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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/9/15

Say what you will about our man Snuffy’s book learnin’, moral fiber, or long-term planning skills, but you have to admire him as a savvy realist. For instance, he’s well aware of the dysfunctional nature of the polity he lives in. He watched those fancy flatlander politicians from the state government cut the ribbon on the project that finally brought plumbing to Hootin’ Holler and thought, “Who’s gonna maintain them pipes? Folks around here? The guv’ner? The revenooers? Don’t want none for my shack, no thanks.”

Gil Thorp, 5/9/15

Looks like True’s awkward flirting is going great! “Why, yes, I have read one of the most beloved novels of the 20th century, one assigned to millions of high school students in their English classes! Mmmm, smell this hamburger, it smells like smug literacy.”

Heathcliff, 5/9/15

Never mind why Heathcliff’s owner-grandma seems scandalized by cats who aren’t wearing clothes: what’s Heathcliff’s owner-grandpa holding in his hand? Are those … calipers? Going to be working real hard at not thinking about the intersection between cat nudism and calipers for the next couple of days, thanks.

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Funky Winkerbean, 5/1/15

Guys, I did not have a particularly fun time socially for a lot of high school. At one point I got voted out of my lunch table. Once I did start making friends, as a senior, many of them were kids I met through debate who went to other schools. When I was 28, I got an email via Classmates.com (haha, remember Classmates.com?) from my graduating class’s power couple, who were somehow still together and organizing the 10-year-reunion; even though I didn’t have any interest in going, my girlfriend at the time told me to write back and ask to be put on the mailing list in order to get all the good gossip. Despite my request, I was not, in fact put on the mailing list.

So you’d think I’d be primed to identify with Les in the current Funky Winkerbean storyline, in which the most popular girl from his graduating class is skipping town and strong-arming him into taking her place and organizing a reunion for a bunch of people who used to hold him in contempt. The fact that I feel not an iota of sympathy for him is a testament to his true unlikeability as a character. Even if this today’s strip is your first exposure to him, I think you can get a sense of this. Look at that face! That face is a smirk so intensely smug that it’s crossed the line into full-on muscle spasm.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/1/15

Seems that today’s Snuffy Smith was determined to do its own version of the classic “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?” gag, only to end up grappling with the fact that the only job in this impoverished subsistence-farming community that requires any degree of formal training is the lone clergyman’s post — and sadly, the current parson is a theologically unlearned grifter.

Mark Trail, 5/1/15

Oh, hello nice bureaucrat lady! Did you think you could defeat nature with some well-meaning government programs? Well you can’t. Nature is full of floods and flames and it will not obey you.

Wizard of Id, 5/1/15

Meanwhile, in the Wizard of Id, the king is going to fuck some money.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/21/15

As Chief Information Security Officer for the Holler, Loweezy routinely runs white-hat penetration tests like this one on its HootinNet® communications infrastructure. She also makes sure everyone’s properly encryptin’ everthin’, and continues her longstanding Denial of Service attack against Snuffy — the disastrous “Tater Breach” still fresh in her mind. We shall not speak of honeypots, or backdoor exploits.

Crankshaft, 4/21/15

We interrupt our “failed sad-sack theater owner runs for mayor” story for the latest skirmish in Ed’s long war on his persistent and capricious nasal blackheads (8 today!). Pam did her best, but apparently the belt sander was no match. I’d go with a 50-grit, but she’s the one who has to clean up.

“Sideophex” (dialone unmorndibab) is doubtless one of those new immunosuppressants you see all over the teevee, where celebrities or big “real-world models” stride confidently about while a honey-voiced announcer purrs, “Listen up, people – this suppresses your immune system, and you really, really don’t want your immune system suppressed. I mean, unless you want to die from one of those diseases you thought antibiotics killed off a century ago. Seriously folks, you are flirting with an iron lung here, do not take these pills. Oh, hi Ed. Three a day, after meals. First pack’s free; I’m thinking you won’t need a second. Don’t operate machinery for a while, m’kay? We’ve got plenty of machinery lined up for you later.”

B.C., 4/21/15

Wow, this one’s really hard to unpack. In case you don’t follow controversies in evolutionary theory or this strip, here’s some background:

• Many Bible-based theories of life’s origins hold that humans and dinosaurs must have coexisted
• The brontosaurus, long thought to be a paleontologist’s error, is back in the game
• Ken Ham is the founder and author of Answers in Genesis, a Christian apologetics ministry and book
• Under Johnny Hart, B.C. often covered Christian themes and sometimes explicitly proselytized.

OK, so WTF? Ken Ham presumably wouldn’t care about the brontosaurus/apatosaurus controversy, but why would he “eat (his) heart out” at evidence that dinosaurs and humans coexisted? Maybe Peter thinks Ham will be jealous that it’s some caveman who coexists with dinosaurs, and not Ham himself? Maybe it’s just clumsy phrasing, and the intent was something like, “Here’s one for you, Ken Ham”? Or maybe the new author is less committed to a religious point of view than to B.C.’s fundamental principle, incoherence? Anyway, I’m surprised that an outfit called “The Creator’s Syndicate” doesn’t take a dim view of the whole thing, and you do not want to mess with those guys.

–Uncle Lumpy