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Apartment 3-G, 9/25/08

Oh, hey everyone, did you hear that Alan got killed? This was not news, since we saw him get shot and also knew that he was a drug addict, and drug addicts always come to a terrible bloody end. A more intriguing question was what exactly had caused Lu Ann to GASP when she saw Alan’s artwork; today we finally learn that Alan has turned away from superbland grey cityscapes and towards angry, black-smeared abstract art. I wouldn’t say it’s “good”, but it actually looks like a vague approximation of modern art, so naturally Lu Ann (she of the shitty flower paintings) sees it as destructive.

That could be any number of people BUZZing at the front door — Haley looking for more drugs, Ray looking for someone else to kill, Jones back from vacation with a delivery of fresh dope that has come tragically too late — but my money’s on Margo, rushing directly over from the morgue to snatch up Alan’s artwork so that the Mills Gallery alone will profit from the inevitable post-highly-public-murder price spike.

By the way, do you notice that Lu Ann apparently sleeps while wearing pearls? That’s how you know she’s a lady.

Shoe, 9/25/08

I found few things in today’s comics more hilarious than the Perfesser’s angry yet befuddled protest sign. I look forward to future statements of activist intent along the same lines, such as “WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE WAR IN IRAQ?”, “HIGH GAS PRICES: HUH?”, and “I DON’T REALLY UNDERSTAND THIS WALL STREET BAILOUT THING BUT IT MAKES ME IRRITATED AND UNCOMFORTABLE.”

Archie, 9/25/08

Oh, AJGLU 3000! Who can blame you for being a bit puzzled as to how the mysterious and slightly distasteful fleshy sensory organs on the human head correlate to specific senses? But for future reference, the one you should have gone with here is “ears.”

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Gil Thorp, 9/2/08

Wait … in panel two … is that … YES! COACH KAZ’S EARRINGS ARE BACK! COACH KAZ’S EARRINGS ARE BACK! This, along with the shadowy figure lurking in the back of the equipment shed (no doubt with an axe) has me so excited that I’m willing to forgive the fact that in panel three we’re being shown word balloons emerging randomly out of GYM rather than some kind of crazy homoerotic mass “group physical” featuring dozens of teenage boys and the author of I Know This Much Is True.

By the way, any guesses on the Very Special Affliction that is keeping some player to be named later off of this year’s gridiron squad? Scabies? Testicular cancer? Bighandulism?

Funky Winkerbean, 9/2/08

Thank goodness for my faithful commentors, who informed us all that Susan Smith Westbrook was the student who pre-time-jump fell in love with mopey Les for some reason and tried to kill herself when he didn’t return her mopey advances. Naturally this strip will be completely baffling to anyone who isn’t privy to this information, even if, like me, they’ve been following Funky Winkerbean faithfully for the last three years. Anyway, Susan’s thousand-mile stare in panel three promises more psychotic hijinks to come. She looks like she’s spent most of her life fleeing across Darfur one step ahead of genocidal militias — or, you know, like she’s a character in Funky Winkerbean.

Archie, 9/2/08

At first I was going to guess that “SHOOOM! KA-BLAM!” represented Archie ka-blamming in his pants as he finally gets to first base with Veronica. But on closer inspection of panel three, I think that’s a transcription of the noises his spine makes as he attempts to twist around for optimal out-making while keeping his crotch pointed firmly away from his partner, as the strict puritan movie theater rules demand.

Mary Worth, 9/2/08

“Easy for you to say … since you’re sitting in front of a computer … and can just do exactly what you described with the touch of a button … oh, God, this so so horrible!” [uncontrollable sobbing, etc.]

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/2/08

“Yes, she’s a desperate, lonely old woman, possibly in the early stages of dementia! Better cash that check before someone responsible gets wind of it!”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/23/08

I’ve talked before about the Rex Morgan problem, which causes me to lose interest in the adventures of our dashing doctor at the moment at which they ostensibly become exciting. My favorite bits are always the moments of calm and barely concealed passive aggression before the storm, not in the gunplay and car chases and what have you. Today is a perfect example of the seething psychodrama that underlies this strip, as Rex, having whined about always being asked to help man Lenore’s regatta entry, is now about to start whining about not being asked. Presumably he’ll do some amateur sluething to discover why he’s been snubbed and discover skullduggery and intrigue, thus proving that dickishness is the universe’s most powerful force for good.

Family Circus, 8/23/08

Dolly, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with anyone touching his or her command module. It’s perfectly natural and healthy. If mommy and daddy had spent more time touching their command modules, there probably wouldn’t be so many of you terrible melonheads running around.

Archie, 8/23/08

Ho ho ho! The AGJLU 3000 knows that there’s nothing the humans find more amusing than jokes about geometery.

Shoe, 8/23/08

“Now I’m dying of heart disease and skin cancer! Damn the slow, painstaking march of science!”