Funky Winkerbean, 3/29/15
This isn’t the first time Funky Winkerbean has used “Nordic” as a euphemism for “clinically depressed.” “I think following that couple through those movies is a lot of fun.” “Yeah, you know what else is a lot of fun? Thinking about how everybody dies and none of us escape.”
Panel from Slylock Fox, 3/29/15
“Slylock helped the bird cough it up.” Haha, how much of Slylock’s job consists of him rooting around the gullets of semi-sapient animals who’ve accidentally eaten some valuable object or piece of evidence? “I’ll just, uh, be over here holding this nice lady’s purse,” says Max.
Rex Morgan, M.D. 3/29/15
Oh hey I haven’t talked about it at all but there’s been this whole other non-Sarah non-mob storyline about Nurse Becka who got a black eye from maybe falling into a dresser in the middle of an argument with her cheating husband and then abruptly quit her job and left town, so now we’ve got her replacement … Nurse Carter! Nurse Carter is here to clean up this operation. Literally. This operation is covered with mayonnaise. It’s pretty disgusting.
Panels from Dennis the Menace, 3/29/15
“In my day, during the long, anarchic regency for the child Emperor Of All Space Glorbax IX, we didn’t need a video game to raid the galaxy! We just went down to the Star Docks, found the most disreputable ship’s captain we could spot, swore a blood oath to defend his ship’s honor, and then launched into the lightly guarded Outer Rim systems! The Galactic Peacekeepers were thin on the ground out there, so we could bomb whole cities into submission, load up our cargo bay with the valuables we salvaged from the smoking ruins, and then headed to the Market Zone, where nobody asked any questions. Sometimes we’d even ensl — er, wait, no, I mean, uh, we played some dumb kangaroo game, here on Earth, where I’ve lived my whole life, yeah, that’s it.”
This is, of course, major front-page news in the Shoeniverse: a ghastly charnel house, a monstrous corporation that makes its profits from turning sapient birds into food for other birds, has been brought down from within. One can only imagine the horrific final days there. How were birds chosen for slaughter? Might you find yourself an executive in the corporation one day, only to be murdered, butchered, and devoured the next, because of some imagined slight against the company’s tyrannical leader? The final cathartic overthrow of the tyrant must have been violent and bloody, as his fanatical supporters were all too aware that they too would be destined for the fryer in a final orgy of cathartic and retributive violence. The Pefesser stares dully at the monitor as he types, doing his best to use his rational, analytic mind to describe the horrors he’s seen without breaking down and sobbing.
Dennis the Menace, 3/25/15
The biggest wave of menace in today’s Dennis the Menace comes from the bedroom eyes Henry is flashing in the second panel. “Welp, just got more confirmation that adulthood’s crushing ennui is more than the innocent mind of a child can handle. Wanna fool around for seven to twelve minutes before I fall asleep, out of soul-deep exhaustion?”
Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/25/15
“Get it? Because your car used to … carry dead people around in it? Girls love a guy with a sense of humor, right?”
Six Chix, 3/22/15
I kind of like how sad this lady looks. “Sure, cool wordplay, talking animals that only I can hear, but the truth is that agoraphobia is a serious and debilitating medical condition that has significant and negative impacts on my life.”
Dennis the Menace, 3/22/15
Look, Joey, your mother’s dead, so stop pretending, OK? It’s not menacing, just the tough love you need to get you to acknowledge the facts and get on the road to true healing.
Judge Parker, 3/22/15
“I’ll bet Godiva ‘gets her horse’ now, if you know what I mean! That’s a sex thing, right? A sex thing rich people do? God, I hate working for you one-percent monsters so much, and yet you all have me in a constant state of arousal!”
Loon has been a beloved character in this strip since it began in 1977, right up until today, when he was abruptly and violently eaten by a shark. We can still see the lower half of his mangled body in the final panel, though that too will presumably soon vanish to the shark’s gullet.