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Gil Thorp, 10/29/07

Uh-oh! In a totally shocking unforeseeable development, it seems that vaguely repentant “accidental” murderer Cully Vale is falling in with a bad crowd! That Mitch “found” that money in some old lady’s purse is obvious not least because he appears to be an Eisenhower-era greaser hood of some sort. Meanwhile in panel two Boyd Henry’s Chameleon Device briefly hit some kind of glitch, revealing his black, alien eyes. What sinister plan does this disguised extraterrestrial have for Cully, and for humanity? Only time will tell!

Cully is too dumb recognize any of the warning signs, obviously. He’s not even very in touch with the way his own body works. “Hmm, discomfort in my tummy … what could make grumbling go away? Food? Sure, food sounds great! I’ll try this ‘food’ of which you speak!”

Mark Trail, 10/29/07

Most of the comics are starting in on their Halloween stories this week, but none have offered a vision as terrifying as Johnny Malotte’s litter of spawn and their eager, smiling faces. It’s frankly a wonder that Mom can even sit up straight after pumping out this brood. I’m guessing the visiting businessmen will find this group of hillbilly Von Trapps more unsettling than enjoyable.

And yes, Johnny has facial hair, but he’s an “old friend” of Mark’s, so he gets some kind of pass. Based on his Captain Renault-style mustache and vaguely Frenchy last name, I’m going imagine him as a comical Quebecois outdoorsman for really no good reason.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/29/07

I’ll never forget the day I first visited my Great-Aunt Ruth and Great-Uncle Stan in their retirement community in the high desert about an hour outside of L.A. I was fourteen or fifteen at the time, and while I intellectually understood why they found the golf course directly adjacent to their backyard appealing, I was more impressed by the constant round of barbecues and cocktail parties — any time of day, any day of the week — that their lives had become. I quickly understood why everyone got around the streets of their little subdivision on golf carts and the speed limit was 15 miles per hour: because pretty much everyone had a buzz on all the time. Ever since that day, I’ve had one goal in mind: to retire in style. Thank you, TDIET, for reminding me to keep my eye on the ball.

Judge Parker, 10/29/07

*SPUT* *BLUB* DO NOT TELL ME THAT THIS IS HOW THIS STORY HAS BEEN RESOLVED. IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.

Sam is wearing his sunglasses to bring Extra Dickishness Action to this little conversation.

Hi and Lois, 10/29/07

Ha ha! It’s funny because Hi and Lois are bankrupt!

Lockhorns, 10/29/07

Ha ha! It’s funny because something pop-culture-related Loretta can’t cook!

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Ah, as the seasons change, the comments of the week continue!

“That Curtis is a non-comic strip. It’s like we catch them before the scene starts — ‘And another thing! Lucille Ball had class! You don’t see that anymore! Oh, are we ready?'” –Z. D. Smith

And so do the runners up!

“Ten years has passed in Funky Winkerbean, and there are people still alive?” –captainswift

“I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that Herb and Jamaal smirk like that while making love; smirking is pretty much their default facial expression. But it’s so much more unsettling in this context.” –Kumquat

“Hey, did you hear the latest news about the man in those popular books about magic? Let’s do that.” –Lizardmess

“Mystery o’ the day: Why does Curtis trust his hair care to a sentient, anthropomorphic baguette? Shouldn’t that barber be peeking out of the top of a grocery bag in a 1970s romantic comedy?” –Joe Blevins

“So … anyone else notice the similarity between Dick Tracy’s haunted house and, say, Emily Dickinson’s old house, with a shutter askew? Because I could not stop for death/ he kindly stopped for me/ I blew my brains out ’cause my loan/ put me in bankruptcy.” –Luprand

“It’s good to see Toni, TJ, and Brad working together to make a quality haunted house for the neighborhood children, but the thing that’s really gonna scare them is seeing Toni, TJ, and Brad re-enacting the penultimate scene from Y Tu Mama Tambien.” –Jamus The Bartender

“I can’t wait until next week, when Sam has to explain to Trudi and Keith that he had an opportunity to save their winery but couldn’t follow through on it. ‘You don’t understand,’ he’ll say, his chest hair bristling with grief. ‘The only way out was if I had sex. Sex with a woman.’” –Trilobite

“Marty Moon isn’t calling for Gil Thorp to be sacked because he knows that, if the subject of competence at one’s job were to be brought up, somebody would point out that he seems not to have noticed that he’s using two microphones.” –monkey.dave

“Why would you call anyone on your team ‘The Soph’ anyway? Hasn’t someone in their second year earned the right to be called by their name? Do they ALL have nicknames? Would Coach refer to Cully by saying ‘Hey, the Accidental Killer’s having a good game today’?” –Mooncattie

“I’d like to believe that TDIET is exhibiting a rare but welcome foray into the political arena by siding with the environmental movement and using his bully pulpit of the comics page to admonish corporate polluters who are dumping carbon and toxins into the atmosphere with no remorse. But I’m afraid the sad reality is that Al Scaduto is pissed that he can’t smoke in his office anymore.” –Bobdog

“I was like you once. Believing that RMMD was ‘going’ somewhere. That ‘stuff’ would ‘happen’. That garages would be cleaned. What has it got me? Bitter tears and ash. It is often said a picture is worth a thousand words. The problem with RMMD is that none of them are verbs.” –SmartPeopleOnIce

“I don’t know what’s most disturbing: the naked lust on Eric’s face as he looks at paintings in the first panel, that Alan thinks a camel hair jacket is appropriate attire for a junkie hophead, or that I can tell Alan and Eric apart.” –RaJ

“Y’know, Eric, I really need some money. And it’s occurred to me that you seem to have a lot of it. Do you know what else I’ve noticed? You and I really kind of look alike. A couple of minor changes, and I could even pass for you. But that would be crazy, right? By the way, what’s your Social Security number? Oh, no reason. Hey, look, a metal pipe! C-C-C-C-R-R-R-ACK!!!!!!!” –BigTed

“I used to worry that I was turning into my dad. Now I’m turning into Ted Forth.” –Gabacho

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Argh, those Sunday strips are so big! Let’s take them on in bite-sized chunks.

Apartment 3-G, 10/28/07

Yes, Ruby, and if your mad cosmetological skills don’t land you a hairdressing job, your mad unbearably-white-deployment-of-verging-on-outdated-slang skills should land you a role in that new off-Broadway production, Diff’rent Strokes: The Musical.

Panel from Beetle Bailey, 10/28/07

“I wish you got more to give me, Beetle. I wish you would just turn around and say ‘I love you, Sarge,’ never mind the consequences. But you don’t got the guts. So I’ll just stand here with my hand on your shoulder, your tight-football-pants-clad butt just inches from my crotch, for a few minutes. That’s all I’ve got. I wish I got more.”

Portion of the Family Circus, 10/28/07

I’m not sure which is more disturbing: the thought that daddy’s work pants are tattered and stained with cut-rate gin and urine, or the thought that daddy’s work pants are bright pink and end just below the bottom of his butt cheeks.

Panel from Mark Trail, 10/28/07

“Normal humans have nothing to fear from our friends the owls! However, horrible mutants — like this freakish, big-foreheaded specimen here — will be subject to vicious, merciless owl attacks. Remember, owls are your town’s first line of defense against mutant incursions!”

Panel from Mary Worth, 10/28/07

I guess those motion lines around Dr. Jeff’s head are supposed to indicate that he’s taking a deep, hearty quaff of whatever hard liquor he’s surreptitiously poured into his coffee mug, but they look more like bobble lines of shock and horror to me. Combined with his wide eyes, I imagine he’s thinking, “Wait, it isn’t? God damn it, woman, you know that if my son’s involved in this stupid comic strip, I need to show up in it every once in a while as well. Why can’t the plots involve Chinbeard and his trophy wife for once? Who are they sleeping with to get out of their contractually mandated number of appearances in this nightmare?”