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Mary Worth, 6/14/21

Oh hell yeah, it’s Shauna, everybody! Surely you’ve remembered Jeff’s little story about Drew’s ex Shauna, who was wild and demanding and also liked to steal stuff. Now she’s standing in front of the People’s Clinic bold as brass, looking all sexy in an … off the shoulder … sweatshirt? … and two tone bike shorts? … anyway, it’s simultaneously completely insane and also makes Ashlee look like a God-damned nun. Do you think that Shauna is here to provide a good role model to Ashlee of a grifter who truly commits to the bit? I hope so! Shauna went to jail, Ashlee! If she finds out you returned Drew’s watch because you felt bad about his dead mom, she’ll laugh in your face.

Shoe, 6/14/21

One thing you gotta respect about Shoe is that its cast of bird-people is just obviously crushingly depressed at all times, whether they’re slouching in front of the TV or getting out into nature in an attempt get some fresh air and maybe to feel something. Anyway, the good news is that if the Perfesser and his nephew ultimately die of exposure, the meat in their backpacks will rot before their flesh, so they won’t be too decomposed when the dogs find their bodies.

Family Circus, 6/14/21

I was about to be outraged by this blatant anti-American parody, but then I realized Jeffy wasn’t pledging allegiance to the Stars and Stripes at all, but rather to the Thin Black Line flag, which honors our referees, umpires, and other sporting officials, so I guess I can’t complain too much.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/13/21

Hello, Rex Morgan readers! In your desperate attempt to grab onto anything of even slight interest in this comic strip, anything at all with a little texture to it, have you ever thought that graphic novelist and writer’s block afflictee Kyle Vidpa had a kind of interesting name? One that had a little more ethnic flavor than your Morgans and your Wises and whatever bland WASP-y thing Jordan and Michelle’s last name probably is, which I refuse to look up? Well, bad news: “Kyle” “Vidpa” is actually named “Jake Rowling.” Ha ha, get it, it’s too close to J.K. Rowling, so he had to pick something else! Anyway, real respect to this strip for dragging this out over eight panels, can’t wait to see how many days of board games we have ahead of us for the rest of the week.

Crankshaft, 6/13/21

RIPPED FROM TODAY’S HEADLINES, or at least from the headlines from three months ago, which is honestly pretty good for syndicated newspaper comics: it’s today’s Crankshaft! The most interesting thing here from my point of view is how utterly miserable the ‘Shaft looks at having completely blocked up all global commerce in his dreamscape as a result of his usual antics. Does this mean that he doesn’t take joy in his careless driving, as I always assumed, but that he’s actually tortured over it? This is my favorite new piece of information that I’ve gotten all week!

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Shoe, 6/12/21

OK, first thing’s first: any legacy comics artist convinced they’re going to be on the cutting edge with a cryptocurrency joke has to acknowledge that Snuffy Smith did it first more than six years ago, and, frankly, did it better. Second, if Mort’s new proposed “alternatives for money” aren’t based on distributed computing and the blockchain, then he’s just trading one kind of fiat currency for another! Sure, he could print his own novelty CorpseBux or whatever that customers could trade for funerary services add-ons, but as long as they’re pegged to the dollar, his mortuary business is still under the tyrannical thumb of the Federal Reserve and the Bilderberg Group.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/12/21

For the past week, Harry Dinkle and his wife have been going on and on about his plan to attend a big band directors’ conference in Pasadena. Every day it was annoying, but every day when I was tempted to write about it here, I thought “No, I’m gonna hold out, I bet it gets worse.” Folks, I’m proud that my restraint means I get to present you with … this. Enjoy your weekend!