s more unsettling: that Mr. Wilson might be planning to make a crude mannequin out of cast-off objects he has lying around the house, label it “my sanity,” and start ostentatiously making out with it whenever Dennis is around, or the fact that the holiday season means that Dennis will be spending even less time with his family than usual.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/7/21

Hootin’ Holler! It’s a lawless place where you can experience vicious and arbitrary violence at any time thanks to a generations-old clan feud whose origins are long forgotten and a place where they don’t have fancy high-tech gizmos like “doorknobs”!