Archive for December, 2007

Well, faithful readers, it’s that time of year again: the time where I go on a multi-city Christmas traveling trip! Since so many folks are traveling or spending time at home and away from the Interweb this time of year anyway, I hereby give all of you the next 10 days off from reading my site. I’ll be back on January 1! Or possibly January 2. We’ll see what I feel like.

But I can’t leave you without offering the comment of the (truncated, once again) week!

“Mary Worth will seem more exciting if you hum the riff to ‘Barracuda’ under your breath as you read it. I mean this specifically with respect to the ‘two small dogs very, very gradually approaching one another’ storyline, but I suppose it would work any time.” –Keg of Curd

And, of course, there are runners up:

“On the contrary, Eric has long dreamed of a Han Solo proposition scene. It’s just that, well, he was dressed as Han and making the proposition, and Margo, his crying sister-in-law, or some random hooker was dressed as Princess Leia. The look on his face is the look of a man who’s just realized that his innermost fantasy is coming true, only it’s the wrong kind of proposition and there’s a slave girl outfit that’s just not going to wear itself.” –Jp

“Knowing nothing about football or the terms involved, I have no way of envisioning the game based on Marty’s speech. Based on the drawings, I’m going to go ahead and assume that football is another word for ‘line dancing.’” –Rhekarid

“So, um, Mark now wanders around talking to his dog and putting things he finds on the ground in his mouth? There’s people around here who do that. We call them ‘the homeless.’” –SmartPeopleOnIce

“Okay, now I get it. Remember the concern with Rex being ‘disappointed’ in Niki? Apparently meth-mom got wind that Rex was planning an overly elaborate sting for Niki in the woods. You may be thinking too overly elaborate but remember they spent about 8 months with trout metaphors.” –Sans Sense

“This is why I don’t read Marmaduke. It makes me go fetal in despair.” –The Avocado Avenger

“Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider your nephew can.” –The Waz

“MY REPORT ON SIMON KRANDIS by Spider-Man Peter, Age 30. Simon Krandis is a mean old man who lives in a big house with a guy in a green suit and orange tie. He doesn’t have any wife or kids and owns a newspaper or a TV station I think. He is big and fat and probably smells bad. One time Simon Krandis wanted to date my wife so he sent The Persuader who is the guy who keeps blowing up our delivery trucks to talk to her but she hit him with something and now hes probably all mad. I looked for him on Google but didnt find much that wasn’t some stupid blog about how bad comic strips are.” –Inspector Dim

“Obviously neither of these women have had their dogs for very long. When the dogs meet, the owners just yank on the leash, smile politely to the owners, chuckle and walk away. You do not allow the lady in heels and the tight clothing to fall down, then predictably spend the next two months fixing her life’s problems.” –Charles

“What Mary Worth is doing with her hand in panel one is wiping off a stray piece of salmon-colored lint that somehow landed on the shoulder of her more exquisitely wretched puce pantsuit. The exclamation mark she utters in panel two is surprise that a salmon-wearing harridan would dare speak to her, especially after the lint incident.” –Electro

“Normally, I wouldn’t condone using a leash to throw a dog like a yo-yo. But then, normally, it isn’t a yip dog being thrown at Mary Worth in Chairman Mao’s pajamas.” –kitty

“Pity the poor chihuahua lady, because today she has made a powerful and unbelievably petty enemy.” –Trilobite

“Peter Parker: ‘It’s tooo harrrrrrrrddddd. Waaaaaaaaaaa!’ MJ: (says something about an event important to her that, if Peter had paid any attention to what she says or does at all, he would know about) Peter Parker: ‘Huh? Nooooooo! Meeeeeeeeeeee!’ Really. Must. Stop. Reading. Spider-Man.” –Girl Reporter

Oh, and hey there! Here’s a fine picture of faithful reader Dave (of TDIET fame from earlier this week) and his son Clifford at the Baseball Hall of Fame! Dave is sporting his fine Margo Warhol shirt, which as always you can purchase for money from the Comics Curmudgeon store.

Dave also sells his own homeroasted coffee beans (you may have noticed the ads around the site). 100 percent of the money you spend on his coffee benefits the Batten Disease Support and Research Association, so check it out!

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This next bit is NOT an ad, but a genuine unsolicited recommendation! If you’re looking for a cool comic (on paper, not this Internet crap), I urge you to check out MariNaomi’s Estrus!

And finally, here’s a little talker to keep you entertained in my absence. My wife spotted a comment on a Defamer.com story about a new Catherine Keener movie featuring women living in a NYC apartment building that suggested that Keener would make a perfect Margo from Apartment 3-G. (I would bet that said commentor is almost certainly a reader of this site, but never mind that for the moment.) What current and/or former movie stars would you cast as you favorite soap strip characters? Discuss, and I’ll see you in 2008!

Dick Tracy, 12/22/07

I’ve managed to go several weeks without mentioning Dick Tracy, and that’s because it’s been stupid and incomprehensible and insane. The meandering, pointless storyline has involved a maniac holding the governor hostage in an old haunted mansion at the end of a tunnel behind a painting; meanwhile, a wrecking crew has shown up to demolish the house the same day that a high-profile charity haunted house sleepover event involving local politicians is ostensibly in progress inside, and they refuse to obey the orders of the police. Today’s comic is worthy of mention, though, because it features the bad guy (or maybe the governor — I’m not entirely clear on this point) falling to his death, a mighty SPLATT ringing out as his organs are pulped inside his body cavity; then his corpse is mangled by a bulldozer, which the operator of said machine barely notices. I would bet money that this strip runs in at least one newspaper that pulled Zits last month because it used the word “sucks.”

Family Circus, 12/22/07

This sort of blasphemous sass that should definitely not bring a wry little smile to the lips of the mother of any ostensibly Christian household. Mommy needs to get out the crucifix and use it to bludgeon the devil out of her sinful son.

Judge Parker, 12/22/07

Hmm, pot brownies should really leave Abbey “inspired” to do little more than sit in the office and giggle about all the clashing color schemes she keeps coming up with. New theory: meth brownies.

Slylock Fox, 12/22/07

You know what America needs more of? Superheroes that pick up criminals by the scruff of the neck and then punch them in the face.

Beetle Bailey, 12/21/07

Man, forget Miss Buxley; Private Blips is obviously where it’s at. Girl is clearly a stone cold freak. She’s gone way past what some dirty book can do for her, and now she’s just going to get any man who walks into the office to talk dirty to her. Miss Buxley’s look of horror in panel two just shows that she’s just a girl, totally unable to deal with the raw sexuality of a real woman like Private Blips. You go, girl!

Killer’s “quivering hat symbolizing arousal” still kind of grosses me out, I have to say. But hey, Blips, whatever floats your boat.

Crock, 12/21/07

You would have thought that Crock had already brought Grossie to the nadir of degradation, perhaps at the very moment at which it chose to name her “Grossie.” But now, with nobody around to make fat jokes about her, she’s being forced to make them about herself. Classy!

Marmaduke, 12/21/07

“Or perhaps you’ve killed your owner and you’re wearing his hat, along with the top of his skull? Yes, that seems most likely, actually.”

Mary Worth, 12/20/07

Sadly, rules about depicting animal violence prevent us from seeing the bloody glory of this little-dog-on-littler-dog battle, but it’s obvious that Chester won, since his Margo Magee lookalike owner had to fish him out of the fighting pit. The motion lines in panel one also make it look like Mary just backhanded her nemesis in the back of the head for good measure. But for my money the greatest thing about this comic is the wordless exclamation point Mary is emitting in the second panel. It’s clear that nobody has told Mary that anything was her fault, ever. Watch out, fur-collared-coat lady! Mary got a bunch of her friends together to help her talk a guy into suicide once, and his crimes were clearly nothing compared to you attempting to cast blame on the Queen of Charterstone.

Marmaduke, 12/20/07

Marmaduke’s troubling slide into insanity accelerates. Never mind the fact that if Marmaduke wasn’t sitting, he’d just be running around and destroying things, and possibly humping his owner’s hapless guest; his sitting would probably be less intrusive if the various pieces of furniture in the living room were, you know, more than eight inches apart.

Crankshaft, 12/20/07

I’m always kind of interested in the flashback scenes in Crankshaft. This woman is (if I have the family relationships right, which I’m still not 100 percent sure that I do) the ’Shaft’s daughter, so it’s intriguing to see the man’s family when he was younger and maybe not so cranky and HOLY GOD WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT THING IN FRONT OF THE LITTLE GIRL’S FACE IN THE THIRD PANEL WHERE THE HELL IS HER MOM SHOPPING FOR ORNAMENTS HOLY CRAP!

Luann, 12/19/07

Check out Toni’s right hand. Anything weird about it? A little off? No? How about the fact that it appears to be almost two-thirds as long as the whole rest of her arm? I know she’s a cartoon character with, for instance, weird beady little eyes and an impossibly large mouth, but there’s something about her hand that’s creeping me out. Urrrgggh.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I really hope Brad and Toni are overcome by the festiveness of their costumes and end up playing “bad Santa and naughty elf.” Not because I want to see or even imagine their erotic congress, mind you, but I just want it over with. Please. The sexual tension between these two is not hot. It’s soooo very un-hot and queasy-making, and the inhumanly large hand ISN’T HELPING. Just do it already, you two, because it will be terrible and awkward and you’ll never do it again and then we can all rest easy.

Spider-Man, 12/19/07

The sad thing is that the six weeks of Google searches to which we’re about be treated are actually preferable to the alternative, which is of course six weeks of Peter Parker whining at the TV. At least Spider-Man will actually be doing something, even if it’s just typing. I love the way the flat-screen monitor is dramatically foregrounded in the final panel, as if to say, “Here, dear reader! Here is the true hero of this strip! Behold, the Internet!”

Slylock Fox, 12/19/07

Remember, everyone, you don’t need to spend big money on tickets to Stomp! You can just recreate it in your own home! Also, children as young as eighteen months can be trained to make margaritas.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/19/07

I have a note in my calendar that today’s TDIET is from faithful reader Tili; if so, stand up and take a bow! I am in full solidarity with you, my night owl brother or sister. The Man tells you that you should get up early and go to bed early, but without late night toiling where would we be? This blog would be short quite a few posts, I’ll tell you that much.

Marmaduke, 12/19/07

Do you ever get the feeling that the creator of Marmaduke is just totally bonkers? Well, today’s comic is not going to disabuse you of that notion.

Hey, remember when I speculated on a Sally Forth-Shortpacked crossover? Behold my power over the world of cartooning!

For Better Or For Worse and They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/18/07

Just to show how deeply the FOOB hooks have sunk into all of our hearts, I’d like to confess that, like several commentors, I was doing the math in my head yesterday when April said that there’d be 14 guests at the Christmas Patterbash. Who would the extra two be? Today we learn that they’ll be Deanna’s parents, which I am quite frankly very pleased about. Deanna’s mother may be awful and hateful, but there will be nobody for that hate to be focused on except her in-laws, and that can only be a good thing. Her constant harping and barely passive aggression should up the chance of someone getting punched in the face, and I’m going to need to hold on to that possibility if I’m going to make it through this.

Deanna may be pleased now about how much help she’ll be getting from her guests in the food prep department, but today’s TDIET holds a clue to her inevitable post-party future. The glassy-eyed Deanna-bot will no doubt be grimly polishing the dishes long into the evening, as Mike teaches the kids how to break things, or, more likely, hides in his attic office, staring at the computer screen and indulging in an inner monologue in which self-doubt provides a thin veneer for self-aggrandizing.

(Bonus Scadutoism: “Reunionite.”)

Apartment 3-G, 12/18/07

Directions Eric could be going with this:

• “Look, Margo, it’s been fun having sex with you and all, but this is pretty much where I start making excuses for not seeing you.”
• “It’s just that … having seen the horror of my parents’ marriage … I just don’t know if I can ever truly … commit myself …” (Note: May be cover story for previous bullet point.)
• “Oh, you’re from a dysfunctional family too? And have never learned to express feelings in any kind of healthy way either? Well, we’re perfect for each other then!”
• “Margo, what I’m trying to say is that you remind me of my mother. And my mother is fucking terrifying.”

Curtis, 12/18/07

Despite my Curmudgeonly status, I must give props to even those corny jokes that give me little guffaws of joy, and the image that Curtis offers today — of snowflakes that are really tiny elf turds — definitely did that. I might feel differently the next time it snows and I’m unable to get the image out of my head. I also like the way Curtis is rooting around the branches of the Christmas tree, looking for anything even remotely edible to cram down his insatiable gullet.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/18/07

Dear Funky Winkerbean:

Ahem.

A “SOLO CAR DATE” IS NOT A REAL THING THAT ANYONE ACTUALLY SAYS. REPEATING IT OVER AND OVER WILL NOT MAKE IT A REAL THING THAT ANYONE ACTUALLY SAYS.

I thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
The Comics Curmudgeon

Archie, 12/18/07

“To be honest, though, I think a lot of people are just stopping by his booth to stare at his crotch.”