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Funky Winkerbean, 4/22/14

Welp, at last, Jess has solved the mystery of why her father was murdered. It’s not just because he was a dick that nobody liked; it’s because one of the people to whom he was a dick disliked him so much that he decided he deserved to be killed. Shouldn’t she be filming this or something?

Judge Parker, 4/22/14

Hahaha, remember when Abbott gave April a bunch of diamonds of mysterious provenance? Well, apparently they were a wedding present for Randy (a dowry, maybe?), and also bait to lure the Gardia brothers into a firefight they can’t win, and, well, if Randy gets killed in the crossfire while April safely wanders around the jungle looking for Katherine, then I don’t think too many people are going to lose sleep over that, do you?

Apartment 3-G, 4/22/14

Oh, man, I love that Tommie is just holding the phone away from her head as Margo launches into her freakout. “Not coming home — I don’t undersand. What’s going on?! Who’s going to cook me dinner?!? I’m getting hungry! Tommie? Tommie?”

Gil Thorp, 4/22/14

In case you’re wondering what’s going on with wacky klutzy Lucky Haskins and Amy Lange: Lucky has convinced Amy that she can improve her luck by rubbing his head. That isn’t a euphemism for anything, though as you can see here their encounters are suffused with a certain queasy eroticism.

Spider-Man, 4/22/14

Good news, everyone! Spider-Man and “Iron Jonah” aren’t going to be killed by plummeting into the arch in Washington Square Park because they’ve been saved by Iron Man at the last minute. Since the whole point of this crisis was that Jonah was going too fast and any impact would leave him smeared all over the inside of that outdated Iron Man suit, I’m not sure how Iron Man SLAMMing into him at full speed is really much of a solution, but any denouement in which Spidey’s rescue attempt is upstaged by another, better superhero is OK with me.

Heathcliff, 4/22/14

Heathcliff and his ex-con dad have trained an army of bee henchmen! Nobody can touch them now.

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Apartment 3-G, 4/19/14

Well, this thing has finally wended its way to wherever the hell it is it’s going! And that hell is: Tommie is going to “work” through the grief of her fiancé dying in a plane crash by “working” as a vet tech! She used to “work” as a nurse, which is not the same thing as a vet tech, but Jack is a large animal vet and humans are a kind of large animal, so probably she’ll do fine, and anyway she got fired for being sad about her dead fiancé, which strikes me as slightly illegal? Hopefully she’ll get “paid” for her “work”! And hopefully Jack won’t continue to be super mean to her? This all seems super emotionally healthy, A+++ grieving, good job, everybody.

B.C., 4/19/14

Ha ha, these talking turtles are planning to … kidnap and enslave that talking bird, for its eggs? I’m not in favor of that, and in addition would like to point out that turtles also lay eggs.

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Apartment 3-G, 4/12/14

DEER DRAMA UPDATE: After being yelled at by the mean large animal vet for taking a baby deer out of the wild and raising it in a New York City apartment and leaving it completely unfit for life in its natural habitat, Tommie became convinced that the vet was going to kill the baby deer and so she and the deer fled, and now she’s preparing to do the only thing more insane than keeping a baby deer in a New York City apartment: keeping a baby deer in a motel where they probably won’t even let you keep a dog without paying a hefty deposit. “Deer? What deer? Why, this is my son, my hairy, hairy son, as you can tell because he’s saying ‘bleat’ aloud rather than actually bleating like a deer would. By the way, this room smelled like deer urine when I checked in, and I’ll be saying as much in my Tripadvisor review.”

Family Circus, 4/12/14

I was about to make some joke about how the shocked children look like they’re about to stone Billy to death for his anachro-technological heresy, but then I got a gander at the so-called “teacher” at this supposed Sunday School. Look at that shaggy haircut! The shirt unbuttoned almost all the way down to the breastbone! No wonder Billy thinks he can spout off this nonsense in the middle of class! What’s next? Popular music during services? The priest facing towards the congregation during the consecration of the host? Ecumenicalism? This is madness!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/12/14

Haha, don’t think June has let go of the fact that some extremely mild teen making out might have taken place under her roof, because she hasn’t! Obviously, it’s not about Niki, because he’s a boy and we all know it’s totally cool when teenage boys do sex things. No, it’s about Kelly, and figuring out just exactly how dirty a little tramp she is! This is important, doc … make the call!