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Mary Worth, 11/29/19

Well, Iris has decided to consult a doctor for the symptoms she’s been experiencing. This guy kind of looks like Dr. Jeff, except younger, so maybe it’s supposed be Dr. Jeff’s son Dr. Drew, who two-time Dawn and got smacked around for it but hasn’t been seen since the new art team took over. Anyway, remember years ago in Funky Winkerbean when Les’s wife Lisa was told her cancer was in remission, but it really wasn’t and she was only told that as a result of some kind of paperwork mixup, and then she died? Well, it looks like Iris’s obvious pregnancy is currently being misdiagnosed as a typical case of old-broad-itis, which should lead to wacky results. As Marx put it in his Eighteenth Brumaire of Louis Napoleon: “Hegel remarks somewhere that all great world-historic facts and personages appear, so to speak, twice. He forgot to add: the first time as tragedy, the second time as farce.”

Gil Thorp, 11/29/19

Ha ha, Chet thought he could trust Marty Moon to help him with his plot to undermine Chance Macy and win his stepson’s love, but that’s too far even for Marty, so Marty narc’d him out, probably ruining his career and his marriage! Good times, good times. When the Mudlarks fail to make the playdowns yet again, Marty and Gil will be able to agree that at least nobody likes Chet anymore, so the season hasn’t been a total loss.

Gasoline Alley, 11/29/19

Is … is this really a great story? I know that the economic collapse of many small-town and mid-market media outlets has been devastating, removing an important check on political power in those communities, but I’m starting to wonder if they maybe deserved it.

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Beetle Bailey, 11/28/19

It’s Thanksgiving in the United States, everyone! What are you thankful for? I had a whole bunch of bullshit about my family and friends lined up until I read today’s Beetle Bailey, but now I’m most thankful for the fact that I don’t live and work someplace where hungry packs of semi-feral dogs roam freely.

Dennis the Menace, 11/28/19

You have to admit that it’s pretty menacing to cheerfully point out that looking at the faces of the animals we’re about eat would make us uncomfortable and that’s 100% the reason why we don’t actually do it.

Rhymes With Orange, 11/28/19

Still not as menacing as imagining that not only do the turkeys we eat today have souls, but that those souls are being escorted to hell, right now as we’re digesting in front of the football game.

Dick Tracy, 11/28/19

Wow, I had sort of imagined Proof as a hard-hitting publication that took on corruption at the highest levels of our society, but apparently they paid for an undercover story on … carny crime? “Purse-snatching crows, huh? That sounds familiar,” says Dick, smiling slightly as he remembers the time he killed every single crow in Neo-Chicago.

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Crankshaft, 11/27/19

What do you all think the more likely scenario is here: That Ed Crankshaft the guy and/or Crankshaft the comic strip are making some kind of commentary about how nobody goes to the gym, and so “gym-packed” means that a gym is empty? Or was this just yet another out of the bottomless well of Meaningless Crankshaft Malapropos, but when it came time to do the art it turned out that drawing an actual crowded gym was hard, so, screw it, who cares, it’s just Crankshaft, you know? It’s just Crankshaft.

Gasoline Alley, 11/27/19

“Naturally! Who else? I definitely didn’t mean adults obsessed with conquering the aging process, who are travelling by train to S.A.N.T.A. (the Senescence Attenuation Network’s Transformation Area) where they’ll be injected with the so-called ‘Benjamin Button serum’ produced by extracting the vital fluids from these children! Why would you even think that? [nervous laughter]”

Dick Tracy, 11/27/19

HEY GUYS WERE YOU AWARE THAT THERE WAS ANOTHER DICK TRACY VILLAIN NAMED “SPLITFACE”?

BUT THIS ISN’T HIM

THIS GUY USED TO BE NAMED “HAF AND HAF”

WE’RE GOING TO KEEP TELLING YOU OVER AND OVER UNTIL YOU FIGURE IT OUT

GET WITH THE FRICKIN’ PROGRAM OK