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Big weekend roundup megamania!

Once again, I intended to skip over the days I missed when out of town … once again, I cannot resist their siren song! (And again, since I only skimmed the comments from while I was away, apologies if I’m repeating funnies here…)

Popeye, 6/30/07

In case you’re wondering, Popeye: still a horror show. While Olive Oyl’s manic suicide threat turned out to be the lead-in to some kind of baffling surrealist prank, we now have a sideburned thug threatening to stab Wimpy to death. GOOD FAMILY FUN.

Some commentor months ago said that the current Popeye strips are actually reruns from the 1990s. Can anyone confirm or deny if we’re seeing this disturbing tale a second time? Also, did Popeye really stuff spinach into his pipe and smoke it in one of the cartoons, or am I misremembering that?

Spider-Man, 6/30/07

With the sudden appearance of Badly Drawn Larry King, Spider-Man hits its highest pitch of excitement in months.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/1/07

Saparmurat Niyazov, who died last year, was the longtime dictator of Turkmenistan. His country was ground down by one of the most outrageous personality cults in history, the most obvious aspect of which was the inescapable omnipresence of his image. Photos, monuments, and statues of him were every where, including, most memorably, a gold-plated statue atop the Neutrality Arch, which rotated automatically so that it always faced the sun. “I admit it,” he said once, “there are too many portraits, pictures and monuments. I don’t find any pleasure in it, but the people demand it because of their mentality.”

Meanwhile, the battle for the heart (or something) of Niki begins! This fishing expedition should be an absolute hoot, as Niki, a tough kid from the mean streets of New Orleans, and Rex, an effete suburban doctor whose main hobbies are golf and petulance, attempt to bond by emulating crappy Hollywood movies about male bonding written by, directed by, and starring people who also have never fished in their lives. Look for Rex to flail about in disgust at the prospect of touching a live worm, and then accidentally swing the hook right into Niki’s eye. Rex’s dad looks down from heaven, still unimpressed.

Slylock Fox, 7/1/07

We Cassandra Cat fans enjoy the sight of our feline filcher staring lovingly if prematurely at her haul, but I have to once again take issue with the solution to the mystery. In a world where mice wear bowlers, foxes solve mysteries, and squirrels own jewelry and vinyl-sided houses, why couldn’t the kiwi have just walked into the house and stolen the ring? It could have just gone up the conveniently placed stairs.

Crankshaft, 7/1/07

Unless our unhappy family is parked directly above a tiny but still unimaginably powerful black hole, I’m going to have to call foul on the downward-bending light beam coming out of that car’s headlights. Perhaps it’s meant to be a metaphor for Crankshaft’s tragic erectile dysfunction.

Mark Trail, 7/1/07

“So you see, Rusty, sometimes you waste your entire life working on things that will ultimately be destroyed without a trace! Also, women like men with big ‘claws.’”

Panel from One Big Happy, 7/1/07

The advantage of having a character who generally speaks in unfiltered streams of quasi-nonsense is that you can slip in things like this and most people will barely notice.

Apartment 3-G, 7/2/07

Some might feel that this comic portrays Margo in an unflattering light, but you have to understand the context: yesterday was Lu Ann’s turn to cook, so she hasn’t eaten in nearly 48 hours. Naturally she’s a little irritable.

For Better Or For Worse, 7/2/07

Shawna-Marie’s wedding, week four: Canada’s nightmare continues.

It is of course obvious that Liz’s parade of suitors is being torn down one by one — too drunk, too distracted by their jobs and leering, too not white cheating — to make the inevitable pairing with Anthony vaguely palatable, since he has no actively redeeming qualities. The last few candidates at least had some kind of vague history in the strip, though; now we’re just being introduced to new potential mates solely so they can be eliminated. I look forward to the gap between the meet-cute and the unmasking getting shorter and shorter (Panel one: Liz meets handsome Joe! Panel three: Joe kicks a puppy!) until eventually a charming, attractive man comes upon Liz and says something punny and then tries to rape her in the same panel.

Gil Thorp, 7/2/07

“It’s not my job to do anything about it, though, obviously. Heck, what with you doing most of my job for me, my job mostly consisted of cashing the checks! So thanks, you lovable old fraud!”

432 responses to “Big weekend roundup megamania!”

  1. Kate
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    (DT)GT: Well, see, that’s the problem with hiring Negroes. They are inherently shifty and full of lies. Like children, they are. You always gotta watch ‘em.

    Good at sports, though.

  2. Calico
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    FOOB – Mason has Morphed into Walter Matthau.

    The light in Crankshaft is indicative of what a downer personality he is in general.
    I’d rather hang out in the oncology clinic in FW than with the big C(rank).

  3. MyEvilTwin
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    Did anyone else have to do a double-take at Slylock Fox? When I first looked at it, I thought that the bird had crapped on the kid’s head.

  4. Don
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    I was thinking Mason looks like Abraham Lincoln in that last panel. How did he suddenly sport a chinbeard?

  5. True Fable
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    What they don’t show you in Rex Morgan is panel 6 1/2, in which June says, “That’s what Milton said about your mama, Hugh!” Oh, SNAP!

  6. Will Cate
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    That only looked like spinach that popeye was stuffing into his pipe…

  7. True Fable
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    5 1/2. Shit, I can’t even count this morning. I fail at …like… thinking.

  8. Rudy the Ape
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    I am somewhat surprised that you did not present the pansy-ness, out-of-the-closet experience Fignewt has discovered in TDIET today.

    I would seriously pass on the egg massage, Figgy.

    Rudy T.A.

  9. Tweeks_Coffee
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    To be fair, the question in Slylock was “How did Slylock know a Kiwi bird didn’t fly in the window”, so he could still determine that from the type of bird. How he could solve the case from there is beyond me, but this is Slylock we’re talking about.

  10. commodorejohn
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    Argh, post-jumped.

    A3G – Why are you worried about Luann, Tommie? You should be worried about Margo! Forget nearly carbon monoxide poisoning, she’s hungry!

    Archie – Either the ALGJU3K needs more data on colloquial English, or it has decided that hysterectomies are suitable joke material.

    Crock – is actually funny. What’s up with that?

    DT – I love how every other panel in this storyline has been a frontal closeup of the Baron’s hilariously bird-like face. It’s like Phantom of Krankor at 80 years of age.

    FC – I’m trying to figure out how this reflects on Jeff Keane. Does he have an irrational hatred of barbers or something? Either way, that look is more menacing than Dennis.

    FOOB – Oh, I get it, we’re supposed to dislike him because he has a large schnoz and disheveled hairdo. Wait, aren’t those two of Elly’s most prominent characteristics? I don’t get it. Besides, he looks like Alan Rickman in Sense And Sensibility. Perhaps Anthony will step in to punch him awake. Also: Shawna-Marie’s groom finally gets a name, albeit tiny and hidden in the background. Brian, we barely knew ye. No, I mean it, we barely knew you at all.

    FW – Haha, you’re going to die, Lisa, isn’t that great!?

    GT – My worldview just shattered.

    JP – That’s pretty clearly a garage, not a door.

    MT – The most terrified squirrel ever.

    MW – I love the way he’s shrinking back from Mary’s attentions. I think he knows what happened to Aldo.

    OBH – What is with adult women and hideous, unnatural grins in this strip? The only two ladies who don’t do that are Joe and Ruthie’s mom and grandma.

    RMMD – “Joey, you know what a mentor is?”

    SFx – Holy moley, dialogue! When did this start?

    SM – Next: Better Late Than Never!

    Edison Lee – stole this joke from the “Slo-Decay Snack Cakes” ad in Howard Mohr’s 1987 book How To Talk Minnesotan.

  11. Monster Jamz
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Skylock Fox: again, Max Mouse gives no help in solving the crime. he does nothing! if he would maybe just turn his head to his right a little … he could spot the thief and finally add something
    to this crime-fighting duo but no, he’s reading a book. good job Max. real good.

  12. Burning Prairie
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    Wasn’t Margo just at the hospital? She must have broken the land-speed record racing Tommie home just so she could greet her at the door with that harangue. And, no, she does NOT want to know how Luann is first! Are we about to see an epic battle for Apt. 3-G supremacy? Can Tommie unseat Margo as reigning Alpha? No, she can’t. But it should be fun to watch.

  13. evh
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    #3: So did I, until I realized that “shit” wasn’t on the list of things that start with S underneath the comic.

  14. Don
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    BC – So in golf, aren’t you supposed to hit towards the flag?

  15. Kenny
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    Check out that second panel in Gil Thorp; what he should be saying is “You’re 71, not 83 and you never played in the Negro leagues… Mr. Miyagi! AHA!”

    You know, Clambake WOULD have got away with it if it were for those meddling Kids and their “Internet”.

  16. Lawyer Bob
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    FOOB–I don’t know what is weirder in the last panel: the word “snozzz” which is onomotapoeic for no sound I’ve ever heard, or that Mason’s overimbibing has apparently transformed him into Abraham Lincoln.

  17. Rainbird
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    Did no one else read Niki in RMMD as a girl, a butchy or tom boyish girl, but a girl. I still think she is really a girl, which will spoil Rex’s plans for his little “fishing” trip. Sorry, Rex, she isn’t interested.

  18. Remus
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    Can I just interject somewhat irrelevantly to say that “On the Fasttrack” is ‘une piece de merdre’ of late? I mean , day 1 – haha, a computer bug as a real bug, what a hilarious metaphor. Day 43 – talk of bugs being naked technically showing their exoskeleton=puking in my mouth. Anyone with me here? Or does no one else get this comic , or better yet , have you all done the wise thing adn eliminated it from your daily comics…I dunno why I’m hanging on, I guess it seemed modern with the computer themes and stuff…oh fudge, where’s the double barrel?

    Oh, and I may be several days late with this, but I say let all mildly retarded children stand up in their middle school cafeteria and let the normal kids have it. I’m certain that would go smoothly with the ‘cool kids’ crowding to clap and apologize, as opposed to being cut short by dairy and fruit products flying through the air. Most middle to high school kids HAVE learned hubris, right Lynn?

  19. Dono
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    Isn’t Jeffy old enough not to throw a tantrum at the barber shop? Get the paddle, Bil!

  20. PeteMoss
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    GT – …And you nickname isn’t really “Clambake,” is it? It’s “Mr. McFeely.”

  21. Pozzo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    See, Crankshaft’s car had been running with the headlights on for so long that they’re wearing out and the light has started to droop, and…nope, there’s no way I can make this make sense.

  22. PeteMoss
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    84. Trilobite yesterthread: “Mary’s sudden arrival spoils the tiny evil homunculus’s plans, because she is of course the biggest boner-killer in all of California.”

    Nothing to add, here. Just felt compelled to repeat it.

    Heeheehee, heeheehee, heehee, hee!

  23. Darkefang
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Monday’s comics:

    A3G: I just hope we get to see when Margo goes to harass comatose Luanne when it’s her night to cook.

    FC: I don’t have a clue what the joke is in today’s strip, but I do see that PJ is happily taking advantage of Jeffy’s distraction for a quick boob grab. A commendable effort, PJ. Unfortunately, that’s your mom.

    Foob: Mason, the potential love interest, is a drunk. Hooray! With any luck, we’ll get to see a “special” attendee – whose learning disabilities stem from a particularly nasty case of athlete’s foot – stand on a table and harangue the wedding party about the dangers of alcohol abuse.

    FW: Too bad Batiuk spoiled his own surprise already. Otherwise, today’s strip might be surprising.

    GT: Maybe it’s just me, but I think Clambake has a moustache today and his chin has disappeared. Is his face morphing like the people in the Michael Jackson video “Black or White”? If it is, that would be appropriate since none of us can really tell if he’s supposed to be a black guy or a white guy.

    MT: Really, Mark? If someone brought a bunch of ducks to the airport to release while you were flying overhead, you think they might have used a truck to transport them? Brilliant! You’ve outwitted Dr. “Buzzard” Moriarity yet again, sir!

    MW: Hey, Dr. Jeff Jr., I know you’re happy and all about getting boring Vera’s phone number, but how about getting your crotch out of the potato chips? Poor Billy is about to be traumatized when he sees what he grabbed out of the bowl.

    Phantom: The only noise I’m hearing is your cakehole flapping, Ghost-With-Striped-Ass.

    Popeye: The cast of Popeye are supposed to be rural? Aren’t ports generally located near populated areas?

    RMMD: If I were Niki, I’d be a little concerned about what Rex is planning on doing with that giant rectal thermometer. Also, despite what Rex told him, the Big Brother organization’s acronym is not “NAMBLA.”

    SF: Dialogue in Slylock Fox? Is this a new thing?

    SM: Is there anything in a Spider-Man plot that doesn’t revolve around television? I can’t wait for tomorrow’s strip, where the Green Goblin has to decide whether to watch the Maria Lopez Show or Iron Chef.

  24. PeteMoss
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Everybody calls me “Crabcakes.”

  25. Snozzz
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Ruthie means that she was cold at the campground and walked over to the bathroom/shower shack with her sleeping bag wrapped around her.

    She’s my favorite comic strip kid so I like to give her the benefit of doubt.

  26. Pozzo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    I guess after a week in which he called Ringo “George” and then followed up with an interview with Paris Hilton, Larry King has wisely ditched his own show for JJJ’s lower-profile one.

  27. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    Well, now that I see the B&W version of FBOFW, I can really appreciate the snarks about Mason’s appearance. I think he looks like Abraham Lincoln, too. So, what’s Lynn saying here? That Anthony is better than Abe? Maybe this is a back-handed Canada Day insult to the good old US of A.

  28. Professor Fate
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    FW: It’s offical, Lisa’s wormfood. God I hate this damn strip.

    FOOB: I think Maosn has the right idea – if I ever had to deal with a patterson drinking myself into oblivion would my first choice followed by massive drug use and/or faking my death.

    Of course you know this is leading up to the ulitmate horror – the dance where Granthony and lizard breath fall in love and we all lose the will to live while vomiting. Mark my words by the end of this horror we will be envying Lisa’s fate.

  29. ElSanto
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    My God, everything happening in Gil Thorp for the past several months has been full of WIN: the Tyler head stabbing, the girls’ softball headshaving incident, and now the Clambake reveal. If they keep this up, I’ll have to be carted off to the mental home.

  30. Lost in Erehwon
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    The missing fourth panel of A3G: “…it wasn’t my night to turn off the Carbon Monoxide machine, either. Is everything my fault around here?”

  31. Rhekarid
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    I think Popeye’s plan is to weird out that goon until he leaves town, since I don’t know why else you would arch your back so unnaturally to lean your face in incredibly close for an examination of a threateningly-waved switchblade.

    That odd splotch of red above Niki’s fingers makes it look like he’s delicately clutching a tiny red flower that Rex just gave him. Oh, to be young and in love, capable of becoming prettier and blonder as the situation warrants.

    Either Slylock possesses some kind of teleportation device to get him anywhere he wants in 20 seconds, or Cassandra Cat has been lingering at the scene of the crime ogling her ring for the past half hour.

    As a sidenote of bitterness toward FOOB’s little lecture a few days ago, either Lynn Johnston never went to school or things are very, very different in Canada. In real life that girl with the speech impediment wouldn’t have gotten an applause; she’d have been stoned to death before she even finished.

  32. The Divine O’F
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    Welcome back, Josh! You’re posting too fast for me to catch up. Congrats to the Float-riders, and …

    Squid Countess: Skip the next paragraph.

    Obelix, Stinky Pete, Ah Clem, and whoever else: maybe in deference to Squid Countess we ought to take the Xword stuff to the discussion forums. Also because it would be easier to find it all in one place. I’m okay with you mentioning clues now, by the way. It turned out to be really easy, which I guess you guys noticed also. Anyway, I finished it during the evening news last night, but I have questions about a couple of the answers.

    Yesterthread Trotzenbonnie: I decided to accept the Peggy Guggenheim role about six weeks ago. It takes a lot of pressure off. No need to outsnark the great snarkers, and gratifying to give Credit where Credit is Due.

    Speaking of which, your rant about FW was excellent. Although I have remained a fan of this strip, and may be again in the future, I agree that it is needlessly cruel to make us watch Lisa die. If we knew there was some hope–say, a bone marrow transplant that will work, it wouldn’t be so bad. IMHO.

    Yesterthread Old Bean: OMG. It’s so perfect. I wish you were taking over the strip.

    Yesterthread Dingo: Your pornographic Jamus rant totally cracked me up. And I mean that in a good, but non-pornographic way.

  33. teenchy
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    #2: I was thinking Mason had morphed into a young Walter Brennan, myself. Perhaps he’s been stung by a dead bee.

  34. PeteMoss
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    ….Then in nineteen naughty-twelve, we started the historic Belgian-American Diving & Javelin Team, inspite of all the hardships against our people. I was on the road with the Tulsa Truffles for four years. Exciting times, it was!

  35. Little A.
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    FOOB: I’m glad my new reading glasses are working well, although two of youse have beat me to the punch (no play on words intended here) — I also think that that drunken guy on the table, Mason, who for sure will toss his cookies all over his tux as soon as he wakes up– looks like Abe Lincoln!

    Just when you think that Lynn can’t top herself, or bottom herself, she proceeds to out-grotesque herself!

    Maybe she’s on medication of some sort. Also I remember that Mason had a sort of crew-cut style hair cut a few weeks ago at the beginning of the wedding celebration. The reason he has chin whiskers now is, the wedding has been going on for a couple of weeks, and he hasn’t had a chance to shave.

    I’m kind of surprised that Shawna-Marie’s parents didn’t hire For Evah and Eva as the musical entertainment for the party, along witht their fartolizer. This would have been a nice and appropriate touch, just the right touch.

    On the opther hand, maybe Anthony put something in Mason’s drink. All’s fair in love and war.

  36. commodorejohn
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    Oh, I see where everyone’s going with the Abraham Lincoln comparisons, though I think what they’re seeing as the beard is actually the darkened interior of his collar.

    You say potato, I say potahto, you say Abraham Lincoln, I say Alan Rickman.

  37. The Divine O’F
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    And… the new New Yorker contest is up at http://www.cartoonbank.com/CapContest/CaptionContest.aspx?affiliate=ny-caption

    The one from last week’s three finalists are:
    http://www.cartoonbank.com/CapContest/CaptionContest.aspx?tab=vote&affiliate=ny-caption

    There is one about a “thongbird;” is that one of ours?

  38. Dono
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    I remember the Crankshaft drooping headlights gag from an old Archie comic book 40 years ago: Jughead holds up a flashlight and says “Hey, Arch, I think the batteries in this flashlight are weak.” Archie says “What makes you think that?” Then Jughead turns on the flashlight and the beam goes up for a bit and then droops in an arc down to the ground.

  39. Brent
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    The Flagston kids in “Hi & Lois” on Sunday worried about Ridgeville’s premature explosion of fireworks without coming to the more logical conclusion that Ridgeville is in Canada. Obviously the parents are keeping their spawn (in particular that evil teenager Chip) in the dark about a place where you can legally get drunk and go to strip bars when you’re 19.

  40. Dingo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    Well, damn. You write something and then Josh immediately posts a new thread. I’m not saying it’s good but I did want people to see this so…
    __________________________________

    It was late at night. The bar had emptied except for the regulars. Josh and his wife were slumped in the booth next to the jukebox, Bacardi Mojitos strewn across the table like leftover bridesmaids at an orgy. AppleGirl was dancing to Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love” even though a Whitesnake song was playing. True Fable was in the corner explaining to Dingo how Woody Allen was wrong: true evil could not be done only if the perpetrator was named Blackie or Pete but instead came from the pen of Lynn Johnston. Jamus the Bartender stood behind the counter, drawing pictures of naked women in the bar salt and occasionally cleaning glasses.

    Just then, the door opened. Twirling in like a modern-day Loretta Young, Vera Shields made her way to the bar followed by Edda from Chickweed Lane and Margo Magee.

    “We’ve heard about you,” Vera cooed in Jamus’ direction. “You’ve been fantasizing about me and talking about women in comics. Well, don’t you think that we can see you on the other side of the fourth wall?”

    Margo gave him a steely look while wiping the fresh blood of an unsuspecting man from her lips. “I’ve seen you, there at the kitchen table, standing over the comics with your robe undone, smelling of Wheat Chex and after shave. You’ve stained me before. STAIN ME NOW.”

    Edda pirouetted past both of them and grabbed onto the bar. “I’ve spent the last two weeks stuck in a story involving a unicorn. Take me! Take me here, on the bar, at this moment. Treat my body like a flock of birds and you, you sir, are the plane.

    The door opened again. A chilly northern wind enveloped the room and a bluish light filled the building. Elizabeth Patterson, drunker than Paula Abdul in an interview, stumbled into the bar. Walking deliberately but cautiously, she made her way to Jamus.

    “I’ve been doomed to Hell.” she cried. “I’ve had short boyfriends, tall boyfriends, white, native… I even had one with two penises that no one knows about. But now — NOW! — I met this cool shapeshifter at a wedding and someone drugged his drink. I think it was the short, fat woman in the Cher dress from 1972 with my high school friend, Anthony. I was gonna have good sex tonight. Good, freakin’ bridesmaid sex. And they had to rush him to the hospital in an ambulance. I know my destiny. It’s been written in stone for a decade. I end up locked in a marriage with Mr. Bland for the rest of my life. My only solace is holding a broomhandle against the washer during a spin cycle filled with tennis shoes and pretending that it’s Howard Bunt making mad, violent love to me. Jamus, fuck me. Fuck me hard, fuck me fast, and fuck me furious. Please!”

    Edda backhanded Liz, sending her to the floor. Momentarily, Edda, Margo, and Liz were rolling around in a mad tussle of gabardine, taffeta, and chiffon. Vera approached the bar.

    “Y’know. Those Cory men are as hairless as Britney Spears’ box. If Moy & Giella want me to spend the rest of my life with one of them, I need a night with a real man first. Let me run my manicured hands through your chest hair while I ride you cowgirl style. Let me smell the limes and the gin and the cigarette ash on your fingers. Let the odors of a man at the end of shift waft into my nostrils. Take me. Take me like a sofa left on a curb with a ‘free’ sign on the cushions. Let every fart I make for the next two weeks reek of your man juices expelled inside me. Do it and I’ll write a jingle for your bar’s radio commercial.”

    Four women. One man. What to do? And it was Canada Day (observed); each commanded her moment of true patriot love.

    Jamus looked around the bar. “Alright,” he said, “everyone out. We’re closing early on Canada Day.” The regulars grumbled but made their way to the door. Now, a quartet of young, budding virgins to the realm of hirsute bartender sex stood before him. Pert, heaving breasts were aimed in his direction like first prize in a charity raffle.

    Jamus placed his bar towel on the counter. “I’ve made my decision,” he said. “I’d have to choose…”

    Name to be filled in by Jamus

  41. 4worse
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    In that last FOOB panel, Mason has suddenly transformed into a leprechaun whose hat has fallen off.

    That’s what drinking a glass of champagne does to you, let that be a lesson to you all.

  42. commodorejohn
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    #31 Rhekarid – Slylock has the ability to “be there too.” Or perhaps “arrive on the scene shortly,” since he didn’t actually stop the robbery.

  43. Moon Mullins
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    “Chief Lind even told me your nickname isn’t really Clam-bake.

    Hello, Crab-lice.”

  44. Jason
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    If Batuik of Funky Winkerbean took over other comic strips, here’s what would happen:

    Garfield – This strip would now chronicle Garfield’s intense struggle with feline leukemia

    Blondie – Dagwood would contract terminal and debilitating diabetes from his eating habits.

    Dilbert – Alice would have to go to Elbonia on business and while she was there civil unrest would break out and she would lose an arm in a car bombing.

    Zits – Pierce would throw a keg party while his parents are out of town and after having his first beer, Jeremy would begin a horrible struggle with alcoholism and substance abuse.

    BC – Wiley would get attacked by a saber toothed tiger and lose his other leg and be confined to a wheelchair.

    Pluggers – Plugger radiation therapy is sticking your head in the microwave.

    Also if Lynn Johnston took over for Peanuts:

    After Lucy pulled the football away from Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown would give a long speech that lasted several strips about how you should pull footballs away from people because that’s mean and then Lucy would apologize and they would hug and be friends.

  45. Lettuce
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    “You’re 71, not 83, and you never played in the Negro leagues.”
    “You knew?”
    “If you’re around my players, it’s my job to know.”
    “Still, it took you a while.”
    “There was a lot to find out.”
    “I mean, I had unfettered access to them for months now. It’s remarkable really.”
    “Well, um, at least we know the truth now.”
    “Not really.”
    “There’s more?”
    “Sure! Everything about me is fraudulent. For example, there actually never were any so-called ‘Negro Leagues” in baseball.”
    “You sure? I saw a documentary.”
    “No, total fabrication. In fact, there are no such thing as negroes.”
    “I’m sure there are. I’ve seen them!”
    “Like UFOs, people see what they want.”
    “What else?”
    “You couldn’t handle it.”
    “It’s my job to handle it.”
    “Okay. Baseball — totally fake. I just made up the game so I could hang out with your team.”
    “That’s crazy, we’ve been playing it for years!”
    “You just think that. In reality you’ve been playing soccer. And poorly at that.”
    “Wow.”
    “And clams? No such thing. They’re really made from fiberglass…”

  46. PeteMoss
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    FBorW – Man, that Mason is slick! Once realizing how incredibly mind-numbing it would be to spend another minute talking to Elizabeth, Queen of Collagen, he’s opted to either drink himself into a stupor or fake his own death in order to avoid listening to her a moment longer. Brilliant! You dodged a butt shapped cannonball there, fella. Now, where’s that Julia? I bet she’s fun!

  47. Windier E. Megatons
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    It’s good to know, based on the last panel of that strip, that the Gil Thorp artist doesn’t like looking at the freakishly-drawn faces of his characters any more than we do.

  48. Groovymarlin
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    FOOB: I think Johnston needs to up her medication. The way people have morphed at this wedding is frightening and yet hilarious. First we had Julia, who started out as a normal woman with a cute haircut, then magically morphed into an obese version of Shannon in a potato sack. Then this Mason guy starts out handsome and dashing, but passes out in the last panel and looks just like Howard the Rapist! WTF?

  49. Rasheed
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    How does Max Mouse reading Granny’s diary help solve the case? Does he really think the thief is her vacation lover from the Summer of ’51?

  50. majolo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    Josh, where did you get that One Big Happy? It’s not the one currently up at the Chronicle… I checked comics.com, only to find they have “One Big Happy Classics” (wth?) and that’s not it either. Perhaps the one you posted from got yanked.

  51. Xenarthral
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    I think the spinach-through-the-pipe trick was done
    several times.

    #9 Tweeks_coffee
    If memory serves kiwi feathers are different from
    other birds’ feathers. If memory serves the
    adjective “furry” is applied to two-thirds of the
    three things definable as kiwis.

    Oh, and Max Mouse never does anything on-panel
    because Slylock Fox is intended for kids (despite
    Cassandra) which prevents him from being the
    psychotic Max Rabbit-imitator he’s supposed to
    be.

    #23 Darkefang
    re: Popeye
    Yes. And I vaguely remember what appeared to be
    a local TV station (unless a herd of Blutos/Bluto
    imitators and “Whatever become of the Blutos?”
    are national news).
    Sea Hag seducing Wimpy happened about then
    as well.

  52. Justafooob
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    Now that Liz has soured on Red Mason Herring, just who is she going to wind up with before the strip goes into statis?

    I can remember no indications of whom she might be interested in and who might be interested in her.

    I wish LJ would make it a little more apparent whom Liz is going to wind up with.

    My money is on Lovey Saltzman in a May-December Lesbian trist.

  53. aquagirl2
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    I think the downward-bending light beams indicate the car’s battery is dying.

  54. AhClem
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    RMMD – Rex had better bring his cell phone along when he takes Starfish-hair boy fishing. That way, if he really does embed the hook in Niki’s eye, he can quickly call a doctor and … wait a minute.

  55. Harry merkin
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    I don’t think Mason is drunk (what drunk ever leaves the bottle upright and booze in the glass), I think he has narcolepsy. Together they can overcome Mason’s no longer hidden sleeping disorder.

  56. majolo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    Please ignore my previous post, as I am an idiot who forgot that June hath 30 days.

  57. Little Guy
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: So, Shannon will climb on top of the wedding table for more speechifying?

  58. BigTed
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    Is that a zoot suit Sweet Oyl’s City Boyfriend is wearing? In any case, it’s always nice when a knife-wielding thug makes the effort to put on a tie.

  59. Blake
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    FW: Snark all you want; I, for one, welcome Lisa’s death like an old friend. Once everyone is killed off, this awful strip will have no choice but to close shop.

    Of course, unfortunately, Batiuk’s cruelty knows no bounds, so he will just “reboot” the strip again (ala 1992) and replace the characters with abstract objects having names like “Cancer”, “Syphilis”, “Rape”, “ADHD”, and “Transgender”. I hear that in year two of the reboot, we discover that Anorexia is the illegitimate daughter of Dyslexia. I hate that tramp Dyslexia.

  60. Jason
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    I just realized that the knife wielding thug in Popeye bears a striking resemblance to Richard Petty.

  61. The Great Ka-Floopa Gush
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    SFx: Things that start with an ‘S’ in that picture. I see a skank, a skinnydipper, a stoner, shit and semen. Oddly enough, it being a very sunny day, the one thing that starts with an S that I don’t see is a shadow.

  62. Hogen Mogen
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    GT: “It’s my job to know!” says one venitian blind to the other.

    Gil, perhaps you could have done a background check before a guy who only wanted to be identified by the name “Clambake” suddenly became your assistant coach. Perhaps you could have looked at the birth date on his application. Perhaps you could have checked out even one single story to make sure that you didn’t offer a job to a totally gay pederast.

    Speaking of totally gay pederasts, Rex Morgan… uh, hey, if gay is your thing, that’s cool. You and “Dr.” Troy, whatever floats your boat. But keep your damn hands to yourself around minors. What, do you think you’ve suddenly been elected to the US Congress?

  63. man behind the curttain
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    RMMD — And while on the fishing trip I imagine the following from Rex::

    “Tell me Niki, do you like gladiator movies?”

    MW — If Doctor Dan thinks he’s smitten with Vera, wait until he meets Von.

  64. AhClem
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    #32 Divine O’F -
    I admit that I’m having a lot of trouble with the puzzle. Maybe it’s because I haven’t done one of these before and don’t have the proper feel for them yet, like I do with the NYT ones. At any rate, I’ve found 3 answers that I’m sure of and maybe a 8 or 9 more that are possibilities.

    I like the idea of taking this to its own separate area in the forums.

  65. TB Tabby
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    I theorize that Cassandra’s still hanging around the crime scene because she’s waiting for her accomplices from the fire deparrtment to get her down. Either that, or she’s hiding out from Big Al Weasel so she doesn’t become a real-life depiction of Walnutwilly’s fanart of her.

    Speaking of which, he’s got another piece of comic strip-related bondage I didn’t notice before. And I thought he couldn’t pick a more obscure comic than Tumbleweeds…

  66. mere cog in the machine
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    FW: If, and only if, Lisa dies, is buried, claws her way out of the grave and stalks the residents of Westview as a baldheaded, flesh-eating zombie, will I then find anything remotely interesting in this contrived vale of tears masquerading as a comic strip.

  67. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    My ideas for the latest NYer caption contest:

    “Have you checked the pH levels lately?”

    “He’s your brother. You tell him ‘no more cannonballs.’”

    “‘It won’t work,’ I said. ‘Our pool’s too small,’ I said. But no. You just had to have your wave machine.”

  68. Eau de Plugger
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    I didn’t think it was possible, but Clambake’s head looks even more penis like today.

    MUST WASH BRAIN…Auuugggh.

    That and Clambake and Pablo Picasso….separated at birth?

  69. Abbey the Wonderdog
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    When did RMMD become schizophrenic and begin to do two story arcs?

    They want to do RMMD, gay wad extraordinare and June Morgan, nurse and arbitrage expert?

    Fence Post Frank, a hungry nation turns its’ eyes to you.

    BARK! BARK! BARK!

  70. reader-who-posts
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    DT: I was in Washington back in February and I saw many cars with “CIA” on the side. Of course I’m dyslexic and it could have said “Taxi”, but I’m pretty sure it said “CIA”. I saw a truck with “Men in Black” on the side, although it may have said “UPS”.

    GT: “Not only do I know that you were never a Negro League player, I also know that you’re registered as a sex offender. Now, do you think you can help Jim with his Knuckler?”

  71. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    In my humble opinion

    New Yorker cartoons: humor :: watching paint dry: entertaining

    I am so far from a New Yorker frame of mind, this is the caption that occured to me:

    “I wish Junior wouldn’t fart in the pool.”

  72. Perky Bird
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    Popeye really must want the Sideburned-Boyfriend to find and kill Wimpy, because he actually names Wimpy as Sweet Oyl’s boyfriend. That’s clearly a speech baloon over his head. If he wanted to keep Wimpy’s identity a secret, he would have thought it to himself.

  73. Hogen Mogen
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    #69 – Abbey – when did Rex start doing two story arcs? When it is time to ditch the current boring one and move on into something equally boring but different and if it involves Rex, definitely gay.

    MW: Pool parties usually transition from one story arc to another. However, this one just seems to be moving from “Vera is becoming an independent woman without any help from Von, Mary or anyone else” to “No woman’s life is complete unless she starts to date a doctor”.

  74. mere cog in the machine
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    NYer: “What delicious irony! Here I am reading about poverty-stricken, disease-ridden little brown people in the “Green” issue of my faux conscience-ridden liberal monthly when I am struck by my own personal tsunami! If I believed in God I would give him (or her) a hearty ‘touche’!”

  75. SecretMargo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    37: DO’F-I don’t think that version of the thongbrid joke is any of ours, or at least none that people aired here. It looks like they just went for the most straightforward, boring version possible, to me.

    And the other two! Ugh! It sounds sourgrapes-y to say, but being dissed as a collective would sting less if the punchlines that made it weren’t so damn baaaaaad.
    You, in particular, became The Divine Miss Robbed Blind, O’F. Your punchline was so much funnier, and even more NYer-y, really, than the bullsaturn that made it (esp. the “dollar” joke –so hacktastic!).

    That said, I like the caption brainstorming as it takes place here; after all, the captions I’ve made up so far I knew had no chance, but if I amuse myself and, by chance, amuse y’all as well, all the better. Besides, if we just keep “pluggin,’” one day we’ll taste glory in the form of an original cartoon to hang next to our walls of TDIETs or just pawn for Thunderbird. I’ll drink a few more stimulants and see what I can come up with for the pool tsunami one today.

    Some cleverboots should indeed, as someone suggested, set up some sort of, um, computerized thingy that would allow CC captions to cycle under the various contest pictures. Then we should just start publishing an alternate version of the whole magazine! We can’t possibly do worse than Roseanne Barr. We just have to make sure to be really drunk while generating the content.

    Speaking of which: here are SecretMargo’s literally drunk 1-3am rantings on today’s comics. I hit the pillow shnozzin’ like a best man shortly afterward, so they’re kind of new to me too this (late) morning. I sure like the word “homunculus” when I’m drunk, huh? Awww, who doesn’t.

  76. Mibbitmaker
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    Above-posted Popeye: When did Ringo Starr become such a bad-ass?

  77. Trilobite
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    Considering how utterly hideous most of the guys in Spider-Man are (Evil Jimmy Olsen, Melty-Face Jonah, etc.), I have to admit that I’m surprised at how much better Larry King looks in the comic than he does in real life.

  78. Harry Worth
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    So next cruise out it will be Dr. Cory and Mary

    and

    DR Drew and Vera

    Until they start to change around partners……

  79. Poteet
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    Foob — I don’t wish to boast, and I can’t take credit for Mason’s sudden drunk-Abe-Lincoln look, but the main reason he’s out like a light is because I beaned him good with one of my doorknobs. In a reception with more intelligent observant people, my costumed sabotage would be more difficult, but Lynn created this weird wedding and the overall IQ is low. I might have spared Mason if he hadn’t instantly and nauseatingly fallen in love with Liz. As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

  80. Bunnë
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    GT: “You’re 71, not 83, and you never played in the Negro Leagues, ‘Clambake’ — if that is your real name.”

  81. Jim Thorp(e)
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    Man,

    Clambake lied about his age, his involvement with the Negro leagues, and he gave the team poor advice.

    Good thing Mark Trail isn’t the coach of the team or he would be delivering a right cross of justice to that bald head.

  82. Anonymous
    July 2nd, 2007 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    Speaking of erectile dysfunction, could the folks at skillcity pants that monkey? Yikes, everytime I load the page I got some simian thrusting his batch at my face. It’s like Hervey Villachez on X.

    I don’t necessarily got a problem with the homoerotic or beastiality overtones, but I draw the line at top hats.

  83. Trilobite
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    Perhaps Mason stole a five-course meal in a stick of gum from Willy Wonka’s factory, and now is turning into a giant Snozzberry. It’s entirely possible that Snozzberries look like Walter Matthau, isn’t it?

  84. Tipsy
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    This whole Clambake thing reminds me of that storyline on ER when Mare Winningham was pretending to be an old man who played in the Negro Leagues.

  85. Bunnë
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    FOOB – I don’t think the point is to vilify Mason here; I think it’s just a clumsy attempt at controlling the sequence of events. Someone needs to start the dance; Mason is conveniently incapacitated, so Liz will have to do it. But she will need a dance partner, since her escort is pickled, or maybe just tuckered out from last night’s meth-fueled rave, whatever, and Anthony will step in as her dashing partner.

    I think I may be confusing wedding traditions with prom traditions, here, but you know, weddings and proms are basically the same. There’s fancy clothing, food, and dancing, and afterwards you go to a hotel and have sex. The rest is just details.

  86. Echo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    #44 Jason: And if Lynn Johnston drew Peanuts, Lucy, being “mean”, would become hideously ugly. While Peppermint Patty, being “nice”, would get lips the size of hot air balloons. Also, Charlie Brown would grow a lovely mop of hair, and the red-headed girl would go around kicking puppies, as well as becoming short, fat, and horribly dressed.

    Is there an adult on this planet besides Lynn Johnston who thinks “not perfectly attractive” = “evil”? Ugh.

    When I first read Rex Morgan, I did not think the equipment was for fishing. Then I thought, “oh, that explains it.”

  87. insolenttomato
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    Leave it to Josh, King-Pope and Prince-Bishop of the Curmudgeons, to segue more or less seamlessly from a discussion of Turkmenbashi to penis-humour.

    Reason number 327b why this site is topmost in my rotation of “sites to frantically F5 rather than go to the gym.”

  88. Mibbitmaker
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    In GT, Clambake is a fraud.

    In FOOB, the plot device Mason, who I never liked in the first place, is being totally maimed and obliterated by Lynn, just to hasten the dreaded FOOBocalypse.

    In FW, the manipulatively maudlin morbid moribundity goes into high gear.

    In A3G, Margo doesn’t care if her blonde roommate dies.

    In the Lockhorns…. just… being Lockhorns.

    In Cathy… this strip continues to exist.

    In M—
    OW!!

    My soul hurts.

  89. Wellsey
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    We’re back at the FOOB wedding? How did that happen? Canadians must have some different form of weddings. The weddings I go to occur in about a 4-6 hour time span. April had time to finish the school year out, reconcile with her boyfriend, and listen to the longest speech with the fewest words in the history of mankind while this ridiculous wedding is still going on! Just kick the best man in the nuts and get on with your life Liz. Quit yanking us around, we’re not budging.

    Teaching kids to throw knuckleballs should’ve been your first clue this guy was bad news, Coach Thorp! But no, I’ll just let this suspicious lying character who likes to hang around young boys stick around til someone says anything. Glad I’m not a Milford student, what a dysfunctional school.

  90. Anonymous
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    If Rusty is using Mark to learn about attracting a mate, he’s going to wind up with “one big claw” too.

  91. Dennis Jimenez
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    87 – I’m betting whatever Rex shows Niki will be wearing a helmet, but given Elrod’s penchant for wildlife art, I’m betting MT sports an anteater.

  92. SecretMargo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    84: Tipsy: for some reason, this strikes me as so very funny that I giggle every time I scroll past it. Kudos.

  93. Mibbitmaker
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    Next in Gil Thorp:

    Clambake: “See, Gil, the truth is, I actually died the day before I arrived at your team.”

    Gil: “But th-that’s impossible!!

    Clambake: “Sorry if I caused any trouble. Bye, Coach Thorp…”

    (Clambake floats into the air, slowly fading away)

    Gil (looking at reader, wide-eyed and dazed, for a Silent Penultimate Panel, the same in the last panel): “Wow. He really was a ‘Magic Negro’!”

  94. orthoclase
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    so she hasn’t eaten in nearly 48 hours. Naturally she’s a little irritable

    There’s a word for this: hangry. I use it frequently.

  95. Obélix
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    #32 – O’F – ‘S okay with me. Wanna start a Cryptic Crossword thread in the Cardinals’ Lounge section of the forums? (Respectfully touching forelock and begging Squid Countess’ indulgence for this flagrantly off-topic post, which may cost 4.3 irretrievable seconds from her life.)

  96. uncle balustrade
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    Popeye seems to be mellowing quite a bit. If this were a Sunday comic from the thirties, Segar would have the opening insult “Hey, country rube…” in the first panel followed by ten to twenty panels of Popeye beating the hell out of the guy while yelling things like “Avast, ya swab! This’ll learn ya to insulk me! I’ll blow ya down, ya lumakick!”

  97. Mibbitmaker
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    FC: Jeffy the Haircut Hater is really pissed off now! He’s ready for another pet killing!!

    Meanwhile, his barber flunked therapy and went on a customer killing spree. Each victim was heard to say the same thing: “But my name ISN’T “JEFFY”…???

    After trying to stop the madness by faking haircuts with a tape recording of snipping and conversation, the barber driven mad by Jeffy Keane decided to become…. a lumberjack!

  98. stinky pete
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    32 TD O’F: If I knew how to “take the Xword stuff to the discussion forums” that would be fine – is that like taking it to the Bucket? Do we know each other well enough for that? And what of our spouses? This is so sudden….

    More to the point, as Squid Countess herself noted, there are many, many off-topic comments here, especially late in a long thread – do we need to start prefacing them with **BOOK POST**, **MOVIE POST**, **POST ABOUT WHATEVER THE HELL RED GREENBACK IS TALKING ABOUT** (I kid because I love, RGB), etc.? I don’t think anybody, even royalty, should be able to shut down a topic that 6 or 8 people are talking about because it offends their sensibilities (and exactly how offensive can a crossword puzzle be? Methinks the lady doth protest too much). End rant.

    That being said, however, if we are going to be regularly working the sunday times xword, we should probably just do it by email.

  99. Jamus The Bartender
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    160. Yesterthread.
    Okay, Liz and Edda…here’s your cheerleader costumes…Vera, here’s a nice little sheer, wafty, Heaven’s Gate cult number for you, and Margo….it’s a french maid’s outfit for you. There’s a pile of grapes, start peeling.
    Choose?
    I don’t think so* grins*
    Story of my life.

  100. Jamus The Bartender
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    160. Yesterthread again.
    I laughed out loud at that one Dingo…thanks again man.

  101. The Great Ka-Floopa Gush
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: What’s with the skunk stripe down the middle of RMMD’s head? And how did Nicki’s hair change from yellow to orange?

  102. Wally LimpingBean
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    How come the Dr. isn’t yucking it up with Les and Death Girl? I mean, she misdiagnosed the whole thing and got a bunch of laughs with the other patient, why isn’t she being Patch Adams with the Moores?

    Realistically, if you were told by a Doctor that your cancer was in remission only to be told a couple of months later that, ooopsy, we made a mistake, would you go back to that doctor?

    Especially being a lawyer and having litigation pending?

  103. The Divine O’F
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    64 Ah Clem and also Obelix and Stinky Pete: I have started a thread in the forums for the London Sunday Times Crossword. It’s under the name O’Fogeyette, it’s in the Cardinal’s Lounge, and it’s titled “Cryptic Puzzles.” Please join me there.

    67 Spider Brick: I think all your captions are brilliant. I’d be more than proud to submit any of them under my name. Just tell me which you want me to have.

    68 Secret Margo: If you weren’t gay and I weren’t married I would be in love with you. Thanks for the props for my caption that was sort of similar to but way better than #2 (which I will vote for), and I did read and enjoy your drunken ranting from yesterthread when I first read it. Only I didn’t know you were drunk. Maybe my snark would be better if I went back to getting drunk. Anyway, good rants! I especially liked your modern dance story and the cancer NAMBLA thing.

  104. Josh
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    #98 stinky pete –

    By the discussion forums, O’F means The Comics Curmudgeon Community, a little corner of this site dedicated to more long-form, topic-focused discussions than is possible on the main site. You’ll need to e-mail me to get a forum login and then you can participate.

    Josh

  105. McManx
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    GT — “Hello, Clambake; I’m Chris Hanson from MSNBC. We’ve been following your dialog with those 13 year old boys down at the school…”

  106. PeteMoss
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    I like to refer to myself as MsMoss’ City Spouse and if someone questions me about it, I call ‘em a rube!

  107. The Divine O’F
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    98 Stinky Pete: I just read your comment, and it makes sense to me that we should indeed probably do it by email. Easier than checking the forums all the time; just each of us make a mailing list for the four of us and anyone else who wants to join. Maybe, since Obelix has you guys’ emails already I can just send him mine by private message on the Forum, and he can start the ball rolling. What say ye?

  108. Johnny Q
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    SPIDER-MAN: All you need to know about Larry King can be seen in his promo for an upcoming 1996 show: “Ronald Reagan’s 85th birthday–join the celebration!” (And no, Republicans, that is NOT all you need to know about Reagan.)

    A3G: IMHO, they’re deliberately going for camp.

  109. Islamorada Girl
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    Actually, I think Mason is collapsed head down on the table because Elly shot him before he could become a serious thread to her dream of LimpthonyandLiz. Elly does have serious control issues, as we know.

    I don’t know about Canada, but down here, the bride and groom start the first dance, the father of the bride cuts in, the groom dances with his mother, and so on and so on until everyone’s on the floor or, like poor Mason, passed out. I’ve planned some weddings in m time, but the groomsman has never started the dancing in any of them. Usually, they’re too busy getting drunk and falling into the chocolate fountain.

  110. dreadedcandiru2
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    Foob: We’ve disposed of April-as-primary-character and now it’s Lizardbreath’s turn. I hope she learns to love her basement cage.

  111. Perky Bird
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    GT– The “outing” of Clambake continues:
    “And I bet you’ve never even been to a clambake, either, old man! You’re probably even allergic to shellfish!”

  112. mere cog in the machine
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    Mmmmmm…..chocolate fountain.

  113. Applemask
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    A: Because Cassandra Cat is RIGHT THERE WITH A DIAMOND THE SIZE OF MICKEY ROONEY’S HEAD ON HER FINGER, GENIUS! Jesus Christ, get your head in the game!

  114. Splinky
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    It dawned on me that if you changed the punctuation in the FOOB toast, you’d get a fitting pronouncement for Anthony’s eventual nuptuals: “You married a beautiful girl-man!”

  115. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    Any thread on any subject can be related to a comic. You just have to choose the right one.

    For example: is your topic incomprehensible and vaguely sports-related? (DT)GT. Is it interminable, boring, and hamfistedly closeted? RMMD. Is it self-righteous, insensitive, and Canadian? FOOB. Does it have more words than drawing but no real point? The last several months (years? decades?) of 9CL.

  116. Non Compost Mentos
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    Deathy CancerCancer: In a surprise turn of events, a badly-drawn Michael Moore (perhaps wearing a Westview Scapegoats cap) learns of Lisa’s travails with the HMO and the incompetent oncologist. He films it as a featurette for the Sicko DVD. Lisa dies anyway.

    After a long period of grieving, Les somehow finds the strength to smirk again.

  117. camille-martine
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    that car is crying for itself.

  118. Justafoob
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    I think that Lynn is playing around with a roving stasis field now. The wedding goes stiff while Shan…non goes into her diatribe. Next, Mike will be shown standing there like a statue while his house burns to the ground.

    Oooops, he already did that.

  119. Timothy Burke
    July 2nd, 2007 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    Speaking of morphing at the FOOB wedding, I was thinking for a minute that the people giving toasts in the first three panels were different people, but the guys in panel 1 and panel 3 look almost identical except for their race. Considering that Shawna-Marie herself has magically become an Afro-Canadian since her first appearance, maybe this is part of the strange bodily distortion field that also turned Julia into a dumpy midget and Mason into a misshapen old man.

  120. bats :[
    July 2nd, 2007 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    68. I thought Clambake was looking kind of Yoda-esque, providing Yoda’s ears had been ripped off in an unfortunate lightsaber accident.

    On the FOOB side: Mason isn’t drunk, dead, or impersonating Abe Lincoln. The guy is just plain exhausted from hauling Liz and her Fat Ass ™ all over the reception so she doesn’t get her pumps-dyed-to-match-her-bridesmaid-sack dirty…

  121. Mel
    July 2nd, 2007 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Brick: NYer captions
    1. “I told you, it happens everytime the Johnson’s flush their toilet!”
    2. “Would you stop throwing Viagra into the pool?!”
    3. “Must be a full moon tonight.”
    4. “‘No simple water feature for you, oh no, you have to be Mr. Excitement.”

  122. Non Compost Mentos
    July 2nd, 2007 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    New Yorker Caption: “OK, fine, you were right. We shouldn’t have built the pool over an ancient surfer burial ground.”

  123. Ghost Riders in the Foob
    July 2nd, 2007 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    Just back from my weekend, and I gotta say, Old Bean, your Shan…non arc was completely awesome. Only thing better would have been if Crankshaft was driving the bus.

  124. Jamus The Bartender
    July 2nd, 2007 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Okay….why is Liz trying to wake up Harvey Pekar from American Splendor and why is she calling him Mason?

  125. UncleJeff
    July 2nd, 2007 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    FBOFW: Seeing as we have a few more weeks
    before the FOOBocalypse, I think Mason R. Herring’s alcoholic/narcoleptic demise is just the start of a Michael Corleone-style “settling the family’s business” killings by Lynn. Next to go: the helicopter pilot, to be killed while flying at the entrance of a train tunnel. Then policeman Paul, humiliated at a tribal inquest hearing and shot with his own service revolver by a suspect. Stay away from revolving doors past suitors-of-Liz. Last scene, Granthony putting on a fedora and muttering “it’s not personal.”

  126. JonboyDC
    July 2nd, 2007 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    #89 — You don’t understand, this was one of those weekday morning weddings the Canadians are so famous for. Those Loonies are off the hook with the partying. (And Mason’s not drunk — he’s just tuckered out because it’s almost time for his afternoon nap.)

  127. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 2nd, 2007 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    Re: Saturday’s Popeye (above)…
    “City boyfriend” = comics-page euphemism for “pimp.”

  128. Mack
    July 2nd, 2007 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    Re: Popeye reruns.

    I have never read Popeye continuously, as God only knows what papers actually publish that strip, but that particular example appears to be signed by Bud Sagendorf (sp?), who has been dead for a number of years. Unless he had a really huge backlog of strips or someone is ghosting under his name (I don’t know why they would, since he wasn’t the original creator), it’s a rerun.

  129. slash
    July 2nd, 2007 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: The Granthony storyline reminds me of our government’s policy on torture. Like our “extreme measures,” Granthony doesn’t seem awful when you compare him to the parade of losers Liz encounters (or so Lynn whatsherface wants us to think). So, to sum up: Granthony is like waterboarding or a “cold room.” Not so bad when you compare him to death camps and beheading.

  130. AT
    July 2nd, 2007 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    I think the important lesson that Hugh has taught us is: a cheap wine is made great by getting absolutely smashed on it.

    Thanks Hugh.

  131. Widdle Jeffy
    July 2nd, 2007 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    Gosh, if Jeffy is such a bastard at the barber shop at his age, can you imagine what he was like when he was widdle?

    Jeffy is at the age when if he acts up in public, you smack him, HARD, across the face and tell him to shut the fuck up and behave.

    Don’t like getting your hair cut, Jeffy, tough shit. You get it to the length Bill and Thel want until you are 18 and can leave the house.

  132. SecretMargo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    17: Rainbird — Your comment is right on, and reminds me of when I would go to clubs with a lesbian friend of mine who, in her mid-twenties, looked and dressed exactly like a 12-year-old boy (freckles, baseball cap, etc. — total Clambait, if you will). Her favourite thing to do was wait for skeevy gay guys to hit on her and then tell them “I’m a girl, and you’re a pedophile,” but not before she’d get them to buy her and me (as her friend) a few drinks. In other words, she was the best kind of friend, and I can only hope she’s now guest-starring in RMMD.

  133. MossMoses
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    Just as adolescent kids nowadays use the contraction of the word and to an’, as in “Gerald knocked me up an’ I don’t know what to tell Mom an’ Dad”, twenty somethings use “gotta” frequently to mean “must”, as in, “I gotta tell ya”. Thank you Lynn Johnston for this lesson in “an’ a gotta davida” pop culture. Can Shan…on’s telethon possibly be any duller than the Yawna Marie snoozefest?

    MiniMe in Mary Worth today looks like a defective product of the Pleazall Plastic Company’s line of adult children. Rusty may have come off the same assembly line.

    Let’s see, Abbey just blew 2.5 mil on a flat that Aunt Rachel had already promised to Neddy and now Sam “Device” Driver is sweating a few grand they invested in some stupid winery. Dollar foolish – penny wise. Is it day 2 already?

  134. Ten Day Dinosaur
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    I’m blaming Anthony for this travesty (well, okay, it’s the formerly esteemed cartoonist’s fault, but that’s neither here nor there), as we’ve had no depictions of Mason as a) a drunkard or b) being run ragged with this whole Master of Ceremonies dealy-bobber to the point of dropping like a lemming tied to an anvil at the first chance of blessed rest. Specifically, I’m assuming Anthony brought roofies to a wedding.

    Either that or Mason is playing dead, hoping Liz will lose interest eventually.

  135. Poteet
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    # 2 — Calico, I agree with you re the oncology clinic. And thanks for the sympathy re my cat.

    # 5 — HAR! Sir Fable MTK, that’s funny regardless of panel number. And thanks for your kind cat sympathy.

  136. Big Sims
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    One of the qualities (and I use the term loosely) touted by the Foobacolytes is the ageing in real time. I’m confused as to how this is done. On the FBoFW site there is a post by someone else who shares this confusion, the Foob poster sites dates and times and points out inaccuracies in a style reminiscent of the most anal HR guy picking through my resume (“How could you have both worked AND been unemployed in March of ’93?”). Are the characters are ageing in real time, but just moving really slowly and taking Sunday breaks for yard sales and kiddy pool antics? Mason’s passing out at a four week wedding and Shannon’s ellipses bear this out, she made a speech which needed to last at least three days. Or, as I suspect, do these events just happen, and get drawn out for dramatic effect and punch line setup? (Again, I employ the terms like ‘dramatic’ and ‘punch line’ very very loosely.) Then what are the other characters doing ‘off camera’? Changing costume, steeling themselves for another bout of painful dialogue, or begging their agent to “please God, please get me another gig, I’ll even die of cancer over at Funky or walk on to Crankshaft.”?
    Lynn ought to just pick an arbitrary window of time, say 11:58AM – 12:03 AM Canadian Central Mountain Coast Time (or whatever the hell they use up there), one of her characters, and some ‘real time’ activity, and build her strip. It couldn’t be any less interesting than it is now. But that does create the contingency, albeit remote, of seeing Elly going to the bathroom. And even just the thought of Ma Patterson dangling her lady parts over the toilet is one that frankly I am unable to cope with, much less willing to see.

  137. Poteet
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    # 27 — Brown-eyed Girl, belated thanks for your warning re PIBGORN a few posts ago. Because of it, I was at least a little prepared for what seems to be a storyline about a character who deliberately stepped in what he thought was excrement. (I’m beginning to seriously wonder about Brooke’s mental state.) And thanks also for the nice cat words

  138. Robert Whitaker Sirignano
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    Question for all: WHEN did FOR BETTER OR WORSE jump the paper shark?

  139. Poteet
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    # 5 — Sir Fable MTK, belated thanks also for the great goat photos. I hadn’t realized how appealing and soothing goat photos can be:-).

  140. Poteet
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    # 32 — Divine O’F (I love your new name), that was a wonderful link you posted about pets. Thank you. I’m going to share it. And I’m not looking forward to watching Lisa’s demise either.

  141. reader-who-posts
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    138 – I’ve never understood this – occasionally people post on how much worse the strip has gotten over time, but it’s always been a pile of elephant crap to me.

  142. B
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    138: I remember back in my youth when FOOB seemed to be funny and relevant, but now I think that was just because I was young and easily impressed, as I also liked Garfield and Archie back then.

  143. Dennis Jimenez
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    FC – I think Jeffy missed his Ritalin today. Of course, I think everyone in FC could benefit from massive doses of drugs.

  144. Anomaly
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    Why does the car light in Crankshaft look like it was added with MS Paint or something? Did they forget to draw it, and just added it at the last minute?

  145. Rocky Jones
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: “You’re 71, not 83, and you never played in the Negro Leagues. In fact, you’re not even black.”

  146. Perky Bird
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail-

    “Work it like a claw and call me, Rusty!”

    Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

  147. Hobbes
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    Regarding Sunday’s RMMD: If you look at the last two panels, you’ll notice that Nikki’s hair changes color from blonde to autumn leaf orange. It’s as if he’s already planning his daring escape from Rex’s thinly-veiled homosexual clutches.

  148. Modo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    I’m just entertained by the fact that Lost Forest is evidently 50 feet from the ocean.

  149. commodorejohn
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    #136 Big Sims – They age in discrete age categories, like in D&D. April turns sixteen and suddenly she’s got a +3 to Seduce, Liz hits her mid-twenties and suddenly turns into Elly, gaining a Discredit Suitor feat in the process.

    #138 Robert Whitaker Sirignano – Most people pinpoint the shark-jumping moment at Farley’s death. I was too young to care about soap strips back then, so I’m not sure, but I’d be willing to bet they’re right.

  150. Rocky Jones
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    #147 Hobbes: Ha, yeah! Niki’s hair alert went from “elevated” to “high.”

  151. Benicillin
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    Uhhh, Detective Thorp, there’s another reason he never played in the Negro league…he’s white. Were Rubin & McLaughlin so afraid of illustrating a black man that they just decided to draw John Malkovich? That said, I do appreciate the final panel of “Gil Thorp” panning out to the flower bed, as if each petal of each bloom a silent witness to the awful lies that have torn both men’s souls asunder. Every time I find myself criticizing “Thorp,” they blindside me with true art.

  152. Eleusis
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    What Tommie fails to understand is that Margo is on another level from the plebeians who suffer carbon monoxide poisoning. Why, Margo’s very -veins- are filled with toxic gases! Anyone who succumbs to some silly miasma is clearly no concern of hers.

  153. Chat Noir
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    A3G — You also have to put into perspective the fact that a little carbon monoxide poisoning isn’t really going to worsen Lu Ann’s mental faculties, given her normal functioning level. However, a hungry Margo is akin to a Tyrannosaurus Rex with low blood sugar stuck at a salad bar.

  154. Benicillin
    July 2nd, 2007 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    #138: I gotta agree with #141. I started reading FBOFW when it began in the Tribune decades ago…my older brother liked it, I couldn’t stand it. He tried to convince me of it’s merit for years, but now he denies ever liking it. It was never good, ever. For those of you who used to like it, admit that it was you who changed, and go into recovery. For those of you who still like it, hang yourself and do not reproduce. You caused the war in Iraq. For those of us who never did like FBOFW, REDEMPTION. So when did they “jump the shark”…you gotta be a good show to get Fonzie on a motorbike in the first place.

  155. Islamorada Girl
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    I always suspected Lincoln was shot by Lynn Wilkes Johnston.
    Now I know.

  156. PeteMoss
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    Snozzz

  157. Harry Paratestes
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    Another FC parody, it’s SFW in spite of the link
    http://forge.evula.net/fc/fc_goatse.jpg
    I can’ t even imagine Jeffy trying it out…

  158. Uncle Lumpy
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    #154 Benicillin

    . . . you gotta be a good show to get Fonzie on a motorbike in the first place.

    Waterskis, no?

  159. The Divine O’F
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    I just wanna say… about Mewedith’s lips…. she always had big lips, even as an infant. I always assumed it was to show that she had inherited her mother’s full lips. I didn’t notice that the lips had grown bigger, but I wouldn’t doubt it.

  160. Harry Paratestes
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    UL
    I had read that it was Fonzie on waterskis, clad in his leather jacket. Ugh.

  161. PeteMoss
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    I thought it was Fonzie on a Zamoboni.

  162. The Divine O’F
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    122 Non Compos–I like your caption! Enter it!

    140 Poteet: Glad you found the chapter comforting. Thanks for letting me know.

  163. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    SecretMargo @ 132: I move that we officially add the term “Clambait (n.) An attractive juvenile male” to the lexicon.

  164. Harry Paratestes
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    Divine O’F
    Perhaps little Meredith’s lips will grow to 24x those of a normal human’s, and she’ll go through life with ‘Kielbasa Lips’.

  165. Benicillin
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    Lumpy…you’re right. I guess…maybe…in my own way…I jumped the shark too..uhh…

    (footsteps)

    (movement of furniture heard)

    “I’m sorry Lump” a strained voice cries…

    (sound of chair hitting floor)

    (choking sounds)

    (creaky sound of rope swinging from ceiling fixture)

    (a cricket chirps in the distance)

  166. merchmesh
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    The daily Popeye strip has been reprints of Bud Sagendorf stories since 1992, when the then-current artist, former underground cartoonist Bobby London, made a joke referencing Roe vs. Wade that outraged traditionalist fans.

    Oddly enough, London had been given the strip in an effort to make it more contemporary and edgy (a collection of his strips was titled “Mondo Popeye’), but Sagendorf’s deliberately retro approach before that ensured that simply reusing his strips would render them timelessly out-of-touch. The strip has such a small circulation these days that no one seems to notice in any case.

  167. Mel
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    Maybe if it had been Fonzie on Mrs. C…

  168. Harry Paratestes
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    SSB
    What should we call the female of the species? A ‘clamato’?

  169. Benicillin
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    …(Gurgle) Urrkkk….

    gik

    …mmmnnghh…hlp me…hlllp….

    (struggling sounds)

    Lmpy hlp

  170. True Fable
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    #139 Poteet, my queen!

    There are few heartaches that a glimpse of sweet little goats cannot ease at least a little.

  171. PeteMoss
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    170 TF

    MMmmmm! Cabrito!

  172. PeteMoss
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    169
    Benicillin, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Boxcar! Let the damn radiation ease your pain!

  173. Uncle Lumpy
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    #169 Benicillin -

    Ben? Ben, you in there?

    Oh My God!

    [stumble, clamber, cut, cut, cut]

    Ben! Snap out of it Ben!

    [slap, slap, slap]
    [slap, slap, slap]
    [slap, slap, slap]
    [slap, slap, slap]
    [slap, slap, slap]
    [slap, slap, slap]

  174. Dick24
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    #44- That’s just genius. The first thing that has made laugh out loud today.

    “Pluggers – Plugger radiation therapy is sticking your head in the microwave.”

  175. Benicillin
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    gik

  176. Uncle Lumpy
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    Oh Thank God

    Thought we’d lost you there, Ben!

    Never mind — we’re just glad you’re all right.

  177. Uncle Lumpy
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    [slap, slap, slap]
    [slap, slap, slap]
    [slap, slap, slap]
    [slap, slap, slap]
    [slap, slap, slap]
    [slap, slap, slap]

  178. Benicillin
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    (cough)

    Thanks Lump and trusty sidekick Pete.

    It was waterskis, waterskis all along.

    …Goddamn waterskis….

    Face hurts…as if slapped 18 times…but that’s…that’s crazy…

  179. True Fable
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    #148 Modo:

    I’m just entertained by the fact that Lost Forest is evidently 50 feet from the ocean.

    That’s probably why it’s lost.

    #141 & 154: Fellas, at one time Coca-cola was made with real cocaine, too. Today’s FOOB is a prime example of DietCokeBlak w/ lime/cherry/vanilla, all at once. (Otherwise known as “Beverly”, for those of you who have been to the World of Coke.)

  180. Benicillin
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    #163:

    Attractive Juvenile Males tanning at shared community pool: a “clambake.”

    Attractive Juvenile Male with body erotically trapped in basketball hoop: a “clam dunk”

    Attractive Juvenile Male seen at Denny’s: “Moons-Over-My Clammy”

    Attractive Juvenile Male caught in erotic full-nelson: “clamped”

    Attractive Juvenile Male Quickie: “Wham-Bam Thank You Clam”

    Attractive Juvenile Male with English Accent: a “clamelot”

    Attractive Juvenile Male at airport check-in: “Clamsonite”

    …am I waterskiing?

  181. True Fable
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    #171 PeteMoss: Nooooooo!!! Not my lil’ frien’s!

    I’m still in search for a beanie baby goat. Sure, I can order one from E-Bay, but that’s not the point. Hunting the old-fashioned way for odd items like rare plushie goats is like good sex: The hunt should be intriguing and challenging, and the actual claim should be worth all the trouble.

    I have to go to a memorial service now, of someone I didn’t especially like. But he had a good family and they need all the support they can get right now.
    I hate final services, they remind me my time is coming, and I like to keep myself convinced I am eternal.

  182. Sherm
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    Popeye did shove the spinach in his pipe, but he swallowed it after. You don’t smoke spinach; if you want to take it a different way, you shoot it up.

  183. TB Tabby
    July 2nd, 2007 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    And here’s MORE Cassandra bondage!
    As an added bonus, there’s also Greg the Bunny fanart and a Benny Hill homage with Aldo.

  184. Jamus The Bartender
    July 2nd, 2007 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    131. I would have just given him a time-out, WJ. But i’m a wussy, card-carrying liberal. Dick Tracy agrees with you. Plus, given him a screen test.

  185. Mel
    July 2nd, 2007 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    Never mind Benicillin, Uncle Lumpy … who’s turn is it to make Margoing dinner for the rest of us?! Apparently it is not his — honestly, what’s a little rope burn and mild asphyxiation!

  186. Little A.
    July 2nd, 2007 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Snozzz? Snozzz?

    I must disagree with some of you cranky contributors — I think FBOFW was once a good strip. In the Mrs. Dingle days, for instance, she was a good, realized character.

    Jesse was a good character. Rudy was good character. Ruby the candy store lady was a good character.

    I mean by that, characters you could like, that made you laugh sometimes, that didn’t make you want to toss your cookies when they appeared in the adventures.

    I like Weed, too, he, like so many of the others, has been a victim of HOWTHEFUCKCANTHEYSUCCEED-
    SOWELLINSUCHASHORTTIMEANDSOYOUNGITIS, the symptoms of which are, improbable success in life in an improbably short period of time, whether you deserve it or not.

    Anthony never caught the bug, and Liz has been immune so far, but the bug is going around, and they may catch it this summer. There’s no cure for it. Once you catch it, you have it for life (or at least until this coming September).

    Snozzz?

  187. Moon Mullins
    July 2nd, 2007 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    #166: That’s interesting that Popeye was once in the hands of Bobby London. I remember his National Lampoon strip Dirty Duck, which at times was even too filthy for me to stomach (and that’s pretty far). Really amazing they would put a children’s icon like Popeye in the hands of a guy like that; not surprised it didn’t last.

  188. Stephen
    July 2nd, 2007 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    Is this the first appearance of a Hassidic Jew in Popeye?

  189. Jamus The Bartender
    July 2nd, 2007 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    Looks like Benicillin is okay, but we’d better be sure…quick, what’s the number for 911?* rimshot*

  190. sinig
    July 2nd, 2007 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: How on earth could Hugh become drunk on what could be, at the most, a glass and a half of wine? Unless June or Heather know how to turn air into wine, there’s four full glasses of wine to an ordinary bottle. Hugh, being a Brit who can tell the difference between wine and paint stripper to the point where he even recognises a ‘pedestrian’ wine ought to have a much higher tolerance than that, even with the jet leg.

    A3G: The word ‘cook’ has a different meaning when Margo says it, of course. She means that because Eric Mills is away and LuAnn is ‘indisposed’, she hasn’t been getting any lately and she’s expecting Tommie to take up the slack.

    MW: If it were anyone but Vera, I would say she was aiming to hook up with a doctor so as to have the best chance of knocking off her brother and making it look like an accident. But it is Vera, so she probably thinks that if their thought balloons touch, that’s what sex is.

    FBOFW: Has anyone noticed how Mason’s hair changes from one panel to the next. In the second panel, he appears to have a normal head of hair but by the third panel his hair is receding. Also, his ear has become somewhat pointy. Now all he needs to do is shrink and Lizanthony can set him out as a garden gnome in their front garden.

  191. sinig
    July 2nd, 2007 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    #190: Sorry, I meant in the fourth and fifth panels. I’m up too late.

  192. Benicillin
    July 2nd, 2007 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    (cough)

  193. Kip W
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:13 pm [Reply]

    Your mental image of Popeye smoking spinach probably comes from MAD Magazine, some time in the 70s in an article with a title like “If the Comics tackled Important Issues.” I think Bob Clarke drew it. The last panel has Wimpy showing Olive the terrible truth: Popeye has taken to (say it with me) smoking spinach.

    He’s probably been smoking it for years, if not decades. No doubt he puffs on the pipe and then hallucinates that his arm is turning into a cannon and beating the hell out of Bluto. (After all, he’s Freewheelin’ Franklin Freak’s father, you know.)

  194. Jamus The Bartender
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    188. Hardly. There was Mr Geezil, the shoe cobbler, who used to “gobble all the shoes”. He also hated Wimpy. Not just a little either. Weekly episodes would deal with Geezil trying to murder Wimpy. MURDER him. It was funnier back in the thirties. He had a long beard. I think he was in the Popeye movie, too.

  195. The Divine O’F
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    Spider Brick:

    It seems so long ago, but I think I asked if I could submit one of your captions for the New Yorker contest. I got nothing on my own. Whattaya say, big fella?

    Also, everyone else: I am disheartened by the 110 plus temps and have decided to knock it off early and have an ice cream pop while watching what passes for the news.

    Till tomorrow, then!

  196. The Divine O’F
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    Or maybe it was someone else. Crap. I can’t think with all this heat.

  197. Kronkina
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:29 pm [Reply]

    Apropos to nothing: I like to pronouce Popeye sort of like Pie-pie (I’m from Texas, yee haw gosh darn it). My husband insists on pointing out the correct pronounciation of POP-EYE. He’s from Texas, too, by the way but I don’t know where the heck he his fancy city talk.

  198. Kronkina
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    Oops – left out a word. I don’t know where the heck he LEARNED his fancy city talk.

  199. Kip W
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    SF – Slylock suspects it wasn’t the kiwi because the treehouse has a back window, through which Cassandra can be clearly seen admiring her new ring. Moreover the window is open, so she can be heard saying, “Ha! What a nice ring I stole from this treehouse that I’m inexplicably standing next to, instead of going away somewhere. If only I, a cat, knew how to climb down a tree!”

    CS – It’s not a headlight, it’s the last of Crankshaft’s engine coolant gushing out through a hole in the radiator. That’s gonna cost him.

  200. Mountain Mama
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    I hear you, Ms O’F. My computer says 111 and all is not well. It’s just too damn hot. I am seriously thinking about buying a steering wheel cover for the car even though I do have sun shades for the windshield.

  201. alamo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    143 — everyone could benefit from massive doses of drugs. look at what it has done for poor old mason. it has spared him from one more lucid moment hanging with the lizard. the lucky fella.

    it hit him like a ton of bricks. (i couldn’t resist.)

  202. zooby
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    Sometimes, to get me through the dull, Shan…non days, I imagine that Mason and Liz’s other plot device boyfriends have formed a gentlemen’s club where they get together to carouse, share war stories and get blazingly drunk. Like so:

    Mason: “So I say to this Caine idiot: ‘I’m Mason and this is Howard! Can you release us from your jail cell, and let us CONTINUE with our DEBAUCHERY?!’ And, to that, he said, ‘You’re not in a jail cell.. you’re in my daughter’s BASEMENT playpen!’ THAT.. is how you end a night of drinking! Ha-ha!”
    Paul: “I so agree, old chum! Liz once came to the door for a visit when my new paramour was over. ‘It just happened,’ I said!”
    Mason: “Positively HEROIC, my good man!
    Eric: “Here, here! You know, nobody knows how to cheat anymore! I once played Liz off another tasty morsel named Tina! The two shrews found out and beat me with their fists!”
    Paul: “Bravo! A TOAST to your cheating ways!”
    Warren: “It’s all very fine, this talk of debauchery, but I find lewdness is the way to go! I do so love leering and making sexually charged comments! The innuendos of the formerly mustachioed are far too subtle for my tastes!”
    Eric: “Ah, here here! I was about to say!”
    Paul: “Caine lacks in PANACHE!”
    Howard: “I totally agree! You know, Liz simply doesn’t appreciate the lengths to which we all went to woo her properly! I felt a desire so powerful for her I was overcome in the fertilizer section!”
    Eric: “As anyone would be! You are my CHAMPION, good sir!”
    Howard: “We were disrupted by that loathsome Caine fellow! He tore me off her and gave me the ol’ one-two! A sporting fight for the lady would be one thing, but I was unprepared! Caught up in lust as I was!”
    Eric: “I know exactly what you mean!
    Mason: “There’s simply no PANACHE!”
    Warren: “None!”
    Howard: “In my day, if you made a play for a girl, you did it with a FLOURISH! An ungainly grope!”
    Eric: “Too right, Mr. Bunt! Why, when I groped – and I did so often – I made it as if it were an opening of a play! ‘Gather round, Liz and Tina!’ I’d say. ‘Ladies! Don’t fight! I love you both!’”
    Paul: “A TOAST to your flourish, sir!”
    Mason: “We’re first class drunks!”
    Eric: “Don’t forget cheaters!”
    Paul: “Here, here!”
    Warren: “And Lechers! As for Lechery, we are second to none!”
    Howard: “I’ll drink to that!”
    Mason: “As will I!”
    All: “Now THAT’S panache!”

  203. Idols of Mud
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: I see the Liz/Anthony drama playing out this way: Liz and the Accountant Formerly Known as the ‘Stache flirt for a few weeks before Anthony’s horrible ex comes back on bended knees, and guilts him into taking her back.

    A heartbroken Liz finally wonders who, in the whole FOOBiverse, was meant for her. And after a week-long chat involving coffee with her mother — and fulfilling Lynn Johnson’s view of the Pattersons as perfect and infallible — Liz realizes she must marry her brother.

    Spider-Man: “Tonight on Larry King Live: Our exclusive post-prison interview with Paste-Pot Pete! And Angie Dickinson! Don’t miss it!”

  204. Kronkina
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

    #203 Idols of Mud – But…but…then what would happen to Dee, the perfect daughter-in-law? Oh…I get it…polygamy? Well, Michael does, of course, deserve two wives -er, make that three. April’s coming up, you know.

  205. Mountain Mama
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:49 pm [Reply]

    I say we should return to Sunday’s MW and study those two gentlemen about to share a tender kiss in the last panel. Who are they? What is their story? Are they reunited after a long separation? Have they finely come to terms with their sexuality and are ready to explore each other openly and honestly?

    Because, really, the Drew and Vera storyline blows rancid chunks.

  206. Dean Booth
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    #37 O’F, I thought your caption was better than all three finalists.

  207. Harold
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    Zooby @ 202, ’round these parts “gentlemen’s club” has a whole other meaning. The coversation would have been something like this:

    ANNOUNCER: And tonight, Gentlemen’s Club F, Foobville’s own TOTALLY NUDE BYOB Club is proud to present the girl who LOOKS like she’s 16, but that darned birth certificate says otherwise…LITTLE APRIL!!!
    All together: WHOAH!
    Warren: Isn’t that Liz’s little sister?
    Paul: Don’t spoil the moment.

    Benicillin: Your point is still valid. Even having invented the term “Jump the Shark”, Happy Days still had some cool points, mostly courtesy of Steve McQueen’s motorcycle from The Great Escape!

  208. Zamboni_Rodeo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    MW: Either that kid standing in front of Dr. Drew in panel one is a refugee from FC, or Dr. Drew is nine feet tall.

  209. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    The Divine O’F @ 195: I do remember your request. However, I was hoping for some discussion before deciding which of my ideas I would submit. If anyone has an opinion, or a suggestion of how to improve any of them before I choose, please say so.

  210. Kronkina
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    #205 Mountain Mama – I went back to check out the two dudes since I hadn’t noticed them before (and you’re right), and I got to looking at Vera’s business card. Does that say “Market Researcher”? Wasn’t she a clerk typist just days ago? Yes, I know she mentioned she’d been promoted, but honestly, does one go directly to Market Researcher from clerk typist? Granted, I’m not in marketing…

  211. Harold
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    SSB: I like the last one best.

  212. Kronkina
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    #209 Spider Brick: I like “Have you checked the pH levels lately?” Its just so very subtle.

  213. J.P. Patches
    July 2nd, 2007 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: I know this has been a cartoon cliche forever, but in real life has anyone ever actually gotten the hiccups when they got drunk?

  214. merchmesh
    July 2nd, 2007 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    #194. Even more amazing is that Bobby London was part of the infamous Air Pirates crew, led by Dan O’Neill, who produced spot-on pornographic parodies of Mickey Mouse that led to a massive lawsuit by Disney.

    All the same, some of London’s underground work looked closer to Elzie Segar drawings than Bud Sagendorf’s, and his tenure on Popeye overlapped with King Features being edited by former underground comix figure Jay Kennedy. London’s more recent work includes SpongeBob Squarepants and other animated shows far out of the orbit of his early work.

    If some people remember the “current” Popeye storyline from the nineties, that probably means this is at least the second or third time it’s seen print.

  215. SecretMargo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    209: SSB–The first one is my favourite.

    I also love Mr[s?]. Mentos’s punchline.

    I cannot think of anything at all.

    I was about to type, “Looks like I shot my wad today with ‘Clambait,’” but …. ick.

    Shoot, looks like I went and typed it anyway.

    Bon soirée, cherubs.

  216. Moon Mullins
    July 2nd, 2007 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    #209 SSB: The “pH levels” one just cracks me up. It gives it a kind of Charles Addams obtuse hilarity.

  217. Mountain Mama
    July 2nd, 2007 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

    #210, Kronkina, I believe Vera told Mary she had been promoted to researcher or something, but I can’t believe how quickly she got her business cards. She probably went to Staples that afternoon and got them. They don’t look that corporate to me.

    #205, myself–Damn, “finally,” not finely. My brain cells are fryin’ in the heat!

    Friday’s yesterthread–Kronkina, I saw what you said about your mom. I hope you’re right and she’s kind of oblivious about how info like that could hurt someone. And I hope you’re at peace with how she is.

    Unfortunately, the crap my mom has spouted to me over the years, I believe, has been intended to hurt, and it has. I think I’m finally (not finely) realizing it’s her issues, not mine, that causes her to think the way she does. I’ve made my mistakes, God knows, but I’m a good person, regardless of what she says.

    Damn again. The board is better than therapy. I love you guys.

  218. Non Compost Mentos
    July 2nd, 2007 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    162 Divine O’F: Thanks for the encouragement–by golly, I went and entered it. And please let me join the chorus of those who think that your caption was far better than any of the 3 options this week.

    Are the fans of Elly’s Coffee Talk choosing the finalist captions?

    (I’m a former Tucsonan myself, by the by…6 years in Boise and I STILL slip and call the main drag here “Speedway.”)

  219. Aaron T.
    July 2nd, 2007 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    7/2:

    SF (Slylock Fox): The phrasing of today’s solution is so awkward! “…scorpions do not lay eggs, bear they live young.” Syntax error?

    SF (Sally Forth): Ted must smell awful, having apparently worn the same “Hands Across America” t-shirt for the past six weeks.

  220. Harold
    July 2nd, 2007 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    Sally Forth is really hitting home with me. So did last week’s Dilberts.

  221. Neeksy
    July 2nd, 2007 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    I just saw the Slylock Fox for July 2nd and I wonder if this is perhaps the first time we’ve had Slylock or Max speak. It’s weird because usually they’re eerily silent, staring with their piercing, bulging, creepy as fuck, eyes. This may be a monumental moment.

    Also, the joke is great. HAHA – Max is about to die while his friend sleeps, deaf to his pleas for assistance.

  222. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    July 2nd, 2007 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

    #136: What you want, then, is FOOB as done by the producers of 24. Actually, Liz meeting Jack Bauer would be pretty amusing…”hmm…all his lovers seem to end up dead or worse…he’s a serial torturer…prone to disappear for years on end…his job takes up all his time… Sounds like a guy I could learn to dump, eventually!”

    Note: there is far more comic potential in a 24/FOOB crossover, but I’m uninspired right now. Take it away, O brilliant wits of the mudgiverse!

  223. Dean Booth
    July 2nd, 2007 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke: Good Doggie! (NSFW).

  224. Whippersnapper
    July 2nd, 2007 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: In yesterday’s Foob, Michael’s hair appears to be significantly longer on one side than on the other. I think he’s sporting the same kicky asymmetrical ‘do as a girl in my 6th grade class had. The fact that Michael has a 6th grade girl’s haircut seems so appropriate.

    In today’s Foob, we learn that Mason is a drunk, and therefore completely unreliable. It’s almost as though Lynn is trying to draw a contrast with another character, but I can’t quite figure out who… In the meantime, how will the wedding guests know it’s time to dance? How could they possibly know, without the best man to lead them? HOW??

  225. slinkimalinki
    July 2nd, 2007 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    YAH!
    thats not a kiwi feather, it’s a fuckin’ seagull feather. or some kind of albino mutant radiation-affected kiwi. which probably could fly anyway.

    also “kiwi bird”? wtf. oh, it’s a chicken bird! oh look, an eagle bird! a kiwi is a bird, dropkick.

    en fin , a kiwifruit is not a kiwi, any more than a grapefruit is a grape or a starfruit is a star.

  226. Blondie
    July 2nd, 2007 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    Lynn Johnston explores more efficient ways of getting rid of love interests. Increasing ugliness: no go. Instant aging/alcoholism: seems to be working just fine.

  227. Harold
    July 2nd, 2007 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    Liz: This bastard is drunk!
    Anthony: I’ll take it from here, since I’m clearly THE BEST MAN!

    (Anthony proposes a toast, everyone dances, and the wedding reception progresses with no regard to Mason, who has now slipped under the head table. No one realizes that Mason is a diabetic and has suffered a severe low-blood-sugar episode caused by the typically insane delays in actually getting any FOOD served at a wedding reception. Out of sight and out of mind, he sustains irreversible damage over the next few hours. Liz and Anthony live happily ever efter.)

  228. Carmichael the Polar Bear
    July 2nd, 2007 at 7:56 pm [Reply]

    Why, in the name of all that’s holy, would a child WANT to draw a giant mosquito?

    I say, show me a child who wants to draw a giant mosquito, and I’ll show you a child who grows up to be a sociopath. Or, y’know, Margo.

  229. Dean Booth
    July 2nd, 2007 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    Good captions, all. Brick, I Iike #3, and Mell, I vote for your first one. The mudgeons need to break through the NY ceiling. My captions:

    “We might have expected this when we bought Charlton Heston’s house.”

    “I told you it was a bad idea to add a basement to ocean-front property.”

  230. beergoggles
    July 2nd, 2007 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    MW: suddenly i’m having bad feelings about drew – he’s attracted to one of mary’s ‘lonely’ friends – he doesn’t have long relationships with women – i’m getting “ted bundy” vibes here folks

    besides, we all know what makes mary’s roses so nice – a little dash of aldo’s remains

  231. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 2nd, 2007 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    I submitted my “pH levels” caption to the NYer contest. Divine O’F, you may submit my second or third idea as your own.

  232. Dean Booth
    July 2nd, 2007 at 8:13 pm [Reply]

    #74 cog, lol — ship it!

  233. Dean Booth
    July 2nd, 2007 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    #83 Trilobite, I know for a fact you’re 71, not 83!

  234. Trotzenbonnie
    July 2nd, 2007 at 8:17 pm [Reply]

    #214 – merchmesh
    Did somebody say ‘Air Pirates’?
    Hmmmmm. Where have I heard that name before?

  235. jana
    July 2nd, 2007 at 8:21 pm [Reply]

    Thanks for the helpful champagne bubbles in panel three, Lynn. We get it. Mason’s a drunk! Snozzz.

  236. Zamboni_Rodeo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    #228, Carmichael: I say, show me a child who wants to draw a giant mosquito, and I’ll show you a child who grows up to be a sociopath. Or, y’know, Margo.

    Or perhaps a young Jackel Rod in training… Someone has to carry on the legacy of the drawing freakish, mutant animals that inhabit LoFo.

  237. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 2nd, 2007 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    mere cog @ 74: Funny though your caption is, the NYer imposes a draconian 25-word limit.

  238. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 2nd, 2007 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    #235, jana,
    Do you mean that some men are interested in Liz while sober? Freaky.

  239. Uncle Lumpy
    July 2nd, 2007 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

    #237 SSB –

    F’n Dracon. Ruined everything for everybody.

  240. jana
    July 2nd, 2007 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    #238 afkaBen, Lynn would have us believe EVERYONE is interested in Liz, sober, drunk or otherwise. It’s whether Queen Liz deems to be interested in them that is the question.

  241. Kip W
    July 2nd, 2007 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    Bobby London was an interesting case. He spent most of his artistic life assiduously copying Segar and Herriman (he copied one Krazy Kat strip so closely that it was used as an illustration for it in Horn’s Encyclopedia of Comics). So one day he got his dream job, creating an authorized imitation of Segar’s work, and he felt compelled to blow it by showing that he was still controversial. Geek tragedy.

    A3G – Carbon monoxide doesn’t actually poison people; it takes the place of the oxygen we need to live. Similarly, certain comic strips occupy the place of stimulating literature that would keep our brains alive. Things getting dark for you? You’re suffering from cartoon monoxide.

    Two of the finalist captions at the New Yorker contest seem similar to what I was thinking about and didn’t send, so this time I’m sending one in. Fxngxrs crxssxd!

  242. AhClem
    July 2nd, 2007 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    I submitted the following caption to the New Yorker contest:

    “It says here that the moon is in unusual alignment with the sun this month, and that we can expect higher than normal tides.”

    Only 24 words – just made it!

  243. Doug Puthoff
    July 2nd, 2007 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

    I’m not sure which is more pathetic, Lisa cancer in FW or the descent of Ted Forth, male lesbian, into bumhood in SF. Ted, of course, only needs to take a couple of shots of steroids to regain his manhood. I just want to punch the bum out.

  244. Vince M.
    July 2nd, 2007 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    202: Ahh, and I expect they all fondly recall Liz throwing her drink in their faces, every Man-Jack of them!

  245. MossMoses
    July 2nd, 2007 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    Scooter Commuter – unworthy recipient of the gratuitous get out of jail free card. How I wish he was in Lost Forest so Mark Trail could dispense some justice to his jaw.

  246. Moon Mullins
    July 2nd, 2007 at 9:59 pm [Reply]

    I submitted this to the New Yorker caption contest:

    “Xerxes, I told you not to throw out your old whip.”

  247. Tom E
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    It’s been a while since I’ve read Popeye, but has he recently been afflicted with some sort of back condition? Or is he just bending down to inspect the city fellow’s knife, bringing his small, beady eyes dangerously close to a rather dangerous instrument held by someone who appears to have few scruples about how he obtains his information?

    Also, would the same girl really date a guy named “Wimpy” as well as a knife-wielding ruffan?

  248. Jamus The Bartender
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    Another FOOB Wedding Primer
    Wow, look.
    The wedding is still going on.
    Even after Shannon took a week to make her big speech.
    It must be a Catholic wedding.
    Anyway…
    See the groom’s buddy who looks a little like Screech from Saved By The Bell make a congratulatory speech.
    See Shawna’s daddy say something about his little girl being all growed up now…
    It looks like all these people are really drunk.
    Except for Liz.
    Liz NEVER drinks..
    Or smokes..
    Or eats red meat.
    (Except for…well…you know..Paul..)
    Or fucks.
    Which explains why she’s having so much trouble..
    Getting a boyfriend.
    Anyway..
    See Mason fall asleep in the middle of the strip.
    Just like a lot of the readers.
    Some people think Mason has a drinking problem.
    He just might
    But…living in FOOBland..
    I’m suprised everybody doesn’t have some kind of drinking problem.
    He might be diabetic.
    Or narcoleptic.
    Or simply bored to tears.
    Any of which would make him an unworthy suitor for Queen Liz.
    C’mon Anthony.
    Julia set it up…
    Do your Lone Ranger bit already.
    And impulsively propose.
    It’s two months to September.

  249. Mel
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

    Thanks, Dean, I went ahead and submitted my first one to the NYer…but I think Spider-Brick has something with that “pH’ one.

    And wow, Moon Mullins, don’t see many a Hellespont jokes in these parts — just hope there are no Athenians amongst the caption judges!

  250. Mel
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    Dean — and I should have added I like the “Heston” one.

  251. Buck Ripsnort
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    AhClem, all I could come up w/ was, “I told you, mines make lousy pool toys.”

  252. MonkeyHawk
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

    I’m kinda uninspired, but her’s my New Yorker thought:

    “No. I thought you fed the serpent.”

  253. Old Bean
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

    SFox – Weber’s great. Love that solemn, conscientious buzzard. But having Slylock and Max talk rattled my cage a little. Then I realised why – all those times we’ve seen Slylock with that voyeuristic glassy-eyed stare, he could have spoken but was choosing not to. This somehow adds whole layers of creepiness. (And also, I guess I had some idea in my head that if Slylock ever spoke, he’d just, without blinking, let out a series of high-pitched MEEPMEEPMEEPMEEPs, a bit like Beaker from the Muppets.)

  254. Marion Delgado
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    today’s slylock solution is as follows:

    Slylock knows that scorpions do not lay eggs.

    Bear they live young.

    So it was a dream because Max was really hearing Yoda?

    My solution: Slylock said it was a dream because (a) he was happily asleep, okay? and (b) it’s not HIS sleeping bag, is it.

  255. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    As usual, my humor is rather an outlier: re the NYer captions, the first two I came up with were:

    “Why am I suddenly thinking of Elvis?”

    and

    “Better call that pool guy Canute again…”

    Haven’t submitted either, as several earlier contenders in this very forum (which freakin rules!) are clearly superior.

  256. Old Bean
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    VULTURE, not buzzard. Damn. Also a link wouldn’t hurt.

  257. Jym Oyl
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    =v= Popeye: This story line is tame compared to the strip’s heyday in the 1930s. I’m just sayin’. Also, if “Sweet Oyl” is around there somewhere, can we expect a baby named “Olive Pea?”

    =v= SFx: When we last saw Cassandra, she was making a shot at fame, fortune, and an honest living, only to be stopped by Slylock who had some sort of hooey going about her not knowing a spout from a cloacal vent. Thwarted from fame, now she’s hiding behind a house.

  258. Cap'nCheetah
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    (DT)GT – “It’s also my job to know about all that great advice you’ve been giving the team…sure you tried to disguise it as baseball tips, but I know what you were up to! Thanks for saving me the trouble of teaching them that chapter on ‘Health and Family Life.’ I’ve really been dreading it.”

    SFx – Was I the only one who was excited about seeing Cassandra Cat make her first appearance (at least in a Sunday strip, I don’t generally follow it on weekdays) since the debut of KT’s Cassandra and Slylock themed “masterpiece”?

  259. alamo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    we interrrupt this snarking for the following unpaid commercial (unpaid because the bum is just too g*d-damned cheap):

    i want to say thank you to the following snarkers for their support:
    The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    MonkeyHawk
    True Fable
    Trotzenbonnie
    and most of all
    Squid Countess for believing in me when times were bleak.
    and josh of course.
    my apologies to any i may have missed.

    we now return to our regularly scheduled snarking and barking session. woof, woof, you snark hounds. snark on. snark on.

  260. alamo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    that male fiddler crab looks like he is just walking around giving everyone the finger.
    “hey, f-u for giving me the crabs you son-of-a-bitch! yeah i’m talking to you.”

  261. Cap'nCheetah
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and Kronkina (197) – We used to have a cat named Pie-Pie! He actually started out as the neighboring family’s cat until he adopted us, so we speculate that the children next door had originally named him Popeye and just pronounced it that way. I’m in Georgia, so I guess there are some similarities in accent to that in Texas.

  262. King Folderol
    July 2nd, 2007 at 10:58 pm [Reply]

    Spidey – Larry King? I thought that was J. Jonah’s long lost twin brother.

    SF – I’d appreciate advice on killing mosquitos. Drawing them isn’t going to provide any short of appeasement.

    Crankshaft – Rather than symbolizing Crank’s ED, I think that it shows that even the car is frowning at the fact that it’s involved in Crankshaft’s sad, pointless, miserable life.

    A3G – It’s nice to see Tommie showing some emotion, but I’m worried that the carbon monoxide that nearly killed Luann is what keeps Tommie so vacuous and empty-headed, so I hope that she doesn’t stay this angry and irritable now that the tailpipe isn’t pointed in her direction.

    FOOB – I’m sure it’s just the black and white, but this wedding looks like it’s taking place in 1974.

  263. Jamus The Bartender
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:04 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Hold onto your hats….”Congratulations on the wedding of Anthony and Elizabeth, Godmother Elly…and may their first child be a masculine child, which will be a change for everyone I know…”

  264. Moon Mullins
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:05 pm [Reply]

    Tuesday Foob

    Well, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for, no more beating around the bush. Let the caterwauling begin.

    I’d love to snark but just can’t. Nauseous, sorry.

  265. Moon Mullins
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:12 pm [Reply]

    Tuesday Mark Trail

    Mark, help me — leaned over and weight of massive breasts too much — can’t stand back up — going to fall into tire tracks…….

  266. lettuce
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:14 pm [Reply]

    Oh.
    I am so shocked.
    Liz and Anthony, together again.

    What’s the emoticon for “eyes-rolling-so-far-back-into-your-head-you-can-see-the-remaining-braincells-of-respect-you-once-had-for-Johnston’s-strip-zap-out-of-existance-only-to-be-replaced-by-the-shameful-memory-of-you-staying-up-until-Yahoo-Comics-was-updated-around-midnight-so-you-could-see-what-obviously-telegraphed-atrocity-was-going-to-happen-next?” I’m guessing colon, tilde and ampersand.

  267. Moon Mullins
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    Tuesday Mary Worth

    “Come this way, Drew, and meet my blind friend Carol. She uses a seeing-eye straw.”

  268. Uncle Lumpy
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    #266 lettuce –

    The emoticon for FOOB?

    I’m guessing colon, tilde and ampersand.

    Dispense with those last two — all you need to know about this strip resides in the colon.

  269. Gojira
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:32 pm [Reply]

    Haven’t screwed up the courage to see Tuesday’s Foob yet. Just wanted to suggest: Love-(SPEW!)-calypse? Well, I tried…

  270. One-Armed Bandit
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:32 pm [Reply]

    The look on Julia’s face while giving Granthony the thumbs-up is so sinister — maybe SHE’S the one who slipped something in Mason’s drink!

    But, wow, that Lynn is a genius — looks like she’s scheduled some fireworks for Wednesday’s strip to help us Americans celebrate the 4th of July.

  271. Suicide_Blonde
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    Just saw Tuesday’s FOOB. Tonstant weader fwow up.

  272. alamo
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:40 pm [Reply]

    mt — “hey sam, tell your breasts to quit staring at my eyes!”

    268 uncle lumpy — you took the words right out of my mouth. right on!!

    first april throwing herself shamelessly at gerald and now liz suggesting to blanthony that they do the nasty right there on the dance floor. have these patterson women no sense of self-worth? gee i wonder where they get that from?

  273. Uncle Lumpy
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    My brethren and sistern, lose not the faith. There are hope and joy, in the comics still, even on this darkest day.

    Behold Margo Magee

  274. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 2nd, 2007 at 11:52 pm [Reply]

    Tuesday FBOFW. I want a shot of whatever Mason’s drinking. So, we’re going to have a week of goo-goo eyes and pun-filled declarations of love. Is that really preferable to a week of maneuvering Liz and that-guy-who-is-supposed-to-be-Anthony-but-doesn’t-look-like-him-anymore together? Hard call, both pretty vomit-inducing.

    Tueday MW. So, Toby and the Professor are “continuing their review” of Mary’s garden handiwork. Sounds mighty sinister — I bet they’re doing their review from the vantage point of a shallow grave. Mary is clearing the way for a new generation of pool-party zombies, Drew and Vera.

  275. Kronkina
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:04 am [Reply]

    JP And…the lovefest that is 40-year-old-wine-guy and little Sophie begins.

    Ew.

  276. Chat Noir
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    Oh, yack. Now I’ll be forced to fall asleep thinking of what “just everything” Anthony would like to do with Liz. Here’s hoping he’s just been eager for a chance to explain how changes in Canadian tax code will affect her ability to afford her basement hovel apartment and perhaps she’d be interested in his spare cell, er, room, oh, there I go down a dark, dark path.

  277. Kronkina
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    RMMD Well, Nikki has apparently gone back to his natural brown hair since yesterday. Furthermore, his expression in panel 3 says it all; obviously, he’s figured out exactly what Rex means by “learn from each other.” And he ain’t bitin’.

  278. alamo
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    a3g — “hey margo — what goes around, comes around.”

  279. Kronkina
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:11 am [Reply]

    PreTeena I normally really like PreTeena, really, I do. But I feel compelled to comment on the fact that Catherine is apparently wearing whiteface in Panel 1 of today’s strip. That ain’t right.

  280. Kronkina
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:12 am [Reply]

  281. Joe Bftsplk
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    #38 – The only version of Archie that I would have seen would have been the newspaper strip, so I don’t know about his flashlight incident. But I do remember a strip from some time in the late ’70s called The Captain’s Gig, by Virgil Partch, who also drew the better-known Big George strip. TCG had an anthropomorphic animal character who was literally a cat burglar (he and Cassandra would have hit it off nicely I think). In one strip he was lamenting the fact that his flashlight’s batteries were running low, and the beam was drooping down to the floor in what sounds like exactly the same way. So – did Archie or Gig have the gag first, or did they both get it from some earlier source, or both come up with it independently? It seems to me that this episode came fairly early in the strip’s relatively brief run, but beyond that I know nothing.

    I don’t know why, but I remember things like this. I haven’t thought of The Captain’s Gig in decades, but when I saw the saggy headlight beams in Crankshaft it popped into my mind immediately. The only examples of the strip that I could find with a Google search are here:

    http://strippersguide.blogspot.com/2007/03/obscurity-of-day-captains-gig.html

  282. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:24 am [Reply]

    JP and RMMD. Competing pedophile seduction techniques!

    Archie. Bestiality! For a disturbing slice of
    real life
    FAIR WARNING: It’s not Equus, but still…

    9CL. Hot women who love hopeless schlubs. I hate both Amos and ex-father what’s-his-face. I wish this strip would spent less time with Edda and her clown and no time at all with the former clergy-persons.

  283. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:28 am [Reply]

    279. Kronkina. Actually, it’s kind of horrifying. I’m gonna have nightmares now.

  284. Squid Countess
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn #137-Poteet/Brown-Eyed Girl – I don’t read Pibgorn, but I clicked on a link to it from here one day that featured, in panels 1 and 2, luscious, lavish female fairy buttocks, and in panels 3 and 4, a barely adolescent boy taking joy in having defecated on the sidewalk. Now, I don’t care if you’re a Jungian, a Freudian, an Adlerian, an existentialist, a nihilist or a Southern Baptist – that ain’t right. That’s a mind coming apart at the seams.

    Alamo – Hooray for getting the runner-up COTW nod! I’m so pleased for you. Though you’re darn funny when you’re rejected.

    Divine O’F – Just like gh, my browser crashes as soon as I enter the New Yorker site. Sometimes I can see the cartoon, sometimes not, but it never stays open long enough for me to read the caption finalists. I thought your “boxer shorts” line really had a chance.///// If anyone has a suggestion about how to remedy the crashing problem, I’d appreciate a word.

    Uncle Lumpy from yesterthread – Now I can’t get the phrase, “Better Nate than lever” out of my head. Can’t remember the “joke”, though. You?

  285. Kronkina
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    #284 Squid Countess – I’ve only just recently started reading Pibgorn because of the rave reviews here. I still haven’t really figured out what the hell is going on, but I do believe that was tar on the sidewalk, not feces. The kid (I thought it was a girl?) took great relish in getting some guy to step in it…yeah, I don’t get it.

  286. Jeanne
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    Tuesday Foob-
    Gakkkk, simply gakkkk

  287. Dingo
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    I just saw today’s FOOB and it actually made me sad. Lynn Johnston believes so heartily that her fans want Liz and Anthony together, she’ll pull no stops in violating the rules of heaven and earth to bring it so. Mason is a drunkard who passes out during the toasts and Anthony’s date (Juliet? I don’t remember) is just there to serve as the toad in his garden. Anthony saves the night – the wedding! – by dancing with Elizabeth. To quote my Momma: I could spit nails.

  288. SecretMargo
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    A3G: Is it too much to hope for to have Lu Ann come back as a dissociative serial killer who threatens Margo behind Tommie’s back for weeks on end until there’s a showdown in the bathroom involving curling irons wielded like lightsabres and high heels driven through brainpans? Frankly, it’s beginning to look more and more plausible. Maybe the ghost was after Margo all along!

    Gasoline Alley: Yes, the implication is that all black people are interchangeable and indistinguishable. Oddly, the even more disturbing thing is that the “joke” also assumes that Michael Jackson can be thought of as black in any way relevant to this comparison (plus, wouldn’t it be funnier if he confused Jordan with Mihaelia Jackson?).

    RMMD: NAMBLA’s membership is open to everyone sympathetic to personal freedom. Our goal is to end the oppression of men and boys who have freely chosen, mutually consensual relationships. This is what your description of Big Brothers and Sisters should not sound like, Rex! Get it together, man! He’s gonna be onto your game soon if you don’t knock it off! It’ll be back to worrying about your browser history and sublimating through ice cream again if you can’t win him away while June’s Hugh-ing around! Play it cool!

    MT: RealSam seems to be completing the final stages of her transmogrification into a biologically impossible Pamela A. manqué, but Mark still remains oblivious, hovering over oil on tire-treaded dirt as if about to dive into a syrup-soaked waffle. M-m-m! Once again, Mark shows the reader what you’d be left with if you combined the Tin Man and the Lion and divided by a crash-test dummy dressed in an old UPS uniform.

    FBoFW: Amid spectacles of unspeakable horror, it’s always the little things that stick with you, that bring home tragedy in ways that the overwhelming big picture fails to, framing the experience and making the other details resonant and powerful: the shadow on the steps in the Hiroshima Peace Museum, the little girl in red in Schindler’s List. Another such image appears in the central panel of For Better or For Worse today, as Julia bears silent, manipulated witness to everything wrong with the scene unspooling before her, and us, like intestines across the dancefloor: the pallid suitor with his pallid tie that shortens panel-to-panel like a stop-action circumcision; the dismissive scarequotes disqualifying the dreaming dandy who just finished carting Liz’s ample ass across a lawn; the frog-lipped Patterface glistening like raw hamburger under the wet, imploring gaze of Freckled Fate; the dusty, labial folds of the curtains framing the whole unholy danse macabre; just … everything.

  289. Mibbitmaker
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    RED ALERT! RED ALERT! The FOOBocalypse is upon us! Repeat: (what I just said)! This is NOT a drill! There has been Lizard/Bland contact! There HAS been SOPPY DIALOGUE! Such dialogue may contain diseases that render discriminating readers in high levels of throwing up. Repeat: This is NOT a drill! The Dept. of Homeland Security and Canadian authorities have been notified.

    This has been a RED ALERT! CODE DEEP RED!

    We are now returning to our regularly scheduled snark, already in progress….

  290. merchmesh
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:49 am [Reply]

    234… I can only wish to have sampled the madness of that crusade.

  291. Tats
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Well, Anthony’s date better have been a cousin or sister or someone he brought to make Liz jealous, or else he’s an even bigger asshole than Mason. Although that fact is already confirmed by his B-movie flirt patter.

    A3-G: Finally, Margo will know the pain her roommates have had to endure for so long.

    MW: Panel two, far left: is that guy’s shirt asexually reproducing?

    Baldo: I don’t understand how the current Baldo storyline has escaped comment for so long. The Jesus statues TALK TO HER. Forget Lu Ann; demented old Hispanic lady murders family! News at eleven!

    JP: Judge Parker: your niche supplier of comic mullets since 2007.

  292. Mibbitmaker
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    The FOOBocalypse Day strips:

    MT: Right, Cherry Sam; that couldn’t have possibly happened that way EVEN THOUGH WE READERS HAVE BEEN SHOWN IT HAPPENING FOR FREAKIN’ WEEKS ALREADY!!! sighhhhh!…

    FW: “…But don’t ask me how many, because this still isn’t your chart. Honestly, I don’t know why you people keep coming to me! Are you stupid??”

    A3G: Margo, she’s been living with a crazy woman for years. Hint: it’s not LuAnn.

  293. Dr. Y. Zowl
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:01 am [Reply]

    Gee, this is way down at the bottom of the thread (so it will be overlooked), and I haven’t read any of the preceding snark, but I just have to say: Josh, your comment on the Apt. 3-G strip gave me my only laugh of the day. Thank you.

  294. Trilobite
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:11 am [Reply]

    Let’s light the fuse on some of Tuesday’s comics and see if anything explodes:

    Dick Tracy: Dmitri has the worst-drawn arms of any character I’ve seen in the short time I’ve been reading this comic. Seriously, it’s just ridiculous. Pity poor Dmitri: cursed to wear J. Jonah Jameson’s haircut, to squint eternally, and to have arms too short to even zip up his own fly.

    Gil Thorp: No, Clambake, the question is…are we going to have to sit through the “Clambake admits his lies to the whole team and is promptly forgiven” scene, or can we just skip directly to the next incomprehensible high school sports plot arc? Because I’ll level with you: I really, really can’t take the thought of a week-long “Aw, gee, Mr. Clambake, you didn’t have to make up any dumb old stories, you were special all along!” denoument to this whole ordeal. I’d rather see Yul Brynna and the other Ladyskulls fly randomly around the softball field and shout slogans about making regular mammogram appointments.

    Mark Trail: Poor Sam. She bent over and waved her ass at Mark, coyly turning her torso to give him excellent side-boobage, and he’s still more interested in a puddle of oil than he is in her. Also, I think the doctor put her eyes back on wrong when he rebuilt her face after the duck incident. She oughta go back in and have them re-aligned.

    Mary Worth: I’ll give you all the official introductions, from left to right: Freddy “Flatface” McCoy, ace highball-drinker and legendarily messy eater (even his festive amoeba-patterned shirt can’t hide the gooey remains of the canapes he’s thrown up into the air and failed to catch with his mouth); Bud Hollister, ex-Mafia stoolpigeon and the only man to ever beat his own brain out with a sawed-off baseball bat; Mary Worth, aka the Evil Who Needs No Introduction; Dr. Jeff “Hit It and Quit It” Cory, the drugged-out lothario whose improvised shirt pocket is not even deep enough to fit in more than half of an ordinary business card; and, of course, Countess Europina Von Flathead, whose hairstyle may have inspired the terraced plantings of the Napa Valley wine country. Any oddball looking for a grandstand need go no further than the Charterstone pool!

    A3G: Classic. This is one of the few times when Tommie’s impenetrable dullness and total lack of a spine really pays off — another character might be tempted to spoil the delicious Margo moment with a sarcastic rejoinder, but not good ol’ Tommie. She’ll just sit there with her fixed, glassy eyes and let the audience enjoy Margo’s ranting unimpaired.

  295. NotGodot
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:11 am [Reply]

    NO NO NO NO NO
    JESUS CHRIST
    NO

    Of course, there is still the /slightest/ chance that she is, in fact, in a lesbian tryst with Therese, and is merely getting close to Anthony to kill him with the sharpened heel of one of her shoes, spraying the dance floor with blood.

  296. Mibbitmaker
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    A3G: Poor Tommie, soon stuck in an apartment with two crazy ladies! I can see it now…

    APARTMENT 3G, starring Tommie Thompson, Ann Coulter, and Rosie O’Donnell

    Today’s episode: After weeks of reactionary Ann smugly insulting people at random, while Rosie won’t stop trying to convince Ms. Thompson that 9/11 was an inside job (when she wasn’t picking petty fights with obnoxious meglomaniac billionaires with bad hair), Tommie finally cracks and checks into an insane assylum. Irony insues when the only sane roommate is the one commited. (Costarring a color-changing beard as Professor Andmaryanne-opolos)

  297. Trilobite
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:19 am [Reply]

    Correction to #294: I lied. It’s Dr. Drew “Hit It and Quit It” Cory, not Jeff. You can tell them apart because Jeff is…hmm…oh, because Jeff is the one with the…er…

    Wait, I’ve got it: I think Jeff’s the one who has a cane now.

  298. Benicillin
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:22 am [Reply]

    (cough)

    …..

  299. Squid Countess
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:34 am [Reply]

    FBorFW – Why is Anthony lipless?

  300. SecretMargo
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:34 am [Reply]

    298: Trilobite: See? Once you realize that the only possible means of reproduction that could occur in this poolside petri would be asexual, you lose your ability to distinguish any one entity from another — after all, they’re identical at a cellular level! That guy’s mitosis-mad polo is basically decorated with a repeating pattern of money-shots; his friend has an appropriately disgusted look on his face at the sight of such a flagrant lack of self-control. Your confusion only reflects your superior understanding of the true situation, T-bite.

  301. CrabbyGenes
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    I haven’t had time to read any comments in this thread yet, but I doubt that this is a repeat of anyone’s—though I suppose it might be.

    Based on articles recently linked to, and on the past week of strips, I have decided that I will QUIT reading Funky Winkerbean. I just don’t want it or need it in my life.

    My question is HOW do I do it? Especially since it’s one of the regularly-snarked comics on this blog! Even if I decide not to read it, someone always makes a comment on it that sends me to the Houston Chronicle to read it. HELP! Is it necessary for me to give up Comics Curmudgeon as well? (I hope not!)

    Of course I’m not telling you people not to snark it. This is just a general plea to anyone who might have advice to pass on. Have any of you given it up? Are any of you planning to give it up? How have you done it, or how are you doing it? I HATE THIS FUCKING STRIP! BUT I CAN’T QUIT! HELP ME, PLEASE!

  302. Anonymous
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    301st comment you guys! woot! and how come cassandra cat didn’t just eat Old Lady Mcsquirrel?I mean, technically thats what a cat would do….and she shouldn’t stop there either. That snoopy little mouse in the bowler hat better keep his lips shut.

  303. SecretMargo
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:38 am [Reply]

    299: He donated them to ol’ Lizardlips there when she refused to sacrifice any of her assfat the get properly ready for her lovelorn close-up (“It’s my ballast!” she wailed).

    You don’t want to know where the ‘stache ended up.

  304. NotThatGuy
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:39 am [Reply]

    Foob: So Julia, having played her role in bringing Lizanthony together, can slip a couple hors d’oeuvres in her pocket, knock back another bottle of wine, and slip out the back door to meet Lynn and pocket that nice bribe for agreeing to accompany “Anthony ‘I-only asked-you-so-I -could-dump-you-on-strangers-just-be-grateful-I-didn’t-ask-you-to-have-a-kid-and-quit-your-job’ Caine”?

    Maybe this is going over old territory, but WHY did Anthony bother to invite Julia at all? He obviously didn’t want her company, and unlike him, she doesn’t know anyone.

    Ugly, man. Just ugly.

  305. Non Compost Mentos
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:39 am [Reply]

    DT: I want to know where, in 2007, the CIA is able to find a sedan with suicide doors!

    A3G: I must confess, I giggled uncontrollably as the strip slowly loaded over my lousy dialup connection. We’re in full-bore Whatever Happened to Baby Jane Camp Mode here, aren’t we?

    And as an antidote to the Creosotesque emetic purgefest that is today’s FOOB, may I suggest Peanuts? It’s pure early-1960′s Linus.

  306. CrabbyGenes
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    Hello, SecretMargo, who posted just before me! You haven’t replied to some of my recent non-blog notes. What’s up? Waiting to hear from you! (and apologies to Josh for this non-blog comment. I won’t do it again, promise!)

  307. zooby
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:43 am [Reply]

    244: Yes, young Vince M, but those days are long gone now! Nobody knows how to take a drink to the face anymore! Ahh, well. Perhaps you’ll join them, for they must now go in search of Michael Patterson’s laptop. It is their tradition to take a DUMP on it! Top drawer!

  308. SecretMargo
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:45 am [Reply]

    300: That should be 29seven, of course.

    (Hey, B-Cil, you okay? You need something to drink? I think Mason’d be willing to give you whatever it is he’s having…)

  309. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:46 am [Reply]

    Okay, I hit refresh just before I started typing this, and there wasn’t a new thread yet. But that’s no guarantee I won’t kill this thread. But I must be brave! I must be resolute! I must soldier on! Nothing can deter me from my quest!

    Liz and Anthony….? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

    9CL: Oh, cute. Nerdy guy with hot girlfriend doesn’t know how good he’s got it. Again. Ha. Hey, McEldowney, where can I get a job publicly indulging my personal fantasies? I swear, if he drew Spider-Man, it would all be wordless strips about MJ and Peter randomly smooching. …Y’know, that wouldn’t be half bad.

    A3G: “Psychosis? But… but… that’s MY SCHTICK!”

    FBOFW: Just bleah. So Anthony wants to do “just everything” with Liz. As I recall, “do everything” is high-school euphemism for “have sex, if I knew what that meant.”

    FW: “Months. Don’t ask me how many… I want it to be a surprise! Hee hee hee!”
    This strip comes off my Chron page tonight.

    H&J: Gaay.

    JP: Apparently, the book Sophie was listening to on her iPod was Emily Post.

    MT: For her size, the wild Samantha has the biggest… ahem… eyes of any bipedal mammal.

    MC: What, no drawing of Shrew Barrymore?! I wanna see Shrew Barrymore! Or at least have her guest-star in SFx as Shady’s cousin.

    Phantom: How is it messing with their heads if you’re doing your best to make sure they don’t know you’re out there? Maybe the plan is to have the Maori paddle faster and faster until they spin a whirlpool around the yacht, sucking the miscreants to the bottom of the sea! Yeah, that’ll work… until their biceps explode.

    R&R: Good luck, Red. National Guard troops don’t get much chance to help flood victims any more. Good luck on convoy duty in Anbar.

    RMMD: “The biggest benefit of being your Big Brother is it gives me something to tell people when they ask why I’m always hanging around you, that won’t totally squick them out.”

    SFx: Well, the first big difference is, the first time I saw this panel, it was Marmaduke.

  310. jamoche
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:56 am [Reply]

    Oh, FW hasn’t even come *close* to the absolute worst thing that can happen during cancer treatment. One of the scariest examples of computer software gone wrong is the case of the Therac-25 machine, which was the first thing I thought of when I saw Sunday’s strip: http://www.ccnr.org/fatal_dose.html

    “The speed with which the instructions were entered made the difference. According to a computer system’s analysis of FDA documents, the computer would not accept new information on a particular phase of treatment (in the case of both Tyler accidents, changing the x-ray mode to electron mode) if the technician made the changes within eight seconds after reaching the end of the prescription data. That’s what Malfunction 54 meant. If the changes were made so soon, all the new screen data would look correct to the technician. But inside the computer, the software would already have encoded the old information.

    That meant the beam on the Therac-25 would be set for the much stronger dose needed for an x-ray beam while the turn-table was in the electron position. The coded information within the computer apparently included no system to check that various parts of the prescription data agreed with one another.”

    And by “much stronger” they mean about 1000 times as much radiation as needed…

  311. ralph
    July 3rd, 2007 at 2:19 am [Reply]

    301, Crabby Genes, I have been boycotting Funky Winkerbean and feel that reading the criticism here supports my boycott. This writer is mean. He torments and toys with his characters. He doesn’t even like them. He does all this for the attention; even negative attention eggs him on. The only way to deal with a person like this is to ignore him. When I read the comments here, I feel everyone is reinforcing my opinions. This guy is disrespecting everyone who has ever fought the good fight against a disastrous illness, and inspired, loved, laughed, and maintained the highest levels of dignity all the while. My boycott is purely for me, so it will succeed because I have chosen not to participate in his exploitation of cancer … his taking cancer and running with it just to be mean.
    Whew I guess that was a rant. -30-

  312. off-model
    July 3rd, 2007 at 2:20 am [Reply]

    291 Tats, Tia Carmen might be influenced by Don Camillo and his conservations with his church’s crucifix

  313. Uncle Lumpy
    July 3rd, 2007 at 2:22 am [Reply]

    #310 jamoche –

    Zonino!

  314. CrabbyGenes
    July 3rd, 2007 at 2:26 am [Reply]

    to #311, ralph. Yes, a rant. But a great one! Thank you! I think it will help.

    On another topic, and to anyone interested, I note that, at this writing, the July FOOBsite monthly letters are not up yet. Some new fan letters have been displayed for the July 2 Elly’s Coffee Talk, though. All from adoring fans.

    In fact, the July 2nd edition reminds me strongly of a certain, well-known public figure who always surrounds himself with an audience of ONLY his supporters.

  315. Jack Parsons
    July 3rd, 2007 at 2:42 am [Reply]

    Aunt Fritzi watch: no band names, just a French sailor’s top.

  316. Jack Parsons
    July 3rd, 2007 at 2:55 am [Reply]

    Rex Morgan, MD: That box of his is covered with Egyptian heiroglyphs. Run Niki! He’s a Rosicrucian!

    I know all about these people. I live a few miles from the the mothership. Ruin lives, they do.

  317. Frank Parsnip
    July 3rd, 2007 at 2:59 am [Reply]

    Somewhere in Dick Tracy, they’ll expose GT’s “Clambake” as being Foreskinhead McGillicuddy.

  318. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 3rd, 2007 at 3:15 am [Reply]

    301. CrabbyGenes. I hear you. FW wasn’t one of my regular reads, but I keep getting sucked in.

    311. ralph. Righteous rant.

    I don’t have a problem with a comic character dying per se; Doonesbury has handle debilitating illness and death with sensitivity and humor. But so much about Lisa’s story is crass manipulation.

    I can accpet Lisa’s death, but I can’t stand to watch the way Batiuk killing her.

  319. Lynngineering
    July 3rd, 2007 at 3:16 am [Reply]

    FBOFW: Typical of Michael’s dreams since the “Afternoon Special” drug tests, his fantasy jumpcuts are more severe, moving between April and Liz, now back to the never-ending wedding. But as he never could recall secondary character’s appearances (nor his sisters really) he just fills in some appropriate enough form. His mood is increasingly childish, infantile as he descends into the finality of his coma. It makes you wonder if Michael shouldn’t have written musicals instead, as people stand on tables and give speeches, the nice-personality date you’re with turns out to want to help you get the girl you really wanted all along; the possible date competition is a lush who falls asleep at the most obvious place possible, under the stagelights of the wedding table, and on and on…
    April shapeshifts with pleasure, because her hormonal urges and sexual demands are a power that Michael can’t really fix in his coma (hey never had them, he can’t understand how to dominate them) and so the April character continues in an ongoing fight with the demands of his fantasy. But Liz, the frustrated, cold virgin has no interests anymore, and her world is shapeshifting because Michael can’t be even bothered to remember the characters. As his mind grows dimmer… the dream world he creates reveals the skewed, twisted dark underside that all fairy tales contain within. Any nice person able to transform suddenly into ogres, monsters and witches.

    Liz’s “Just dance?” response is really more a command, even a suggestive spell, disguised as a question, rushing the meek Anthony.

    The command is of course, belonging to Michael’s coma, as he gets back on track regarding his own timeline and fate, and makes a desperate, rushed, last ditch effort to stick her forever with Anthony before the ever-demanding darkness of the coma inevitably draws him into what the doctors term “State of September”, the “4evah Fall”.

    We all know the final solution ahead, the big freeze, but still, there is one more round…It’s all down to April versus September, the choice of opting for the renewal of desires in Spring, versus the lockdown into winter hibernation presented by the approaching fall.

  320. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 3rd, 2007 at 3:17 am [Reply]

    That last sentence should read:

    I can accpet Lisa’s death, but I can’t stand to watch the way Batiuk is killing her.

  321. Marion Delgado
    July 3rd, 2007 at 3:18 am [Reply]

    GET IT RIGHT, PEOPLE! GEEZE!

    LUANN IS A THINLY DISGUISED (NOTICE HER LESBIAN TAUNTING OF TOMMIE) ANN HECHE

    MARGO IS INDEED MARGOT, BUT HER LAST NAME IS KIDDER.

    When the movie comes out, we’ll cast Lindsay Lohan against type as “Tommie” but Margo and Luann will both call her “Firecrotch.”

  322. Brown-eyed Girl
    July 3rd, 2007 at 3:27 am [Reply]

    319 — Lynngineering. Yes, yes. It all makes sense to me now. The spastic lurching between storylines, the weirdly morphing characters are all the products of random synapses firing in a dying mind. Michael is about to be sent to a hell where he will relive his childhood throughout eternity, except he has to be one of the parents.

  323. Non Compost Mentos
    July 3rd, 2007 at 3:27 am [Reply]

    316 Jack Parsons: Rosicricians!

    “I can’t get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics. “–Woody Allen, Annie Hall

    319 Lynngineering: Wow! I think you may be channelling Phillip K Dick…and I mean that the GOOD way.

  324. Marion Delgado
    July 3rd, 2007 at 3:30 am [Reply]

    Woo hoo! Lisa’s dying soon, and for sure! And Anthony and Liz – finally – are together forever! Whee!

    See, my perversity is more than Johnson or Batiuk can handle!

    Also, always remember. No matter how bad it gets, Funky Winkerbean is NOT where hope goes to die.

    It’s where LISA goes to die.

  325. Marion Delgado
    July 3rd, 2007 at 3:30 am [Reply]

    Woo hoo! Lisa’s dying soon, and for sure! And Anthony and Liz – finally – are together forever! Whee!

    See, my perversity is more than Johnson or Batiuk can handle!

    Also, always remember. No matter how bad it gets, Funky Winkerbean is NOT where hope goes to die.

    It’s where LISA goes to die.

  326. True Fable
    July 3rd, 2007 at 3:39 am [Reply]

    # 301 crabby genes & # 311 ralph – very nice. It’s good work on your ranting skilz.

    In answer to your suggestion – it would be nice to ignore FW and your points are all quite valid. The sad thing is, Batiuk’s bullshit is like Lynn Johnston’s – thousands, even millions of people see it every day, and they blindly believe that since the strips once reflected experiences ordinary people had, that the strips STILL reflect the ordinary and what’s more, that they are so realistic that when a character acts, my concern is that the brainwashed readers think, “you know, I’ve never been in that situation but I bet I would do that too.” Subliminally, they just might believe that if a hospital screws up your results, you ought to let them like your hero Lisa did. Or that it’s okay to smirk and make drolly little puns all the time. After all, Average Reader isn’t a lawyer,and if Lawyer Lisa didn’t raise hell – and and and and Batuik would have researched that, right? then Average Reader might hesitate about raising their own stink.

    Sure, It’s healthy to laugh at adversity, to snark when your heart is sinking and to shake your middle finger at fate even as your gorge is rising in your throat. That’s not at issue, and we know it.

    I don’t enjoy FW because Cancer Isn’t Funny. Fighting it is Crucial, and when he shows the cancer patient./heroine not fighting back, it makes me mad. I sincerely hope that after today’s total dragfest, Lisa will finally rear back and FIGHT.

    When I go, it will be with a roar, not a whimper. When I go, it will be because death has come and snatched me free of my final tenacious grip on life to take me to the next level of conciousness, wherever that may be. When I go, cancer will have to BEAT me. I ain’t going easy and I won’t give it a chance to go even-stevens, the third time will have to be cancer’s charm.

    Even then it’s going to have to work for its victory.

    But you’re right, there are better things to do than snark on a strip I totally hate. /rant

  327. dreadedcandiru2
    July 3rd, 2007 at 3:40 am [Reply]

    FW : Months? THREE, DAMN IT!!! Batiuk’s releasing your serialized obit in October!

    Luann: This isn’t the disaster I had in mind. GREAT!! More ammo against his kid sis and her friend.

    FOOB: Satan has risen and established his kingdom upon the Earth! Flee! Flee! Only the righteous shall be spared!

  328. Cerulean Pointing Hand of Doom!
    July 3rd, 2007 at 4:01 am [Reply]

    I’ll be the one to kill this thread, thanks.

    FOOB: You know what would be realistic? If they both got drunk, had nostalgia-sex and Liz decided at The Asshole’s glamorized, pouty pleading to give it a go. A few months later, things would sort of fizzle out, and Liz would call it quits, not because The Asshole had cheated on her, but just because oh, I dunno, it’s been nearly ten years and they were both teenagers when they last dated, and shockingly, they’ve changed and aren’t exactly compatible. Or she’d be too indecisive to call it quits, but start banging Warren on the side.

    One former-sweethearts-reunite storyline in a family I can take. NOT TWO.

    As for #138: The strip took a maudlin turn a long time ago (I’ll accept Farley’s death as The Moment), but it was still good. It hovered near the asymptote for years, but a few years ago plummeted southward along the Y-axis.

  329. True Fable
    July 3rd, 2007 at 4:16 am [Reply]

    #326 Actually, I do like SOMETHING about FW; the artwork is great. I’ll miss it but I think I’ll avoid it as much as possible from here on out.

    FBoFW I snark on For Better or For Worse because I’m an asshat who likes to snark on someone who writes sappy dialogue, painfully Durrr puns and who can’t construct a decent story arc to save her treacle-laden shriveled little heart. Call me irresponsible; call me incorrigible. Call me a cab; don’t care. It’s a pleasure I grant myself. Indulge me for fuck’s sake.

    Yeah, I like the possessive in that last sentence. Josh inspires snarkers.

    You know what’s funny? I didn’t even register Julia’s thumb’s up in panel three. I didn’t even register the characters in panel three. I read the dialogue and snorted at it, and then leapt to panel four of the Coming of the Foobocalypse.

    I have my battle gear on: anti-pun helmet; flak/crap jacket, and a bandolier of platitude proof snark bombs. Hip boots to wade through shit and dreck, and pants. Just plain pants; it’s not like any Patterson is going to remove them and I like comfort, what the hell.

    So, Angstony’s been wanting to dance with her for a long time, eh? Since when? Since high school or since she wasn’t alarmed when she met Julia? For all her oblivious charms (I know what I said) Julia’s chamelion changling act, where she went from girl to Jabba the Hutt back to girl again today, wasn’t anything Princess Liz to loosen her bun over.

    So WHY DIDN’T HE ASK LIZ IN THE FIRST PLACE?

    This is what I mean by LJ’s inability to write a decent story arc. It just doesn’t make any fucking sense. Not at all, none.

    Yeah, fuck you too, Lynn. :) You know you want me, say it.

  330. Lynngineering
    July 3rd, 2007 at 4:22 am [Reply]

    #322 Brown-eyed Girl – “…where he will relive his childhood throughout eternity, except he has to be one of the parents.” hmm.. stated like that, it does have some possibly perverse angles that could be potentially enjoyable.

    #323 Non Compost Mentos – ah, interesting author choice. If only Michael read him. He does know something about being a “Dick” though…(yes..I know, OBVIOUS, but all this CC-reading makes such comments happen.)

  331. CrabbyGenes
    July 3rd, 2007 at 4:37 am [Reply]

    #94 orthoclase says:
    “so she hasn’t eaten in nearly 48 hours. Naturally she’s a little irritable

    There’s a word for this: hangry. I use it frequently.”

    Thank you for that word, orthoclase! I can’t wait to introduce my husband and daughters to it. They all know, and often comment on the fact that I get really really CRABBY when I’m hungry.

    And you thought my moniker was only because Lucy is my favorite Peanuts character.

  332. messy
    July 3rd, 2007 at 7:00 am [Reply]

    not wanting to go through the posts at this time, I will say definitively that since Bud Sagendorff has been dead quite a number of years, yeah, these are reruns. He was very weird for the last twenty years or so he did the strip.

  333. andreavis
    July 3rd, 2007 at 7:06 am [Reply]

    FOOB: a quick note on Tuesday’s strip: HURRRKKKGGGKLLK! That is all.

  334. Sheilagh
    July 3rd, 2007 at 7:11 am [Reply]

    Could Dennis the Menace be any less menacing if he strained till his eyes popped? The answer is no.

    FOOB: I could puke.

  335. Lars Andersen
    July 3rd, 2007 at 7:19 am [Reply]

    That is clearly not Larry King. That is John Waters in a Larry King disguise.

    The pencil moustache gives him away.

  336. Jamus The Bartender
    July 3rd, 2007 at 7:28 am [Reply]

    MT: I don’t know why I didn’t include the lovely Miss Hill on the list. Sweet Jebus. Come to Jamus.
    9CL: I’ll tell you what I think of the sundress, SIster Mary Cut-And-Run. It’s terrible. Take it off. Now. *Grins*

  337. Motorposus
    July 3rd, 2007 at 7:30 am [Reply]

    Tuesday’s Mark Trail is brought to us by the letter M.

  338. Jamus The Bartender
    July 3rd, 2007 at 7:33 am [Reply]

    288. COTW, SecretMargo…..COTW* starts clapping very slowly, nodding my head*

  339. Rocky Jones
    July 3rd, 2007 at 7:34 am [Reply]

    Tuesday comics! $1.50 cheap!

    Foob: I have nothing to add. Everything I could say, you’ll find in the comments above.

    A3G: Just when you think it can’t get any better: Margo!

    Archie: Fringe benefits, eh? I saw that movie.

    DT: Action! Suspense! Young men helping old men out of cars!

  340. ChefMike
    July 3rd, 2007 at 7:37 am [Reply]

    BB: Sarge can’t afford a nice enough suit to go to the general’s reception, but his dog can? I wish I had a point to make here other than this strip has just gotten too stupid for words.
    C-Shaft: (at Tom & Chuck’s brainstorming session) “okay, we’re going to do a Fourth of July arc this week” “great lets throw something in there about Crankshaft barbecuing” “Okay great, have the fire department on call, I like it!” “No, No. fire department’s overused, let’s make it topical” “hey, what if we said ‘Homeland security’ insatead?” ” do they even have teams that patrol suburban neighborhoods?” “who cares, it’s already written!” “BRILLIANT!!”
    9CL: There’s a lot to hate about this strip in general. I particularly hate that we have these extra characters who both threw away religious vocations to have an awkward courtship. Now, I’ve been in the Catholic seminary before, I do kind of understand how spending high school in an environment free of females can make you kind of socially retarded when you’re released to the world and have to suddenly start relating to them, but I don’t think it can get so ridiculous as this, where you have no qualms about blatant public displays of affection toward your girlfriend and still need coaching on how to give a simple compliment
    FW: Three. Didn’t the article say he was going to wrap up the cancer arc by October?
    FOOB: this week, the anvil drops. No more false alarms folks I do believe the Lovepocalypse is in effect.
    GA: according to the “real time” storyline from the past couple weeks it took all of three days for the vacant lot to be cleared, the hoops to be installed, asphalt to be spread, and the court to be opened to the public. It defies logic, but then this is Gasoline Alley where all the characters grow old and die Except for Walt who is already something like 110 years old.
    SF: could use one of those handy Scaduto style arrows pointing at Sally “the urge to ‘clutter crisis’ him but good!”

  341. Tweeks_Coffee
    July 3rd, 2007 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    6/3

    A3G: “What, we could live with a crazy person!? How could we do that? I should strike you!”

    BaBl: “I know you we’re involved”? WE’RE!? Isn’t anyone checking this stuff?

    FOOB: Maybe your “date” is a narcoleptic, Liz. Of course that’s still no excuse to ignore you, is it? Of course it’d be even more unforgivable if he was tired because, oh, he’s been running around helping the wedding run smoothly all day.

    MT: A “man oil” leak? Mark is on the case!

    SFx: Uhm… what are those pills on the kid’s nightstand supposed to be, exactly?

  342. stinky pete
    July 3rd, 2007 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    FOOB: And they’re off! Pestilence takes the early lead, with War coming up on the rail. Famine holding steady in third place and Death bringing up the rear…

    MT: “an oil leak, and it looks fresh…there are some footprints here also!… and AN EYEHOOK!!”

    …at the half-mile mark, it’s Pestilence still in the lead with War a half-length behind. Death is making a move while Famine holds steady 4 lengths back….

    Marmaduke: It’s funny because he’s a big dog! Get it?

    …here they are at the three-quarter pole, with Pestilence and War neck and neck…Famine and Death just 1 length back!!

    Today, Doonesbury and Candorville are using the exact same joke.

    …here they come spinning out of the turn! It’s Pestilence and War! War and Pestilence! Death coming up on the rail! Famine fading in the stretch! And at the wire it’s… Death! Death by a nose! Followed by Pestilence, War, and Famine! What a Foobpocalypse Derby!!!!

  343. mattt
    July 3rd, 2007 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    #291 – FOOB – I seem to recall we readers were shown that Blanthony’s date is just compnay and in the know on his desire ew for Liz.

    A3G Margo is reaching heights of Margodome heretofore only dreamed of. That rocks.

    PBS One of the few comics these days that makes me laugh on a regular basis. Something about it I just like.

    FW Words fail to describe how utterly miserable this has become. It’s beyond merely bleak. I mean…sheesh. Well, if there can possibly be a silver lining to this one it’s that this strip can’t ever get any more awful.

    Are we still holding out for a miracle transplant from a newly found Darren? (Darrin? Whatever?)

  344. Spam & Cookies-mmm
    July 3rd, 2007 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    #329 “So WHY DIDN’T HE ASK LIZ IN THE FIRST PLACE?”

    Because Liz has to be rescued to feel loved. Anthony, after 20 years of careful study, finally understands this. Watch in later episodes as he “rescues” her from drudgery by buying her a dishwasher on Valentine’s Day.

  345. Allie Cat
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    FOOB – Ok, that was relatively painless. Lynn gets a pass on posting the letters yesterday because they were celebrating Canada Day (a fact which had Robin Sparkles’ Let’s Go To The Mall) running thru my brain all day yesterday.

    But today, I want FOOB letters. Dammit.

  346. TB Tabby
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:03 am [Reply]

    BB: General Halftrack is having a reception?! When did he get divorced and remarried?!

  347. Islamorada Girl
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    FOOB, FOOB, FOOB, FOOB! Auuuuuuugh! Run! The goggles! They do nothing! AUUUUUUGH!

  348. mumbles
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:06 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Elizabeth, a few words you’ll be hearing more of in a short time:

    It puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again.

    Methinks Mayes Motors is missing a utility van…..

  349. Dean Booth
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:14 am [Reply]

  350. Gojira
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    Monday’s Newsday had an article about an artist who works with puppets. Does this remind anyone else of a certain pool party we’ve been attending lately?

  351. The Roopville Kid
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:16 am [Reply]

    # 342 Love the Foobpocalypse Derby, Stinky Pete! I started chuckling and at each update, snickered even harder. Finally had a big laugh out loud.

    Ding ding! THE JULY LETTERS are up!

  352. Ginger Yellow
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:16 am [Reply]

    Next time I want to find out the location of my unfaithful girlfriend, I’ll be sure to gratuitously insult the people who might be able to tell me where she is.

  353. mattt
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    #345 Oh, thanks, Cat. Thanks a lot. Now I’ve got that song stuck in my head. But just the chorus. Good thing it was funny. (By the way, if you appreciated the humor of that video, you’ll love the opening of Music and Lyrics. The rest of the movie is your basic by-the-numbers romantic comedy, but the video is spot-on)

  354. Anonymous
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    # 202: Great post, Zooby, especially if you read it imagining the voices of Jon Lovitz, Jim Backus, Orson Welles and Rik Mayall.

    # 288: Wouldn’t “Dusty Labia” be a great name for an old drag queen?

    # 310: I work in the medical device industry. Reading your post reminds me I should quit surfing the snark and get back to work.

  355. Cornwhacker
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    Still no mention of today’s Zippy? Pretty much speaks for itself, I guess.

    I read Archie just before going to bed last night and I’m proud to report that the final panel did not give me nightmares. Feedbag aside, there’s something creepy about that un-cartoony horse, with its name prominently and unneccessarily displayed.

  356. Hogen Mogen
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    Foob: I hate this strip and where it’s going. The characters, the plot, the whole thing. The most especially annoying thing that turned me off was the fact that it hasn’t had a real punch line in decades. “Just…. everything.” What kind of romantic asswipe considers this at all funny? Oh, Lynn Johnston, giggling uncontrollably in her studio. Just our luck, Luann Powers got carbon monoxide, but Lynn Johnston’s studio got a nitrous oxide leak. Go have a smoke, Lynn.

    Anyway, let me play comics doc for a minute.
    Blandthony: I’ve been wanting to dance with you for a long time, Elizabeth.
    Liz: Just dance?
    Blandthony: Yes. How about we do the horizontal bop later?

  357. andreavis
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    MT: Gee, Mark, I also hate it when my m…an oil leaks. It just doesn’t make any sense! Oh, wait, maybe it’s because I’m a woman.

    (Mark, could I suggest using a duck to mop up that man oil spill? Worked wonders in Alaska a few years back…)

  358. Hogen Mogen
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    What would be the greatest story line in the history of Foob?

    Anthony-the-Big-Asshole: I’m leaving you, Liz.
    Liz: What? We just got back together and had sex ten minutes ago!
    Anthony-the-Enormous-Asshole: Yeah, I guess you just didn’t live up to the hype.
    Liz: But you have been pandering for years. That hype was YOURS.
    Anthony-the-Ever-Expanding-Asshole: Well, you should’ve banged me from the get-go, then I wouldn’t have had all that time to ascribe qualities to you of perfection impossible to attain, and we could have actually dated.
    Liz: You were MARRIED.
    Anthony-the-World’s-Largest-Asshole-And-Keeps-Getting-Better: Don’t make this about me, you passive-aggressive tramp.

  359. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    7/3

    JP: Sophie’s so polite! She hasn’t even pointed out that this ponytail is just a hastily tied-up mullet.

    (DT)GT: “If I’m not an ex-Negro Leaguer, I’m just some old guy who likes watching boys shower baseball.”

    H&J: Okay, which of them is terminally ill?

    BB: Otto’s tux has fishnet along the sides of the pants. What’s up with that?

    Archie: So Jughead gets all the moist, flavorless oats he can eat? I just want to make sure. It’s a little hard to hear the joke over all these crickets.

    RMMD: “Yes, it’s a grand organization called NAMBLA. Catchy, huh?”

    Kudzu: “Pierced beak.” Where can you go from there? Nowhere good, I’m sure.

    9CL: This was actually pretty funny today. Or maybe I’m just affected by the blessed absence of unicorns.

    A3G: Margo, when was the last time you took a long, hard look at yourself?

    Blondie: Dagwood locks himself in the bathroom and submerges his body in microwave popcorn. Which at this point surprises no one, including his boss.

  360. man behind the curttain
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    RMMD — “An organization that puts guys like you and me together. It’s called NAMBLA.”

  361. mere cog in the machine
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    FW: With all due respect Dr. Serious Black Woman, I can’t wait “months”. In fact, I can’t even wait weeks or days. Kill her. Kill her now. Inject her with an air bubble, strangle her with your stethoscope, bludgeon her to death with a frigging lamp because THIS MUST ALL END.

  362. Wellsey
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    A3G:
    Margo: Psychosis! You mean we’ll be living with a crazy woman?
    Lu Ann: No. Two!

  363. Gojira
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    RMMD: It’s not in NY papers, only started checking it on the Chron site the other week to see what the CCers were snarking about. Let me get this straight: Out of all the possible stories about dislocated people from New Orleans, RMMD does one about a white pre-teen with zero gay-dar and color-changing hair?

  364. man behind the curttain
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    A3G — “Living with a crazy woman. Yes, Margo, now you’ll know what it’s been like for me and LuAnn these many years lving with you.”

    FBOW — Unlike the readers of FBOW, at least Mason won’t have to witness the coupling of Blandthony and Lizard. Whatever he was drinking, make mine a double.

  365. BlueNight
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    And finally the truth is revealed: Crankshaft is a plugger! He left the lights on, just so they could find the car… or he forgot, but it turned out okay. Either way, it looks like in the Crankverse, a car whose batteries are close to dead can only manage to produce a weak stream (that’s prostate, not erectile dysfunction, BTW). It seems the theory of light pressure is true there. Now if we can get a strip about phlogiston…

  366. Wellsey
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Phantom would make an excellent Tshirt today. “Messing With Their Heads” — It’s a big part of what I do”

    Rhymes With Orange is trying to muscle in on Scaduto’s territory today with a diatribe against the real reason behind global warming, pedestrians.

  367. Never teh Bride
    July 3rd, 2007 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    Everyone in the FOOBIVERSE is doomed to marry their childhood sweethearts. Someday, after being apart for twenty years, April and Gerald will marry. So it is written, so shall it be done!

  368. rich
    July 3rd, 2007 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    Phantom: Despite its glacial storytelling and half-fisted action, the strip does now and again deliver an (intentional) belly laugh:

    “This is called ‘messing with their heads’…it’s a big part of what I do!”

    Love it!

  369. True Fable
    July 3rd, 2007 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    Yes, it begins the horror afresh: Michael mentions finding The Treasure of stored photos and crap. And dear lord, he even mentions someday leaving the house to one of their kids and moving down the block from them.

    Damn, Lynn; you are a one-trick pony to beat ALL one-trick ponies, aren’t you?

    Thankfully, Michael did not mention anything about The Seafarer Bitch Boy or as I call it, Purple Prose on the High Seas.

    I predict big pouting out of April this month, since Michael goes on and on about how dramatic she’s being, while she “writes early” and doesn’t mention it much. So yeah, Drama Queens will be in stock in Milborough. Oh, she also says she’s going to hang out with Shannon this summer – right after she says all her friends will be gone and she’ll be pretty much alone. Down to stems and seeds, huh, Apwill? And she’s going to see if Shannon can come over to visit while April is babysitting, which could mean one of two things: either it will give Wobin and Mewidith a chance to stare at a Noble TURFS, or April’s hoping to make out with someone one last time in the basement of the old house. Toss-up.

    Liz and her “Not I, though” slays me and she doesn’t mention Angstony at all. So brace yourself for what Lynn must think will be a “wonderful surprise”. pfft, for you maybe, Lynn. The way Liz is studiously avoiding talking about Granthony is a dead giveaway that Big Drama is also on tap for Her Frostiness.

    John’s letter is every bit as dull as John himself.

    Elly’s letter really cheesed me off. She talks about when April goes to college and they’re an empty nest house again, and then she adds “(with an open door policy)” and yammers on. Since when in the last year have you NOT had an open door, Elly? And why would you make it sound like April would be imposing on you if she came home during summer breaks? This just blows. Some parents actually kick their children out when the kids reach the age of 18, something I’ve never understood. It seems Elly is starting that two years early. I’m not surprised.

    And why the hell don’t Mike and Dee keep the dogs? Would they be imposing on His Majesty’s silence for his muse time? errr. I’ll let someone else deal with her letter. Put it this way – It was SO VITAL for her to be home-bound mommy when Merrie was a tot, but Michael doesn’t have to soil his hands. It’d make a difference MAYBE if Mike wrote thoughtful, insightful or good literature, but he’s a hack and it’s a waste of time. He’d be better off teaching his son that dirt does not magically turn into chocolate when you add water. Sheesh, maybe Mike doesn’t know.

    Yup, she’ll never respond to the Roopville Kid. Too busy padding her coffee talk with soft comfy fawning.

  370. Dennis Jimenez
    July 3rd, 2007 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    A3G – Shouldn’t that be “another” crazy woman?

    Blondi – Youser!

    DtM – Pray Dennis – pray to Shiva the Destroyer. Your lackluster menacing needs all the help you can get.

    FBoFW – An air sickness bag should come with this strip.

    MT – M-M-M…. I agree Sam – it doesn’t make sense.

    MW – Toeby – Ian – handiwork in the rose garden – somebody’s gonna have a chinbeard before this is all finished.

    RMMD – Puts guys like you and me together – ah, yes – very good.

    SF – Anything to avoid “exercising” with Sally – right Ted?

    A plugger cubicle is professionally cleaned each week by a truck from Waste Management, Inc.

  371. Little A.
    July 3rd, 2007 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    FOOB: When Michael fell off the roof of Mrs. Dingle’s house a few years ago, she should have done us all a favor and dumped a bag of lawn fertilizer on his head as he was sprawled out on the ground.

    Apropos of nothing, just thinking out loud.

    Where is Mrs. Dingle when we need her?

  372. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 3rd, 2007 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    #288,
    SecretMargo, I had a feeling I was uber-snarking on the NAMBLA thing. Now I must bow to the master.

    GA: You must understand, prison changed slim forever. That’s where he first received the head injury that led to his tinnitis. It’s also where he joined the Aryan Brotherhood.

  373. aquagirl2
    July 3rd, 2007 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    LETTERS are up!!!

    Liz has turned into Tony Soprano, blabbing about ducks all the time. What’s up with that??

  374. Desmond
    July 3rd, 2007 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Spiderman: Larry King? I don’t think so. That might be Larry King’s grandson…

  375. True Fable
    July 3rd, 2007 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Dear Lynn Johnston:

    You’ve read my missive of vitriole I sent to your site, and you’ve probably sent a Lynnion or two here to spy on your detractors. So, maybe you’ve gotten the idea that the one called True Fable detests you and snarks mercilessly on your rapidly decreasing ability to tell a story with any semblance of character development or sense.

    But you want me, Lynn. Oh yes: you want me Soooo bad, I’m a soothing Irish coffee you want to slurp down with your back bacon. You’re hot for my hate. You want my simple American AIR to rustle through your Dorothy Hamil wedge-cut. Baby, you know it’s true, don’t fight it. Give in. Give in to the Fable.

    The more you ignore me, the more I notice you. It’s the same old game since grade school, hot mama. Come give Fable some of your snooty Canadian vibe. Oh baby. I love the way you draw rabbits. I hate the way you write dialogue. Fair enough. You want me. I know you do. But you can’t have me.

    Suffer, bitch. You love it.

    TF

    / pointless playful scat

  376. cheech wizard
    July 3rd, 2007 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    285/Kronkina – re: Pibgorn, I’m not sure, but I suspect the bratty little kid is actually Pib, and the dorky guy is her tormentor, who is somehow projecting them into an alternate reality of some sort for who knows whatever reason. Being the plucky sort she is, Pib still manages to turn the tables on him. And that would explain why Dru perceives her signal as “altered.”

    Of course, this could be full of shit – we’ll have to wait and see.

  377. cheech wizard
    July 3rd, 2007 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    And, oh yeah – that Funky Winkerbean just cracks me up. How does he come up with this stuff?

  378. reader-who-posts
    July 3rd, 2007 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    FBOFW: I would say that I just threw up in my mouth a little, but that would be untrue. I spewed all over the damn place.

    MW: Yesterday Drew had a mini-me, now today it turns out he is a clone of the middle-aged guy next to Mary. This is starting to turn into a bad episode of the Outer Limits.

    Real Life Adventures: He may not be marriage material, but she still let him stay the night.

    Gasoline Alley: The only thing that would make this plot more racist would be if Slim offered the basketball players fried chicken to go home.

    RMMD: Now Niki, there is a similar organization I’m a member of that is more like a club. It’s known as NAMBLA, do you know what that stands for?

    Lockhorn: If only the Lockhorns would abruptly fade to black.

    FW: DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! Oh sorry, I just got carried away a little… DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! Sorry again, I just can’t help myself.

    BC: Let’s see, today’s strip involved the ant ‘skool’ with the teacher asking a question no teacher would ever ask – presumabely no ant teacher would either – only to set up a stupid punchline. I’ve got to hand it to this Mason guy, he’s really doing a great job honoring the Hart legacy – I could have sworn that Hart wrote this one.

    Non-Sequitor: HA! Everyone at the paper you’re reading is about to lose their job! Isn’t that funny?

    Drabble: Is it just me or is the water in that toilet bowl really high?

  379. The Divine O’F
    July 3rd, 2007 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Just got up; Credit where Credit is Due and answers and other miscellany:

    206 Dean Booth and 218 Non Compos: Thanks. I thought my caption was better too. Oh, well. If we keep at it, one of us is bound to break through to the finals, and then the Power of the Curminions can be unleashed on the voting.

    209 Spider Brick: I honestly think they are all great as is. I can’t even pick one as the “best,” but my favorite is the one about the ph levels because adjusting the ph in our spa is my job. And now I see that’s the one you submitted. It is really great. I believe I will submit #3, unless by the time I finish reading this thread I see that someone else has done so.

    229 Dean Booth: I cracked up at the Charlton Heston one. How do you guys come up with such good captions when I can’t think of anything but the thermometer?

    242 Ah Clem: Good one!

    284 Squid Countess: I suggest downloading and trying another browser. I have firefox, and it’s great. If you’re Mac you may have fewer choices. And re “Better Nate than lever,” where did you hear that? I’m pretty sure I made that joke up in the seventies. It had to do with a guy named Nate who was working on a mountain railroad, and something about if a certain lever was pushed the world would end. I don’t remember it either but I MADE IT UP and I think it was published somewhere. In a contest or something.

    326 True Fable: excellent and even touching disquisition/rant.

  380. CrabbyGenes
    July 3rd, 2007 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    I still haven’t caught up with all the comments in this thread (I’m trying, I’m trying.) But in response to some that I have read (#141, #142, and #154), I thought I would repost what I wrote below. It was originally at the tail end of a yesterthread, and I’ll bet it will now be at the end (or nearly at the end) of this thread, but what the heck.

    (my previous post)
    First of all let me say that I HATE Lynn Johnston’s strips now, and what FBOFW has become. Put together all the FOOB rants you’ve read by all the CC’ers in the past year or so, and that’s how I feel.

    That being said, I’d like to tell you that her early strips were really great. And I mean laugh-out-loud GREAT! I know, because I have the entire book collection. When I get depressed about this strip, and want to reassure myself that yes, this strip DID use to be good, I go back and read them. The early strips (we’re talking roughly the first 10 to 12 years here, but maybe longer), had grit, outrageous humor, snark, and REAL characters and situations. (You can see this if you go to the FOOBsite and read some of the archived early strips, but the books tell it all.)

    Somewhere, Johnston just lost it. Many Curmudgeons have speculated as to exactly why, and exactly when, so I won’t say it all again.

    I will say though, that when the strip goes to it’s weird hybrid format in September, there’s going to be a glaring difference (to anyone who cares to see it, and I exclude all those raving fans on Lynn’s website) that the strip has really changed and deteriorated.
    (end)

    There. Having reposted it once, I promise not repost it again. Perhaps some commenters here were not, at one time, big fans like I was, but I can truthfully say that the strip used to be a good strip, even a great one, whether or not it was your particular cup of tea. As good as Peanuts, as good as Doonesbury back in the day, as good as Calvin and Hobbs, and as laugh-out-loud as Pearls Before Swine is today.

    Sigh. If I’ve inadvertently started a war here, I’m sorry. At least this comment is (probably) at the end of a thread, and will be ignored by many.

  381. Non Compost Mentos
    July 3rd, 2007 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    Hey, I think I know where Gasoline Alley is headed! One of the Interchangeable Negroes will overhear Slim’s cluelessly racist comments, then stand up on a table and deliver a three-day speech about how despite all our differences, we’re really all one race–the HUMAN race! A spontaneous crowd will burst into applause, and Slim will say, “Wow, I really needed to hear that! Thank you, Interchangeable Negro!”

  382. The Divine O’F
    July 3rd, 2007 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    Spider Brick: I just submitted the wave machine one. Thanks! I think both it and the ph have a genuine chance. If the wave machine wins, I will send you the prize.

  383. Calico
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    #333 – indeed – I’m glad I had a plastic bag nearby.
    *Urp*

    MW – “Come, Drew.”
    “Uh, no thanks, Mary…I was hoping to save that for Vera.”
    I can see it now – the premier hellspawn of Drew and Vera.
    Maybe the first baby will be a boy and look just like Aldo.

  384. Mibbitmaker
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    #342 (StinkyPete): I’ve just discovered why Death won the FOOBocalypse Derby: the race was fixed — by Tom Batiuk!

    Curtis: Oh, yeah, that’s going to last!

    (DT)GT:
    Clammy: “…Why did you let me carry on?”

    Gil: “Well, to be honest, the fine folks at the Comics Curmudgeon needed you. You were like the next Aldo Kelrast to them, and I did those poor FOOB-shocked a favor. You were unintended comic relief, Yancy…”

    Clammy: “Clambake.”

    Gil: “…and that’s something to hold dear in these Lisa-dying times. I hope you understand.”

    Clammy: “Oh, I do, Coach… I do.”

  385. rich
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    Considering that in the Judge Parker universe the mullet is still considered the height of fashion — witness Roger, Abbey, Keith (a ponytail paired with a crewcut, no less!) — I have to give Sam credit. People in his world must look at him and think my god, that poor fellow — what a hopelessly old-fashioned hairstyle!

  386. commodorejohn
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    I just know I’m gonna get post-jumped five minutes after writing this, but here goes:

    A3G – Oh, Margo, you make the FOOB hurt and the FW hurt all better. Don’t ever change, okay?

    Archie – Jughead cannot afford to fursuit, so he satisfies his “inner animal” in a cheaper fashion. The ALGJU3K has apparently discovered Furnation.com.

    A.D. – A.D. seems to be continuing in the late-90s/early-00s Hart tradition, given that this is a Rush Limbaugh talking point in comic strip form (missing, of course, Rush’s explanation, personality, and wit.)

    BB – Why do I have “Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear” playing in my head?

    Crock – Sweet Jesus, what is up with his eyes in panel three?

    Curtis – This is so out-of-touch it’s awesome.

    DT – Is this Baron Jr. driving the car?

    DTM – Sure, it seems devoid of menace…until you realize he’s incanting to Cthulhu. I hope.

    FOOB – *vomits innards*

    No, that’s not enough. DAMMIT, JOHNSTON, IS THIS WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO? HAVE YOU REALLY ABANDONED ANY PRETENSE OF ACTUAL WRITING? ARE YOU REALLY CONTENT TO PUT EVENTS TOGETHER IN THE LEAST BELIEVABLE MANNER POSSIBLE!? YOU FRICKIN’ SELF-IMPORTANT HACK!

    FW – Just DIE already!

    GT – You’re not just some old guy who likes baseball, Clambake! You’re the Baseball God! We believe in you, man!

    HTH – Today is one of those strips where I think it must be a reference to something, because not only don’t I get it, I don’t see a joke there to get.

    JP – Please don’t let this turn into another Neddy/Cedric thing. Please.

    MW – Today’s commentary will be done by special guest commentator Morbo. Morbo?

    NECKS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!

    Thank you, Morbo.

    Edison Lee – is someone I can’t really disagree with today, as college really is that overpriced.

    TDIET – “Loafly.”

  387. Wally LimpingBean
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    “You only have months to live.”

    “ooops, I was reading the wrong chart, What’s your name again?”

    “oh dear, you better go have a great meal tonight because it might me your last.”

    “Wait a minute, you have years to live, you never, ever had cancer. I just read your x-rays wrong. Silly me. But the Chemo and radiation that we subjected you to is going to kill you in months.”

    “or days”

    “or years”

    “Oh, just come back tomorrow, and maybe we can straighten this whole thing up.”

  388. Old Bean
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    Golly. Why is everyone so down on Anthony? Am I the only one who’s on the poor guy’s side? True, Lynn has been teasing us a bit recently with the possibility that Liz will end up with some other chap, and though this left me rather anxious and confused at the time, I see what Lynn was aiming at now – how much more satisfying to see this wonderful couple coming together despite the obstacles that Fate (and you too, Lynn, you big wonderful tease LOL) put in the way! Maybe some of you found Anthony’s moustache a little offputting – ha ha I don’t mind admitting even I thought the young man should book a date with a razor – but now he has shaved there is nothing to stand in the way of Romance! :-D

    Maybe you Anthony-haters should take a moment to consider his positive qualities?

  389. Calico
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    #356 Hogen – was it you who gave us the hilarious comment several months ago about Lynn snuggling up to her two best friends after the strip is “over”…Virginia Slims and Vodka?

    That still makes me spew when I think about it. Good work.

    3G – three more sum-it-all-up words for Margo –

    Pot
    Kettle
    Black

    That’s right.

  390. CrabbyGenes
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    HUGE ALERT TO ALL!!
    HUGE ALERT TO ALL!!
    HUGE ALERT TO ALL!!

    Go to Elly’s Coffee Talk http://www.fborfw.com/fun/blog/
    and read ALL the July 3 letters about Liz and Anthony. AMAZING!

    Some of them are truly gross, but A LOT of them are great, and sound as though they were written by US!! I can’t believe that the Lynnions actually put them up!

    If this is old news, sorry. I STILL haven’t caught up with this thread, and I have to go to bed now.

  391. Allie Cat
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    #380 – I think a good many of us remember FOOB when it was great – I’ve been reading it for at least 20 years, so I’m with you.

    I’ve been reading the FOOB letters for 6 years, but I’ve only been snarking on CC for one – which should tell you, I have a love-hate relationship with this strip.

    All of that said, here’s how I see Lizanthony playing out… I can’t imagine that we have enough time to marry these kids off by September, unless they have a timewarp where six months pass in a week. Maybe that will happen. I hope so, because the alternative is having Liz as a perpetual blushing bride-to-be, and the thought of that scares me.

    As for the FOOB letters, I found them mightily unimpressive. If you’re going to cheat and “write them early” then also publish them early.

    Like I said – love/hate.

    FW – Another one I love/hate. So Dr. Hallet lays it out for them. Lisa doesn’t have long to live. I’ll be curious as to how they play out the Darin/Lisa thread, and I am actually looking forward to seeing this play out. I would prefer that she live, but it should be interesting to see what he decides to do.

  392. Squid Countess
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    #309 SSB said: “9CL: Oh, cute. Nerdy guy with hot girlfriend doesn’t know how good he’s got it. Again. Ha. Hey, McEldowney, where can I get a job publicly indulging my personal fantasies? I swear, if he drew Spider-Man, it would all be wordless strips about MJ and Peter randomly smooching. …Y’know, that wouldn’t be half bad.” Paging Dean Booth! Paging Dean Booth!

    Crabby Genes – I took Funky Winkerbean out of my Chron list, and that was that. Ignoring the megalomaniacal Batuik feels like striking a blow for the Lisa character and cancer victims everywhere.
    Plus, it really helped me when Secret Margo had an early rant which articulated that the people who are the most offended by FW are the people who have had intimate experiences with cancer themselves. I had been trying to articulate that, but couldn’t. Once it was said, I could let go. Subsequently, True Fable and Mr O’Malley, among others, have brilliantly highlighted that Batuik’s theory that he is championing cancer victims is a total load of crap. Speaking of Mr. O’Malley, has he posted lately? I know several months ago he said he was getting some in-patient cancer treatment. Mr O’Malley? Are you OK? Need anything? Mostly all we have is snark, but also well wishes and a pretty impressive ability to focus our mental energy on a single issue. (Especially if we can visualize an unattractive mustache on it.) Hope you’re doing OK.

  393. True Fable
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    #380 Crabby Genes: Well, everyone is different, so sure, there will be those who say they never liked FBoFW. And that’s fine; that’s simply the difference in tastes and everyone is entitled to his/her own take on issues.

    Me, I happen to agree with you. At one time I genuinely liked the strip, even laughed aloud at them. And like you, I became disenchanted over the years as FBoFW melted down and jelled like some kind of disgusting grease drippings that got down under the burner and now everyone in the house is wondering just what that awful smell in the kitchen is. Even after the stove is steam cleaned, the kitchen still smells but after we throw out the latest FBoFW strip that Gramma taped to the fridge door, the whole house is clean again.

    yeah okay I rambled just then, but all that is to say there is no war, only wide-spectrum preferences. :)

    let me just say this shoutout in closing:
    You want me, Lynn Johnston. Say it. Admit it. Own it, baby: you want the Fable to say Fuck you, Lynn one more time.

  394. Professor Fate
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    FOOB: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Hack choke puke. I need Gin now. For the love of God More Gin! Some things man was should not see. Tekeli-Li! Tekeli-Li!

    That said – we knew this was going to happen – the rumble of the oncoming glaicer of dumb has been unmistakeable.
    Liz enjoy your life cleaning out the gimp suit of a man who is the accountant for a local car dealer and who has a basement cell for his offspring and who apparently forced a underling to come to this endless wedding from hell. you deserve this.

    FW: I say months – I don’t know how many because shit I’m not a very good doctor.

  395. commodorejohn
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    #388 Old Bean – Anthony’s positive qualities…let’s see:

    * Stalker.
    * Proposed an affair with someone who had just had rape attempted on her…
    * …In order to satisfy himself in lieu of a loveless marriage to a woman who did not want children, but whom he pressured into having a child anyway.
    * And tried to foist care of the child on her, despite his promises to the contrary.
    * Played the martyr when he found out that she was cheating on him, despite the fact that he had tried to cheat on her as well.
    * Until recently, looked like a porn star. Now looks like a particularily mannish thirteen-year-old girl.

    And that’s just the stuff I know. Yep, there’s clearly a lot to like about Anthony.

  396. mere cog in the machine
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    H&J: It’s looks like our title characters may finally be coming to terms with their sexuality.

  397. Old Bean
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    #395 – Those are nice qualities, but there are more:

    - His name comes quite early in an alphabetically sorted list. Caine begins with C, which is very close to the start of the alphabet (try this out for yourself if you don’t believe me), and Anthony tends to start with the letter A which, well, don’t get me started on A. It’s about as good as you can hope for.

    - He has a daughter. This demonstrates that he either contains sperm or is willing to release his spouse from her cage long enough to obtain sperm from an outside source. As Liz would have learnt from Elly, a good husband needs at least one of these traits to provide the wife with Babies – the final, grim aim of marriage.

    - He employs were-toads. Perhaps weird shapeshifting human-toad hybrids are unremarkable in your gold-paved utopias, but in Canada they face an uphill struggle against prejudice. Anthony has taken pains to make this sick abomination feel socially accepted, not only offering her employment, but inviting her to a wedding to meet real blonde people, in the full knowledge that proximity to insipid ex-girlfriends could trigger a reversion to toad-form. Bravo Anthony.

    - He hasn’t yet been caught. This is a man who knows the pitfalls of a shallow grave. Anthony has shown great resourcefulness in cleaning up after himself. He digs deep. The ‘divorce’ story is now widely accepted. No jail for Anthony.

    I doubt I’m going to change any minds here. You all seem fairly set on outdated notions of ‘marrying someone with redeeming features.’ I just felt I had to speak up for the silent majority who don’t bathe daily in the waters of cynicism. Thanks.

  398. commodorejohn
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    Hey, I see a Roopville address in that letters page…

  399. messy
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    #359 and some others…The Negro Leagues didn’t disband until the early 1960s, although they were a shadow of their former selves after 1950.

    As to FOOB, what can I say that hasn’t been said before? I was totally pissed off at LJ for doing that to us.

  400. Mibbitmaker
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    More comics from the day the FOOBmusic died:

    JP: EW!EW!EW!EW!EW! I don’t care if she says things like a 52 year old, she’s a freakin’ kid, mullethead.

    PC: I’ve got news for you, kid: it was dull with Winslow there, too.

    MW: Mare gets dissed in the last thought bubble. Our inside man is BACK, baby!

    Preteena: “That first panel? No no no, that wasn’t whiteface I was wearing! Give me some credit here! …it was a bad kabuki mask, for heaven’s sake!”

  401. True Fable
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:35 am [Reply]

    #390 Crabby Genes: Well, hey hey hey! They actually printed a segment of my rant/letter to Elly’s Coffee Talk, pointing out the many flaws of Angstony Caineintheass!

    Now I KNOW Lynn wants me. My hate is the candle to her moth. >:D

  402. ralph
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    Squid Countess, 392, True Fable, 326 and 329, thanks for expressing so well what’s in my heart.

  403. True Fable
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    # 397 AHHHHHHH HAHAHAHA!!!

    “He employs were-toads.”

    OMG, ROFLMMFAO! Old Bean, I hereby nominate you God of Australia, NZ and wherever the hell else you please. I want were-toads on a shirt somehow.

    #398 commodorejohn: ’bout time, huh? I just sent an e-mail to Al Scaduto with a panel suggestion too. I’m happier than…than… than a were-toad on a moon-lit lily pad.

  404. Perky Bird
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    #390 Crabby–
    Oh my gosh! It does look as if the CC gang has infiltrated Lynn’s lair! Come on, fess up–who besides True Fable posted there? Good for y’all!

  405. Deborah
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    Can we just pause to enjoy the homoerotic glory that is “Blow me down”? Yes, let’s.

  406. andreavis
    July 3rd, 2007 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    #397 Old Bean– hey, don’t knock the initials A.C.– those are my initials, and they rock. I get to be first on all the routing slips at work!

  407. jana
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Anyone notice that Mason’s phantom facial hair has taken another turn? Yesterday, the Lincoln chinstrap. Today, the Hitler-stache.

    You’re not fooling us, Johnston. We know who the REAL ‘Stache is.

  408. Mibbitmaker
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    #391 (Alley Cat): I have a love/hate relationship with FOOB and FW as well:

    I loved FW in the 1970s and ’80s, at least until Band Candy Man and pre-spunoff Crankshaft were getting overused.

    I hated FW since the great Les-Lisa Near-miss-o-pa-looza ’94, AKA the Looooonnnnng Hot Summer of 1994.

    I loved FOOB in the ’80s- most of the ’90s (though Lynn’s treackly tendencies existed occasionally then, too).

    I hated FOOB roughly during this decade. The Eric beating (not to mention his stalkeriness well before that) was an early lowlight.

    As far as the strip’s JTS moment: The Liz/Anthony relationship shell game, starting in their teens. FOOB wasn’t truly bad yet, but that was the handwriting on the wall.

  409. McBangle
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    Longtime lurker here, but I just wanted to compliment True Fable on the totally awesome post on “Elly’s Coffee Talk”! Now that LJ is actually posting some negative comments on the Lizthony debacle, maybe Curmudgeonites could flood her with negative comments! http://www.fborfw.com/fun/blog/submissions.php Not that it would change her decision to marry Lizardbreath off to Granthony…

  410. Kate
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    FOOB makes me vomit.

    And the letters on Elly’s Coffee Talk? They say “We present an accurate spread of reader comments.” I know a bunch of people wrote in dissing Shan … non’s characterization, and very few of those letters were published.

    When faced with FOOB, I can’t be funny. I can’t even be grandly outraged. Both those responses require energy. With FOOB I merely move my head upon my pillow and quaver “It’s so bright here! Is this heaven?”

  411. Gap-Toothed Starey "HOOOO!" Guy
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean is starting to remind me a bit of Edward Gorey’s The Hapless Child, in which an innocent, undeserving little girl is subjected to one horrific misfortune after another, ultimately culminating in a gruesomely ironic twist of fate that leads to her death. It is outlandishly maudlin, tragic, and sadistically cruel to its heroine. She is swept along by the tide of the tragedy, a completely passive victim.

    The main difference between The Hapless Child and Funky Winkerbean? The Hapless Child is a parody.

  412. Old Bean
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    #406 andreavis – Exactly! You understand; commodorejohn understands… I guess there are more people who ‘get’ Anthony here than I thought. Sorry for shooting my mouth off.

  413. Paperback Rifler
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    I got a feeling that I’m gonna be the thread-ending entry today! Let’s see if I’m right:

    Dennis the Menace: I hope that the window that Dennis is talking about isn’t that window in his britches that’s covering his rear. Honestly, he really shouldn’t be receiving anything through THAT window at all.

    Mark Trail: Poor, poor Sam. Look at how she’s desperately trying to put on a show for Mark in that first panel; and look at her expression of unspoken longing in that second panel as Mark provocatively responds with an “M-m-m” only to dash her hopes by going on to talk about oil and footprints in a manner that could not possibly contain any sly double entendres whatsoever. Dammit, Mark! You just don’t get it, do you?!

    Popeye: I don’t have any actual snark on the current storyline in Popeye. I just wanted to take this opportunity to share that I watch a lot of cooking shows not because I want to learn to cook (and I haven’t learned to cook); I watch them just because whenever olive oil is named as an ingredient, I like to shout loudly, “Oh, POPEYE!!!” Yes, it’s more than a little sad; but it’s much cheaper than having an actual hobby.

    (THTI)Foob: I predict a run on breath mints as millions of people across the continent read today’s installment and throw up in their mouths a little. I don’t have much to add that hasn’t already been said by many a dismayed and horrified Curmudgeonista; but as part of my effort to seal the thread-ending deal, I do have a song parody to contribute. This almost comes off as a version of “Jumpin’ Jack Flash;” so apologies to the Rolling Stones and to everybody everywhere:

    He’s a bore,
    A charisma-challenged shnook;
    And he lacks
    Personality, brains, and looks.
    [Chorus]
    Though he’s shaven now, he still is the same.
    Though he’s shaven,
    Anthony Caine, he’s still lame, lame, lame!

    How he lusts
    After Liz and her biggish tail.
    And he keeps
    Francoise locked in a basement jail.
    Though he’s shaven now, no one is fooled.
    Though he’s shaven,
    Anthony Caine’s still a tool, tool, tool!

    Well he made
    His wife sound like quite a hag.
    All along,
    He desired to grab Liz and shag.
    When he saved
    Liz from rape that was statutory,
    He had howled,
    “Though I’m married, you must wait for ME!”
    Though he’s shaven now, he still is a creep.
    Though he’s shaven,
    He’ll still stalk Liz in her sleep, sleep, sleep!

    Anthony Caine, he’s a pain . . .
    Anthony Caine, he’s a pain . . .

  414. commodorejohn
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    #403 True Fable – About time, indeed. So the Lynnions are acknowledging the fact that everybody hates Anthony…but what about Lynn? She hasn’t responded; I find myself expecting a reply similar to Professor Rattigan’s rant near the end of The Great Mouse Detective. “I have the power! I am supreme! This is my comic strip!

  415. Old Bean
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    #411 GTS”H!”G – Yeah, I get a similar vibe from FW. It reminds me of those medieval tales where the chaste maid is put through an endless chain of lovingly described torments at the hands of evil unbelievers. But back then they could use ‘religious allegory’ as a handy figleaf for their misogyny and authorial sadism. Not sure what Batiuk thinks his figleaf is. ‘Realism’?

  416. Junior Tracy
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    Josh-
    Please – no one reads CC to see “Crankshaft” and “erectile disfunction” in the same sentence.

  417. Allie Cat
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    #408 – Mibbitmaker – that runs about the same timeline as mine as far as FOOB/FW go.

    I actually really enjoyed – if that’s even the right word for it – the Susan/Matt abuse and subsequent Wally/Becky drunk driving story lines of the mid-late 90′s because I thought they were fairly realistic – though the irony of a Julliard bound musician losing her arm was a bit much in some ways…

    As I recall, you’re also a fan of Arrested Development – just one more common thread of good taste. Douche Chill!

  418. mattt
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    #380 – Yep, I agree. FBOFW was funny and well-written once.

  419. zooby
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    354: Thanks! Credit where credit is due, I read it imaginging the voices of Peter O’Toole, Richard Harris, Richard Burton and Michael Caine. And maybe Barrymore.

  420. Justafoob
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    McBangle et al. You want someone else drug into the Saint Patterson clan so they can be beaten down?

    You people are sick.

    Granthony is perfect. He is like a pair of old jeans, already broken in and beaten.

    He will take anything that the Pattersons dish out and love it. Anyone else would be filing for divorce when they woke up in their honeymoon bed with Liz only to find Elly shaving the sheets.

    Liz and Granthony 4 evah.

  421. Paperback Rifler
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    Dang. It looks like I don’t have any thread-ending powers at all. And I was so sure that would work.

    Oh well; as long as we’re in the part of the thread where nobody’s really paying that much attention, I’ll go ahead and submit the following, which was inspired by today’s Cow & Boy. I’d like to think that the strip was intentionally going for a tip of the hat to They Might Be Giants.

    Istanbull was Cowstantinople;
    Now it’s Istanbull, not Cowstantinople;
    Been a long time gone, Cowstantinople —
    There’s a new name now for you bulls and you cows.

    Every cow in Cowstantinople
    Lives in Istanbull, not Cowstantinople;
    So if you want milk in Cowstantinople
    You will get it in Istanbull.

    Even old New Pork
    Was once New Eggsandham.
    Why pull that renaming feat?
    Why not just call it “Other White Meat”?

    So take me back to Cowstantinople.
    No, you can’t go back to Cowstantinople —
    Been a long time gone, Cowstantinople —
    What is Cowstantinople known as now?
    To find out, you might have to ask a cow.

  422. Calico
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    #390 – (See staff comment)

    Ooooh, I’m so prouuuuddd to work for you, Lynn!
    Please don’t lay me off come September!

    Now where’s that office bottle of booze?

  423. Non Compost Mentos
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    413 Paperback Rifler: nice parody (ooh, and a TMBG cover in 421)! Only one thing missing: “Jumpin’ Jack ‘Stache”

  424. tblue
    July 3rd, 2007 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    Well, she did it. In today’s FBOFW, Anthony makes his move. It seems appropriate that it happened right when Bush has commuted Libby’s sentence. In both cases, the “Decider” went ahead and did what we all knew he/she was going to do, no matter how inappropriate it was, and no matter how hard we all protested against it.

    Since this comment will undoubtedly get lost at the end of this long thread, I will probably be moved to repeat it when Josh posts the offending FBOFW strip tomorrow.

  425. queek
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    re: Nate and lever. Its a very old Shaggy Dog story, involving a giant snake named Nate and a lever, that if pulled from right to left, will blow up the world. On a good day, I can spin it out for 10 or 15 minutes. . . . .

  426. Calico
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    #425 – Hahaha – sounds a bit like “The Aristocrats”, but much cleaner!

    I want to see/hear an Aristocrats/Mary Worth parody. That would definitely alleviate some of the pain I’m experiencing from FW and FOOB.

  427. Modo
    July 3rd, 2007 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    Clambake: “I’m sorry, Coach Thorp. You got me. My real name is Crabcake, not Clambake. And I was talking about Ricky Henderson, not Branch Rickey.”

  428. alamo
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    squid countess — don’t be goin’ and givin’ that josh feller any ideas now.

    but i am sure there will be many more opportunities to grouse that to celebrate. i did hold back some seeds of those sour grapes just in case……you know, just in case my sparkling wit gets overlooked for some strange unknown reason. or even possibly just lost in the crowd. the competition is pretty fierce up here in the majors. just ask old clamcake. crab-bake. fruitcake. or what ever his real name is.

  429. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    July 3rd, 2007 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    Paperback Rifler @ 421: Excellent! The third verse was particularly inspired. Even Simon Cowell gives you a 10! You’re going on to Hollywood!

  430. t.a.m.s.y.
    July 3rd, 2007 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    My fellow Americans, our long national Clambake is over.

  431. AL
    July 3rd, 2007 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: While most of us are focused on the impending Foobacolypse, I have to admit that the pregnant interruption to S&M’s wedding gave me the first honest chuckle to FOOB I’ve had in years. I usually skip the Shannon strips because all the ellipses make it tough to read, but when April was chatting with the special needs kids at lunch there one kid who shouted out “Telethon!” reinforcing the last word of someone else’s sentence. You know the kid, bubbling with enthusiasm, but unable to convey it meaningfully in complete or original sentences. Sure enough, he did it again the next day with “other stuff!” High comedy…although likely unintentional.

  432. Brendan
    July 4th, 2007 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    So…not only is he not really a former Negro League star, he’s a 71-year-old sex offender. Let’s just hope he makes good chowder.

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