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“Hello kids, and welcome back to World of Animals — I’m your beloved host, Carl. Well, it seems like it’s been forever, so let’s all catch up — on fascinating Nature Facts from the wonderful World of Animals!”

Family Circus, 9/4/22

“I guess they call them ‘charismatic megafauna’ because they hog all the damn attention! Even out of the mind of babes it’s pretty much mammal, mammal, mammal, except for that ridiculous bug. Barfy there seems as peeved as I am about this: Reptiles are creatures, too!“

Mark Trail, 9/4/22

“‘Armored body,’ indeed—it looks like somebody is trying to grab a little of that turtle élan. And everybody knows leprosy is just the poor mammal’s salmonella. How would you like it if we reptiles put on hair and pretended to be like you?”

“Not much, I bet!”

Phantom, 9/4/22 (panel)

“Now, I’m not saying mammals don’t have their uses—like, say, if you’re a dead guy trying to guard the tomb of a different dead guy.”

Slylock Fox, 9/4/22 (panel)

“But if you want a real pal—to light your way in the darkness, sound the alarm, or take care of the kids—you can’t go wrong with Class Reptilia. It’s true!

Thank you for your kind attention.

— Turtle Carl

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So ends the 2022 Comics Curmudgeon Summer Fundraiser. As much as the blog depends on its regular subscribers, it’s one-off, “drive-by” contributions from nonsubscribers that have kept The Comics Curmudgeon a sustainable project for more than eighteen years. If you enjoy this site every day but haven’t hit the Tip Jar in a while, consider doing so now. And thank you, generous readers one and all!

Dennis the Menace, 9/3/22

“Kid, did you somehow forget I’m married to Alice Mitchell? Go bother Dagwood or something.”

Menace level: pwned!

Crankshaft, 9/3/22

Hannah is smiling because she’s going to follow her boss’s instructions exactly and compress eleven years of 26 30-minute episodes each into a single 4GB MP4. Channel One viewers will be treated to 143 hours of nine flickering gray squares, accompanied by tiny squeaks every half hour or so. Sure beats the original John Darling Show!

Gil Thorp, 9/3/22

Welcome to Oreintation for the Milford School of Mines. The crew team’s Oarintation is across the hall.

With Funky and now Gil, the comics seem to be introducing their trans characters in alphabetic order; this puts Hägar‘s Hamlet (→ Ophelia, obv.) up next, followed by Dot and Ditto from Hi and Lois (they could just switch). Meanwhile, Tobias, welcome to Milford Football: what’ll it be, fullback or defensive tackle?

Lockhorns, 9/3/22

Leroy’s gut blocks the strike zone, so whether walked or hit by a pitched ball, he always reaches first. He celebrates because walks don’t hurt as much.

–Uncle Lumpy

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Omigosh, it’s the last day of the 2022 Comics Curmudgeon Summer Fundraiser! Hurry!

Dick Tracy, 9/2/22

Moon citizens have no choice whether or not to live under fascism, but they do get to pick their preferred flavor. Enjoy the wholesale militarization of society in service of external conquest? Line up behind Ro-Zan over there! Prefer the quiet suffocation of human rights under an all-powerful domestic security state? Team Thorin for you!

No matter to Dick: he’s just a cop, you guys do the executions! After all, “He who wins the war writes the history.” Or maybe, “History is written by the victors?” Dick doesn’t care; he’s just a cop: leave the quotation-mangling to Mary Worth.

Gil Thorp, 9/2/22

Speaking of mangling, remember when Gil Thorp was famous for bizarre jump-cuts between panels? No more! Now the unsettling breaks come within the panels themselves. Consider Panel 1—”They got coffee for us” : “Shouldn’t we get coffee?” : [“Uh, yeah Dad, that’s why they got it?”]. Or take Panel 2’s confusion of sarcasm with trolling. Trolling would be, “You’re bringing that nose-wart into my high school?” Panel 3 is just routine recruitment of your kid as a divorce-ally; I’ll permit it.

Mary Worth, 9/2/22

Say, it’s been over a week; let’s drop in on Jared and Jess! Guilt no longer lives in his heart! Apparently it leads to suffering or something, not sure if I’ve got that quite right? Anyway, Jess, now that Jared has discovered the joys of dumping people, guess what? No bad blood though, OK? Hate that stuff, we do.

Just a reminder that there are no Comment of the Week posts on my watch. Josh will be back Sept. 10^th; take it up with him!

–Uncle Lumpy