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Hey, Uncle Lumpy did a great job filling in and now I’m back, and you know what that means … an extremely late post! More thank yous in the coming-soon comments-of-the-week metapost, but first let’s get Monday’s comics out of the way.

Crankshaft, 4/20/09

So last week it looked like Crankshaft and minor league baseball racial pioneer/fellow old coot Jefferson Jacks were going to talk some sense into a promising young pitcher who was considering using steroids, a plot torn from the headlines of brittle, yellowing newspapers from two or three years ago. I was kind of looking forward to seeing Jacks (who, if I’m not mistaken, was created last year solely to shame this same spoiled pitcher with his tale of racial prejudice overcome) talk about how all these juiced up ’roid cases are ruining the game, which had its glory days defined by a generation of humble, hard-working heroes who were tweaked out of their minds on meth.

However, I hadn’t counted on Crankshaft’s dedication to total authenticity in storytelling. The strip really wants us to understand what it’s like to be yelled at by an angry, loopy octogenarian, and so the dementia-ravaged Jacks loses sight of his original point and instead launches into some insane tale of playing baseball against the nascent Cuban revolutionary government. Soon we will learn that Jacks’ cheating led directly to the overthrow of Batista’s benevolent democracy, or that Castro maintained his iron grip on power over the decades only because he was juiced up, or something similarly bizarre and inappropriate.

Hi and Lois, 4/20/09

Speaking of old people, I’m a bit concerned that the Nostalgia Channel appears to actually be shouting “FATHER KNOWS BEST” at its viewers. I wonder if the channel’s name is to be taken literally, and rather than actually rebroadcasting the shows (the rights to which are expensive), it just features senior citizens reminiscing fondly and overloudly about them. “FATHER KNOWS BEST! Now that was a good show … oh, wait, am I thinking of My Three Sons?”

Apartment 3-G, 4/20/09

You know, being on vacation is fun and all, but I really miss little moments like this. Ha ha, you work that elbow, Tommie! You elbow the hell out of him!

Your boyfriend is totally creepy, though. He’s right about that.

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Mary Worth, (panels), 4/19/09

OK, we already knew Mary Worth speech balloons could have thoughts. But who knew those thoughts could themselves have other thoughts? Are they self-aware? Do they wake each morning drenched in sweat at the horror that they are second-order thought balloons in Mary Worth, and moan in heartsick agony for lack of a pin? And, y’know, fingers?

Meanwhile . . . it looks like Ted has come to his own stark realization — and his thought balloons are shouting “Get the hell outta Dodge”, all the way down.

Pack, Ted, pack! Pack like you’ve never packed before!

Rex Morgan, M.D. (panels), 4/19/09

To understand the dysfunctional dynamics of the Morgans, you’ve got to look past appearances. Despite her sippy cup and daisy-themed eyewear and apparel, Sarah has accepted the role of “adult” in the family, even though Rex still wears the pants. At least for the moment.

Run, Willie, run!

Slylock Fox (panel), 4/19/09

Psst . . . Cassandra — call him “Queenie”!

Judge Parker, 4/19/09

Finally, I must post in its full glory this epochal Judge Parker featuring Randy’s first day on the bench. Judge Randy breezed straight past Judge Sparky and Judge Donny into “Courtroom #1” — but the real decisions are made out back when the pals get together in their keen treehouse “Judge Club.” It’s exclusive — like the sign says, “No Girlz Alowd!” And that suits Randy just fine.

OK, that’s it for me! Josh gets home from vacation late Sunday, and maybe probably could get around to posting again sometime Monday or hey what was that noise my my look at the time oooh shiny!

I had a fun week — thanks!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Sincere thanks to everyone who supported the Pledge Drive — and if the appeal didn’t fit your schedule, budget, or charitable priorities, thank you for your patience. No more fund-raising ’til fall I promise, although “surprise” contributions are always a welcome treat! The button’s at the left under the Comment of the Week there. Just sayin’.

If you missed any of the Pledge Drive banners, they’re at the bottom of this page.

— Uncle Lumpy

Funky Winkerbean, 4/18/09

Passive-aggressive zombie Lisa Moore deftly sinks the hook, assuring that the condom will stay in Les’s jacket until he needs to replace the elbow-patches again. (No, he does not keep the condom in his wallet: Lisa’s picture is in that wallet! Duh!)

Personal note: Most of the time, making fun of comics is like plinking cans with a .22 — an idle diversion, not too destructive. An especially irritating strip might make me wish for a slightly higher caliber. But when the Dead Chick shows up in Funky Winkerbean, I start wondering how big a thermonuclear device it would take to blow eastern Ohio to rust and splinters. I suspect this is an overreaction on my part, and I’m working on it.

Mark Trail, 4/18/09

In panic, Rusty bends time, space, and perspective as Sassy’s wild glee ends in dismay.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/18, 3/28/09 (details, retouched: originals here and here)

Just as Seinfeld famously expanded the horizons of observational comedy, so Rex Morgan, M.D. opens new vistas for observational drama. Clueless yuppies Rex and June drift along on chitchat and ice cream, vaguely entertained by the epidemics, kidnappings, and murders that backdrop their meaningless lives. Great fortunes are reversed, families ruined, lives lost — none of it touches them.

Until now. In the person of Agnes Dunsmore, June confronts her own gin-soaked, loveless future. Staring through the veil at those fissures and spider-veins as into a mirror, she forms the thought that burns in her eyes, and breathes, “Guido — and now — before it’s too late!”

— Uncle Lumpy