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Beetle Bailey, 3/19/11

Six years ago when this panel ran the first (?) time, I was willing to let it pass as a goofy placeholder from a creative team that just sort of couldn’t think of anything to do that day. It may have been an abdication of creativity, but at least the numerous visual details represented more work than what goes into Beetle Bailey strips that actually contain jokes. And really, are Beetle Bailey jokes all they’re cracked up to be? Can we honestly say that we want more Beetle Bailey jokes out there in the world?

And yet now that I know that this is just the strip they pull out when they have nothing else to run, and that it’s gone out who knows how many times … well, I wouldn’t have thought I could have less respect for Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC, but I have been proven wrong. I don’t know which possibility is worse: that some strip was submitted that, due to its complete lack of even vague entertainment value, was rejected by the syndicate, resulting in this stopgap being reprinted, or that someone over at W-BAHI LLC suddenly had the realization at deadline that “oh, crap, we have to do a Saturday strip too? Damn it, I need to start writing this stuff down.”

Apartment 3-G, 3/19/11

Ha ha, Dan, you’re not going to disabuse Iris of the notion that you’re some kind of hobo tramp bum drifter homeless person if you keep using that old-timey slang. But all questions about his archaic socioeconomic status seem a lot less important now that we know that Iris has a ringtone that can briefly obliterate all of existence.

Archie, 3/19/11

Hot Dog’s ears are lifted in shock in the final panel, which must mean that none of Jughead’s interpretation of his inner thoughts are correct. I’m guessing he’s thinking “Wait, I have fleas? And you’re not doing anything about them? Christ, you really are the laziest pet owner alive.”

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Sincere thanks to everyone who contributed to the Comics Curmudgeon 2011 Spring Fundraiser! In case you missed it, you can still use the “Donate” button on the left to make an online contribution, or drop me a line at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net for Josh’s address — but no more organized fundraising for another six months or so. Thanks again.

Gil Thorp, 3/13/11

Hornéd Armani-lovin’ B-ballin’ “second-teamer” Lini Verde — rooted by a steamy wave 200-strong, Miss Ducey! Gil Thorp redefines “incomprehensible filth” for a new generation. Stand aside, Peter Greenaway!

Barney Google & Snuffy Smith, 3/13/11

“Trading wood” isn’t a thing now, is it? Somebody please tell me it’s not a thing. Because those smiles are creeping me right out, and I’m afraid to Google it.

Mary Worth, 3/13/11

Oh please for the merciful love of Heaven let them be talking about kites ….

9 Chickweed Lane, 3/13/11

OK, somebody’s got to get through to Team Chickweed that “portrays characters of diverse sexual orientations” does not mean “more opportunities for random couplings.” Well, that, but not only that.

Archie, 3/13/11

Hey Pop, you got to put on the special glasses for that.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Thanks to everyone everywhere who sent me a link to this magnificent spoof trailer for a gritty, realistic Archie movie:

And now … your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Is this strip still about the horrible Twitter? Or is it about Wilbur’s loneliness and depression? I’m honestly not sure at this point.” –S. Stout

And your runners up! Very funny!

“I do like Abe reclining in the rocking chair with his hands behind his head. ‘That’s right, George, he shot me here, right in the back of the head! While I was at a fucking theatre!’” –Mooncattie

“I am surprised to not see any snark about Luann’s mom telling her to be like a cockroach. I would post some myself, but don’t want to admit I read that strip of my own free will.” –NoahSnark

“As annoying as it is when a long-running series is used to launch a disconnected spin-off, it’s also hard not to be excited about Jim Scancarelli’s new ‘Dead presidents in rocking chairs bitching about Earth from Hell’ strip.” –Jaliben

“I am starting to think that Wilbur and Dawn are actually the same person à la Fight Club. Like most ‘women’ online, Dawn is actually a frumpy, balding, middle-aged man. Wilbur’s alter ego is becoming autonomous, and only the brown syrupy juice of the Peyote plant can bring them back together.” –Jesse

“Hey, Wilbur, there’s a website I think you might want to check out. It’s called boundaries.com.” –Violet

“I doubt Loweezy can write, or that the Parson’s wife can read for that matter, so the ‘recipe’ she handed over is probably the eight slightly squiggly lines we see in the comic.” –TheTJ

“Since I didn’t get the part as Edward in the Twilight movies, I’ve lost all interest in vampirism. Except the bats. The bats I like.” –Scott Bot

“I still have hopes that the lady and her daughter are just hallucinations of rescue brought on by Mark’s massive blood loss. And also, that all of those seagulls are really vultures.” –BRWombat

“Mommy, guess how much stupid weighs!” –Doctor Handsome

“The most realistic part of this is that Mary and Rex are still fully clothed.” –Oregonian

“To be fair, mommy’s recipe calls for almost 40 lbs. of children.” –js

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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