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Judge Parker, 11/6/15

Good news, Neddy! Remember that beauty queen Hank was dating, an arbitrarily established narrative roadblock for you having your way with him? We’ll, she’s gone now, without any of us ever having seen her, through some backstory we haven’t discussed, because why bother? There’s nothing to come between you and his hard-hatted, mulletted charms anymore! All the Spencer girls will be getting everything they want, in the sex department, along with all other departments!

B.C., 11/6/15

Wow, look at Curls’s facial expression in panel two. That’s not the face of a man engaging in a long-running, well-established B.C. gag where Clumsy sticks his head in the water to watch fish swim by. That’s the face of man who’s found his dead friend face down in a frozen river. It’s not like the water flash-froze, either; he drowned long before that.

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B.C., 9/12/15

Yes, this is what radio listeners crave: the possibility of hearing a snail DJ slowly dissolving, over the radio! (psst I think maybe someone doesn’t actually know what “shock jock” means)

Family Circus, 9/12/15

Speaking of horrible salt-deaths, I love Big Daddy Keane’s little smile here. At last, he thinks, at last I have evidence that Billy’s heart is incurably hardened against the Lord. I can just leave him by the side of the highway with no regrets.

Pluggers, 9/12/15

Pluggers don’t even remember what it was like to feel giddy, overblown enthusiasm about anything in this life, and will thank you to leave them alone while they eat their ice cream in sullen silence.

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Mary Worth, 9/7/15

You guys. You guys. When I predicted this yesterday, I was kidding. Kidding. I mean, surely Toby wouldn’t dramatically tell Ian “do not try to look for me” and then lay low in literally the same building. Surely she has some friends other than Mary. Maybe we’ve never seen her interacting with them, but surely she had them. Some people she knows from the local art scene? Her old friends back in New York? Turns out nope! Turns out Mary’s all she’s got. This whole thing’s going to be fantastic. Anyway, since I can apparently control the course of this plot with my barely plausible predictions, here’s my next prediction: Toby will very quickly drive Mary up the wall by letting her filthy, filthy human skin touch all the surfaces in Mary’s apartment, her pure, beautiful, disinfected surfaces.

Blondie, 9/7/15

Ha ha, get it? Because megabytes are some kind of thing that’s inside a computer, and it sounds like you’re taking a MEGA (big) BITE (of food)? And Dagwood is a terrible compulsive eater, so he likes biting food? The saddest thing about this joke is that I’m pretty sure the Blondie Inc. Creative Brain Trust came up with it, like, ten years ago, and only now feel confident that their readership will really “get it,” and even then had Dagwood and Alexander say “megabyte” to each other four times, just to be sure.

B.C., 9/7/15

Don’t worry, this turtle’s shell isn’t a twisted, unnatural attempt to mimic secondary mammalian sexual characteristics. She’s just deformed because she was born in a pile of garbage!

Funky Winkerbean, 9/7/15

AT LAST

THE DAY IS HERE

THE DAY WHEN THE LIVING FINALLY OVERTHROW THE TYRANNY OF THE DEAD