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Zits, 7/18/20

Zits has been doing this mildly funny thing all week where various characters in or ostensible creative personnel behind the strip have been absent because they’re “on furlough” (ha ha, it’s funny because the world is in an economic crisis leading to widespread mandatory underemployment!), but today’s edition took, for one brief panel, a turn for the horny! But that wasn’t just restricted to Zits: there’s a real epidemic of horniness in today’s funny pages.

Beetle Bailey, 7/18/20

The “Halftracks hate each other” Beetle Bailey strips have done angry horny before, but this is a particularly egregious example. I think what really makes it is not that Mrs. Halftrack has hired some shirtless himbo to bring her liquor as she sits in her poolless back yard, and not even that General Halftrack is staring at her out the window; it’s that Major Greenbrass, the General’s subordinate and golf partner (I hesitate to say “friend”) has been roped into the ugly scene, much against his will.

Blondie, 7/18/20

Blondie is also extremely horny today, though it takes great pains to emphasize that this horniness takes places entirely within the boundaries of normative suburban heterosexual monogamy. I can’t put a finger on why, but I find the idea of Dagwood going all ahWOOga after seeing his wife’s hot bod while wearing a tan polo shirt tucked into black khaki shorts particularly distasteful.

The Lockhorns, 7/18/20

Today’s Lockhorns isn’t horny per se, but seeing Leroy angry because this movie isn’t arousing him the way he wants it to is at least horny-adjacent.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/18/20

A stern, mysterious old woman, dressed all in black, ordering Rex to follow her detailed instructions if he wants to win June’s affections? That’s so not horny that I think it’s looped all the way back around to horny again.

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Folks, your comment of the week momentarily, BUT FIRST: tonight, at 6 pm Pacific/9 pm Eastern/other times in other time zones, I trust you to do the math, it’s the first edition of the Internet Read Aloud … over the internet!

If you’ve already contacted me to get on the list, I’ll be sending out the Zoom URL in a few hours … but if you haven’t, email me at jfruh@jfruh.com in order to get on the list! Hope to “see” you all there!

But first, you’ll be seeing this week’s comment of the week!

“I hope Mark’s movie announcement is being picketed. He’s punched enough people that they might assemble to protest anything and everything that might bring him joy or prosperity, right?” –DevOpsDad

And your hilarious runners up!

“Look, I hate to do this, but ‘wedding tackle’ was in Austin Powers. And by ‘do this,’ I mean ‘admit that I have a clear memory of the euphemisms Austin Powers uses for his junk,’ not ‘nitpick.’” –Anonymous

“This doctor abused his position of power not to extract sexual favours from a nurse, but to solve some mild annoyance. Truly, Rex has always been Rex.” –Ettorre

“Just in case you were wondering if Marianne might be a character you could like, here’s a strip where she encourages Les Moore to talk.” –jroggs

“Wow Dick Tracy is actually kind of blowing my mind here. You got Howdy Doody (real boy version), a meth head, 30s era gangster, and a fat gourmond whose villainous power is fueled by hipster ice cream. They are mashing so many different genres of crap together that it’s making my sinuses ache.” –ArtistFKAtoxic

“It’s a little weird to point out how illegal what you’re doing is whilst you’re in the middle of commiting a crime, but this is still the most natural dialogue I’ve ever seen in Mark Trail.” –Rosstifer

“The worst thing about a plugger’s ‘accident’ in the kitchen is that it’s huge, because he’s a bear. Also, it smells like cooked cole slaw.” –BigTed

“Les is thinking it’s not the wig color that’s wrong but the wig itself. His dead wife Lisa died of cancer and she was BALD when she passed. Les needs to memorialize his dead wife the way she died, much like Christians depict Christ on the cross.” –jeltranksss

“Wow, Rex Morgan giving Mark Trail some competition for Least Convincing Affect by a Semi-Sentient Automation.” –ArtOfWargames, on Twitter

“I am rather concerned about the presence within the cafeteria of the orange-haired woman seen over Rex’s shoulder, since she has no face. Perhaps she is at the hospital because she is being treated for invisibility, but I fear it is more likely that her hospital gown is actually … empty. She is the Red Death, and she has come to claim the lives of everyone there. Now, I realize that Rex and June did not in fact die during their cute-meet, but remember that June is telling this story, and this is how she wishes it had turned out.” –seismic-2

“Mock Rocky’s outfit all you want, I’m glad that Beetle Bailey is giving us a peek into his pre-army life as a member of an ethnically-diverse 1980s Hollywood street gang.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Sarge is looking extremely shocked that the guy he’s known for over 60 years is acting true to his one-dimensional character traits. Brace yourself pal, I think Beetle might get lazy later, and it’s all fresh and terrifying to you every time, isn’t it.” –Dan

“Saul has experienced the death of his wife. He grieved the death of Greta’s predecessor. Recently his nameless cousin, who he apparently loved like a sister, died. Saul should understand the effects of grief but he abandoned Madi to Mary, who has never experienced an emotion.” –N.L. Urker, the Phillips screwdriver of the gods

“I always thought that Loweezy was a real large woman, given how she towers over her husband, but look at those giant dollar bills in her hand: she must be pretty damn small, and Snuffy must be absolutely miniscule! I guess the joke here is ‘severe malnutrition.’” –pugfuggly

“Putting the money in a bank is, of course, out of the question. The last bank in the Holler failed in 1933, when both depositors tried to withdraw their funds at the same time.” –Mr. A

Remember: If you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for a mere three dollars a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter! If you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Beetle Bailey, 7/17/20

You don’t often see Sarge and Cookie in the strip right next to each other, for the obvious reason that they’re clearly based on the same character model with ony very minor differences, and you don’t necessarily want to draw attention to that fact. Still, today’s strip kind of works because their similarities actually help you see the emotional journey they’re both on. In panel one, the spaghetti dinner has brought near identical expressions of joy to both their faces — but for very different reasons, as we soon learn. While Cookie is still beatific in panel two at the thought that he’s helped two souls in love together, Sarge as more troubled, both because he generally finds romance disturbing and distasteful and because he didn’t get his big plate of yummy spaghetti.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/17/20

Sure, one of the main themes of this strip is that Snuffy rejects God and cares more about his passing pleasures than the economic well-being of his family, but it’s rare that you see that spelled out quite so explicitly as in today’s installment.