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Hi and Lois, 9/2/18

Can you imagine if your all-powerful creator diety died? Imagine the sense of mourning, of emptiness that would hang over your whole universe in that scenario. And then you’d have to contemplate the possibility that it was only His constant new acts of creation that kept the world running, and that without that impetus maybe the tide would beging to shift the other way. “Old cartoonists never die. They just erase away,” says Lois, worrying that perhaps her own reality will soon begin to erase itself, removing her and everyone she loves from existence.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/2/18

Well, it looks like Millie was just waiting for one last visit from her high school boyfriend so he knew how hot she was before finally dropping dead. At least she died as she lived: slinging cheap food to ungrateful patrons at a mediocre diner, and dreaming of the day, just around the corner but always out of reach, when she’d be able to retire.

Mary Worth, 9/2/18

Oh, man, it’s a mean old man and his angry dog! He actively refuses Mary’s gift of food! This is going to be her greatest challenge yet! Watch out, Mr. Wynter: your life is about to have the the hell meddled out it. Dead wife? Estranged kids? Prickly exterior makes it hard to make friends? Mary will find your trauma and will force you to process it emotionally until you are fixed.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/1/18

Ah, Snuffy and Lukey are having a good laff, over the idea of a whole Congression’l District of Smifs! Of course, none of Snuffy’s relatives would have any intention of voting, paying taxes, obeying laws that restrict their whims, or otherwise buying into the scam of representative democracy. That’s why it’s so funny!

Dick Tracy, 9/1/18

I get that Sam and Dick are pleased, but those aren’t “Yay, we’re going to solve a mystery!” smiles. Those are “Looks like someone’s about to be shot multiple times in the face while ‘resisting arrest’” smiles.

Crankshaft, 9/1/18

Hey guys, for total verisimilitude, please go back and read the last year or so of Crankshaft, strips, and for every one that takes place on his bus, imagine a faint but distinct odor of stale vomit.

Gil Thorp, 9/1/18

I guarantee you that Gil has whined about “participation trophies” at some point in his life, but it appears the punchline for this summer’s golf storyline is “not cheating is basically winning!!!!” Bring on the bonfire, I’m begging you

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Hey all! Next week’s the first Friday of the month, so you know what that means: The Internet Read Aloud is happening in LA! Come see me and these funny people be funny!

Here is the Facebook event, which tells you all the details!

And now … your comment … of … the week!

“That owl though. ‘A CAVE? Can you believe this guy?’” –MissAgatha

And your hilarious runners up!

“Giant hogweed, also known as giant cow parsley and hogsbane, is also known as cartwheel-flower, giant cow parsnip, wild rhubarb and Heracleum mantegazzianum. The fact that Mark didn’t include these other names means he’s really slipping in the explanation department — which may not seem like a big deal until someone yells ‘Hey, watch out for the cartwheel-flower,’ but you don’t pay attention and end up getting your face burned off. Details matter, people!” –BigTed

“I like how the beach gets progressively more empty, as people flee Brandy and Tommy’s insufferable love talk. By the final panel even the sun has had enough, bringing dusk to California a full 5 hours early.” –pugfuggly

“Does anybody else feel like the Mary Worth is some kind of ominous foreshadowing, like Tommy is going to die trying to save it from drowning or something? Maybe the mind just sees what it wants to see. I have been hoping Tommy will drown for weeks now. In fact, I no longer care who drowns. Tommy, Brandy, me; let’s just get this over with.” –K.M.

“Jimmy Durante looks pretty good considering he’s been dead for almost 40 years. Ha-cha-cha-chaaaaaaa!” –Tom the Sailor Man

“Ah yes, muffins. The quintessential dessert for pool parties, picnics, and other summertime gatherings. And I’m sure they are bran muffins. Y’all can keep your watermelon! Mary knows the importance of staying regular.” –Havalina

“I also want to be counted amongst those who were shocked to see people actually in the pool at a pool party. What are they doing THERE and what are the DOING there? Is this a set up for some hero dog action? Will those people soon suffer from cramps for being in the water too soon after eating salmon ‘snacks’? There better be some G-D denouement including those two or I’ll be grinding my teeth something awful.” –The Mighty Captain E

“Ah, an elderly gentleman who wishes to be left the fuck alone so he may spend his golden years with his beloved dog. THIS HERESY MUST NOT STAND!” –Zerowolf

“Giving the loving illustration of that radio in Mark Trail, I can only assume it will soon be Mark’s sidekick. ‘How should we handle this, CeeBee?’ ‘Breaker breaker!’ ‘Ha! Good choice. Let’s break their jaws. I love you, CeeBee.’ ‘Wilco!’” –Voshkod

“This concludes another exciting episode of The Adventures of The Guy from ‘American Gothic.’” –Joe Blevins

“I’m not sure if this guy is already dead or not, but I better run before he hits the floor!” –Peanut Gallery

“Keep running until there’s no one left to chase you. That’s how I used to play tag when I was a kid. It was very effective. I’ve never been ‘it’, not even once. Of course, that didn’t make me very popular with my peers, but I think they were all just jealous. Hey, where are you going?” –made of wince

“The Hanks are, respectively, 95 and 75 years old. The most likely explanation is that neither of them know how to work that iPhone.” –Where’s Rocky

“Meanwhile a hawk tries very hard to convince people to build a new Aztec capital on this site, but everyone is too focused on petty looting to see the omen. Way to miss your destiny, Joe.” –pachoo

“Cindy doesn’t have any brothers or sisters. She’s a single! No caring mother or father, no inquisitive aunts or uncles. A single! No one would miss her if she were suddenly to disappear, say by going into a basement and having her organs harvested!” –seismic-2

“Hi and Lois is violating the Three Guys on a Sofa rule established by TV advertising that states one of them MUST be a person of color. However, following that rule would mess up the cultural insensitivity required by the joke of Thirsty’s Italian-American bookie. Don’t even get me started on him smoking inside the house.” –Chaze

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