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Slylock Fox, 4/27/20

OK, fine, you know what, “throwing ice cubes at a parade” is an extremely low-grade crime, so I can understand why Slylock did not feel like he needed to personally follow up on the tip they got from a busybody rabbit neighbor or whatever, but: the suspect’s still a wolf, you know? A wolf who could eat Max in one very efficient bite, should he, say, catch the poor sidekick rodent attempting to open a refrigerator door that weighs easily 20 to 30 times more than he does. And yeah, I guess he’s a wolf who’s idea of sinister behavior is throwing ice cubes at a parade, but he’s also a wolf with a visible ham in the fridge who lives in a society where pigs are citizens with rights, so he might be more dangerous than you think.

Six Chix, 4/27/20

Look, it’s not secret that newspaper cartooning isn’t as lucrative as it once was. Sure, we’d like to think we have artistic integrity and all that, but if a nice man from the U.S. Poultry & Egg Association called you up one day and explained how some well-intentioned but overzealous laws about chicken living spaces are really hurting America’s family farms, then suggested a joke for a comic and floated a tidy little sum that might be sent your way upon publication, well, would you really argue that much with him? It’s a pretty good joke!

Dennis the Menace, 4/27/20

The US Postal Service — for which Mr. Wilson worked — began home delivery in 1905, so I don’t think this is true, on any level? Unless … is Mr. Wilson immortal, an eternal being kept alive over the centuries by pure grouchiness? It would explain a lot.

Gasoline Alley, 4/27/20

You know what would really help farmers out? Slavery! Child slavery.

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 4/26/20

So you’re one of the last humans on earth, and you’re trying to make the best of your sad, lonely existence in an animal-dominated world, but that doesn’t mean you can neglect your health. There are still dentists, though they cater to animals, mostly, like beavers, with their big cliched teeth. And you’re sitting in the waiting room, and you’re flipping through the magazines, and remember Cat Fancy? It was a funny name, which nobody really understood because “fancy” was actually an archaic use of the word — at one point in its etymological evolution it meant the equivalent of “fandom” — and in 2015, towards the end of human civilization on the planet, it briefly changed its name to Catster before going out of business altogether. You’re thinking about all this and looking at a magazine printed now, in the world run by animals, and it’s called Fancy Cat, and you guess it’s something like Town & Country used to be, a chronicle of the rich and famous and socially well connected, only for … cats? And then you think, why not neglect your health. Why not walk out of the dentist’s office, skip your appointment, grab the magazine, grab the purse that some idiot just left sitting out there, then go home and eat a slice of cake and drink a can of full-sugar soda. Who cares about tooth decay, you know? Nothing matters anymore. Nothing matters.

Hi and Lois, 4/26/20

THOU SHALT HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME, TRIXIE

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/25/20

I think we’ve hit the uncanny valley segment of “comics do coronavirus,” where strips start throwing in catchphrases increasingly prevalent in public discourse to generate “ah ha, I recognize that” laugh-like reactions without actually trying to grapple with actual context these phrases come from. Thus you get Snuffy joking about the “stimulus package” the U.S. government is putting together to counteract the economic effects of the coronavirus pandemic without anyone in Hootin’ Holler actually changing their behavior in response to the coronavirus pandemic. Of course, Snuffy and his neighbors are the last people you’d expect to submit to the revenooers’ orders on how they should live their lives, but it’s also possible that they’re safe because the government long ago simply walled Hootin’ Holler off from the rest of the country, for their protection and for ours.

Daddy Daze, 4/25/20

I know I’ve already discussed my theory that the Daddy Daze coffeeshop strips are just updated versions of the bar strips in every other syndicated newspaper comic. Today’s offering features a very despondent Daddy Daze Daddy’s Goth Twin, guzzling his coffee as he contemplates a parenting style that, it seems clear, has already ruined his child’s life, and I’m basically assuming at this point that these strips were all drawn to take place in a bar and then forcibly changed to a coffee shop by editorial intervention.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/25/20

“Finally! White people are back on top in this town! White people with normal names, like ‘Mason Jarre!’”