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Funky Winkerbean, 8/1/17

OK, fine, I’m still not gonna dwell on the time-jump details, but here, here’s what Jeff and Pam and Max from Crankshaft look like ten years into their future, in Funky Winkerbean. Mostly I’m featuring today’s strip because it looks like, after a decade of pouring his youth and his passion into running the Valentine, Max might finally go out of business and be forced into an uncertain job market, only to have his dad say “Gee, that’s a shame! This is where I saw my favorite movie as a kid!”

Beetle Bailey, 8/1/17

Ha ha, yes, it’s definitely funny when a disgruntled army NCO, raging against the rules that restrain his behavior, pulls his sidearm and threatens to “fight bureaucracy!” The best-case scenario here is an awful on-base spree shooting; the worst is that Orville Snorkel emulates Liberia’s Samuel Doe, becoming the second sergeant in world history to lead a successful coup.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/1/17

Grampy’s deflection of the parson’s obvious come-on is as charming as it is subtle.

The Lockhorns, 8/1/17

Leroy … is drunk here, right? Very drunk at 8:30 am and heading to the office?

Family Circus, 8/1/17

“Then I said, ‘That’s some inspiring shit, mom, but if you don’t buy me that costume I’m gonna have a meltdown right here in Party City the likes of which you’ve never seen.’”

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Crankshaft, 7/27/17

Much of the “humor” of Crankshaft, arises from the title character saying English words or phrases that do not actually mean what he intends them to mean, of course, but I admit to being genuinely baffled by why he’s grumpily lobbing the phrase “old-timers” at this intergenerational sex awkwardness. My best guess is that he’s mocking his daughter and son-in-law for fondly remembering a youth in which some light boob-touching in a movie theater was considered an highly anticipated erotic act, since he now uses the family computer and his copious free time to mainline the most depraved pornography humankind has ever produced.

Beetle Bailey, 7/27/17

Shoutout to this nurse for being an ally to his female comrade who was hounded out of her duties by Killer’s nonstop sexual harassment. That’s the face of a man who’s definitely going to be upping the frequency of some invasive but necessary medical examinations.

Spider-Man, 7/27/17

God help me, the second panel of today’s Newspaper Spider-Man filled me with pure unalloyed joy. The best part is that Spidey stage-whispering while peeking around a corner to get Mole-Man’s attention out here in the empty hall for no particular reason, but I also enjoy the fact that my dude has convinced everyone start calling him “Melvin” but Peter knows that, while in his absurd Spidey persona, he needs to call him “Mole-Man,” in order to keep this whole outlandish superheroics farce going.

Six Chix, 7/27/17

[Begins writing an angry 3,000-world screed about Federal Railroad Administration regs and union contract stipulations about staffing on commuter trains, to be sent to the editor of every single newspaper that runs Six Chix]

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Mary Worth, 7/25/17

It’s not a secret than the world of newspaper comics is small and getting smaller, and that I’m the only person who’s written about newspaper comics every day for the last 13 years, so obviously I’m on the radar of a lot of comics creators. And sometimes they let me know that they’ve taken notice of me, by means ranging from outright hostility in the comic itself to sending me free stuff in the mail in a successful attempt to get me to promote their branded products. So whenever someone who looks kinda like me pops up in a strip, I think, “Hmm, is this someone who looks kind of like me … supposed to be me?” Generally things are made more ambiguous by the fact that my look isn’t exactly the least common around. Anyway, if this redheaded goateed doctor is in fact supposed to be my in-strip avatar, I take that as a compliment, as he seems supportive of his colleagues, a quality I admire and aspire to. Also the artists have noticed that I started wearing glasses last year, nice job!

One thing I (or my alter ego) won’t have to worry about is being the object of Dawn’s moon-eyed affections, which is I assume where this plot is going, since the Dawn plots always seem to involve her sad romantic life in some way, whether it involves her slapping people she was actually dating when she discovered them two-timing her or prolonging weird, sexually charged friendships with various amputees and adjunct community college faculty members. Our beardy doctor is clearly just passing through this plot to establish the awesome diagnostic prowess of the handsome Ned, who can swiftly identify rare and obscure maladies but also grows his hair long enough to cover his ears, because he doesn’t care what The Man thinks. Just the sort of fella to catch a young girl’s fancy, if you know what I mean, and you will definitely know what I mean after Dawn mopily falls in love with him for the next six to eleven weeks.

Family Circus, 7/25/17

Aww, Billy was going to feed that human finger to one of the tigers and make its whole day. Why you gotta be such a narc, Dolly?

Beetle Bailey, 7/25/17

You know, I had a post all planned out today about Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft, and how the decade-wide time discontinuity between them is increasingly irritating — I even had some reference data about the average price of movie tickets over the years! — but then I realized that I was failing on my stated intention to not actually care about that, at all. They’re getting inside my head, man! So instead, here’s today’s Beetle Bailey, which is about how Otto the dog hates cat beatniks but sure wants to fuck sexy lady dogs. Also, this sexy lady dog may be a prostitute.