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Shoe, 8/16/16

You know, I spend a lot of time speculating about the origins of the animal-dominated world of Slylock Fox, but significantly less talking about the bird-dominated world of Shoe. I guess it’s because the complete absence of humans makes it seem less like our dystopian future and more just an extended metaphor, but today’s strip has some unsettling implications. Of course, we’ve long known that the Shoeniverse birds devour each other. But now it’s clear that there’s some secret reserves of humans — or perhaps just the salted, preserved flesh of our most beloved actresses — that the sapient bird-men and -women serve up for very special occasions.

Beetle Bailey, 8/16/16

I love how angry Cookie is at Beetle’s assumption that Otto eats ordinary dog food like an ordinary dog. He walks upright and wears clothes, Beetle! Are you insane? Do you not know what that signifies, in a comic strip?

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Mary Worth, 8/15/16

I’m back, everyone! Let’s give a huge shout-out to Uncle Lumpy, who did admirable work while I lounged around my darkened bedroom in a Vicodin haze, the shadows emphasizing how ripped my torso is. I was worried for a bit that I’d get fired, but then I realized that I own this darn website! I can do all the pills I want!

Anyway, after reviewing the past week of Mary Worth, I’m glad to see that the current storyline continues to promote the pill-popper lifestyle. For a minute it looked like Tommy might have some trouble doctor shopping, but it turns out that if you’re clever and determined enough, you can get all the delicious painkillers you needed, as you can tell by the pill bottles lined up on Tommy’s bedside table. And now that he’s being fired from his lame sandwich job, he’s got more time to enjoy his Vicodin. Win-win!

Judge Parker, 8/15/16

Meanwhile, in classic Judge Parker fashion, we’ve been treated to both the drama-filled run-up to Derek’s band’s gig and the ecstatic aftermath without actually seeing the performance itself. The important thing here is that Zeke, having been corrupted by Honey’s flirtatious banter, has switched from Monster® Energy Drink to Osipov Vodka. This is apparently not a real vodka brand, though Googling it led me to a book called The Rise of the Centaurs, so I have no regrets. Anyway, it’s going to be very sad when this bad decision leads to all these teens being killed in a drunk backseat driving accident.

Gil Thorp, 8/15/16

Speaking of getting killed in a drunk driving accident, Barry Bader’s drunk driving dad is going to, uh, take a plea, I guess? Given the lightning-fast pace of the U.S. court system, this plot should finally be wrapped up just in time for football season in 2019.

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Family Circus, 8/7/16

“Excellent,” thinks Mommy. “While they still instinctively resist the regimentation the school year places onto their lives, their spirits have been so thoroughly broken that they can no longer conceive of life without it, so they reproduce it, cargo-cult fashion, when not required to actually report to the classroom. Look, little PJ is already eager for structure and discipline, before he’s even gone to school! They’re definitely ready for their status as emotionally numbed drones.”

Panel from Slylock Fox, 8/7/16

How dare Count Weirdly pull some obscure ice cube trickery to cover his tracks? That monster! Meanwhile, Sly and Max have gained access to Weirdly’s property with a search warrant that appears to just be a piece of paper with “SEARCH WARRANT” written on it.