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Pardon My Planet, 8/25/24

Ha ha, you guys, you know how Superman has heat vision, right? Well, what if — hear me out — what if he was out with his girlfriend, Lois Lane, but was subtly eyeing some other lady who he found attractive, but then his heat vision activated, possibly because he got horny, and then he set her on fire? Like, literally on fire, probably one of the most terrifying and horrific things someone could experience, her screams and the smell of burning flesh filling the restaurant. And then Lois is like “Superman! I’m mad at you!” Not because of the checking the lady out thing (they’re polyamorous), but because he’s horribly injured that woman and traumatized a bunch of people who just wanted a nice dinner out. Not so “super,” is it?

Mary Worth, 8/25/24

Oh, God, Dr. Ed absolutely has an elaborately colored spreadsheet on that laptop with the expected lifespan of all his patients on it, right? And there are a bunch of red cells in the coming week or so? Ed is the first vet who’s managed to really quantify exactly when every animal under his care is going to die, and he thought it would help him run his business more efficiently, but actually it’s crushing and depressing, just like the gift of prophecy always is. No fancy ball/exotic zoo theme can lift this burden from his shoulders!

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Marvin and Hi and Lois, 8/24/24

Jeff … Hi … you morons. You idiots. You absolute fools. You’re already looking ahead to the passage of time, to the day when your kids have grown up and this phase of their life and yours is over forever, either with an anticipatory sense of nostalgia (Hi) or a frankly dickish mercenary sullenness (Jeff). But it will never happen. You’re stuck there, with these kids at the age they are, forever. It’s already been decades, but you can’t see it, can’t feel it, can’t know it. But it has been, and it will be. This is it. This is now. This is always now.

Mary Worth, 8/24/24

I guess Ed is cradling his new finacée firmly but gently in his arms to reestablish intimacy after their little dispute, but it really just looks like he’s physically restraining her from rushing to the table and adding yet another color-coded folder to her collection, this one for information on local DJs sorted by price and Yelp rating.

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Friday = comment of the week day, LET’S DO THIS:

“Mary pounding at the window, desperate to hear more about this estranged cousin situation. Former best friends? Decades apart? Major upcoming life event that gives them the opportunity to reconcile? ‘THIS BETTER NOT BE A THROWAWAY COMMENT TO TEE UP ED’S POOR WORK-LIFE BALANCE’ she shouts, smashing a wet muffin in her hand as rain lashes down.” –Dan

Very funny runners up are also here for you to enjoy!

“A ‘still-hard Herky’s bar’ sounds way dirtier than anything in a so-called ‘kid’s’ comic ever should.” –Where’s Rocky?

“Good to see Lee Falk is unhappy as the rest of us when forced to think about The Phantom.” –jroggs

“I think the world post-Animalpocalypse is probably much more oxygen-rich than our own, which helps the animals have much more powerful brains and allows Mike to grow so large (since, after all, chitin is relatively strong for its weight). That might also explain why Slylock is so often standing around with that loopy grin on his face. It’s not only smugness. It’s also a teensy bit of hyperoxia.” –Chance

“Man, when you start adding people from the ‘estranged relative’ section of your guest list, your wedding is either too big or you don’t have enough friends. I’m betting on the latter in this case.” –pugfuggly

“Actually, Mike the Monster Mosquito won’t be ‘feasting on flower nectar and plant juices,’ he’ll be starving slowly to death as his hijacked body flings itself helplessly but uselessly against the skin of terrified animals under the Count’s command. Sorry, that got a bit grim. Although not as grim as ‘This pit bull we’ve never seen before is getting the wrong medication for its illness’ and ‘Gertie’s cat is trapped somewhere and/or dead.’” –Schroduck

“Gee, I’m sure glad we went through this whole plot about how terrible bullying is so we can get something that would realistically cause more bullying.” –Needless Exposition

“I wonder if the employee of Walker-Browne Industries that wrote this strip was able to write off their trip to Kansas City as ‘research,’ or at the very least their meal at the rib place they ate at.” –Westing1992

“It’s funny because they’ll turn to the backup plan for winter warmth: beaver pelts.” –nescio

“Speaking as a northlander who once lived in a small village where in the winter the power and water would often fail from the cold and we’d have to huddle around the fireplace to survive the night (this happened last in 1996 by the way), I’m gonna say Hägar and family will probably be fine. Judging by their lack of a woodshed to keep the firewood safe, these are soft southerners, probably in Denmark or someplace warm like that.” –Amelie Wikström

Dutch camera angles, characters who never look at one another when they speak and whose dialog is always mismatched … we’re only black-and-white film and long introspective silences away from the Ingmar Bergman era of Mary Worth, and you know what? It makes far more sense this way. Låt den svenska expressionismen rulla säger jag! Wilbur är mycket bättre på det här sättet!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“The usual way would be to get several manila folders, with a color-coded tab for each vendor, but if you’re making the folder from scratch — shredding wood, boiling it down to pulp, dying, rolling, cutting, and all — I can see why one would be enough until this whole ‘wedding’ excitement passes.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

Start with the cameras facing the sea. Get me a geofence so we can see all the cell phones in the area. Hack the National Geospatial Intelligence Agency so we can get raw take from the spy sats. You, seduce the head of COMOCEANSYSLANT and find out if the Integrated Undersea Surveillance System sensors picked up any unusual splashes. Me, I’m going to go beat a bit of truth out of Poseidon, king of the depths. If anyone saw something, he did. Let’s get cracking, people!” –Voshkod

That is the face of a man who knows about furries and knows his fiancée doesn’t know.” –Stronk Pony Club, on BlueSky

“Wilbur RSVPs: ‘Does it have to be a mammal?’” –Hibbleton

“Sage has been part of various French colonial projects for centuries, eventually winding up in Algeria. He’s committed many unforgivable sins, and the Haitian voodoo priestess warned him that not only would he have to live the years he cost the slaves he traded to the colony, but the sins of all those years would pile up into a karmic debt he would pay in the afterlife. No Catholic priest could forgive him, there is no home with the Muslim natives he oppressed, let alone the Jews after his collaboration as a member of the Vichy government. He lives in the cave to avoid adding more to his debts and hide from the looming spectre of death who walks the land with a parade of his many victims in tow.” –Philip

Crock, sadly, makes more sense when you realize that they’re in the Sonoran desert, home of saguaro cacti, not the Sahara. You can write the whole mess off to peyote.” –Downpuppy

“Is casual dress even permitted at all in military offices? I don’t know Army policy, but then again the Beetle Bailey people don’t either.” –Tom T.

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