The Comics Curmudgeon

Metapost: Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good … next 10 days or so!

Kids, tomorrow we depart for our multicity, multifamily Christmastime sprint. Since trying to do a post every day from the road will pretty much kill my holiday cheer, the site will be on hiatus until the new year. However, as a holiday send-off, I present, a bit early, the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Brooke McEldowney is obviously a big leg man, so I guess he doesn’t have much time for jaws.” –Artist Formerly Known as Ben

And the runners up! Despite the abbreviated week, there’s an awful lot of them that struck me as funny…

“Boy, that Deanna’s some quick thinker, huh? ‘How will Santa get in without a chimney?’ ‘Uh — magic!’ ‘What kind of magic?’ ‘It’s a secret!’ She could at least have come up with something involving Ned Tanner and the toilet.” –rich

“Why do Mary Worth storylines start with so much promise but end with this boring talking business? It’s like if the sexy plumber came in to the hot lonely housewife’s place spouting cheesy double-entendres, and then they spent the next hour discussing plumbing rates.” –Citric

“I think Lu Ann’s stunning attractiveness (to the paper people in the little boxes) is based entirely on her being a blonde. Just like Margo is a bitch because she has dark hair and wears it up and Tommie is a deeply-closeted lesbian because she’s a redhead with a boyish bob.” –Jonathan Bogart

“I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this horny docent guy comes back, and that his name turns out to begin with the letter ‘D.’ I just want to refer to him as ‘Dave the Doughy Docent’ so bad.” –Trilobite

“Given all the aggravation Gary Dent is going through, you’d think that Ella was manufacturing light trucks in her apartment. Dent’s hissy fit stretches the credulity of the idea that he could impress a minimum of two women — his wife and a mistress — to the breaking point.” –King Folderol

“But I shouldn’t mock. It’s these literary devices — inexplicable pronoun use; deus ex punching in the mouth; fundamental struggles like Bear vs. Man, Bear vs. Nature, Bear vs. Its Own Kind, and Bear vs. Hostility; tight POV on Lucky the Beaver — that separate Mark Trail from the other nature-based comics featuring a character called Ranger Rick on the market today.” –Laura

“Even before I read Josh’s comments re A3G, I wondered why everyone thinks Lu Ann is so dang attractive. She’s clearly special needs, what with her wide-eyed innocence and constant need to vocalize her inability to find her way around large buildings. Those tricks would never work for me, but then I’m a brunette.” –velouria73

“I’m kinda hoping Becky winds up having her baby on the floor of the comic book store. It’s probably the only time a guy with a ‘Frodo Lives’ T-shirt is going to be in the same room as a woman who isn’t wearing pants.” –SmartPeopleOnIce

“What’s with the emphasis on ‘see’ in Rex Morgan panel 3? ‘I see where this is going?’ What are you trying to clarify, that you don’t smell where this is going?” –Sam L.

“You walk into the room/ with your fishbowl in your hand/ the doctor points to you and he says, what’s that man/ you try so hard/but you can’t understand/ just what you will say to your fish bones/ because six things are different here/ but you don’t know what that is/ do you mister Jones?” –dramashoes

“Beetle clearly suffers from some pretty serious narcolepsy. It’s a good thing he lives in Beetle Bailey, where nobody will ever laugh at him even by accident.” –Rhekarid

“I like to imagine that the books in Deanna’s hands are examples she’s culled for him. ‘Look, this is a real novel! It has a plot! And very few adverbs! Nobody exclaims anything! And you went back in and saved that piece of crap while I had to deal with two hysterical children. God I wish they weren’t yours!’” –MaryAnnTheRest

“To all those who feel a little guilt about enjoying Michael Patterfoob’s demise — yeah, I agree, I felt a little weird getting up every day to read the paper and root for ‘fire.’” –mumbles

“Oh, yeah, Crock’s the real thing, where ‘real’ is a euphemism for ‘sad, actually, and kinda off-putting.’” –Michael

“Once again, we see that human emotion is completely alien to Margo. It’s not a scream of terror, it’s not begging for mercy, so she has no idea what that disgusting sound is.” –Trent

“I wonder how this Mark Trail storyline will finally conclude. My god … is it possible to type that without dying a little inside?” –Joe

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2006 has been a pretty amazing year for this blog. I’m getting more than twice as many daily visitors today than I was in January, and if you go back to the archives for that month, you’ll see that it was a rarity for a post to get more than 75 comments or so; the last post I put up has gotten more than 100 comments in just a few hours! I’m glad you all enjoy the site and the community that’s grown up around it, and I’m looking forward to having fun with all of you in 2007!

Beaver Fever in jeopardy!

Mark Trail, 12/22/06

Damn you, O cruel gods of Mark Trail! Can’t you let our beaver friends maintain their newlywed bliss at least through Christmas? Must our orange-teethed rodents be face uncomprehendingly with hostility on the day the Prince of Peace was born to redeem the original sins of irate property owners and furry tree-gnawing beasts alike? Is there no justice in this world?

Is Lucky and/or Mrs. Lucky holding a rock in his/her adorable little paws in panel one? Because I’m, um, pretty sure that never actually happens.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/22/06

OK, I’m going to pass lightly over the fact that the “parent can’t put together kid’s toy” joke is passed beyond “classic” and “dated” status and gone right on to “musty,” and the fact that little Loopie’s “space ship” looks like a roller skate wearing the Tin Man’s scalp as a hat. What mostly amazes me here is that this TDIET was published on December 22, and yet the ground-based UFO in question is portrayed as a birthday present, rather than the more obvious Christmas gift. Did we need the urgency of the party being tomorrow to really bring home the stress of dad’s “living on the edge” lifestyle, but there’s already something lined up for the 12/24 panel? Or is TDIET in the vanguard in the liberal media’s implacable War On Christmas?

Mother Goose and Grimm, 12/22/06

The first use of “playing the cello” to describe this position that I’ve encountered was in Diane DiMassa’s Hothead Paisan: Homicidal lesbian terrorist comic series from the early ’90s. Sadly, since Mother Goose and Grimm appears in family-friendly publications, this strip had to be censored, since the phrase clearly refers to a cat licking its ass. If a child saw a feline applying a tongue to that part of its body in a cartoon, that child would obviously go blind and insane, so it’s a good thing that this bowdlerized version was used instead.

One Big Happy, 12/22/06

Part of Ruthie’s charm is that she straddles the line between “imaginative” and “delusional,” but the phrase “I know the smoke detector is really one of your hidden cameras” is clearly the product of the mind of a budding paranoid schizophrenic. This kid will be in a straight jacket in a rubber room by the age of 13. Presumably she’ll have a heart-warming malapropism ready for the situation.

The Phantom, 12/22/06

In case you’re wondering, Undersecretary Denton’s extrajudicial beatdown has now entered its eighth day. It’s been pretty rough going, though I suppose more so for Denton than for me; today President Luaga manages to get three POK!s out of a single left hook somehow. Anyway, this comic amuses me mostly because of panel three, in which Denton’s administrative assistant gets to live out every white-collar underling’s dream by punching her boss in the face.

Apartment 3-G, 12/22/06

Drunk, jilted Margo + lonely, emotionally needy Gina = SEXIEST CHRISTMAS EVER.

Suicide solution

Mary Worth, 12/21/06

So a mustachioed malcontent has a beef with Charterstone’s power clique. After a confrontation in which he is humiliated by them, he stalks off, despite one of their number’s feeble attempt to end things on a good note. I think we all know where this is going: The liquor store. The road. The cliff. The end.

This is what Aldomania hath wrought, everybody: every Mary Worth plot from here on in is going to end with the meddling condo creeps driving some new character to a self-inflicted death. There’ll be an awkward funeral visit, some murmured platitudes, and then on to the next victim. They aren’t just murderers; they’re serial killers. I sure hope you’re happy.

Apartment 3-G, 12/21/06

You should not, however, harbor similar worries about our girl Magee as she prepares to rock Christmas the way only an angry, drunken, jilted young woman can. Margo is no danger of harming herself. Margo will only harm others. Many, many others.

Mark Trail, 12/21/06

As an antidote to the above, I offer you the continuing love story of Lucky the Beaver and his mate. I’m not a biologist, but I’m pretty sure that beavers do not actually put their paws tenderly on one another’s shoulder; still, I can’t deny how heartwarmingly adorable it all is. In the larger scheme of things, though, this whole thing is starting to freak me out. I’m a relative Mark Trail newbie, having only read it for the last four years or so; can any longtime Trailheads tell me if the strip has ever dropped its boring, stilted humans before to focus on the improbable anthropomorphized antics of adorable forest creatures? My guess about the current scenario: the word came down from King Features that a heart-warming Christmas episode was required, and Jack Elrod realized that, since nobody has any emotional involvement in any of the oddly shaped human characters, someone appealing was required, stat.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/21/06

Awwww, look at how sad June is in panel three. She just wanted her garage painted, Rex; is that so much to ask? Shouldn’t the lengths she’ll go to achieve that end trouble you at least a little?

Crock, 12/21/06

I’m pretty sure this comic strip is about masturbation. Me is the gift I can give myself all year long!

Mission not accomplished

Beetle Bailey, 12/20/06

And Beetle Bailey’s queasy, uncomfortable treatment of sexuality continues apace. (See here, here, and here for more of it, if you dare.) There’s an increasingly disturbing undercurrent of sexual mismatch in the strip, as various desperate plays for intimacy are parried by hostility, apathy, or restrictive military regulations against sexual harassment and/or gayness. Since they’re denied by their cruel overlords the Walkers either the right to get it on with one another or to experience the catharsis of combat, it’s no wonder the denizens of Camp Swampy are such emotional wrecks.

Apartment 3-G, 12/20/06

Worry not, friends: we are only privy to these uncharacteristically humble meanderings through the cartoon magic of thought balloons; no other A3G character will ever learn of them, since Margo shuns human intimacy and all other forms of weakness. I’m just charmed to find out that she refers to herself by her last name in her negative self-talk.

Gil Thorp, 12/20/06

With Stormy Hicks and Stumpy Ritter bundled safely off to the Naval Academy Prep School and the Paralympics, respectively, it’s time for a new storyline in Gil Thorp. This of course inevitably involves confusion and chaos, since it can take days or weeks before anyone can tell what the hell is going on. At first I thought that our Syracuse-branded sweatshirt fan was ex-hobo Ted Pearse, but it’s actually the noted “Lisa Wyche.” Perhaps we’ll get an intriguing plot involving same-sex loving on the girl’s basketball team, or at least parental disapproval of tomboyishness. No matter what, though, I need to see as much of Lisa’s terrifying space alien mother as humanly possible.

Luann, 12/20/06

Allow me to translate, Puddles: you aren’t getting jack for Christmas. It’s a good thing you have some biped friends, or else you’d be in a burlap sack at the bottom of a river. Capisce? Now leave Santa the hell alone.

Burn baby burn

For Better Or For Worse, 12/19/06

Betting on what this smoke portends shall now commence! Here are your odds:

• The apartment building is on fire: 2 to 1.
• The fire was started by one of Mr. Kelpforth’s aromatic cigars: 4 to 3.
• Mike’s horrible novel only exists in that paper manuscript and on that laptop: 3 to 2.
• Mike must choose between saving his horrible novel and one of his horrible children: 3 to 1.
• Mike realizes that he has two kids but only one novel: 5 to 1.
• Mike must carry a sleeping child to safety: 2 to 1.
• Mike must carry a sleeping Deanna to safety: 3 to 1.
• Mike must carry a sleeping Lovey to safety: 4 to 1.
• Mike must carry a sleeping Kelpforth or two to safety: 10 to 1.
• Even after burning down the house and being saved by Mike, the Kelpforths are still insufferable: 4 to 1.
• Lovey plotzes: 3 to 1.
• Deanna’s awful mother attempts to force them to move in with her: 5 to 1.
• Mike and Deanna actually end up back at chez Patterson while their digs are being reconstructed/they search for a new home/indefinitely: 3 to 1.
• Friction among the siblings occurs, but the true meaning of Christmas is learned by all: Even.
• Liz sees Mike and Deanna’s strained, child-ruined, sexless marriage and realizes that Anthony is The One: 7 to 6.
• Mike’s manuscript is thought to be lost, but is eventually recovered miraculously on Christmas day: 3 to 1.
• Mike’s slightly charred manuscript is snapped up by Canada’s biggest publisher and becomes an instant best-seller and critical darling: 2 to 1.
• Mike and Deanna continue to live with his parents anyway: 5 to 1.
• The house isn’t on fire at all; the smoke is from the massive bong hits Deanna needs to keep from murdering her husband and children: 100 to 1 (but it would be awesome.)

Slylock Fox, 12/19/06

Wow, Slylock Fox’s “six differences” is exceptionally grim this week. I wonder if earlier versions featured a cat instead of a fish, or perhaps a baby, and had to be ratcheted back a little bit so as to not traumatize all the youngsters who read this feature. Still, Mr. Jones’ look of total devastation belies the notion that this is just some cartoon fish that we don’t have to care about: it was clearly his only friend, which may explain why he’s been in denial about its deaths for the weeks it would take to skeletonize.

My favorite difference between the two panels is the rabbit’s facial expression in the background: at left, it just stares forward with numb incomprehension, while at right it gives a sidelong glance to the viewer, establishing a rapport in which both cartoon bunny and comic reader share a moment of awful comprehension of their own mortality.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/19/06

Now I know why June keeps up this loveless sham of a marriage with Rex: he’s such a colossal prick that she actually seems to be capable of a shred of empathy by comparison.

Mark Trail, 12/19/06

Yes, the beavers are excited about being with each other. I could not make this stuff up if I tried.

Metapost: Two (and a half) totally awesome things

Those of you who read the comments no doubt know of Uncle Lumpy, our very own poet laureate. Tonight he posted the following, which he’s no doubt been cooking up for weeks — or maybe he just whipped it off in a few minutes? Either way, it’s great. As faithful reader Juniper remarked, “Most people don’t make ‘Night Before Christmas’ parodies scan. It makes all the difference in the world.”

On the night before Christmas a desperate Santa
Was pacing his workshop and swilling Mylanta® -
His elves had been shipped to Bangalla as slaves,
And the reindeer hung gutted in Jake and Snake’s cave.

Mrs. Claus had been mixing Welbutrin® with booze,
And gone shopping with Cathy for undersized shoes.
“It’s pathetic”, cried Santa, with quivering lip
“Like I’m stuck in some damn Funky Winkerbean strip.”

Alone and disconsolate, Santa despaired,
“Is there no way this Christmas can ever be spared?”
He sobbed in the darkness, then heard a faint “pifffft”
As the newspaper landed outside in a drift.

“What the hell” muttered Santa, “These problems are chronic -
“I may as well cheer myself up with the comics.”
But before he could read Mallard Fillmore and rage
All the comic-strip characters jumped off the page!

“Let us help!” cried Dick Tracy, and Raju agreed:
“We are here for you, Santa, in your hour of need!”
Archie, Sam Driver, Loweezy and Zero,
Dagwood, Greg Wilkins, and Devil and Hero,

Margo, Luann, Sally Forth, Andy Fox,
In her nightie, Ms. Abigail Spencer (she rocks)!
Popeye and Spider-Man! Rex and his Troy!
Uncle Sid, Hagar, that Round-Headed Boy!

The crew from B.C. (who are batshit insane),
And the limber agnathics of 9 Chickweed Lane
In a flash were all running conveyors and lifts
Manufacturing manifold comical gifts.

There were horsies and dollies and video games -
Enough for his Good List with millions of names.
Then they wrapped them securely in bright green and red
And heaped them up high on the back of his sled.

“Many thanks for your help – now I’ll be on my way
“With these comic-strip animals pulling the sleigh!
“On Sherman, on Garfield, on Ginormous Frog -
“On Marmaduke (my, isn’t he a big dog)!

“On Slylock, on Lucky and Bucky and Ruff
“Pull it out to the skyway and show me your stuff!”
And ahead of them all, with her fur nicely curled
Danced Magnificent Molly, Best Bear in the World!

“All those comic-strip heroes have sure saved the day -
“But that’s a debt Santa knows how to repay!
“So before we treat tots from New York to Amman,
“Let’s head down to Houston and stop at the Chron.”

“I’ve got cocaine for Margo – LuAnn gets a Clue,
“And for boat-wrestlin’ Bobby, a brand-new canoe!
“And to give good ol’ Tommie some special delights,
Something nice from Hitachi to warm up her nights!”

“Marty Moon gets a liter of Thunderbird® wine
“To the crocs I cast zebras like Pearls before Swine.
“Spaghetti, tomato sauce, basil and thyme
“For that recipe Pluggers will Do Every Time!”

“Some alcohol lamps and a nice Pyrex® beaker
“For Eightball and Elvis and Tommy the Tweaker –
“A ball-gag and shackles for Granthony’s lair,
“And prosthetic cojones for Patterson père.”

“And lest we forget, here’s a holiday salvo
“Of Christmas rememb’rance for Patron Saint Aldo -
“You turned the whole Curmudgeon world on its head
“And we cannot believe that you want to be dead.”

(We will never forgive Mary’s Meddlin’ Cartel
For the way they bid Aldo a callous farewell.
So to Wilbur and Toeby and Mary and Ian -
Here’s hoping those casseroles make you turn greein!)

“A six-pack of Pabst® and a bucket of popcorn
“For Hagar, Ed Crankshaft and sad Leroy Lockhorn.”
(Along with Walt Wallet, not one is a baby,
They are nearing the end: do you think that they may be

Rewarded in Heaven for excellent jobs,
With Pogo, The Far Side, and Calvin and Hobbes –
Or consigned to the nethermost Circle of Hell,
Down with Billy, Jeff, Dolly, Bil, P.J. and Thel?)

“And for all of the Curmudgeon posters I’ve got
“A whole sackful of gifts that I hope hit the spot -
“For Harold, Red Greenback, and Old Fogeyette
“Some bottles of Johnny’s best – cold, strong and wet!”

“For Dingo, a Fleshlight® (it’s not safe for work!)
“And some catnip to drive yellojkt berserk!
“Dramashoes, Jennifer, this Bud®’s for you,
“But please leave one for MonkeyHawk when you are through.”

“SmartPeopleOnIce, hogenmogen, ohyes
“All get FQM T-shirts (So thanks, Cafépress!).
“For AppleGirl, apples (they’re fit for a Queen!),
“Here’s a fresh crop of moles for Gadge Cubic to preen!”

“For Islamorada Girl, down on the Shore,
“Have some tofu croquettes — for cheech wizard, some more!
“And because Santa knows just what gift is the best, he’s
“Brought depilatory for H. Paratestes!”

“For Poteet, this community’s constant companion,
“An autographed portrait of Stevie B. Canyon!
“Von Zeppelin, MossMoses, Mr. O’Malley
“There are casseroles waiting for you in the galley!”

“For Citizen, meth! – but do not be Concerned,
“It’s a gift you and Mr. Delgado have earned!
“And there’s something else hiding ‘way down in my sack -
“It’s Paxil® for Angry Black Woman (come back!).”

“I have brought miscellaneous gift cards and toasters
“For shy long-time lurkers and brave first-time posters.
“And scraping the bottom (because he’s been grumpy),
“A big lump of anthracite – here, Uncle Lumpy!”

“And for everyone else in the Curmudgeon clan
(including those posters whose screen names won’t scan)
“Christmas wishes from Santa, who won’t be outdone
“In his praise for your fine metanarrative fun!”

“But I’ve got to move on, ‘cause I simply can’t rest
“‘Til I’ve given a present to Baltimore’s best!”
And in less than a twinkle that old sleigh was flyin’
Over harbor, aquarium, Domino® sign.

Molly and team took a sweeping dihedral
Straight to the dome of the Comics Cathedral
Down the flue to the heart of the Fruhlinger home
With its throne to embarrass the Bishop of Rome.

The jewels! The murals! The miter and crozier!
The Shoes of the Fisherman! Pails of ambrosia!
Foie gras-laden groaning board! Hogsheads of mead!
What gift could this pontiff conceivably need?

As Amber and Josh slumbered sweetly nearby,
Santa set down his present and said with a sigh,
“It’s just what he wants, but demands explanation:
“Just why does this guy need another vacation?”

“But here’s to the man whose pronouncements deliver
“A wellspring of snark, and the source of a river
“Of joy for his readers, who have every reason
“To hit Josh’s tip jar this holiday season!”

And here’s to the rest of us! We never quit
To castigate comics with withering wit
And post through the night in a state of high dudgeon,
Merry Christmas to all at The Comics Curmudgeon!

Uncle Lumpy, a big THANKS! for your work and regard! (And for pimping the tip jar.)

Also! Do you find yourself seething with rage over the Liz-Anthony storyline, but unable to exactly put into words why it so enrages you? Well, this longish but eloquent and well thought out essay by Webcomic artist Shaenon K. Garrity should provide you with a number of excellent talking points.

Also also! The aforementioned super awesome Dancing Dent was put together by faithful reader Jeff Herbert. (I should probably warn those of you at work and/or reading this late at night in a quiet house while others are asleep that this plays music when you open it.) Thanks Jeff! This is the half an awesome thing, not because it’s only half awesome, but because I already mentioned it earlier. Hell, I’ll throw in Jeff’s Finger-Quotin’ Margo Comic Generator and call it all awesome.