Mary Worth, 2/28/15
Is this … is this the ending? The ending of this storyline? A mother and daughter shake hands while sitting amongst the boxes, having both found men to solve all their problems? A daughter makes vague promises to “help move,” probably involving browbeating the landscapers from her husband’s vast estate, and a mother makes vague promises to “help with the wedding,” which certainly doesn’t mean financial help and probably refers to picking out flowers or bridesmaids dresses or something? Also, the mother is going blind? Let’s not forget that the mother is going blind and that the flowers and bridesmaids dresses will be even more hideous than usual. Little Gordon sits on the floor, entirely lost in his electronic world. This is the delightfully transactional ending this story deserves.
Dennis the Menace, 2/28/15
Hmm, Dennis’s teacher takes him aside after class, as if to gently correct him privately, but makes sure to do it while the other children are still in earshot, so that they can snicker at his ignorance! I’d say the menace has become the menaced, except that Dennis managed to get a Sunday School lesson to linger on nudity and shame, so maybe he’s playing a much deeper game here.
Beetle Bailey, 2/28/15
Ha ha, it’s funny because nobody likes Sarge, and it’s breaking his heart!
Mary Worth, 2/24/15
Ha ha, whoops, when I said that Amy couldn’t possibly also be getting married because that would be “too obvious,” I forgot that “too obvious” is Mary Worth’s bread and butter. It’s not entirely clear if Amy really is engaged to Dave, or if she’s just letting her mother think so in order to show how ridiculous it is to rush into marriage so quickly, but one thing’s for certain: Gordon does have a new sitter, and it’s that little handheld gadget he’s blissfully staring into in panel one! Gordon’s love for the soothing television screen is well-known, and now he has one he can fit into his pocket wherever he goes! He doesn’t need Hanna anymore! He doesn’t need anybody.
This whole Spidey-fight (the proportional fight … of a spider) has pretty blissfuly ignored the laws of physics so far, but this triumphant conclusion, in which Spider-Man saves their lives by having them plummet not into concrete but into a foot of water in a concrete-lined fountain, really takes the cake. Mysterio shooting him in the chest at point-blank range would be a fitting way to end this, although it would raise the question of why he didn’t just do that to begin with.
Six Chix, 2/24/15
Hey, sexually self-actualized she-bear, I’m … not sure this is how population explosions work? Look, if you want to shun monogamy and play the field, you be you, just don’t try to come up with some transparently dumb evo-psych sociobiological justification for it.
Dennis the Menace, 2/24/15
Dennis, unable to fully grasp that other people can truly have feelings or an inner life, sees them merely as walking meat puppets whose parts are in occasional need of repair. Menacing factor: high.
Mark Trail, 2/20/15
“It made me think of my own wife! Her name is Hope, and I love her so much I never even mentioned her before now. Definitely I would never take her deep into the swamp where I keep my bog-palace! I mean, people’s wives get kidnapped all the time out here! What kind of monster are you, Mark, bringing your poor wife into this hellhole kidnapping-land?”
Dennis the Menace, 2/20/15
By refuting the basic premises behind harsh prison sentencing, Dennis menaces our modern prison-industrial complex and the culture of retribution that feeds it.
Funky Winkerbean, 2/20/15
Literally Funky Winkerbean is just spending days having representatives of Enormous Midwestern University be smirking dicks to the hapless teens of Westview High. I mean, I guess most people in this strip are smirking dicks to everyone else all the time, but somehow it jumps out more when non-recurring characters do it.
I know this is one of those things where just speaking the name summons the thing into existence, but at the moment I am very glad for the Google search results I just got:
Clearly any such stories would include a depth of emotional and sexual cruelty that would put Fifty Shades of Grey to shame.