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Comics archive! Family Circus

His only escape will be to create a “Chris Gaines”-style alternate personality

Judge Parker, 3/18/15

Guys, guys, guys, you might have thought that this Judge Parker storyline was about the sexual objectification of women, what with Neddy being urged to show off her hot bod and Godiva wearing, well, this. But! Did you know that men can be sexual objects too? Sure, all you young fellas dream of hitting it big in Nashville, but just having a catchy song isn’t enough! To be a country music superstar, you need to constantly make women believe you might be sexually available to them. And not just on TV or through your songwriting: you need to pay attention to individual superfans, an act of emotional labor that you will find far more draining that you can imagine. Flirting, smiling, suggesting: this is the dark side of country music. Enter that world at your moral peril.

Dennis the Menace, 3/18/15

Enforced heterosexuality is extremely menacing, Henry. Here’s looking forward to a mildly awkward dinner with Dennis and a husky, hairy guy named Ted someday!

Family Circus, 3/18/15

The Keane parents’ facial expression here is a thing of beauty to me. “When? When is he going to stop saying the darndest things? When?

Wearing white while making strawberry jam seems ill-advised

Apartment 3-G, 3/16/15

This week’s Apartment 3-G is slightly more firmly grounded in reality than last week’s James Bond-ian insanity. I mean, a modern young woman in New York getting into making strawberry jam in her apartment? Sure! Lots of younger people are reclaiming the labor-intensive food prep processes of their grandparents’ era as a hobby! A young woman making strawberry jam and bringing it to her roommate’s rich dad in his fancy Manhattan hotel? Uh, sure, that could happen, I guess? I seem to remember during the Martin vs. Bobbie storyline that Bobbie was weirdly convinced that Martin was into Lu Ann, I think because they were hanging around with each other socially for some reason. A young woman making strawberry jam and bringing it to her roommate’s rich dad in his fancy Manhattan hotel while wearing a pink suit jacket over a white turtleneck? Look, I … I can’t explain everything, OK?

Family Circus, 3/16/15

Man, Mommy sure seems depressed about how excited Dolly is. “Mommy, everything in these diaries up until this has been straight-up garbage! When will I meet the man who will give my life meaning?”

B.C., 3/16/15

Ha ha, that would be a derogatory thing to call a women’s restroom! Say, what are the female characters in this strip named, again?

The best part of comics

Apartment 3-G, 3/13/15

Good news, everyone! Skyler got the part in the next James Bond movie! Remember Skyler, who hired Margo as a publicist after she already appeared in the last James Bond movie, opposite Margo’s ex-boyfriend? Nobody’s ever been cast as a Bond Girl two movies in a row, I’m pretty sure, so this is good news, and would be a real coup for whoever her publicist is! (Skyler’s publicist is a woman who is currently drifting through a baffling, grumpy dreamscape version of Manhattan, where you could encounter a high-profile movie star hanging out sans entourage in an all-night diner and then wander off just seconds after you arrive for no good reason.)

Family Circus, 3/13/15

The best part of this panel is how damn smug Big Daddy Keane looks. “Gosh, Billy, this card is an easy method to pay merchants everywhere! Looks like someone isn’t connected to the modern international banking infrastructure!”

Mary Worth, 3/13/15

The best part about this strip is Sean’s look of heavy-lidded disdain in panel two. “Wait, we’re taking who to the what now? But I’m enjoying my latest issue of Mysterious Twins Digest! Ugh, I knew I shouldn’t have married a woman who needs me to drive her everywhere.”

Hi and Lois, 3/13/15

The best part about this strip is how happily bombed Hi looks in panel three. “Ha ha, I know you’re only softening me up because you have something terrible to tell me, but I don’t care! God damn, I love being drunk!”

Pluggers, 3/13/15

Pluggers may be simple, down-home country folk, but it takes an advanced multibillion-dollar pharmaceutical industry to keep them alive.