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Panel from Slylock Fox, 8/30/20

Slylock seems pretty confident that Count Weirdly is lying about being anointed King of Earth by a powerful alien civilization, based on a firm belief that, as described by special relativity, the speed of light is in fact the upper limit at which information can travel. Of course, Count Weirdly has a working time machine, which you’d think would prove that ordinary physical laws don’t apply to him. You’d also think his powers to bend time itself would help him establish his rule over our planet without needing alien intervention on his behalf, but that’s a debate for another time.

Gasoline Alley, 8/30/20

Gasoline Alley is, along with The Simpsons, the last media franchise on Earth still trying to squeeze laughs out of Frank Nelson’s character from The Jack Benny Show. This Nelson-ish fellow has been annoying the Gasoline Alley crew intermittently over the years, and today has proven that even death can’t stop his antics. Still, we shouldn’t let the appearance of this beloved (?) figure distract us from the true horror here, which is that Walt, who was almost finally freed from his cursed, interminable earthly existence and was ready to receive his reward from his Creator, is being dragged back down to the plane of the living on the orders of a cruel family that simply will not let him die.

Shoe, 8/30/20

In the Shoe world of sapient birds, there is no pan-avian solidarity. Different bird species still see themselves in competition, and boast that they would certainly never be dismembered and eaten at human-run fast food restaurants! The fact that whole international businesses exist to murder and cook intelligent creatures isn’t the problem, the problem is actually that some of those creatures are too inherently dumb to avoid getting captured and processed into lunch. Pretty grim, if you ask me!

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Mary Worth, 8/29/20

If you had asked me where I might expect to encounter the line of dialogue “Pain exists. But so does hope,” I would’ve guessed the end of the first act of a big-budget superhero origin story movie, with an anonymous hooded figure staring down at our protagonist and throwing him a rope after he’d been left for dead in a pit somewhere. Our hero climbs out but the figure is gone, but he’s inspired to enter a years-long rigorous training program to make himself into the perfect fighting machine so he can defend his city from the kind of evil-doers who almost killed him, only to discover at the climax of the film that the mysterious leader of the twisted criminal syndicate he’s been trying to defeat is in fact his long-ago rescuer. “We’re not so different, you and I,” intones the Hood as the two of them battle it out on the city’s rooftops. “I made you so you could make me. A shadow cannot exist without the light.” But, you know, it could be an contented retiree making amiable chitchat with a tween as they sit besides the pool on a sunny Southern California day, that would work too!

Hi and Lois, 8/29/20

Today’s Hi and Lois is brought to you by the good people at the International Dairy Foods Association. In These Unprecedented Times℠, Cheese: Now More Than Ever™.

Pluggers, 8/29/20

Pluggers want more tomatoes. More. More tomatoes. Do you think they’ve had enough tomatoes? They’ll tell you when they’ve had enough. There will never be enough. More tomatoes. Bring more tomatoes to them. More. MORE. M O R E

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Hey all! Just a reminder that the Zoom version of my live comedy show, the Interent Read Aloud, is tonight!

Email me at jfruh@jfruh.com to get the Zoom URL, or sign up to get the URL and all future URLs from my mailing list!

But before the laughter, there’s … other laughter, at this week’s comment of the week.

“As an exhausted parent who sometimes feigns busy-ness just to get a few moments’ rest from the relentless magical narcissism whimsy of small children, I’ll just say that Bil and Thel studiously reading every last word on the back covers of their respective periodicals, like starving jackals picking every last bit of marrow from a bone, is a major feel.” –Effluvius Erratus

And your runners up are laughworthy as well!

“Beetle is thinking, ‘Man, it’s gonna be a long ride back to camp on the Picasso bus.’” –Peanut Gallery

“I finally understand why George yells at Dennis even when he’s not much of a menace. ‘He’s a bored and depressed old man, son. Try not to take it personally.’” –SeaCountry

“Loweezy finally left Snuffy and ran off with someone possessing a superior personality, a teddy bear. She likes ’em short.” –nescio

“Has mustache twirling gone out of style? It seems like beard stroking is all the rage with the huckster crowd these days.” –Wilktoast

“I think the ‘KEEP OUT’ sign reveals that this neighbor may not be concerned that Leroy was revealing what happened in a show that came out FIVE MONTHS ago, and is instead disturbed that Leroy was trespassing in his backyard at 3 a.m. to do it.” –Johnny Johnson, on Twitter

“No, no, no, my good friend and neighbor. Season three of Ozark was quite trite; your spoilers only prevented disappointment. This is the palisade wall for my reproduction of the keep at Oût in the Kingdom of Jerusalem. Yes, surely you recall the siege of Oût, where Saladin’s brave men battled Richard’s courageous Crusaders in hand-to-hand skirmishes that determined the fate of the Holy Land? Soon, old pal of mine, you will have a full-sized Crusader keep next door. Oh, yes, it will help resale value, particularly the authentic privies, which will empty into your back yard. Enjoy your frosty beverages!” –Voshkod

“Stress and repressed shame of the outlaw life is getting to Rene, so now his hands shake uncontrollably. He can’t go back to painting if he wanted to, so he dives deeper into crime, hoping the shaking gets bad enough to get him transfered to Dick Tracy.” –ArtOfWargames, on Twitter

“And Madi, when you call on her, make sure the chalk circle is FULLY CLOSED before you draw the pentagram. You don’t want her getting out before you can bind her.” –richardf8

“Having found all of the normal methods of educating the aging public about phone scams to be futile, the feds are turning to their last resort option: Rex Morgan, M.D.” –mary!

“Okay, Phantom’s Daughter’s Friend, for this next take, I want you to give me the kind of wide-eyed, gape-mouthed reaction rarely seen outside of silent movies and Three Stooges shorts. Remove any trace of subtlety from your performance. I want your facial expression to be readable from space. And … go!” –Joe Blevins

“Should they get Marvin a dog, hoping he will learn by example to poop in the yard? Or a cat, to teach him how to use a box? Which will make it easier on Marvin’s new foster parents when Jeff and Jenny dump him at the fire station and drive off into a new life?” –K.M.

“When the apocalypse comes, Loweezy’s tulips, capable of blooming their way straight through a sturdy cardboard box, will rule us all.” –pastordan

“‘A goldfish? With their short lives, we’d just wind up flushing it down the toilet.’ ‘No, I just meant one of those little crackers. He can play with it and won’t know the difference. He’s a baby, remember?’” –The Breathtaking Bonehead Brothers

“Thel is thinking: ‘One week ago they were miserable in the woods, but now they have already reframed their past through rose-tinted glasses, forgetting all their suffering. This is promising for how I will be treated in their therapy sessions!’” –Ettorre

“Empowerment and so on is all very well; but I really think militarizing maids and housekeepers has gone a little too far.” –odinthor

“Thel’s magazine cover story is about how supermodels emerge from the cocoon.” –RogerBW

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