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So ends the 2021 Comics Curmudgeon Summer Fundraiser! Thank you, everybody!

Mark Trail, 9/4/21

It’s charming that with Mark’s long-running Woods and Wildlife gig at an end, Rusty and Cherry act as guides to his new wilderness of freelance work, relationships, and social media. And reassuring that Cherry never, ever shows him Twitter.

Lockhorns, 9/4/21

Loretta, it’s like you haven’t been paying attention the past fifty-three years.

Gasoline Alley, 9/4/21

Oh look, it’s Boog and Aubee, scions of the dead-eyed Skinner couple, Rover and Hoogy, recapping the story of Aubee’s sylvan birth. “Aubee?”, you ask, “What kind of name is that?” Well, upon delivering her, “Chipper” Wallet, who by the way is a PHYSICIAN’S ASSISTANT, exclaimed, “Well I’ll be! You have a beautiful, healthy baby girl.” Hoogy immediately named her daughter “Aubee,” because she pays as little attention to her children as we’d like to.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/4/21

Gah, it is so on-message for a high school in Funky Winkerbean to have a teachers’ “workroom” instead of a lounge, even though we’ve never seen anybody doing anything more strenuous there than drinking coffee, nor more intellectually demanding than complaining with those mopey little half-mouths of theirs.

Anyway, the white-haired guy with the lame bon mot is Jim Kablichnik. Everybody knows somebody like Jim Kablichnik. It’s a shame, really.

Dick Tracy, 9/4/21

Now I’m no history scholar like Josh, but I’m pretty sure history will still be a thing of the past even when we get better tools to investigate it. But don’t let me rain on Ace’s parade: he’s an official cigar-smoking member of The Apparatus at last!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Oh my gosh it’s the last day of the 2021 Comics Curmudgeon Summer Fundraiser! Hurry!

And remember, there’s no Comment of the Week on my watch—look for an extra helping from Josh next Friday.

Mary Worth, 9/3/21

Wilbur canonically has exactly four hairs in his combover, never one more nor fewer. But his rage over %$#@! cat Libby’s shocking disrespect has released a flood of hair-sprouting testosterone, and now he can’t get enough. As if caught in a terrible Jason Statham movie, he must now keep the rage alive, until at last he stands utterly alone but glorious in his ’80’s arena-rock hirsute majesty.

Gil Thorp, 9/3/21

That’s it? Gil Thorp‘s legendary reporter Marjie Ducey says “Oops, I wanna retire!” and in comes this usurper and that’s it? What am I supposed to do with my Marjie Ducey is Gil Thorp’s Side-Piece fanfic now, huh?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/3/21

Uh-oh, looks like Jordan Like the Country’s stolen valor confession was itself a cover story for some dark secret which, in the manner of comic-strip dark secrets, has come back to haunt him.

But tread lightly, Griff! You think you can just waltz back to fill your buddy’s humdrum life with drama and passion? Look into those steely eyes—he’s heavily invested in this tedium. And if he has to go all Jordan Like the Rogue State Whose Interests Do Not Align With Those of Major Powers, so be it!

Between Friends, 9/3/21

Of the three principals in Between Friends, Susan and Kim have concerns (about aging and financial security, respectively), but only Maeve here has conflict. She’s been maintaining an exhausting long-distance relationship with love-interest Steve because of her relentless careerism (and, to be fair, his). Last week, though, she decided to march right up to her boss and quit in the interests of True Love.

Ah well, character runs deep and so does whatever she‘s got. Perhaps Steve will find solace in the arms of Marjie Ducey down there in the sweet enveloping darkness of the memory hole.

Venmo—like Vendo, without the candy!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Dick Tracy, 9/2/21

So this guy who may or may not be “Little” Notting a.k.a Ace of Spades snuck into Apparatus HQ with a plan for world domination using Diet Smith’s Time Drone. The Apparatus can be the first to steal it! Of course that won’t do any good, since the second outfit to steal it will send it right back in time to foil the original theft!

I can’t wait for Diet Smith’s press conference to be interrupted by an endless parade of stolen Time Drones, all crashing into one another and dropping to the floor, burying Diet under an enormous pile of broken Time Drones until he cancels the presser so the first Time Drone is never introduced. At that point, of course, the whole pile of stolen drones will disappear, leaving Diet sitting alone on the floor with a busted cigar in his mouth and a stupid look on his face. That’s the way this stuff works, right?

Daddy Daze, 9/2/21

Aw, Daddy wants to make sure Angus eats his vegetables!

Baby Blues, 9/2/21

Yes, Wanda—but you’re the one who chose the mullet. And from appearances, Darryl’s still wearing it; it’s just on backwards.

And OK, I know this will be a back-to-school “Zoe runs for class president” arc, but may we please have “The Press digs into Wanda’s past” next? Please? I’m sure it’s a treasure trove of erotic depravity.

Speaking of which, did we miss the Wedding of the Century?

9 Chickweed Lane, 9/1/21 (panel)

There you go. Now on to the important stuff:

9 Chickweed Lane, 9/2/21

I guess we won’t get to see if Seth’s ex Mark is bawling his eyes out in a back pew, throwing Seth’s clothing out his apartment window, or waiting in a red Alfa Duetto just outside.

Judge Parker, 9/2/21

A pattern is emerging in Judge Parker. Once a building—Sophie’s kidnap house, Neddy’s factory, Abbey’s Bed and Breakfast— outlives its usefulness it blows up, sinks into the earth, or burns down. Cavelton urban renewal! Abbey’s just upset that the job hasn’t been properly done: it is just so damn hard to find good help these days!

Josh’s favorite Salmon Square!

— Uncle Lumpy