Post Content

Folks, it’s true: being a human is more complicated than being a cat. For instance, what if we see something terrible on the internet? A cat doesn’t even know what the internet is, so they don’t have to worry about that. But humans need to decide whether we’re going to report it to the FBI at IC3 dot gov, or just go to the Internet Read Aloud, my beloved live comedy show about the internet, to see if we make fun of it! And that show will be happening tonight, at 7 pm at the Clubhouse at 1607 N Vermont Ave in Los Angeles, so you should come to it, if you can! Bring a mask and proof of vaccination and we’ll have fun!

Also, if you like the radio, but also on the internet, you might want to listen to me on the Follow Friday podcast, talking about my favorite Internet people! Wow, what a rabbithole of internet this post has turned into! Don’t worry, though, this week’s comment of the week is wholly offline (and very funny):

“The writers of Dennis the Menace have decided they are never winning over the ‘Calvin Pees On Ford/Chevy Logo’ bootleg pickup truck decal market, and are pivoting to the smaller ‘Calvin Prays At The Cross’ bootleg minivan/SUV/crossover decal market.” –Philip

The runners up are also funny!

“Sure … I remember him … he’s quite OLD. And UGLY too! And, boy, I’ve never met anyone so DUMB, and I live [drops to a whisper] we’ll discuss it later.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Huge respect for the realistic assessment of Rene’s popularity as a villain. ‘I’ll be back! Or not! We’ll play this one by ear!’” –Dan

“Mr. Wilson’s cataracts are so severe that even he doesn’t know what he’s watching, and Dennis isn’t about to give him a clue.” –Pozzo

“Wrong on both counts, Dennis. Mr. Wilson is simply constipated.” –Ettorre

“I don’t mean that he stopped exercising the day he was born. He actually stopped just a few months ago. But when he did, I tracked down his birth certificate and wrote that day’s date on it. This is the kind of elaborately cruel thing I have to do to keep this marriage interesting.” –Joe Blevins

“Slightly worrying that over 14 years, Dr Blog has gone from being a short pasty white guy to a tall bearded brown-skinned man. Is one of them an imposter, or is Dr Blog an inherited secret identity like The Phantom?” –Schroduck

“Another one of the many, many things I love about Gil Thorp is the insights it gives me, a man with no children, into youth culture. Apparently kids say ‘mopes’ now! This sounds unlikely, but my coworkers with teenagers swear to me that they are bringing back mullets, so I will believe literally anything anyone, Neil Rubin included, tells me about high schoolers.” –Drew Funk

“I love how Bearman seems to be really struggling with this phrase. ‘So, is there a baby in the oven, then? Did … did someone fuck my oven?’” –pugfuggly

“Crankshaft’s female relative (name and relation unknown, as in I personally refuse to remember or look her up) smiles in the last panel because Crankshaft’s stupid-ass suggestion about overdosing on brain medicine has sparked a fond remembrance of the Bradley Cooper film Limitless, a film where Bradley Cooper takes a magic brain pill that makes him limitless.” –The Great Joe Bivins

“After the ambush, it was just Beetle and his backpack buddy left. But the backpack was smart, and cruel, and commanding, and Beetle wisely listened. After a six-month one-man war in occupied territory, Beetle and his backpack full of severed ears finally made it back to Allied lines. The brass wasn’t sure if they should pin a medal on his chest or court-martial him his war crimes. They split the difference, giving him the Silver Star (he demanded that they pin it on the backpack) and drumming him on a psychiatric discharge. So they hit the road, Beetle and backpack, walking the byways and highways of America, always looking for more ears to take, more enemies to kill.” –Voshkod

“I like the subtle juxtaposition between Gregg sweating over a pop quiz in darkness while his parents imagine a CEO who’s uneducated but ‘at least he’s reading something!’ Education is for suckers, son, but you won’t hear that from us.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“This story doesn’t need a plot. It’s all about product placement. Moy and Brigman are raking in big bucks from VW for featuring Toby in her Bug, and for showing that the vehicle is crash-resistant even with an idiot behind the wheel, stylish and sporty for the middle-aged driver, easy to park, with luxury features like a sunroof and leather seats surrounding one in such a cocoon of comfort that even ridiculous crying jags over situations that are completely divorced from reality are an absolute pleasure, if you have them in the driver’s seat of a VW Bug! Get the ‘bugs’ out in your VW — you won’t be ‘bugged’ for long!” –Charterstoned

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

Post Content

Slylock Fox, 4/1/22

In the Book of Genesis, there is a moment, immediately after Adam and Eve eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, when their minds shift before their habits: they’re still naked, as they had happily been before, but now they have a moral code that deems that nudity shameful, so they immediately have to lurch into action and create makeshift clothes for themselves. So too did the animals of Slylock Fox move haltingly from their previous, brutish existence into the post-animalpocalypse world we know. In today’s strip, these birds know that the old ways, in which the momma would simply vomit those worms down her child’s throat, are no longer acceptable, but they have yet to realize that their ability to manipulate tools like pails and silverware means that they can simply abandon that nest and forcibly evict the hapless humans from the comfortable house below.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/1/22

Ha ha, the “tin ceiling!” You know, because the video game was located in Montoni’s. And in Montoni’s the ceiling is … made of tin? Oh, you don’t know that? You’ve read Funky Winkerbean daily for years and you would never in your life make that connection? Well, screw you, man, today’s strip is for the real fans, who definitely exist.

Gil Thorp, 4/1/22

Say what you will about Gil Thorp, but the strip always manages to come up with new odd combinations of characters and traits for their storylines. Did any of us have “kid obsessed with baseball trivia with a dad who ghostwrites terrible CEO ‘leadership’ tomes that get sold at airport book stores” on their bingo cards? No, but I for one appreciate that we got here.

Mary Worth, 4/1/22

Speaking of unique new storylines and/or the lack thereof: hey, Toby, remember when your husband had a vague flirtation with a student that boosted his ego but didn’t go anywhere, and when he was given the opportunity he declined to dispute your description of it as an “emotional affair”? Well, I don’t know about your job, but marriage-wise, that’s what we call a “get out of jail free card.”

Post Content

Beetle Bailey, 3/31/22

Look, I have carefully curated my entire lifestyle so that I don’t have to know or care about the pop culture references or aesthetic sensibilities of anyone born after 2002. So it’s not entirely clear to me if the kids today are into ghastly backpacks that look like a nightmare version of human head with a zipped-up mouth, or if the brains behind Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC, who I assume have curated their lifestyles so that they don’t have to know or care about the pop culture references or aesthetic sensibilities of anyone born after 1964, just assume that this is a thing the kids today are into. Either way, I don’t care for it.

Dick Tracy, 3/31/22

Every time we’ve seen a performance from Vitamin’s new talent who parodies Tonsils, a cacophonic singer who almost killed Dick Tracy, he’s drawn with his arms like that. He’s not supposed to have six arms (you have to clarify these things with Dick Tracy, though if the did have six arms he’d be named something like “Sixarm” or “Armsix”), so I guess it’s supposed to represent a gesture of some sort, and this other lady is doing it too, now, so: fine, I’ll ask. What is it. What’s the gesture. Is it a jerk-off motion. Is “oh the rainbow turned muddy” some kind of code for masturbation that I’m unfamiliar with. I’m almost as grumpy as Dick is here.

Crankshaft, 3/31/22

Look, I don’t care if Crankshaft dies because he didn’t take his pills, or because he took too many of his pills. I just want him dead. It honestly doesn’t really even need to be pill related.