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Mary Worth, 4/18/20

OK, I’m sorry, I’ve been willing to indulge Hugo’s cartoonish Francophilia, but did he really say that Hamilton, America’s most beloved cultural product of the last decade, isn’t as good as some tired-ass cabaret show that’s been running for more than 20 years at a venue that caters strictly to tourists and nostalgists? This will not stand, monsieur. This means war.

Judge Parker, 4/18/20

“We’re all gonna touch each other and stand in each other’s personal space and breathe into each other’s faces and give each other Covid-19! It’s gonna be a blast!”

Six Chix, 4/18/20

Big news, everybody: aliens are real and they’re horny as hell

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Comment of the week? You know it, baby!

“Beetle Bailey, in its way, is acknowledging the global pandemic. ‘Halftrack is a drunk, who hates his wife; and also his wife hates him, because he’s a drunk, as well as for other reasons’ is Beetle Bailey’s Saturday ‘joke’! On a Friday! In lockdown, we lose all sense of time; we drift rudderless in a sea of bitterness, anxiety, and fear, confined with our companions of happenstance, much like the denizens of Camp Swampy always have! There is no better comic for these times.” –a.

Runners up? You also know it, baby!

“Strange that Dagwood’s favorite foods do not include the sandwich named after him, the snack he named his daughter after, or the brownie-like dessert with his wife’s name. Eating grilled cheese sandwiches for Easter dinner, Dagwood will be full of loathing for himself and the women at the table. Good times!” –KMD

“Somehow, in this whole horrifying scenario, what offends me most is that chopped liver didn’t show up to defend itself.” –GTM

“Notice that the final speech bubble comes from a tree. None of the kids care about Kevin, but nature will embrace him, in this prosaic adaptation of Yeats’s ‘The Stolen Child’. Happy National Poetry Month!” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“The good news is that the pandemic is going to bring both Neddy’s Netflix show and Sophie’s political campaigning to a standstill, effectively muting two terrible stories at once. The bad news is that Sam may not survive the night. Wait, that’s also good news. This is a win-win-win.” –Joe Blevins

“Hugo’s a smart man. He’s keeping a tight grip on Dawn so she doesn’t glance to the side and fall hopelessly in love with any of the other air travelers.” –jroggs

“Did Hugo put on a suit to meet Dawn at the airport? Is he worried that his high-school-level French might not impress her anymore?” –Rita Lake

“Here’s an idea: Maybe Dawn should move the fuck out of a town where the only sexually appealing man her age is dating her Dad’s ex?” –Rosstifer

“‘Ba ba ba?’ ‘That’s right, Angus. Who run Bartertown? Angus LLC run Bartertown!’” –Voshkod

“Crankshaft’s not full of shit? I don’t believe it.” –nescio

“It was only later, much later, after the initial crisis had been attended to, that some in the household began to ask themselves, ‘Just why does Dolly keep track of who uses the toilet and when?’ It was a question which ultimately sent many therapists’ children to the finest colleges.” –odinthor

“I run into that sometimes in my line of work. People think they’re living this epic adventure of resistance and principle and no. Snuffy just hasn’t made enough to have to file; while bartering with coonskins for grits is technically income under 26 USC § 61, it falls under the de minimis exception.” –ArtistFKAtoxic

“I’m not really up on current events anymore, which is why I’m meeting multiple elderly friends for coffee.” –Dan

“Fer feck’s sake Dawn, that’s not a snooty opinion it’s just a fact: the bouillabaisse is probably going to be better in the region that inspired, invented and perfected it! You don’t hear him complaining about the American grape soda you apparently ordered for the table.” –pugfuggly

“So to recap: Meeting + Slide Show + Guest Speaker = Saving America’s Farms, but Meeting – Slide Show – Guest Speaker = Hoedown? I’m sure this goes without saying, but the world of Gasoline Alley was never meant for logic puzzles.” –Mighty Sean Young

“What stage of cyberpunk is ‘willingly living in a panopticon for self-erotic purposes?’” –Ettorre

“I’ll get copies to all the flop houses. I can just tuck them into their regular copies of Flop House Weekly.” –Peanut Gallery

“No, Elviney, you will never top the Barlows, because they apparently have something that puts them at the top of this barter economy: hard currency. They have cleverly stockpiled everything, knowing that their infusion of cash is about to spark runaway inflation in the Hootin’ Holler. What will you trade then, Elviney, for a sack of flour or that fishin’ lure? Only then will you truly see the value of your husband’s chicken thievery.” –Lawyerbob

“I love Hugo’s expression of alarm: ‘I am ze fwenssh hunk. If I look at les guerres d’etoiles, I weel become ze nerd. Mon dieux, zees cannot happen!’” –richardf8

“Look at the little smile on Hugo’s face, as if he’s quietly enjoying that he just stopped his girlfriend from doing something she was excited about. Is he enacting a plan to make her dump him so she saves him the trouble of dumping her? Making someone miss Jared is such an impossibly difficult task that honestly hats off to him for even attempting it.” –Jenna

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/17/20

I’m sure the Smifs and the Barlows could rattle off a list of slights and transgressions going back generations that have kept their blood feud alive, but today’s strip shows the real underlying structural motivation behind it: a battle over access to scarce resources.

Mary Worth, 4/17/20

Sure, Hugo is brusquely rejecting Dawn’s suggestion to look at a Star Wars … exhibit? movie? poster? … which is I guess a thing Dawn likes now, and this is a point against him in her mental calculus. But I think he’s actually growing as person: this was a perfect opportunity for him to go on at great length at how much better Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets was than any American sci-fi flick, but he chose not to.

Beetle Bailey, 4/17/20

As the creator of a long-running entertainment website, I understand the tension between going to the well of my classic running bits that regular fans love and doing jokes don’t require backstory so I can hook in potential new readers; newspaper comics face the same dilemma. Today’s Beetle Bailey presents a double face as a result. Longtime strip readers know that the joke here is about the fact that the General and his wife hate each other, and one thing she particularly hates is him staying out late at bars. But if you just came into this strip cold, with no background on the characters, there would really be one logical and obvious way to interpret this punchline: that the General, despite being weary of America’s endless wars, is about to go home, pick up the phone, and start giving the orders that will set yet another one in motion. You can see in his eyes that the thought of sending the ill-prepared men of Camp Swampy into combat is killing a part of his soul, but he has his orders and sees no way out.