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Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/14/17

Ugh, fine, we get it, we frickin’ get it, the both of you are upstanding and moral and would never even be able to get your incredibly righteous minds around the very idea of defrauding people for money. It’s baffling to you that anyone would possibly do this. Well, maybe I have someone who can explain the idea to you: BAD-ASS ART FORGER GUY!!!!

IT’S LIKE THIS, SQUARES:

AUTHENTICITY IS A BOURGEOIS AFFECTATION

IF YOU ENJOY THE WAY A PIECE OF ART LOOKS, WHY DOES IT MATTER TO YOU WHO CREATED IT?

YOU’RE FOOLING YOURSELF IF YOU THINK YOU CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE “REAL” ART AND MY MASTERFUL REPRODUCTION

I’M HURTING NOBODY AND MAKING MAD BANK, SO SUCK IT HATERS

Anyway, several of you have suggested that our scam artist is actually Rene, who we last saw as Sarah’s art teacher/a master forger in the employ of the mob, who fled his mafioso compatriots and shaved his head and got new sunglasses. It’s totally possible! Though Rene always seemed like the nervous type? Not a true stud with ice water flowing through his veins like our villain here.

Shoe, 10/14/17

Ha ha, it’s funny because the strip prompts intrusive thoughts of this late-middle-aged bird-man contorting his creaky body so he can have acrobatic sex with his yoga instructor girlfriend, who is presumably also an anthropomorphic bird, and who we’re probably meant to envision as significantly younger than him! Oh, wait, you don’t have an awful hell-brain like mine? You say the comic didn’t prompt those images, which only arose when I suggested them? Well, too bad! Enjoy your weekend!

[leaves for a minute, but then comes back, to whisper a single word]: cloaca

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Let’s jump right into this week’s COTW, y’all!

“Who’s eating arepas & bandeja paisa?/ And thinks this chica quiere bailar?/ Who’s gonna be a drug lord’s hostage?/ Everyone knows it’s Wilbur! [To the tune of The Association’s ‘Windy,’ of course.]” –Janna, on Twitter

The runners up are also hilarious!

“His rule for surviving prison seems to be: Say every last thought that comes into your head. There are no exceptions to this rule.” –Joe Blevins

“Of course, when your mom and I were young and we used to have threesomes, that was the original ‘Dagwood sandwich.’ True story! Wait, son, come back — this is your ‘birds and bees and sandwiches’ talk. Don’t you want to hear where I hid the salami? No, you can’t call Child Protective Services about this — you’re, like, 83!” –BigTed

“That looks like an outtake from a trial-run Seinfeld newspaper strip from 1996.” –the phantom king, on Twitter

“And by ‘the holidays,’ I mean Christmas. Because let’s face it, Halloween is Satanic and Thanksgiving is a colonialist charade.” –Peanut Gallery

“‘Even you have to admit, Dad, that God is quite an artist,’ Pam said, standing in front of a solid azure background decorated with lazy cross-hatching.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“You know, while people make a big deal about Mark Trail’s fist of justice, one cannot underestimate his ability to bore people to death.” –Dood

“Welp, you referred to Mark as ‘Trail.’ Get ready for a vortex of fists, Baldy.” –Kevin On Earth

“If Rick Soto wants to be a dreamy pop singer, he’s gonna need some fine tuning on that nose.” –Rusty

“Although, to be honest, ‘scheme to defraud the customer out of $100’ is probably the most common way the Blondie core reader demographic acquires apps.” –Brian M

“I’m really sorry that we don’t get to see the image of Rick Soto singing earnestly into a spoon in the middle of what looks like the observation deck at the CN tower, I guess?” –pugfuggly

“The stripes on Judge Parker (Senior)’s head are just so perfect. He looks like a tube of Aquafresh toothpaste. You just want to squeeze him until all his hair extrudes, black and white stripes, a majestic zebra mane. And then just keep squeezing him until he shuts up and goes away forever.” –Voshkod

“I can almost believe in the pairing of Fabianna and Wilbur, but I cannot accept the inattention to detail. Forthwith: a) Fabianna has ‘jiggle’ lines drawn around all the body parts that can possibly jiggle except for her breasts and b) it’s totally unrealistic for Wilbur NOT to be looking at her breasts (especially when she has thrown her head back (in ecstacy?) and he would not have to worry about her noticing he is looking at her breasts). If I can’t believe in Fabianna’s breasts, what can I believe in?” –The Mighty Captain E

“Cayla wears number 143 because that’s her place on Les’s list of priorities.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Choose wisely, Jeffy. ‘Son of Barfy’ would be a ridiculous serial killer name. You want headlines you won’t be embarrassed to paste in your scrapbook.” –Charles Nelson,Really!

“You gotta admit, that’s a lot of headflesh between Jeffy’s frontal cortex and his hands, so it’s understandable that some signals might get a little backed up.” –Vulcan With a Mullet

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Family Circus, 10/13/17

Man, I almost resent how blatantly the “Jeffy will someday experience a psychotic break in which his mind will beg his hands to stop the killing, but they won’t listen” joke is being lobbed my way here, but, whatever: this is what Jeffy’s going to say to the cops in 20 years after he strangles a bunch of people, probably.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/13/17

“I didn’t, though! I died! Of cancer! Don’t forget me, damn it! Don’t forget me or I’ll haunt the shit out of you”

Pluggers, 10/13/17

You’re a plugger if your body is already starting to mold itself to fit perfectly into the piece of furniture where you’re going to die.