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Dick Tracy, 3/22/21

OK, just going to admit that I do not get what Dick means by “not without 5G” in panel three. I’m assuming he means the wireless telecommunications technology and this isn’t some piece of cop/gangster/Dick Tracy-specific slang, but, even so: I don’t get it. I guess he could be making a little joke, like “With all the new 5G phones and great wireless plans they have out now, it’s never been easier to reach out to a loved one or drop a dime on your underworld associates.” But maybe it’s more “We’re not going to get him to talk unless we turn up the 5G mind control rays, and those libs at the CDC say we’re not allowed to do that anymore now that we know they cause COVID.”

Gil Thorp, 3/22/21

Oh, man, I haven’t been updating you on the Gil Thorp plot, have I? Well, good news: the Mudlark girls’ basketball team made the playdowns! [five minutes later] We regret to inform you that the girls’ basketball team’s magical playdown run is over.

Gasoline Alley and Mother Goose and Grimm, 3/22/21

God damn it, we went through all the trouble of setting up the shared “What hoary old joke are you going to use in your syndicated newspaper comic strip today?” Google calendar, but it doesn’t work unless everyone updates it!

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Shoe, 3/21/21

You have to respect the absolute dedication that went into the production of today’s Shoe. For instance, someone at the syndicate presumably informed whoever thought up the joke that, no, society has not degraded so much that we can just print “cover your ass” in our talking bird funny-strip in mainstream newspapers. Did that deter them from soldiering on, even though the bowdlerized version of the phrase isn’t in common use at all? No, no it did not. Then, presumably, there came a point where the artist realized that, due to the long-established character design and the viewing angle chosen for the second panel of the strip, Shoe and the Perfesser’s tail feathers would be clearly visible. Now, you’re probably asking yourself: are the tail feathers themselves the analogue to the “ass” (or “rear”) of the common phrase, or do they themselves do the work of covering one’s ass/rear (which in this interpretation is the cloaca, I guess)? An interesting philosophical question, to be sure, but either answer renders the whole joke completely and obviously pointless. And yet, nevertheless, the Shoe creative team persisted. I for one think that’s beautiful, in its own way.

Family Circus, 3/21/21

One of the fundamental problems with long-running franchises and “cinematic universes” is that each new individual story adds a layer of canon that must be taken into account by future stories, and while I like to argue about Star Trek chronology and uniform design as much as the next nerd, I have come to sympathize with how this restricts the freedom of storytellers to produce an engaging narrative. That said, there are some lines that I feel strongly should not be crossed, no matter how entertaining the result. For instance, if there’s one thing we know from reading the Family Circus for decades, it’s that Jeffy does not understand the concept of object permanence.

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The Lockhorns, 3/20/21

I’ve never really pegged the Lockhorns as a religious pair — the only evidence I can find of them going to church is for a wedding, which Leroy talked shit about. And really, can you blame them for spurning the promises of a spiritual life? Think about how incongruous the thought of them praying before meals to whatever Creator has condemned them to their current existence: locked together forever in a semi-featureless void, never aging, never feeling more warmly towards one another, no way out. Surely their daily moment of silence is spent in fuming, inchoate rage — at their Tormentor above, for once, rather than at one another!

Beetle Bailey, 3/20/21

The little detail I love in this strip is the big smile on the bartender’s face. You’d think he’d be bummed that Sarge’s little joke is going to result in lower sales, tips, and goodwill in the bar tonight, but maybe he’s just a dedicated fan of cruel pranks.

Marvin, 3/20/21

Is … is “nose tissue” a thing people say? Maybe it is in the Marvinverse, where everyone thinks about pooping constantly, and wants to make absolutely sure you know that, for once, they aren’t talking about the other kind of widely used tissue paper (the kind for wiping poop off your butthole). Can you imagine if some of that tissue ended up in the washer! Ha ha! It would be extremely vile, and will also be the subject of next week’s Marvin.