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Archie, 5/10/16

Today’s Archie is neat little package justifying the economic stratification of society. You may believe that the 1% do less to earn their vast wealth than, say, factory workers or service personnel, but look! A single, dignified bead of sweat drips from Mr. Lodge’s brow, indicating that he too, in planning LodgeCo’s next strategic moves, is performing labor for which he deserves renumeration. Archie, in the background, demonstrates the real fecklessness of the parasitical taker classes, perspiring with anxiety over the destruction he’s caused, not thanks to good honest work. The message is clear: sweat smarter, not harder.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/10/16

The producers of the new Starbuck Jones movie have decided to shoot in blighted Northern Ohio, because of generous tax credits offered by the state it would be convenient for the lead actor and writers. This has caused a lot of rejoicing, but as we all know, the Funkyverse has a very powerful Law of Conservation of Misery, so clearly this has to be a serious problem for somebody, sooner or later. How long will that bus stay wedged in that alley before the kids have to turn to cannibalism?

Spider-Man, 5/10/16

Remember, the comics pages’ most mediocre superhero deserves an extremely middling rogues gallery! I honestly can’t get enough of any of these people being insulted to their face.

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Hello, faithful readers! I am back in the saddle and better than ever. I had a wonderful if extremely exhausting time on my book tour. Attendance really blew right past my expectations, and I might try to do some west coast dates later this year, so watch this space. I got to meet many of you, including a young man in Buffalo who asked me to autograph a printed out joke from my blog where I made fun of Archie! I was very, very thrilled to do this.

Anyway! Huge thanks to everyone who contributed during the fundraiser — you’ll be getting personalized thank yous soon, along with queries for info on where to send your tote bag, if you want one. And huge thanks to the unflappable Uncle Lumpy, who got to experience the most shocking moment in recent Mary Worth history, and who was hilarious all week. As Uncle Lumpy noted, though, Mary Worth’s new artistic regime is only working on Sunday strips for now, so in today’s strip, the world is back in the configuration that we all know and understand.

Mary Worth, 5/9/16

I love how Cathy has managed to get all the way up to touching distance in the middle of this vast expanse of concrete and Dawn is only now noticing her. Presumably her mind is far, far away, thinking about Harlan bending over in his short yoga shorts and how she is definitely 100% only friends with him, the sort of friendship that’s so all-consuming that you don’t have time for non-Harlan friends, because what use are non-Harlan friends, really?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/9/16

In other soap strip personnel news, as promised Rex Morgan, M.D., artist Terry Beatty is now Rex Morgan, M.D., artist and writer Terry Beatty. And the first thing happening under the new regime is that Rex and June are definitely not buying this fusty old money pit, which is great news for lovelorn pinheads. I love Rex’s genuinely thoughtful face in panel three. “No three-prong plugs? But … how will I power the laptop I use to ignore you?”

Crankshaft, 5/9/16

Haha, looks like Rose, the character introduced to make sure that Ed Crankshaft wasn’t the least likable person in the comic strip named after him, is about to die! It’s zany punchlines like this one that really make Crankshaft the “fun” Funkyverse strip.

Pluggers, 5/9/16

You know, I’m pretty mean to the pluggers in Pluggers, but if you’re not overwhelmed by terrible empathy looking at this man-dog’s sad facial expression as he contemplates the amount of water he needs to choke down all the pills keeping him alive, you’re some kind of monster.

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Hi everybody! Huge thanks to all you wonderful people who came out to my DC and Baltimore book tour events — I had a blast meeting and talking to you. Those of you at either end of New York State: I am coming your way next week, so please plan your lives accordingly!

• May 2, 7 pm, at the City Reliquary in Brooklyn!
• May 5, 7 pm, at Talking Leaves Books in Buffalo!

If you haven’t bought my novel yet and are planning on attending one of these events, I would ask that you hold out and buy it there, because that helps out the bookstores who have been nice enough to host me. (If you haven’t bought my novel yet and won’t be able to make it to any of these events, well, you know what to do.)

And to give me a little breathing room as I lean into the second half of my trip, I am handing the keys to the site to your beloved Uncle Lumpy for the next week or so. He’ll start tomorrow and be in the driver’s seat until Sunday, May 8. Be nice and don’t get into the liquor cabinet while I’m gone!

And meanwhile, here’s the comment of the next couple weeks, since Uncle Lumpy can’t bear choose amongst you:

“Skitter, the social media platform where cockroach politicians accidentally post pictures of their genitalic hooks.” –Dagger

The runners up are also hilarious!

“Torture sheds, or hot boxes, are an old tradition. Making them too small to stand up in is basic. But really, the combo of lowered floor and giant window is evil genius. Not only does it mean Herb will cook in the sunshine, it means Tootsie can stand outside, watching him, mocking, and waving the key to the shed forever beyond his reach.” –Downpuppy

“More aggressive hardhat and chin-thrust profiles please. Let’s re-launch Socialist Realism!” –Lorne

“Why youze not blooming like th’ oddas? I’d hate for to have to spill this hot coffee on ya, all accidental like.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“What’s really selling the book, Rex, is that new font your daughter designed. Monotype Saramond is going to ship with Windows Word!” –Voshkod

“‘This cavern must be worth a fortune!’ thinks Mark, as he launches into his famous Ethel Merman imitation in a chorus of ‘Everything’s Coming Up Sheetrock’ from the musical Gypsum.” –seismic-2

“I’m a little disappointed that this conversation is actually germane to the plot. That cheapens it, in a way. This stirring repartee about gypsum seems like the kind of thing Mark would do just to pass the time while trapped in a cave. Or while waiting at an airport. Or during a romantic dinner with his wife.” –Joe Blevins

“At least the creators have enough savvy to know people nowadays take photos with their smartphone. Panel 2 could’ve had a guy in a fedora holding up an accordion camera with a giant flashbulb.” –giraffe-o

“Ha ha, silly Dolly: drones don’t deliver life, they deliver death. Someday, when the ATF finally comes for the Kompound, you’ll understand this.” –pugfuggly

Mary Worth: “I have no doubt that there’s nothing more that color monkeys — frustrated artists that they undoubtedly are — enjoy more than flood-filling the masters’ works with 25% gray tone. ‘I can’t get a showing the most marginal of galleries while this motherfucker’s been dead 500 years and is not only still on display in every major museum, but he gets all the sweet Mary Worth cameos. Take that, Neoplatonic ideal of human grandeur!’” –Effluvius Erratus

“I’m always constintly at odds, a-fussin’ and a-fightin’ with my maw. Who knows what kinda psychic-a-mological reepercussins this sorta dynamic is gonna have on my relations to women later on in life, includin’ the way I treat you, Mary Beth!” –Chareth Cutestory

“Gil’s treating this ritual with exactly as much reverence as he treats anything involving Marty Moon. It will end, as always, with the ceremonial Contemptuously Flippant Dismissal of Marty’s Opinions About the Team.” –Horace Broon

“Ok, I recognize Rodin’s ‘The Kiss’ but is that supposed to be Degas’ liitle dancer in the glass case? Or is that the ‘Break glass in case of not succeeding with the coed you are seducing’ fixture?” –lumaca morente

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.