Better Half, 5/1/13
Let’s check in with Stanley and Harriet, everybody’s favorite sad, disoriented comics couple! Today we learn the shocking truth: Are Stanley and Harriet sad and disoriented because they’re blotto on prescription meds, all the time? All the pill bottles stacked up on the kitchen counter imply that the answer is yes! Stanley peers through the pharmaceutical haze and remembers that there was a simpler, better time in his life when he didn’t feel this way, though his drug-addled brain can’t express this thought in any coherent way.
Biz, on the other hand, has chosen not to turn his golden years into a dim, druggy twilight. Though he suffers the aches and pains of old age, his mind and vision are clear, and he intends to confront death in his own way. (That way involves screaming in terror.)
Is there significance to the fact that “Dr. Bobo” looks exactly like Ziggy? Or, for that matter, that the “real” doctor looks more or less like Ziggy as well? Is this all happening inside Ziggy’s sad, spherical noggin?
Dennis the Menace, 5/1/13
Sorry, Dennis, that’s not anywhere near cute enough to merit a post on Mom’s blog, and those Google AdSense payments are all that are standing between you and community college, so we’re going to stay here until you say something blogworthy if it takes all day, do you understand?
Better Half, 3/27/13
Seeing “FOOD COURT” in big letters like this gave me a brainstorm for a hit new reality show, Food Court, in which an ersatz jurist in a black robe would preside over faux trials in which, say, snacks that claim to be “healthy” would be cross-examined by medical experts who would prove that their sodium levels were off the charts and nutritive value was essentially nil. But then I saw the guy in the background in the vaguely Renaissance outfit, and I imagined Food Court, a historical comedy-drama in which a 15th century Italian prince rules over a Italian statelet and spends his time mediating the sometimes violent battles between rival restauranteurs. These ruminations were fairly inane, admittedly, but surely no worse than whatever Stanley is babbling about. Harriet is right to ignore him and look at whatever fun thing is on her phone instead.
Apartment 3-G, 3/27/13
Haha, I love how quickly Margo has gone from caffeinated semi-enthusiasm to heavy-lidded ennui. “So, this is about money? You want me to write you a check? If I get my checkbook out, that will shut you up about whatever do-gooder nonsense you’re on about, and I get to eat breakfast in peace?”
Judge Parker, 3/27/13
“We’ll both have the salmon with a caesar salad, Rudy … I’m buying, which means I get to make all the decisions! I’ll thank you not to address Mr. Driver by name or look directly at him for the duration of this meal. All lunch-related queries go through me, the paymaster.”
Wait, but wouldn’t Archie’s dad have noticed the hamsters squeaking and moving around if they were alivAAAUUGH DON’T THINK ABOUT IT DON’T THINK ABOUT IT
Better Half, 3/25/13
Hello, and welcome to this journey I’m on, which is called “Josh learns that the Better Half is so, so much more harrowing than the Lockhorns will ever be.” Remember: Leroy doesn’t mind when Loretta criticizes him because he’s a loveless shell of a man who can’t feel emotions anymore. Stanley doesn’t mind when Harriet criticizes him because he desperately craves her attention, and he may not know how to fix the sad dysfunction that his marriage has become, but he at least knows that if he screws up Harriet will acknowledge his existence, and maybe even make eye contact with him and oh my God I’m crying right now pretty much.
Mark Trail, 3/25/13
There was a minute where I thought this was one of those things where the antagonist and protagonist have a stand-off and they both know a secret and they each know the other knows, but everyone pretends not to know, to heighten dramatic tension. Then I remembered that Mark and Rod Bassy were both extremely dumb and also Mark Trail doesn’t really do dramatic tension, so I guess Rod thinks he’s being pretty slick here. Remember, Rod thinks that blurting out “Are you saying that I’m doing something illegal” with no provocation is “slick,” so it makes sense that his instinct is to totally downplay a child being missing for … hours? days? Who even knows at this point. You know, kids today, so lazy that they just wander off away from their families, just going somewhere to be lazy and also have no way of acquiring food and shelter, amiright?
Herb and Jamaal, 3/25/13
By the way, Kopi Luwak is so expensive and famous because it’s been pooped out by civets. So I guess kudos to Herb and Jamaal for not going for the poop joke, though also I guess this joke isn’t very funny, so, I dunno, maybe we should’ve tried out a poop joke and seen how it went.
“I mean, how could a lawyer help defeat a villain with no superpowers who runs a large criminal organization? It makes no sense!”
Haha, that Crankshaft, he sure literally sucks the joy out of the life of everyone he knows!
Flea track and field.
Better Half, 2/19/13
Hey, Stanley — send that app on over to the folks at 9 Chickweed Lane, wouldya? Save ’em some typing.
9 Chickweed Lane, 2/19/13
Thanks, Stan. I’m sure they appreciate it — just look at those big smiles!
Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/19/13
Oh, poo. Looks like Our Honey isn’t challenging any normative gender constructs after all; she’s once, twice, three times a — well, I guess lady isn’t quite right either. Anyway, she made quite an impression on Rex there: look at him covering the smoking socket of the eye that was exposed to her naked ladyparts, or maybe he’s trying to pluck it out per Matthew 18:9? Either way, if that image could be pasted over the first panel of every comic ever, this blog wouldn’t need to do much else:
Funky Winkerbean, Mary Worth, Judge Parker, Crankshaft, 2/19/13 (panels, modified)
UPDATE — Hey, check out Faithful Reader Druj Nasu’s Automatic Rexifier, which Rexifies many, many more strips, and Faithful Reader Nehemiah Scudder’s Rex Agony Blank, which lets you play along at home. Thank you, Faithful Readers!
– Uncle Lumpy
Mary Worth, 2/12/13
YES! Mary and John have overcome almost no adversity whatsoever to TRIUMPH in their cake battle against other cake bakers! And they did so by working as a team, by joining together as one, by functioning almost as a single organism, by … oh my God .. panel one … MARY’S ARM IS JOINING INTO JOHN’S ARM OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THEY ARE MELDING INTO A SINGLE BEING. That look Mary’s giving him in panel two, it’s like, “Yes, John, soon I will be you.”
Gil Thorp, 2/12/13
Say, what’s going in Gil Thorp? Oh, you know, Scott is having a great season because of his magical peacock but he doesn’t want to share it with the other guys because it might be the reincarnation of his dead little brother blah blah blah BORING. More interesting to me is today’s revelation that the Mudlarks are beginning to transition to full-body fishnet-stocking uniforms.
Better Half, 2/12/13
Stanley may be too lazy to woo other women, but he can still fuck his food, I guess. It’s just lying right there on the plate in front of him!
Yep, this seems like an appropriate reaction to an offer of help from Newspaper Spider-Man!
Better Half, 2/6/13
For years, I’ve enjoyed the Lockhorns as the most harrowing cautionary tale about marriage available on the comics page, but since I started reading the Better Half earlier this year, I think we have a new title holder. Because, after all, relations between Leroy and Loretta are marked by unrelenting hatred, and we all know that hatred isn’t the opposite of love — it demands too much focus and passion for that. No, the opposite of love is the numb, unfeeling indifference that Harriet and Stanley have for one another! See, they were going to leave each other for other, more attractive people, but then they couldn’t be bothered, because there were good shows on TV.
Mary Worth, 2/6/13
So, you get disqualified if you drop your cake during transfer, but if you drop your cake during transfer because you leapt into the crowd and strangled a heckler to death in a terrifying rage-fugue, I’m pretty sure you get some kind of honorable mention.