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Apartment 3-G, 11/3/07

Alan’s pitch for an advance on his paltry part-time curator paycheck continues. Let’s get one thing straight, Alan: you don’t defeat New York with money. You do it with guts! And gumption! And good-old fashioned elbow grease! You work hard, you play hard, and eventually you’re the king of New York! You look the Big Apple right in the eye and say, “Hey, Big Apple, I belong here as much as anybody else! I’m gonna take a big bite out of you — and it’s gonna be sweet!”

No, you can’t beat New York with money. You can, however, buy drugs in New York with money. Which will be convenient for you if you can get that paycheck advance.

The DTs already seem to be hitting Alan pretty hard if Eric’s ballooning fish-lipped visage in panel three is an accurate depiction of what he sees.

Judge Parker, 11/3/07

It’s a little-known fact that film stars often take cameo appearances in soap opera comics to earn a little extra cash. Sometimes they take on roles that you wouldn’t expect. For instance, today Sophie is being played by Cillian Murphy, the Irish star of 28 Days Later and Sunshine:

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Apartment 3-G, 11/1/07

OH SNAP!

I mean, literally. Snap. There’s a big “snap” there in the second panel.

For some reason.

It’s not like “snap” is the noise a phone makes when you hang it up or something.

Kind of weird.

Anyway.

This little tiff does nothing to dissuade me from rooting for the inevitable Margo-Sam pairing. We all like a little drama in our fictional romances, am I right? They’re the Tracy and Hepburn of the new millennium, as indicated by the fact that Margo is trying to haul off and punch Sam in the second panel. Ha ha, silly Margo! You can’t punch a person through the phone! Sadly, technology has not advanced to that point yet.

Spider-Man, 11/1/07

So do we have to add anti-Hellenism to Spider-Man’s long list of crimes? So many of the traditional libels against the Greek people — that they control the media, that they enjoy blowing up innocent newspaper trucks, that they have a weakness for hideous faux-Rococo decor, that their inordinate vanity drives them to sculpt their eyebrows into upswept, Romulan-style points — are on display here. I’d be outraged if Spider-Man didn’t as a rule lull me into a state of ennui-tinged semi-consciousness.

Mary Worth, 11/1/07

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD MARY IS GOING TO TAKE THIS INJURED DOG BACK TO HER APARTMENT AND NURSE IT BACK TO HEALTH! You read it here first. She’ll use it as a proud emblem of her newfound philosophy that we should love with “simplicity and purity,” as the animals do. Then, of course, the inappropriate urination will begin.

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Mary Worth, 10/31/07

Goodness! Could this dog-loving chinbearded baby-blue-sweatshirt-clad behemoth really be our Professor Cameron? At first flush it seems likely, because honestly, how many portly white-haired gentlemen sporting Amish-style facial hair could there really be within biking radius of Charterstone? But this individual has jawline-length hair, like some sort of damn hippie, and, more troubling, is showing the sort of pure, selfless love required of dog owners, rather than sneering superciliously at the mutt’s need for affection. Perhaps Ian keeps this dog hidden away somewhere for those times when he wants to feel genuine, positive emotions. Then when he’s done he goes back to Charterstone, grumps at everyone, and makes sure the “no pets” clause stays in the condo rules.

Apartment 3-G, 10/31/07

OK, who’s with me on TEAM SAM? Clearly Margo needs to cool it with the chasing of the unattainable wealthy jerks and see the handsome young thing right in front of her (or, in this case, just on the other side of the lightning-bolt-shaped panel divider indicating electronic communication). Sure, Sam doesn’t have much to offer by way of money, but he can provide the one thing Margo needs most: total puppy-eyed devotion to Margo. Magee’s a top, and she needs to find a bottom to make her happy.

Family Circus, 10/31/07

Today’s Family Circus actually made me laugh. The jack-o’-lantern really seems to have a pretty convincing of expression of mingled horror and disgust. It’s not as horrified as a person would be watching someone eat a pie made out of human brains, but still.

Dennis the Menace, 10/31/07

Tip for you, Dennis:

“We’ll skip this house ’cause they only give out toothbrushes and healthy stuff”: Not menacing.

“We’ll burn this motherfucking house to the ground ’cause they only give out toothbrushes and healthy stuff”: Menacing.

I’m here to help.

Archie, 10/31/07

The Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000’s total unfamiliarity with organic matter rears its ugly head again. There are few things more stomach turning than the idea of Jughead pushing his head through a hole hollowed out in the middle of what has to be a forty-pound hamburger. There aren’t any visible suspenders or anything, so the key question is: What’s holding it up? Mayonnaise and rapidly congealing American cheese, no doubt. Our Keystone Kop ought to end this crime against food with by beating Jughead senseless with his baton right now before that manhole-sized ground beef patty starts to go bad.

For Better Or For Worse, 10/31/07

Say what you will about the new hybrid FBOFW, but it did allow us to see Michael Patterson getting hit in the face.