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July, 2008
Mary Worth, 7/31/08
See, this is the sort of strip that people try to confront me with when I refuse to acknowledge that soap opera comics maybe might be a little bit boring. And yet how can you deny the tension that crackles out of these panels? Thrill as Mary and Toby half-heartedly argue over who will pick up the check! Shudder in anticipation as you try to imagine just what kind of paperwork awaits Mary back at her empty, lonely apartment! Gaze in wonder at a restaurant bill that contains only line items for “salad,” “stew,” and “dessert,” perhaps indicating that our ladies have lunched at the restaurant owned by Herb and Jamaal! It’s more exciting than taking a roller-coaster ride through a hail of gunfire while tweaking on crystal meth!
Gil Thorp, 7/31/08
It’s been repeatedly established that Elmer’s Spanish is no better than that of any other American-raised native English speaker who paid little or no attention in his high school Spanish class, so Kings manager Fran Riordan’s “let’s put all the brown guys in one hotel room” is mildly troubling. More troubling, though, is the gang sign he’s flashing in panel one, which may indicate that this so-called “minor-league baseball team” is really a violent organization dedicated to the sale of illegal narcotics. “WEST SIDE, BOYEEE!”
Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/31/08
Taken in isolation, the second panel looks like Rex asking if a concerned citizen’s cellar could be used as a makeshift quarantine ward where the MRSA-infected youth could be locked up until the crisis is solved, possibly by their deaths. But since this is Rex Morgan, M.D., we know from the larger context that he actually just likes having a lot of teenage boys available in one easy-to-find location.
Marmaduke, 7/31/08
Today’s Marmaduke is funnier — by which I mean that it’s actually kind of funny — if you read it in light of the theory that Marmaduke’s owner is actually Hitler on the lam. “Argh, electoral democracy is a degenerate failure! When will these dummkopfs learn that the Volk’s will is best expressed through a single party headed by a single, unquestioned leader?” This scenario still doesn’t explain why he’s only sitting three feet away from his television, though.
Gil Thorp, 7/30/08
I can’t hold back any longer! Summer, my friends, is the season when Gil Thorp is traditionally freed from the shackles of its need to focus on boring high school athletics and truly finds its completely deranged natural level. 2006 brought us vicious fights between little girls and Ben Franklin, time-traveling golf grifter; last summer, we saw one-legged boxing follies and the glory and majesty of Coach Kaz, PI to the rock and roll Carole King. Thus, I’ve been patiently awaiting the end of the very special “Elmer gets deported” storyline so we can move on to the summer madness.
But now, as we’re only a few weeks away from the start of football practice, it’s becoming clear that there is no joy in Milford. Elmer’s springtime woes have just dragged right on into July, as he’s been recalled from his two-week Mexile to take a spot on the independent minor league Kalamazoo Kings. So instead of boring high school sports action, we’re getting boring vaguely professional sports action, and it’s boring. The faint hopes that were raised by my first read of panel two’s narration box — “It’s the Kings vs. the Chillicothe Pants” — were dashed by a closer inspection of the text. Even the red-hot lower back action in panel three can’t save this from snoresville.
For Better Or For Worse, 7/30/08
After the trivet incident, I’m hesitant to admit when I have to look up a word in the dictionary, but: mucilage? Really? Maybe the reason Lynn Johnston is retiring is because there will soon literally be no words left in the English language to pun upon.
“An adhesive solution” is no doubt the meaning intended here, but the dictionary built in to my computer has as the word’s first definition “a viscous secretion or bodily fluid,” so this actually may not be a pun at all. “What you’re feeling? That’s mucilage! Please, change me! My own daughter refused and said I was ‘gross!’”
Beetle Bailey, 7/30/08
Like the fact that he could see right up your skirt in panel two, for instance.
Slylock Fox, 7/29/08
It took me a while to figure out exactly what the storyline was in today’s Six Differences — dog mauls little girl to seize her ice cream, little girl weeps for the loss of the treat that she’d been looking forward to all day, little boy laughs sadistically at her pain, squirrel is horrified by the quotidian cruelties that selfish humans and animals visit upon each other, bird lands on dog’s head and stares at the viewer with huge, soulless eyes. At first I didn’t make the connection between the fallen ice cream cone and the brown goo in the dog’s mouth, and just assumed that the mutt was eating his own feces; while I realize that this is more or less a daily event in kennels and dog parks all across this great nation of ours, I was shocked to see it in a family newspaper.
Ballard Street, 7/29/08
But then again, today’s Ballard Street is about a dog licking his own ass, so perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised by anything anymore.
Marmaduke, 7/29/08
This may be the first time I’ve used the phrase “I like” in relation to Marmaduke, but: I like the way the other dog is hiding behind his owner in today’s Marmaduke. It really helps emphasize the unspoken conclusion to Marmaduke’s owner’s sentence, which is “… considering the enormous, murderous hellbeast he’s become today! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH HIM NO NO NO”
Judge Parker, 7/29/08
In non-dog news, Sam Driver recently discovered that just touching this little red book has magically improved his golf game, in a sequence that involved Abbey wearing ludicrously short shorts but also involved Sam shooting golf balls at a driving range — possibly the most boring thing I can imagine — so I couldn’t bring myself to comment on it. Today, though, I’m intrigued by the fact that Sam has scored one of those bulkhead seats at the front of coach — you know, the ones that have twenty feet of open space in front of them. That’s just one of the benefits of flying Teal Seat Airlines! Another benefit: stewardess ass crack.
Comment of the week in a moment, but first, a major announcement. Today, July 28, 2008, will go down in history as The Day Ces Marciuliano Finally Got Off His Ass And Relaunched Medium Large! Yes, the beloved Webcomic is back on its own site, with (we hope) regular updates, as well as separate pages for beloved characters such as Teenage Girl President, TODD and Son, and Victorian Era Superhero!
I first made Ces’s Internet acquaintance when someone forwarded me a particularly trenchant Medium Large that featured one of the B.C. cast of characters saying the word “fucking.” I quickly went from “Ha ha, this is a hilarious spoof of B.C.!” to “Holy crap, the guy who writes Sally Forth made a hilarious spoof of B.C.!” I wish a long life to the strip’s new incarnation.
And now, without further ado: COTW, y’all!
“Maybe the names ‘Ass Cabin,’ ‘Tushy Trawler’ and ‘Drunken Derilick’s Dinghy’ were already taken.” –PeteMoss, on how the Bum Boat got its name
And runners-up:
“Does Dagwood realize that the tub is so full that if he got in it would overflow? Doesn’t Dithers knock before he enters a bathroom? Apparently the Archimedes Principle has taken a vacation with the laws of common decency.” –Hogenmogen
“Today’s strip looks like a clip art image of Mary was pasted against Jeff’s shoulder at a weird angle. This is more horrifying that it sounds, since it implies that Mary Worth clip art may actually exist somewhere.” –AhClem
“I really like how Mary Worth glared at us today while dispensing her timeless nuggets of wisdom, by which I mean I developed an eating disorder after Mary Worth glared at us today while dispensing her timeless nuggets of wisdom.” –Gerund
“I just feel bad for the folks that might be searching for this blog now thinking ‘Rex Morgan fans? I love that strip too!’ And by ‘feel bad’ I mean I wish I could see their faces as they read the entries. ’Specially the genitalia one.” –shnazzer
“I think Jeff and Mary have, consciously or not, begun a platitude-to-the-death competition. Who will win? Or are there ever winners in such a God-forsaken battle of bon mots?” –bats :[
“As with the Tin Man, Mary’s joints need a serious oiling, unlike Jeff’s hair.” –Calico
“While ol’ Mare and Jeff continue their flowery turdering upon the English language in an effort to express feelings that they can neither understand nor appreciate, it’s important to seek out one glimmer of substance as reassurance that the precious seconds required to read each day’s strip were not spent in vain. For me, today’s salvation is the hope that we are not looking at a neon sign above the restaurant entrance, but rather are listening to an employee whose job it is, from opening time to the moment the last fish-shaped lamp is switched off, to announce the eatery by screaming as loudly as possible ‘BUM BOAT!!! BUM BOAT!!! BUM BOAT!!!’” –Mooncattie
“I think Mary is talking in code about hermaphrodites. She’s so cool. And fucking weird.” –Mr. Barkie
“I was about to remark on the ooky ‘tender bud’ stuff when I was distracted by the extreme hideousness of Mary’s shirt. Then I was about to say something about how Mary’s taste in clothes is second in ookiness only to her taste in metaphors when I realized I once dated a 29-year-old man who wore exactly the same outfit Jeff is wearing, and he liked seafood too. Now I’m going to go drown myself in gin.” –Echo
“If Margo was a FOOB she’d be thought-ballooning ‘A ring! The token that says “I’m going to rip his head off and ram my ovipositor down his throat”!’” –GotFuzzy
“I think it’s kind of sweet how Les uses memories of his dead wife as a sexual lubricant with his best friend’s ex. Love, exciting and new!” –Tom the Pirate
“Young, old, pretty, ugly, fat, thin, rich, poor — I think sex is fun and natural and doesn’t belong exclusively to any demographic. But given a choice, I’d rather hear Margo Magee talk about it than Mary Worth. Mostly because I think Margo probably has angry, angry sex, and says things with finger quotes. ‘Yes’! That’s ‘it’!” –Old School Allie Cat
“The Family Circus has made millions and is beloved by millions, and the Keanes did this by consistently steering clear of so-called ‘jokes.’ You think they’re going to start using them now?” –Mac
“Family Circus: I wish Angela Lansbury would stop checking the recipe and just bake those kids into pies, already.” –RaJ
“Today’s Momma has convinced me that there are two kinds of people in the world: those who hormonally free-associate and see sex in an innocent four panels of man passionately kissing his mother, and those incapable of doing so. Right now, I wish I were in the latter group. A lot.” –Vakar
“Who wouldn’t be excited about going to South Dakota? In the Apartment 3-G universe, that’s where they rounded up the minorities and put them in camps.” –Master Mahan
“I’m looking forward to Lu Ann on the ranch. Sitting on her Shetland pony, official Dale Evans cowgirl hat with the string fixed tightly under her chin, a shiny new South Dakota commemorative quarter in her hand, she searches for the slot to put it in to make the pony go, while the lonesome wind whistles through the vast empty landscape between her ears.” –gh
“Am I the only one starting to really envy Mary’s lifestyle? Here we all are, toiling away at jobs like chumps, while she spends her Monday relaxing over a delicious plate of mustard at a restaurant so fancy each table gets its own fez, while Toby helpfully explains to her what medicine is.” –Violet
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Mary Worth, 7/28/08
While Mary and Toby are nattering on about the Great Charterstone Love Story as if this endless plotline is going to continue, I feel quite confident that panel two is introducing us to the character that will be at the center of the next story arc: the waiter’s package. Seriously, the dude clearly is dressing left and I don’t think there are very many comics characters I can say that with such certainty about. Dramatic economy would imply that anything that’s received that much artistic attention is destined for prominence in future installments.
I really wish we had been privy to the morning scene at the Camerons, as I’m sure Ian said something devastatingly cruel about Toby’s purple linked-heart sleeveless t-shirt. It’s really sad when you have to turn to lunch with Mary Worth for an emotional pick-me-up.
Slylock Fox, 7/28/08
It’s nice to see another representative of the ne’er-do-well Rat clan (I’m assuming that Rodney is some form of kin — probably simultaneously nephew and second cousin — to Reeky) causing trouble down at the local second-tier department store and sporting a fine mullet to boot. Still, the rest of the Rats are going to be less than impressed when they find out that his criminal scheme’s ultimate aim is to purloin some gloves. “Oh, I’m sorry, are you too good pick up the garbage strewn around your trailer with your bare hands? Well la-di-da, your majesty!”
Apartment 3-G, 7/28/08
At last, we find out why South Dakota is so damn exciting — Lu Ann’s parents are there! This is exciting not only for Lu Ann but for us seekers of A3G drama, since we’ve been assured by cousin Ruby that Lu Ann’s parents are strangely distant towards their artist daughter. This is understandable, what with her being Lu Ann and all. I’m kind of embarrassed just reading about her every day.
For Better Or For Worse, 7/28/08
“Yes, it certainly would have been awkward telling you about all this while Iris was here, what with her not being invited to the wedding and all.”
Mary Worth, 7/27/08
Fans of Mary Worth and/or fans of music made after 1968, prepare to have your mind blown! After speculating that Mary wanted Jeff to take her to see indie folk-pop duo the Weepies, today faithful reader Wanders in his Mary Worth and Me blog points out that she and Jeff are actually seeing Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. This unlikely Irish-Czech duo were the stars of last year’s indie darling film Once, and won an Oscar for (I’m pretty sure) the song that Mary and Jeff are listening to in the final panel of today’s installment. Of course, as Glenn and Marketa actually look like this, based on the pic I’m guessing that they’re actually seeing a Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova tribute band.
Zits, 7/27/08
The appropriate answer to Jeremy’s request — “Sure, just wait 45 minutes until we’re done fucking” — will ensure that he won’t ever ask them to pick up his bandmates again, or indeed ask them for anything else, as he’ll no doubt run gibbering into the night, never to return.
Panel from Apartment 3-G, 7/27/08
As usual, Sunday’s Apartment 3-G merely repeats installments from the previous week, but the final panel seems to have been drawn as some kind of challenge. It’s basically saying, “Oh, you thought Lu Ann was a little too excited about going to South Dakota yesterday? Well, check this insanity out.” In yesterday’s installment it just looked like she had mistaken South Dakota for someplace exciting; today she appears to be in the grip of hilariously misplaced delusions of grandeur. “Did you hear me? I said South Dakota! SOUTH DAKOTA! MU HA HA HA!”
