“If there were actually such a thing as online ‘pizza poker,’ Dagwood would be so deeply in debt to some company in Malta that he wouldn’t even think of goofing off at work.” –BigTed
“Mary is so amazed at her tiny act of generosity that she’s not even bothering to talk to any of these people buying her muffins. She’s just smiling beatifically at nothing as she exchanges muffin sacks for cash. Is she posing for her own stained glass portrait?” –jroggs
“What exactly is your relationship with Harlan? I thought art in Italy was a father-daughter thing… I mean, I know I haven’t been around much, but isn’t getting a new father a bit extreme?” –katakana haru, on Twitter
“‘What exactly is your relationship with Harlan?‘ ‘Jeez, Dad, don’t you think the hood I’m packing is a dead giveaway? Anyway, would you pass me those handcuffs?’” –Lawyerbob
“‘Like I told Mary, it’s not physical, it’s mental and emotional… and dare I say spiritual?’ ‘Okay, this somehow seems less appropriate to tell your dad than ‘We’re fucking’” –Dan
“I have to admit that I do like the artistic decision to draw actual eyes on the snakes in Snuffy Smith while everyone else simply has dots. They honestly do have the prettiest eyes in attendance.” –Mike Podgor
“‘We’re totally just friends!’ said Dawn, as she packed a pair of sneakers, a t-shirt and a swimsuit for her 3-month stay in Italy.” –pugfuggly
“At Santa Royale-Kaplan University, we avoid those messy ‘quarters’ and ‘semesters,’ and just teach whenever it fits your schedule. Only available for study abroad during March-June? Let’s go to Italy! Our trained professors will show you the sights during the day, and engage in inappropriate behavior during the nights! Don’t forget to take your dad’s walking shoes!” –Little Blue Bicycle
“The crotchety old second-waver in me likes this strip, for I harken back to the days of watching my scantily clad celebrity sisters fawn sexily over Spuds MacKenzie and thinking, ‘Just exactly how much of this Bud Light do I have to consume before a dog starts to look like a viable sexual partner to me, anyway?’ Whatever the answer is, it is obviously more than the amount that a pre-pubescent male has to imbibe before he views a snake in the same light, and I take a modicum of grim satisfaction from the female superiority that is implied. Here in the age of #MoyToo we must take our cultural reassurances where we can.” –Hopester
“‘Finally,’ thought Mark, ‘my chance to elevate the literary status of Woods & Wildlife Magazine has come as I get the opportunity to write a tribute to Orwell, Punching An Elephant.’” –Spunky The Wonder Squid
“When will people learn not to open those cans of crescent roll dough while driving? If only Ghost Pepper could have waited until after he had dragged Dick Tracy down the road like a meat crayon to enjoy the yeasty raw treat, he might still be alive. Damn you, Poppin’ Fresh!” –Voshkod
“As Ghost Pepper is rushed to the nearest hospital for emergency surgery, the doctor comes in and exclaims ‘I can’t operate on this boy.’ ‘Why not?’ the nurse asks. ‘Because he’s my son,’ Dr. Pepper responds.” –Dread
“I had my time traveling. I went into the future and got this nifty bionic tentacle arm! Now it’s your turn.” –Peanut Gallery
“I want to know why Ghost Pepper is looking at his phone while thinking he just has to make it to the next switchback. Did he call for an Uber and it’s almost arrived?” –Dmsilev
“That turtle is taking the most satisfying dump in the history of turtles. That it is in Billy’s hands makes it sweeter.” –Kevin On Earth
“As any teen in 2018 knows, if you want to enact real change, you do it through the radio.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE
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