It’s true! Take a look:
Ed Crankshaft: democracy’s downside.
Curtis wishes he could mass-murder these helpless animals, by neglecting them.
Likkered up on palm wine, the Phantom prepares to give Chatu a savage, untraceable beat-down.
Edge City, 7/25/14
Obsessive neurotic Abby Ardin and husband Len are only ever one minor inconvenience away from tearing each other apart — beneath the merest tissue of propriety and shame, they are the Lockhorns. Let’s watch as their terror of Nature’s implacable power drives them to consume one another in acts of savagery. Hey, maybe we could pop some corn and make an evening of it!
Six Chix, 7/25/14
It’s funny because … Oh what am I even saying it’s not funny at all.
Once again, no Comments of the Week on my watch. However, Novelist Joshua Fruhlinger will be back with a big steamin’ batch of them plus lots more comics fun on Monday.
– Uncle Lumpy
Real Life: “Lillian, Ed was careless taking care of your plants and there was water damage. We brought in a crew to fix it, and added the wine cooler to thank you for being so understanding.”
Crankshaft: “Ed was an asshole, so now he and I are both going to be assholes, because comedy.”
Birds do not work like that, number eight hundred forty-three.
Skyler has a lifetime of this ahead of him; he knows it; and it shows.
Mother Goose and Grimm, 7/16/14
Most dogs sniff asses. Ralph kisses them.
Sanctimonious “No Kill” heroes like Batman, the Lone Ranger, and the Phantom talk themselves into knots trying to, y’know, KILL SOMEBODY without violating their precious “codes.” It makes you long for the moral clarity and no-nonsense efficiency of a Savarna, or an April Bowers-Parker, or … or … both of them together. Yup, long for them. Mmm …
– Uncle Lumpy
So ends the Comics Curmudgeon Spring 2014 Fundraiser! Thanks, generous readers one and all!
Oh hey it’s time for Uncle Lumpy Reads Comics that Even Josh Won’t Read, So Nobody Has To Except for Poor Sad Me, a regular feature. Spunky reporter Lara Bell recruited lowlife adventurer Rick Grubber to take her into the Deep Woods, where they were set upon by the Bandar and brought to the Phantom at his Skull Cave. Phantom gave Lara an interminable tour of his Treasure Rooms, interspersed with braggy vignettes illustrating his complete awesomeness and coy little asides to Guran about how they were going to amnesiate Rick and Lara using Powerful Bandar Medicine®.
So Lara got all “You’re so hot, let us wed!” but the Phantom was like “Nuh uh I’m all married ‘n’ stuff”, and that night Grubber tried to steal stuff but it wasn’t even the right stuff and [WHOOSH!] the bush pilot went back to Bangalla and surrendered to the Jungle Patrol, and the mysterious aeronaut reappeared in his balloon to thank the Phantom for saving his descendants.
I feel much better, somehow.
Dennis the Menace, 3/22/14
Oh, Dennis – I knew Buckaroo Banzai. Buckaroo Banzai was a friend of mine. And you, kid, are no Buckaroo Banzai.
Funky Winkerbean, 3/22/14
Oh look – wordplay. “I wasn’t making a considerate comment about my father’s condition. I was making a commonplace observation about my own reaction to it. Um, ha ha, see?”
Judge Parker, 3/22/14
Ooh, we’re in the lair of the Hat Guys, Flico and Flaco. Flico jerked on the stick and spilled his drone upon the ground, so now he and Flaco will have to make contact up close and personal at the party tonight. They’ll probably run into Randy, who will chat them up for hours waiting in vain for his bribe.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/22/14
If you won’t listen to your own daughter, Rex, your readers would like a word with you.
– Uncle Lumpy