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Mary Worth, 10/31/07

Goodness! Could this dog-loving chinbearded baby-blue-sweatshirt-clad behemoth really be our Professor Cameron? At first flush it seems likely, because honestly, how many portly white-haired gentlemen sporting Amish-style facial hair could there really be within biking radius of Charterstone? But this individual has jawline-length hair, like some sort of damn hippie, and, more troubling, is showing the sort of pure, selfless love required of dog owners, rather than sneering superciliously at the mutt’s need for affection. Perhaps Ian keeps this dog hidden away somewhere for those times when he wants to feel genuine, positive emotions. Then when he’s done he goes back to Charterstone, grumps at everyone, and makes sure the “no pets” clause stays in the condo rules.

Apartment 3-G, 10/31/07

OK, who’s with me on TEAM SAM? Clearly Margo needs to cool it with the chasing of the unattainable wealthy jerks and see the handsome young thing right in front of her (or, in this case, just on the other side of the lightning-bolt-shaped panel divider indicating electronic communication). Sure, Sam doesn’t have much to offer by way of money, but he can provide the one thing Margo needs most: total puppy-eyed devotion to Margo. Magee’s a top, and she needs to find a bottom to make her happy.

Family Circus, 10/31/07

Today’s Family Circus actually made me laugh. The jack-o’-lantern really seems to have a pretty convincing of expression of mingled horror and disgust. It’s not as horrified as a person would be watching someone eat a pie made out of human brains, but still.

Dennis the Menace, 10/31/07

Tip for you, Dennis:

“We’ll skip this house ’cause they only give out toothbrushes and healthy stuff”: Not menacing.

“We’ll burn this motherfucking house to the ground ’cause they only give out toothbrushes and healthy stuff”: Menacing.

I’m here to help.

Archie, 10/31/07

The Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000’s total unfamiliarity with organic matter rears its ugly head again. There are few things more stomach turning than the idea of Jughead pushing his head through a hole hollowed out in the middle of what has to be a forty-pound hamburger. There aren’t any visible suspenders or anything, so the key question is: What’s holding it up? Mayonnaise and rapidly congealing American cheese, no doubt. Our Keystone Kop ought to end this crime against food with by beating Jughead senseless with his baton right now before that manhole-sized ground beef patty starts to go bad.

For Better Or For Worse, 10/31/07

Say what you will about the new hybrid FBOFW, but it did allow us to see Michael Patterson getting hit in the face.

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Mark Trail, 10/30/07

See, we’re only two days into the Amazing Adventures of Johnny Malotte, L’Homme d’Extérieur, and it’s already a gazillion times more amusing than dumb old Homer and the Shirleys can ever dream of being. I sincerely hope that in every single panel in which Johnny appears, he has several of his innumerable offspring draped over him, so as to indicate what a crowded, Soylent Green-type hellscape the Malotte compound is. The first panel of today’s installment shows us the dangers of backwoods inbreeding, as Johnny’s freakishly thick torso towers over his presumably high-school-aged son; either Johnny is a Paul Bunyan-like forest giant, or his son is a borderline little person (though perfectly proportioned, it should be noted).

Meanwhile, the idea that Tiny Malotte is going to have satisfy every whim of some pair of rich city businessmen in order to get the associate’s degree he needs to escape this overcrowded cabin forever is too, too delicious. Look for him to run afoul of Mark as he desperately tries to find hookers and blow in Lost Forest.

Apartment 3-G, 10/30/07

Oh, man, I had completely forgotten that Margo was running an event planning business! And, from the look of things, so did Margo. I wonder if Eric, like the wealthy and powerful everywhere, has expected Margo to drop everything else in her life now that he’s made her part of his business empire. I know we keep waiting in vain for an apocalyptic Eric-Margo conflict, but perhaps if he discovers that his new gallery manager is moonlighting organizing awards banquets for bleeding hearts, we might get one step closer.

B.C., 10/30/07

This is actually a fairly amusing cartoon for those with memories of and investment in the B.C. cast of characters, which, unfortunately for B.C., is pretty much nobody at this point. What I want to know is JESUS GOD WHOSE LEG IS THAT DANGLING LIMPLY FROM THE BACK OF THE SHELL?

Funky Winkerbean, 10/30/07

“Well, here we are … the brand new exposition in the exposition!”

“Thanks for bringing us here, Cindy … I really exposition to Funky to exposition.”

“I’m sure he won’t mind his exposition stopping by for the big exposition either!”

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People! Do you recall that I told you some weeks ago about the glory and majesty of Mark Trail Theater, a genuine Mark Trail-simulating performance in which your humble blogger would appear? And that it would be part of a larger variety show called Glitterama that would include many other acts that you would find amusing and amazing? It has come to my attention that many of you live within easy reach of Baltimore, and yet have not acquired tickets! This post will give you an opportunity to rectify your oversight! The details, again, for those that missed it:

• What: Mark Trail Theater, an eight-or-so-minute play that both lampoons and pays homage to America’s favorite asexual cartoon outdoorsman, Mark Trail, within the context of a larger variety show! Other acts in the show include comedy, burlesque, acrobatics, and more! Some acts may contain nudity, raunchiness, or inscrutable performance art, not appropriate for the younger kiddies, etc.
• Who: Me, my lovely wife, and several fellow aficionados of Mark Trail and/or irony, including a guy who looks uncannily like Mark Trail and another guy who we conned into wearing this bear suit:

  

  
• When: Friday, November 9th at 8 p.m.; Saturday, November 10th and 7 p.m. and 10 p.m. Doors open 30 minutes before show time.
• Where: Load of Fun Studios at 120 W. North Avenue in Baltimore. Mere steps away from the main Baltimore train station, so if you’re thinking, “Gee, I live in Washington/Philadelphia and don’t have a car, so I can’t come,” YOU JUST LOST YOUR EXCUSE, BUSTER!
• How: Huh, I … I don’t know exactly what that question means in this context. Oh, you want to know how to buy tickets? Well, you can buy them at the door, or reserve them online at Brown Paper Tickets. Only $10!

(Since I encourage the dramatization of Mark Trail in as many media as possible, I must point out that an entirely separate group of kindred spirits already do Mark Trail Theater … on the radio!)

Speaking of acting out comics: The unstoppable mother-daughter team of faithful readers that is Rainbird and Huntinbyrd felt that last Thursday’s Mary Worth cried out for a re-enactment. I think you’ll find the results both delightful and unsettling, just as I did:

And finally, faithful reader Toonhead has taken those bizarre body angles and karate-chop motions that we all know and love so well from Mary Worth and to their logical extreme by editing them together and adding 1974’s smash novelty hit “Kung Fu Fighting” as a soundtrack. Enjoy!