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Family Circus, 12/11/07

Many years ago (OK, three, but that’s a long time in the world of blogging), I decried the narrative technique on display in today’s Family Circus as “dialogue that’s half in word balloons, half in quote marks below the panel, and all half-assed.” Today I think the narrative trickery is there only to distract us from the panel’s total failure to make sense. Never mind the fact that the only people who criticize the youth of today and their “y’know”-saying ways are roughly six to eight times older than Billy; why is Billy standing there with studied ease, one hand in his pocket, as Dolly bellows in his face from six inches away? Are they meant to demonstrate the differing attitudes of their teachers — one all mellow and relaxed (possibly due to weed) and one all shrill and controlling (possibly due to coke)?

Meanwhile, on December 10, 2007, after 50+ years, Marmaduke’s creators apparently ran out of enormous-dog-themed jokes that can be told in a single-panel format, and beginning today will be trying out this “sequential art” concept they’ve heard so much about. Readers who have always been concerned about how closely Marmaduke’s owner resembles Hitler will be made uncomfortable by the upper half of the panel.

Ziggy, 12/11/07

I’m all in favor of Ziggy being taunted by his television set, but this just seems like a friendly jest as he attempts to scroll through all the wonderful entertainment offerings provided by his local cable company. We really need for the question mark on the TV to be removed, along with Ziggy’s dialogue, to provide the sense of soul-crushing ennui that I demand from this feature.

Sally Forth, 12/11/07

I think we’re all glad that Ted has moved from unshaven, unemployed layabout to chipper seasonal minimum wage worker, but someone needs to tell him that he SHOULDN’T. WEAR. THE HIDEOUS ORANGE VEST. IN. THE HOUSE. With the nametag and everything. Really, Ted, just because they don’t come home to find you on the couch screaming at your judge shows doesn’t mean that your family has forgotten who you are.

On the bright side, it’s probably only a matter of time before Ted joins the cast of Shortpacked.

Hagar the Horrible, 12/11/07

Remember, kids, you can make your holiday season ever so much more convenient — with stealing!

For Better Or For Worse, 12/11/07

Ha, ha, “legs!” Everything smells like “legs!” Don’t kids say the darnedest things? Sometimes they can be a little confusing, though, especially when they use quote marks. Let’s call in an expert to help clear this up:

Well … that does make more sense.

And I leave with another amusing out-of-context panel:

Panel from Archie, 12/11/07

The Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 has discovered either absurdism or HotSweatyMasturbatingCoaches.com.

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Archie, 11/30/07

Sure, I’m disturbed by the mysterious appearance of the word “GLOM!”, apparently written in mayonnaise and floating in mid-air, in panel two. We all are. But equally troubling is panel one, in which Jughead’s arms are invisible because he appears to be wearing some kind of barber’s smock. Does standard-issue gluttony no longer hold any appeal for our be-crowned slacker? In order to entertain himself, does he need to set little challenges — like, say, grabbing his best friend’s hamburger off his plate using nothing but his face? If so, be glad that GLOM is all we’re seeing in that second panel.

Slylock Fox, 11/30/07

I’m not smart enough to unscramble the items listed here that accompany Slylock’s little How To Be A Nosey Detective Who Offers His Opinions To People Who Don’t Ask speech, but I can tell you that one thing you’re never going to be able to unscramble is MAX’S FACE if he doesn’t stop trying to bust a move on Sly’s woman. Honestly, as if the fact that she’s literally three times taller than him and his natural predator wasn’t bad enough.

Speaking of busting a move, I’m betting that the kid in the back with the bow tie and satisfied expression is quite the hit with the ladies.

Mark Trail, 11/30/07

“Yes, when you’re accused of a crime you didn’t commit, who can prove your innocence? You need Andy the dog, P.I.!”

…

“You’ve been hit with a murder rap, and now you’re looking life in the pen straight in the face! Who do you call? Andy the dog, Attorney at Law!”

…

Well, that’s it. There’s actually no way I can make this any sillier.

For Better Or For Worse, 11/30/07

“You know what might have proved it to them? If they had just been able to watch me sign books and make small talk for another half an hour. But now they don’t really have a sense of how awesome I am. Sometimes Deanna is so selfish!”

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Gil Thorp, 11/18/07

I know that, what with snoopy English teacher Bob Roth listening from the next room, this is supposed to be some kind of “test”, where if Cully agrees to be Gil’s instrument of death it will prove that the he’s rotten to the core, but if he says no it goes to show that he’s basically a good kid and who cares if he and his sketchy friends steal a TV or six, amiright? But wouldn’t it be great if Gil was dead serious, and his whole purpose in recruiting this hulking, troubled teen onto his football team was to silence the Milford athletic department’s most strident media critic? I imagine that Gil Googled Cully’s criminal history and his mind lit up with lovely images of Marty’s neck snapping from one fallaway slam too many. This would also explain why Marty has been uncharacteristically reticent to criticize Coach Thorp’s leadership of a 1-4 team whose standout player is a kid with one leg — he knows that with a murderer on the team, he’s marked for death. But even his silence won’t save him now, as there’s too much bad blood between them! As for why Gil would be allowing Bob Roth to listen to the hit being ordered in this scenario … well, maybe Gil thinks that in doing so he’s implicating Bob in the crime? No, it doesn’t make sense, but then again Gil isn’t very smart.

Apartment 3-G, 11/18/07

In case you’re baffled by this pile-up in the hallway, Neil is the caddish director of Gina’s play who cruelly toyed with Tommie’s affections (among other things) at the cast party, Gina was, I swear, being set up to be the Professor’s girlfriend, and Gina’s hair somehow even looks worse than it did before.

Archie, 11/18/07

Why has the living room suddenly been plunged into inky blackness in the final panel? Has the AJGLU-3000 discovered German expressionist film? Does the darkness represent that bleak state of Mr. Andrews’s soul, as he contemplates the gulf that lies between him and his son, and his own part in creating it? Or was “Hey, Dad, do you want me to leave the light on in here?” the question that Archie planned to ask?