Archive for August, 2007

What could be more obvious, more crank-turningly predictable than pre-Labor Day back-to-school themes? Nothing, that’s what! So let’s get started!

Dennis the Menace, 08/31/07

Here’s an archetypical back-to-school strip: cozy old theme, a little wordplay, easy on the menace, bang, out of the studio and beat the bridge traffic to the shore. Oh, and Alice Mitchell looks hot in that old-school put-together way. Knows it, too. Mmmm. But I digress.

Curtis, 08/31/07

Nobody turns the crank like Ray Billingsley — it’s like he’s the one working a desk at the DMV. Michelle spurned Curtis? Check! Here comes “Mom won’t buy what I want” as night follows day. Cue Magical Gunk! Barry, wet up that bed! On in five, “Onion”! Greg, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em! How Billingsley must pray for Kwanzaa, when the mushrooms ripen at last and his mind can soar free.

Crankshaft, 08/31/07

Tom Batiuk once had no peer at whimsy — the hall-monitor machine gun, soliloquies atop the gym rope, band gales. All swept from the cancerscape of FW of course, and alive in Crankshaft only as this ham-handed pretext ginned up to showcase Ed’s relentless petty spite.

Sally Forth, 08/31/05 and 08/28/07

Hey, look — Hilary’s going into the sixth grade. Stretchin’ right out, too — King Features might want to rethink that “precocious 10-year-old” business. And I’m pretty sure that’s her Dad’s manic glint in the second strip. Poor Sally.

– Uncle Lumpy

Spend half your life in school and the end of August brims with dread. Here comes!

Mark Trail, 8/31/07

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It begins with smiles — smiles and good, hot coffee savored with the one you love, in a special place in the sun it feels like God created just for you. But it ends in fists — fists, and hair.

So, Elrod — pick up the pace a little, willya?

Apartment 3G, 8/31/07

Oh, this will end in tears. Not only does Tommie have a chance at happiness — she has two, in the persons of Gary Bland and Dr. Joe Doctor. Apparently, this ages her from a toddler in panel 1 through panel 2’s young adult, to the garish, pitted, furrowed crone of #3. Tomorrow’s strip may have her crumbling to dust, muttering somebody’s name — but whose? Meanwhile, Margo’s fixin’ to hate on her, no matter how it turns out.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/31/07

It’s a measure of how far we’ve come in Funky Winkerbean that the arrival of Les’s bête bleu (extruded into the narrative as “my imagination’s wicked way of personifying depression”) is the most interesting thing to happen in months, birthchild reunion and Congressional testimony notwithstanding. With any luck, we’ll enjoy weeks of manufactured irony: “It’s Lisa who’s dying, but Les who is sick!”

Pearls Before Swine, 8/31/07

Theme or no theme, there’s some stuff you just can’t pass by. You gotta love panel 2’s Socialist Realist fanart of Jeffy, and the Dolly pennant. Dare we dream of a day when all the comics exist solely to mock other comics, and our work here is done? Because that would be a day, my droogies; that would be a day.

– Uncle Lumpy

Hey, everybody! I’m leaving on a week-long vacation right about … now. But fear not! As I did in January, I’m leaving you in the capable hands of faithful reader and Comics Curmudgeon pinch hitter Uncle Lumpy. He promises to have all sorts of crazy stuff in store for you, so brace yourself! But because I am a selfish bastard, I hold fast for myself the right to put up the comment of the week, which I’m doing right about … now:

“June’s so tough, she doesn’t even have to put the mouthpiece by her mouth; the phone will listen anyway because it had better.” –commodorejohn

And also the runners-up!

“Tommie has apparently forgotten rule #1 of walking around in New York: pants.” –Inspector Dim

“I’m thrilled, however, that Drew still thinks of Vera as a ‘challenge’. Drew’s probably the kind of guy who finds challenges in opening jars of mayonnaise, or deciding what opaque pink wine to pair with his steak. Because the only ‘challenge’ that Vera has really thrown at him so far is delaying a dinner date and not immediately elaborating on how much sex she has with her brother.” –Andrea D & The Grandstanding Oddballs

“Even Rex Morgan talked June into being his beard wife. Even Mark Trail agreed (albeit with a blindfold and a dart board) to find a mate after the perfunctory courtship ritual of dancing in a specific pattern before punching someone’s bearded face.” –True Fable

“Mary certainly looks lovely with that demonic smile and the Wonder Bread wrapper outfit.” –MossMoses

“So I guess Pluggers aren’t just befuddled and lower-middle-class, they’re also old. They can remember a time when life was fun, the world seemed new, and their bowels were regular. And that’s just sad. When you think about it, they’re about halfway through the male-comics-character life cycle that leads from promise and possibility to impotence and decay: Dennis, Archie, Dagwood, Plugger, Lockhorn, They’ll-Do-It-Every-Timer, Crankshaft, mulch.” –BigTed

“Clearly, Batuik is doing a Mark Trail crossover here. The question, then, becomes: how will Elrod respond? The cartooner’s code of honor demands it. Look out Mark, here comes fist cancer.” –SmartPeopleOnIce

“I have finally realized why I have struggles in the romantic department. I DON’T HAVE A BAD-ASS GREEN SUIT. Problem solved. Look out ladies!” –AlmostAGhost

“Those three-year-old issues of Reader’s Digest were quite valuable to the doctor, though: After all, Laughter IS the Best Medicine.” –Ron Hogan

“You’re all missing the big picture with Slylock Fox — Smitty is obviously the only pure human being left after some alien virus has changed everybody else to anthropomorphic animals. He’s stealing the magazines (no doubt many years old) because they’re the only reminders he can find of a time before the world became an insane, talking-animal nightmare from which he cannot awaken. Heck, my pulse would be racing too.” –zadig

“I think that Shirley the Nervous and Brave transgendered duck may be Jack Elrod’s way of apologizing to duckdom for his last portrayal of an individual duck. If you recall, its entire plot line consisted of dying in the act of blinding a large-breasted woman and then having Mark Trail go through its entrails to find out what it had eaten recently.” –The Divine O’F

“I don’t have a problem with RMMD. I can always tell when the action heats up because everyone is on the phone.” –gh

“On paper, I’m sure it makes sense. ‘Rex is a closeted doctor who gets snippy and depressed whenever he’s had to go more than two weeks without a good round of “golf.” June’s a suburban ice maiden who lives each day as though it’s her last chance to tell everyone around her how they’re getting in her way. Together, they fight crime!’ But in actuality, because Rex is so goddamn passive and June is so self-absorbed, they really don’t fight crime. Instead, they just kind of mill around crime, looking at it disdainfully and treating it like it’s the overfull garbage can their neighbor brought out to the curb two full days before trash pickup day; they won’t do anything about it, but they’ll be damned if they’ll go back inside for dinner until they’re sure that everyone’s seen how very unhappy they are with what has been done.” –Trilobite

“This week is Exhibit A for why we keep reading Apartment 3-G, folks. I defy anyone to name something more riveting than a week of third-string character Nora Mills going to the bank and then driving home. I defy them!” –Darkefang

I’ll be back on the evening of Sunday September 9. Till then, be nice to your favorite Uncle!

Let’s cut to the chase: You love Cassandra Cat, everyone’s favorite alluring, sinister woman of mystery from Slylock Fox. Whether she’s sneaking into a movie theater, starting a media circus on false pretenses, plotting to rob public libraries, getting tied up, or luring Max Mouse to his demise, she does what she does with grace, aplomb, and style that will make your heart go pitter-patter. You want her any way you can get her, and since she’s actually a cartoon character, the only way you can get her is on a t-shirt or other product of some sort. Well, now you can buy just those sorts of items at the Comics Curmudgeon store at CafePress!

“But wait, Josh,” I hear you saying. “Your parodies are all well and good, but you can’t just reproduce a copyrighted character on one of your products. That would violate the intellectual property rights of Slylock Fox creator Bob Weber, Jr.!” That’s absolutely true. That’s why these merch items are sporting a logo designed especially for the purchasing pleasure of Comics Curmudgeon readers by Mr. Weber himself!

Did I just blow your mind? If I didn’t, the logo itself surely will:

Do I need to push this any more? I think not. Buy some Cassandra merch already! You know you want to. As usual, I’ve put up some starter items, including the more popular types of t-shirts and, naturally, underwear, but you can email me if you’d like me to Cassandra-ize something else.

UPDATE: Uh, as noted, there’s a typo in Cassandra’s name on the shirt graphic. Those of you who care about minutia like spelling will want to hold off on those purchases until I get an updated version from Mr. Weber…

UPDATE II: Fixed graphic to come within the hour; I’ll let you all know when it’s fixed.

UPDATE III: OK, as you can see above, the typo has been fixed, both here and in the store. I think that those of you who have already ordered will get the corrected version, because your orders haven’t actually gone to production yet. But if you do get the d-less version, feel free to auction it off on eBay for three times what you paid for it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/30/07

So, after three years of doing this site, I’ve discovered The Rex Morgan Problem, which goes something like this: The set-up for each storyline is delightful, but once we get to the climax, my interest suddenly deflates. Rex and Troy’s gay golf game kept me in stitches for hours! But then there was blackmail and SWAT teams and ZZZZZZZ. June and a 12-year-old banter about oral sex! But then there was an attempt to kidnap or kill him or something? YAWN! I’m beginning to suspect that it’s my problem, not the strip’s. Anyway, this is my apology for cutting back on my RMMD coverage just when it got ostensibly “exciting.” See, they found Milton and suddenly Pete the Chauffeur, who has seemed like a good guy all this time, is suddenly fleeing with Heather in tow because … he’s bad? Somehow? And now that Milton is really alive his hopes of being the power behind the throne are dashed? Also, he’s in the NSA? And the Chinese are involved? Maybe? But I don’t really care. Honest to God, can we just go back to June insulting civil servants and Rex being a dick to everyone because an uncomprehending world won’t accept him as he is? Because that’s what I tune in for.

I do like today’s last panel: if Rex were an ordinary protagonist, his implication would be “The cops won’t be able to find him … so I will!” as he drives to Pete’s secret hiding place that only he’s smart enough to discover. But this being Rex, his implication is “So, there’s no hope and we might as well move on,” and his destination is the office. Or Baskin-Robbins.

Family Circus, 8/30/07

This is my favorite kind of Family Circus: the kind where Jeffy is aggressively ignorant. He knows that everyone else in the family thinks he’s a moron — deep down, he probably knows that he is a moron — so he figures he’s just going to make their life difficult with it. Today we have the typical kids-say-the-darndest-things-because-they-treat-idioms-literally schtick, but there’s something about his attitude that says that he knows his little question is going make grandma regret coming over to try to relate to the little rugrats. “Gosh, grandma, how does ‘tight’ relate to sleeping, huh? Are we talking about my bowels? Because mommy says I have to sleep with those tight. What if I sleep loose and poop all over the bed, huh? What if that, huh? Grandma? Huh?”

(oh my god I just admitted that I had a favorite kind of Family Circus I’m screwed now)

Marmaduke, 8/30/07

OK, the MUNCH MUNCH MUCH I can deal with. I get it, the damn dog is chewing his way through bags and probably boxes to devour all of his family’s food before they get a chance to do so, sure, whatever. It’s the LICK LICK that really makes me uncomfortable. I’m assuming that he’s slobbering all over the grocery items that he can’t get down his ravenous gullet — the canned goods, the frozen foods — so that it’s all covered with a thick layer of viscous Great Dane drool. He may not be able to eat it, but he’s going to make sure that it’s so disgusting that his owners won’t want to either, because, fuck you, he’s Marmaduke.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 8/30/07

The Dubbers just love — like, we mean love — their flix with bombings, earthquakes, explosions, train wrecks, etc., etc.

(“Hmm, lotsa shootings in this one … huh, that fella lost an arm … howja think they did all that fake blood, witha computer?”)

But! Let ’em see one li’l nipple … and the whole menagerie is up and at ’em!

(“Awk! Filth! This is disgustin’! And little Hekkie saw it! He’ll be scarred for life … I’m writin’ Senator Blowhard … an outrage … should be able to watch HBO at 10 pm without seeing this garbage …”)

Blondie, 8/29/07

Long-time Blondie readers have always marvelled at the uncanny resemblance between Dagwood’s neighbor/golf buddy/source of free tools Herb Woodley and mailman Mr. Beasley. The same face, the same bulging forehead, the same mustache. Could they be long-lost relatives? Was Herb actually the neighborhood mailman, assuming a new name and identity as he walked his route for inscrutable reasons of his own? Today, though, as his long-firmly-attached hat goes flying, we learn that, unlike Herb, Mr. Beasley in fact completely bald. It is a testament to the power of the comics and the long-running features within that this has completely blown my fucking mind. Cynic that I am, I can’t stop looking at his bare head.

For Better Or For Worse, 8/29/07

ha ha ha foolish girl no patterson is ever free

Mark Trail, 8/29/07

I’m beginning to suspect that Shirley the Duck has special powers, and I don’t just mean her stunning plumage, which has won her drag king competitions all over Lost Forest. No, first she somehow convinced the construction foreman to halt work on this extremely important mall, and now she’s working her sinister magic on the son of the big boss himself! As more and more people come within range of her mind-control rays, her army will grow larger and larger, until that mall finds itself transformed into a Shirleytarium, dedicated to her care, feeding, and worship. There will be bread crumbs. Many, many bread crumbs.

Slylock Fox, 8/29/07

Wow, that lion is pissed — and, really, can you blame him? Most doctors don’t even take their patients’ pulse themselves, and here some nosey freelance detective is getting Panthera Leo, M.D., to put his hard-earned medical skills to use to bust someone for stealing magazines from the waiting room. I think someone’s going to have some angry words with the managers of Medical Plaza. Presumably the only way to calm him down will be to allow him to eat Slick Smitty, whether he’s guilty or not.