Dennis the Menace, 5/18/15
Dennis usually gets to let loose the menacing bon mots in this feature, but today it’s Henry’s turn to engage in a little light cruelty. “Look at that dumb dog! Doesn’t even know what day it is. Garfield, now there’s a cartoon animal that knows how to read a calendar, by God.”
Mary Worth, 5/18/15
Terry Bryson has decided to hang out with her dangerously obsessed ex, engaging in risky activities like unsupervised balloon rides over jagged mountain peaks and, apparently, riding on roller coasters that have no seat belts or adequate restraint bars. “TAKE ME, DEATH,” she’s basically shouting in panel two, hoping to be torn from the seat by centrifugal force and hurled across the amusement park. I think we’re finally learning that Terry’s sorely missed the adrenaline-soaked thrill ride that police work provided on a daily basis. Teaching dim trophy wives how to avoid phishing scams simply won’t cut it for her any more.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/18/15
You know what’s a cool way to improve your social standing in school? Bring your smirking high-powered lawyer to a meeting at the principal’s office. It’s a power move that other kids respect!
Six Chix, 5/18/15
Why … why is the tooth fairy in the bed of a full-grown woman
DEAR GOD IS THIS WHAT I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO
Mary Worth, 5/16/15
After a vigorous afternoon of hot air ballooning and ex-girlfriend-wooing, nothing chases the hunger away like a Smucker’s Uncrustables® Sandwich! Sadly, the questions in the Uncrustables® FAQ are mostly about how many hours after thawing that it’s still safe to eat these miracle sandwich-style food pods; there’s no guidance on just how strong you should be coming onto your ex when she tells you she wants to go slow. For instance, should you refer to her as your “future wife” to her face, or only to mutual acquaintances who you’re sure will tell her about it?
Dennis the Menace, 5/16/15
“Hmm, the art museum? Classy! I should put on a suit jacket before I go down there to talk shit about the paintings.” –a boy who just had his least menacing idea in months
Mark Trail, 5/4/15
Oh, sure, the forest is burning to the ground, but that doesn’t mean Mark and and Wally can’t take some time for a little beaver-trapping antics, which, frankly, I wish we had gotten to see over the next six to twelve strips rather than just having them elided between panels one and two here. Still, I’m definitely intrigued by Mark’s eagerness to get those beavers home to Rusty. Like, he really wants to get some beavers home to Rusty. Dude’s got humane traps in his car at all times. Did he realize that he’d encounter some beavers on his adventures today? No, but you never know when good luck’s going to strike.
Not really sure why Mark feels compelled to mention Rusty at all here, to be honest. I’m assuming he’s either going to feed the beavers to Rusty or feed Rusty to the beavers.
Dennis the Menace, 5/4/15
Wow, Dennis, thanks a lot for making me (a) immediately think to myself “Hey, Big Bird doesn’t fly,” (b) imagine Big Bird climbing up onto the roof of the Mitchells’ car and squatting there, and (c) Googling “does big bird have a cloaca”. A-plus menacing today, I mean it.
Judge Parker, 5/4/15
“So she wants to conquer space, right? Conquer space for the French? I don’t pay much attention to current events but my understanding is that’s how it works.”