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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/15/24

Today’s Barney Google and Snuffy Smith punchline isn’t bad exactly. It’s a perfectly serviceable newspaper comic strip gag. There’s no shame in writing it, or in publishing it. But it’s not good, either, and it definitely doesn’t merit the insanely smug expression Jughaid is aiming at us through the fourth wall in the final panel. Settle down kid, it’s just a grape joke. Nobody’s gonna remember it tomorrow, but they are going to remember how off-putting you’re being.

Dennis the Menace, 6/15/24

Honestly, a little kid not just agreeing to look at old pictures with an old person but actually asking to do it seems like it would be an absolute dream scenario for said old person. The fact that Mr. Wilson is so firmly rejecting this offer really tells you a lot about the hell on Earth that is his Dennis-adjacent lifestyle.

Hi and Lois, 6/15/24

The project of reclaiming Thirsty’s original characterization as the neighborhood drunk has been getting grimmer for some time, and has entered a truly dark phase now, as his wife begs him to seek counseling, for her sake if not for his own, and he refuses in an incredibly dickish bait-and-switch designed to briefly give her hope that her awful home life might someday improve. What really makes this strip to me is the first panel, where you can see that Thirsty initially planned to just do a shot, but then changed his mind and decided to fill up a tumbler instead, so that he could really linger over that XXX-brand brown liquor flavor.

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Interested in reading this week’s top comment, as chosen by me? Well, good news: it’s here.

“What family does Declan have now? Not the one he’s marrying into, for sure: several key clauses in the pre-nup have made that quite clear.” –pugfuggly

As is my wont, I have also chosen a number of hilarious runners up:

“I doubt that there’s anything in Chunky Monkey that could choke an osprey, which can swallow a small fish whole. It’s the theobromine poisoning that will get him.” –matt w

“The beret tells us Schemeese is French, and I think it’s kind of sweet that for his execution they’ve tied him to a giant baguette.” –Peanut Gallery

“They still get a paper delivered? Is Ditto going to start a scrap metal drive for the war effort tomorrow?” –Everything Is Better With Monkeys

“I imagine a lot of Elon Musk fans aren’t familiar with the Phantom, so here’s a quick primer: he’s a white African born into wealth and privilege, who claims to be saving the world but who seems to spend a lot of time lurking in his high-tech base trying to eugenically breed his successors, and he’s going to meet a superhero in striped underpants.” –Schroduck

“That ‘SLAP!’ isn’t the sound of a newspaper being delivered. It’s a guy masturbating under their window. But Hi can still lament the changes in the world. In his day, a guy had to go down to the adult book store with the peep shows to do that. Today’s kids feel entitled to jerk off in his rhododendrons.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Does Gertie’s flashlight actually produce light or just place a wedge-shaped ‘day filter’ over part of the panel?” –MRNA Loy, on Bluesky

“This will really give us insight into how long the lead time on your typical Phantom strip is. Will Ian Mollusk be portrayed as a super-genius? It’s over four years. Will he be portrayed as kind of a doofus? About two years. Will he be portrayed as attempting to build a new utopia on the Moon, but only for white snails with divorced snail energy? Then these strips are being written right now. Anyhow, I applaud the fact that the rocket is still drawn like they drew them in the 1950s, some things should be eternal.” –The Ghost of Jarrod

“Dithers is an alien originally from a planet made out of Dagwoods (since destroyed).” –nescio

“Are you suffering from grief and major depression? Hi, I’m Mary Worth for Marworthxli, the fifteen minute cure!” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Is that tree moving, or is Roz’s place actually a revolving restaurant? You’d think a cool feature like that would bring in a lot more customers, but I guess a great view doesn’t mean as much when everyone’s a bird.” –BigTed

“It’s funny cuz ‘top’ has more than one meaning! …Hold on. It’s not funny. Never mind.” –Weaselboy

“[Minutes earlier, a text conversation…]
M – Jeff, my friend, I have a favor to ask of you.
J – sure mary whats up
M – Have you ever done a burial at sea before?
J – uh cant say i have
J – why
M – My dear friend Wilbur has been very sad lately and no longer values himself properly.
M – He isn’t taking my advice and I’m displeased by his poor attitude.
M – So after some thought, I figured this would be the best solution.
J – haha
J – wait are you serious
M – I’m always serious, Jeff.
M – This is what’s best for Wilbur.
J – holy shit
J – uh
J – okay
J – since its for you
J – bring wilbur in the morning
J – there will be less people around
M – Yes, this is a private matter. Thank you for being understanding, Jeff. See you tomorrow.
J – god help us for doing this
M – He surely will, Jeff. He surely will.” –jroggs

“‘Next assignment — come up with an idea for a comic strip about military life, that’s been running daily for over 70 years. That narrows the possibilities for originality. How about [scans Internet, hits a recipe site] pie? And with pie for a premise, what’s a punchline? [reads further on the recipe page] Ice cream! That combo is a [checks vocabulary list] knee-slapper! Now for the military part: the guys cooking and eating the pie are soldiers! Done!’ So today we have further evidence that at Walker-Browne Enterprises, even the artificial intelligence that produces the strips has a tee time. Hey, maybe this strip wasn’t its best work, but there was only three milliseconds left before robot golf!” –seismic-2

“That’s right, General, Sarge used French. I think he’s the enemy agent we’ve been looking for. Get the MPs over here quickly because … j’accuse. What? No, I said ‘I accuse.’ I accuse Sarge. [Cookie hung up the phone, humming ‘La Marseillaise’ quietly.]” –Voshkod

“Exxxxxcellent. Wilbur is wearing his best suit, which means he’s probably wearing his slippery, black, leather-soled dress shoes instead of the boat shoes worn by experienced sailors. If he doesn’t slip overboard first, Dr. Jeff will certainly toss him into the briny deep just for leaving scuff marks on the deck.” –Charterstoned

“Hi, I’m Chip and this is my temporary girlfriend, Chippina.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Wilbur, like myself, is an enthusiast of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream. He’s also somehow found a supermarket that carries it in half gallon containers and not just the usual pints. I’ve simultaneously identified with and experienced jealousy for Wilbur Weston this morning. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to sleep forever.” –Kevyn on Video

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Judge Parker, 6/14/24

Hey, remember “Declan,” Neddy’s fiance, who in previous appearances on this blog gave the general vibe of “amiable enough” and “amiable enough, possibly a little mid-afternoon wine drunk“? Probably what you’ve been thinking about him is “Well, I don’t really have a sense of Declan, but he seems amiable enough. Certainly his attitude isn’t going to take a sudden, sour turn as he rants about his decade-old family estrangement over multiple days and we don’t even get to see any of the story in a flashback or anything but it’s OK because it’s all business stuff so probably it would mostly be people standing around talking and frowning aggressively, just like this.” Unfortunately for all of us, it turns out that you are incorrect on that score.

Hi and Lois, 6/14/24

I don’t know why it bothers me so much that these two have the exactly same configuration of freckles, but it really does! It makes them look too much alike as they stare into each other’s eyes in panel one. The fact that this annoys me so much more than a pair of teens cheerfully setting the ticking timer on their relationship probably says a lot about me, and none of it good.

Mary Worth, 6/14/24

“Wait, he’s going to talk to it the whole time? No. Absolutely not. I’m out.” –Dr. Jeff, right before he chucks the keys to his boat into the water and stalks up the pier to his car