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Dick Tracy, 5/31/22

I apologize for my commentary yesterday in which I claimed that Dick Tracy would not want to get to the bottom of this whole non-violent bank robbery situation. In fact, there’s nothing Dick would like more than to put these smarty-pants computer-using cyber types in jail, and if they’ve been doing crimes with their IBM PCs, well, that’s just a bonus. I respect the understated way that the Cinnamon Knight, whose whole deal is that he dresses up like a knight from the late middle ages, explains that cyber crime is “not his speciality,” because you can’t stab it with a sword, I guess.

Pluggers, 5/31/22

Man, the combination of “Jingle Bells” being in a thought balloon, the slouch, and the plugger’s heavy-eyed expression sure adds up to a lowkey grim panel. “Jingle Bells,” thinks the plugger tunelessly, thinking about how these days Christmas is about the only thing he can get excited about, with the lights and church service and family all around, while the rest of the year just feels more and more difficult to take, and we’re about halfway between Christmases and it’s hard to imagine holding on for another year but I guess this utility bill isn’t going to mail itself, “jingle bells.”

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Beetle Bailey, 5/30/21

Hope you’re having a happy somber and meaningful Memorial Day, everybody! Beetle Bailey, America’s #1 only military-themed comic strip, is honoring our war dead by depicting our NCOs as brutes whose murderousness can only be deflected by their encouraging their ravenous appetites. Someone has desperately spray-painted “ALWAYS REMEMBER!” on one of Camp Swampy’s buildings, in an attempt to force these people to remember the real purpose behind today’s celebration (it didn’t work).

Hi and Lois, 5/30/21

Hi Flagston is so disgusted by his brother-in-law’s unit that he and Thirsty are spending Memorial Day giving what I assume is a shoutout to Popeye and, by extension, the forgotten veterans of the Merchant Marine, who had a higher rate of casualties during World War II of than any other service.

Marvin, 5/30/21

Speaking of stolen valor, I think it’s important that names like “M.U.T.T.” only be used for robot dogs, with the initials standing for “Multipurpose Unified Technological Terrier” or something like that. Insult Bitsy without treading on the prerogatives of the noble cyber-dogs, Marvin!

Dick Tracy, 5/30/21

“Oh, man, that sounds like white collar crime, which I definitely don’t care about. Next you’re gonna ask me to do something about wage theft! Ha ha, go call some lib who cares!”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/29/22

This is definitely one of the on-purpose funniest Rex Morgan strips in years, made funnier by its sort of shambolic, shaggy dog structure, where just a lot of random things happen and there isn’t any real point to any of it. Turns out the police force put their two oldest, creakiest cops on the costumed vigilante case, which is too bad because he used his magic slippery soap to completely incapacitate both of them and amble slowly away, holding a dude at gunpoint. Then you’ve got green sweater guy, who’s been downing beers at the bar for who knows how long, but finally realizes that his car alarm is going off (the car alarm must’ve been going off for the last week’s worth of strips, by the way) and stumbles over there to look dumbly at his windshield. The fact that Local Thug #2 is a little charmed by the random nickname one of these cops just gave him from a prone position is icing on the cake. Kudos all around!

Hi and Lois, 5/29/22

I’ve often wondered why Irma, who obviously despises her husband, stays with him. Turns out it’s because she’s economically dependent on him and has no choice. Grim stuff!

Daddy Daze, 5/29/22

“It ruins the soup. The soup is my life, in this metaphor. You’ve ruined my life! God, that feels good to get that off my chest.”