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Funky Winkerbean, 6/11/09

You know, as this week goes on, I’m really starting to feel a sort of admiration for Funky Winkerbean for really distilling its core mood of grim whimsy (or “grimsy,” as I like to think of it) into as pure and concentrated a form as possible. Let’s do a quick review of each day’s themes:

• Monday: “I miss my dead wife so much. Sometimes I fantasize that she’s still here, talking to me, in the places that were meaningful to us while she was alive.”
• Tuesday: “I used to think that I could choose my destiny, but as I age, I realize that the events that most shape my life are those that I cannot control or anticipate.”
• Wednesday: “My wife died.” “My father is dying.”
• Thursday: “My body is falling apart.”

In fact, it’s gotten so intense that it’s spread (“metastasized,” some might say”) to other comic strips!

Wizard of Id, 6/11/09

Life is one vast prison cell, my friends! Those who are actually in jail at least have the advantage of knowing that they are in chains. The rest of us stumble through this existence, shackled by ennui, feeling that there must be something more than this but unable to imagine what that might be — and the only release from this prison is death.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/11/09

Of course, we all know that whining ponderously about one’s mortality is a luxury of the comfortable elites. Those hard-working real Americans in Hootin’ Holler don’t got time for none of that! Here we see that local coot “Grandpaw” just uses the looming specter of death as an incentive for thrift.

Herb and Jamaal, 6/11/09

But it’s Herb and Jamaal that really shows us the way to cheeriness. “I may be getting old, but I don’t feel old, and do you know why? Because I’m young enough to keep doing it! That’s right, you don’t have time to dwell on the aging process when you’re gettin’ it regular. Truly, a steady stream of casual sexual partners is a veritable fountain of youth!”

(Seriously, can anyone tell me what the punchline of this strip is actually supposed to mean? Because, much as I would approve, I don’t think “doing it” means “doing it.”)

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Spider-Man, 6/7/09

My only experience with beloved Marvel Comics character/franchise/cash cow/fetish object Wolverine comes from watching the first two X-Men movies, so I’m very much looking forward to getting lots of huffy blowback for making fun of what I don’t understand as the beclawèd one slums his way through the Spider-Man newspaper strip. My first big laugh came with Spidey’s thought ballooning, in which he wonders why Wolverine hasn’t stayed in the limitless wide-open spaces of Westchester County (population: 923,459; population density, 1,847 people per square mile). “Wolverine doesn’t think the cultural attractions, amazing nightlife, and youthful energy of New York make up for the high rents, crowding, and dicey public schools! He prefers ample parking, neatly trimmed lawns, and chain restaurants to public transit, high rises, and hole-in-the-wall ethnic joints — just like a real wolverine!”

Of course, as Mark Trail has taught us, real Wolverines do need to come into human settlements to steal weapons, which may offer a clue to Wolverine’s intentions in Manhattan.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/7/09

Poor Uriah looks more panicked to be seized bodily than one would expect if the upshot will just be a little impromptu umpiring. I thus assume that the dialogue has been bowdlerized by the syndicate editors in the final panel, with “Shanghai ya into bein’ thar ump” replacing “slice ya up as an off’ring to thar pagan god” and “Play ball!!” replacing “Soon our holy altar will steam with sacrificial blood!!”

Crock, 6/7/09

It should come as little surprise that characters in the poorly drawn hell-world of Crock would choose the easy way out: suicide.

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Spider-Man, 5/24/09

So, what’s the most insultingly improbable thing that happens in today’s Spider-Man? Is it that Peter would have forgotten his epic battle with an electrically powered super-villain, which concluded only hours before? Is it that beautiful young movie star Mary Jane would just smile after accidentally being called by the name of her husband’s wizened old aunt? (At least it wasn’t during sex … this time.) No, more laughable than both of those is the idea that anyone, anywhere was moved by anything that happened in the Spider-Man newspaper strip to go through the trouble of writing a letter to anybody. Really, narration box, give us a little credit.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/24/09

Hootin’ Holler’s sole religious authority sure does a good job of opiating the inbred masses with his God talk. I suppose that makes them more likely to cough up the cash when he needs a new TV.

Panel from Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/24/09

June in a nutshell, ladies and gentlemen. There’s nothing like terrible food poisoning to cut down on the crowds poolside, you know what I’m saying?